Need support

[yvaine]

I met someone on a hobby website around 2006, we chatted a bit off and on about our shared interests until about 3 years ago. We decided to voice chat on skype for the first time and seemed to just click right away, we talked for hours. He surprised me a few weeks later and sent me a gift. For almost 3 years we have become very close, chatting nearly every day, but we are 2500 miles apart, in different countries and we still haven't met. I'm also disabled so travelling is more difficult for me. For the past 6 months we have been having "dates" over webcam a few times a month and talking on the phone a few times a week. He said he was making plans to visit me in a few months and seemed really excited about it. I was too. We are like best friends and we have great chemistry. He tells me I'm beautiful and is very sweet. We have talked about our future plans and have similar goals.

 

Here is the problem. He has a demanding job and some big family problems, and in the past few months he has flaked a few times and not contacted me for days. I have been very understanding, and all I've ever asked is for him to send a quick message and tell me that he is busy or needs space for a while so I won't be too worried. Being in different countries, there is no way for me to know if he is ok. I'm hurt every time, wondering why he isn't speaking to me. Last time this happened I told him I was hurt and very disappointed by his behaviour and he promised it wouldn't happen again. He told me I can call his phone or email him any time I'm concerned.

 

So, it's been 10 days now and I'm feeling like a fool. I called his cell twice, just said I hope everything is ok and would talk to him soon. He hasn't returned either call. I emailed the same, asked him to contact me when he can because I'm worried about him. No reply. He normally returns my calls the next morning, at the latest. Even when this happened before, he responded to email the same day. So I sent him an email last night and said again: I don't know what is going on and sincerely hope he is ok, but I won't try to contact him again and if I don't hear from him soon, I'm finished. I can't keep doing this. After almost 3 years of being one of my best friends, I told him he knows where to find me and I would always be here to listen if he needs it, but that's all. It was really devastating to write, but I did it.

 

There was absolutely NO warning leading up to this, we were chatting and he was being sweet as usual, and then he just disappeared. Maybe I'm still deluded but I feel like something probably happened in his family or work, and I really am very worried. This is the longest we have gone without speaking in almost 3 years. But I think if he cared about my feelings he would find some way to get in touch by now, if he really wanted to do it. His cell was on, it just rang and rang and went to voicemail. I don't know how long I should wait for him to respond, if at all. He will probably be back with some excuse. Even if there is someone else I would be less hurt and confused if he told me about it than I am right now. We have never met and I haven't placed any unreasonable demands on him.

 

I guess I just need some reassurance that I'm doing the right thing, I feel like it needed to be done but it's harder than I ever imagined. I hope I'm strong enough to not contact him, and stick to what I said if he contacts me again.

[1m50L0nl3y]

Hello and Welcome.

 

I think you are doing the right thing, 10 days is a long time. I'm sure if he is "alive" he will read your email or listen to the voicemail and get back at you whenever is possible for him.

Since he is so far away and you don't have any evidence of there being "another" girl, then we can't jump into conclusions.

Yeah is weird he has done this, specially after you have been straightforward with him.

Keep on with your life. When he shows up, and tells you his story ask him for evidence. If he was in the hospital or jail he probably has some paper work. Other excuses that can't be proven I think will be made up.

At the end of the day is your choice whether you trust him blindly or not. I don't think I could wait 3 years to meet an online person. The max I waited was 6 months. So if he is really that interested he should be visiting you soon. Otherwise you are losing your time.

[Voguester]

Hi, I too have been in a relationship with a guy I met on a forum and we have been talking for 3 years, he lives in another country, just like you and your friend. Unfortunately you can't be there to know what he's up to hey so you just have to...and this sounds corny probably but you need to have trust and faith. You've already contacted him via phone and email so there's nothing more you can really do, it's not like you can just show up to his house and say 'hey what's going on here, where have you been?'.

 

All you can do is wait until he contacts you again and if he does, hear him out and see what his reasons are, maybe he really was busy...10 days isn't that much, I would wait it out a bit longer but keep your life going and your mind occupied. It's HARD, I know...whenever my bf doesn't contact me for days I start to check my messages everyday like a crazy person, it consumes me when it really shouldn't!

 

LDR are more difficult because there's that fear of the unknown.

 

I wish you luck and I hope you at least get to meet him, 3 years is a long time to know someone and there's obviously a bond and a connection between you guys. I travelled to the other side of the world to see my bf just this year and it was so perfect, we had the same chemistry as we do on here so it was an exciting time in my life.

[yvaine]

Oh, I'm not jumping to any conclusions, I really doubt it is another woman but I wanted to address that before someone else suggests it -- most people do when they hear 2500 miles! lol ("How do you know he's not cheating???") I really don't even expect him to be entirely exclusive until we meet (even though I think he is already, he says he's not interested) but I trust him to tell me if anything is serious enough that I need to know about it. He is very strongly against cheating.

 

This is actually the third time he's disappeared for days without a word in the last four months. The first two times, I kept myself occupied and tried to be patient, and both times were a just under a week. He got in touch right away when I contacted him to ask what was going on. Last time, about 6 weeks ago, he skipped a webcam date and was gone. I told him it made me worried and that I think it's inconsiderate to just blow people off like that, and that's when he promised it wouldn't happen again. He seemed to take it really seriously last time when I said I was disappointed; he even got out of work a bit early and called me from the parking lot to apologize. He was dealing with major family issues and told me he was too upset about it to talk to anyone while he was gone, but he made a mistake by not just calling me to say he needed a few days.

 

I would have a LOT more patience if this hadn't happened already, and if he didn't promise not to do it again. He knows it is NOT ok with me. It seems like a pattern and it's too upsetting for me to keep repeating it, even now. If this happens after we meet, I will be gutted.

 

It has never taken more than a day for him to return my calls before, even when he took off. I was actually in the hospital a few weeks ago (had to call an ambulance while I was chatting with him) and he left a voicemail sounding really distraught because I hadn't called in 12 hours. I was at the hospital overnight and couldn't make international calls there. He even gets worried if I take too long to reply to his IMs on skype, and starts asking if everything is ok. I can't imagine what he would do if I disappeared like this, and it would never happen.

 

He asked me to use his work email address, so even if he is checking in with work I'm sure he would have seen them by now. Either he is not working and also doesn't have his phone or he is ignoring me. I am really very worried. It's so true, the fear of the unknown makes LDR soooo much harder.

 

I agree that 3 years is a long time, and if I don't meet him soon it would be my cue to move on for good. We're both at an age where wasting time is starting to be a bit of a concern.

[offplanet]

Whether he's become involved with someone else or not, which is possible, and he might not ever tell you honestly, it wasn't nice of him to leave you 10 days without reassuring you when you asked him to. Your messages you left him were reasonable. I think you struck the right note with them. After 3 yrs of friendship it's cruel of him to leave you hanging. That would make me not want to continue with him unless he had a very good reason. Yes you don't want to waste time on him if he's not serious about you.

[yvaine]

Thank you all, venting in this thread is helping me not drive myself crazy, or worse, try to call him 1 000 000 times. I put my phone in another room so I would be less tempted and picked up yarn to make some mittens and keep my hands busy. It really is cruel, I keep wondering if there was something I said or did before this happened, but I know there definitely wasn't. And worrying that if something bad has happened, he will be angry and hurt over my last email and never want to contact me again.

 

I agree, if he comes back with a shady excuse I am really done with him. I will be upset but I think that would make it easier to move on than being in limbo with no contact at all.

[Voguester]

Yeah that really is the worst, the fact hes disappeared without saying a word and its taken you by surprise. It's corny but there's a chapter about that in the book 'It's called a breakup because it's broken' so it does happen, it's not highly uncommon. What a jerk though if he has no real reason for it

 

I very much know what you mean about being tempted to call him a million times but you're doing the right thing by keeping busy because no good will come of you trying to contact him again.

 

Keep us posted with the outcome if you want, I hope he does at least give you an explaination so you're not left just wondering.

[yvaine]

I'm sure he has a reason, I only know it's not anything I've said or done. He seemed completely fine last time we talked, he was sending me hugs on skype and vanished.

 

I'm really concerned because he is usually the nicest person I've ever met, and this vanishing act is literally the only problem I've ever had with him.

 

Each time this happened before he was dealing with some extremely stressful family problems and he said he felt so lost that he couldn't talk to anyone, and just wanted to stay in bed. His job is very demanding and causes more stress. I'm worried because it sounds like depression or anxiety, but I'm so far away. If he won't talk to me there's nothing I can do for him, and it's too upsetting for me to be kept in the dark like this.

 

I can admit I have some very deep abandonment and trust issues that I spent a lot of time working on, in therapy. I am not clingy, if anything it's the opposite. Most of the time I manage to put it aside now but this is making me feel like a victim again, and I can't tolerate that. I was really hesitant to get into a LDR situation but we had that connection as friends first, and I trusted him.

[yvaine]

Well I was just uploading a file to dropbox and I noticed he left our shared folder last night. Still no calls, emails. I cracked and called him. It went to voicemail after 2 rings

I said I noticed he left our folder and was happy to know he is alive at least but can't believe he is just dropping contact with no explanation, just like that.

[laura40]

Hi,

 

I understand you must be upset right now but unfortunately this does happen in the online world.

 

I had a friend who I met online too, he was wonderful, great etc etc and we really got on. However his problem was him disappearing ever so often and not hearing from him for days on end. It used to really bug me, especially as I had no explanation as to why he wouldn't call, text or email for days then suddenly start talking as if nothing had happened.

 

To this day, I haven't heard from him for around 6 weeks and I've given up on trying to get in contact.

 

I wouldn't call or email this guy again, unless he speaks to you first then you can find out why he doesn't keep in contact! If you think about it, it takes 5 minutes to call or email to say why you haven't been around lately.

 

Keep us updated

[yvaine]

I'm so sorry it happened to you too. It does only take 5 minutes to reach out to someone, from anywhere. I know that. It's been 2 weeks for me now, and it's too long to make excuses for it. I don't think anyone can understand the intensity of feelings that can develop in an online relationship until they've been there, especially once you bring a webcam into it. I know I never believed I could feel so much for someone I've never met. It forced me to communicate with someone on a whole new level that I never have before, not even in past long term relationships, and I fell for him hard. It feels so foolish now that this has happened, but I know my feelings are real. I've never felt anything more real.

 

I emailed him later last night. I never told him how I felt about him and I could not move on without saying it. I was waiting until I could tell him face to face, but even if I never hear from him again I still want him to know. If he doesn't contact me after what I said, at least I can be 100% sure that moving on is the right thing to do. I can be very cold at times, affection is very hard for me, and I wonder if he thought I didn't care. What can I say, I'm ashamed that I contacted him and poured my heart out but it's far easier for me to deal with feeling pathetic for it than regretting feelings that I never expressed properly. I care about him unconditionally, without a doubt, on some level I always will.