Too aloof to date.

[frree]

I'm not sure how to change this behavior because my ego won't allow it. I'm too aloof, and I scare women just with my presence. I don't not like smiling because it makes me feel weak. Sort of like I'm surrendering. But not smiling scares people, and I have that grumpy type of look.

 

I have problems and cannot start a realationship because of my ego. First of all I believe women should talk to me not me to them. I know it's irrational, but to me it's humiliating for me to be the one who initiates conversation so for that reason I don't bother.

 

Secondly, I'm unromantic and don't believe in all that " I love you baby" type of crap. I find it repulsive, I'm not romantic and don't want to be.

 

Thirdly, I have problems feeling much emotion. Now I'm not an evil person, but I was raised in a family where no hugs or compassion was ever shown, only anger was expressed. So I do not like hugs because it seems weak and feminine.

 

I did have therapy but found it hard to break this pattern of thinking. Anybody here been in a similar situation and had much success in changing?

[whes]

How about changing the reasons for things or changing the impression you think you are making?

 

Instead of making you seem weak, maybe you smile because you are happy, and it makes you seem inviting and friendly.

 

Get over your ego. If the women do all the initiating, how is that fair to then? It isn't a battle where you keep score. How about you contact them when you want to talk to them and let them do the same instead of saying it's all one person's job?

 

People are romantic when they feel it. If you have never really been romantic, either you are holding back, hiding your feelings, or you might not have met the right woman to make you feel in love.

 

Emotion is different from hugs. Hugs, to me, are certainly not weak or feminine, but more often than not a greeting or a farewell to someone I care about, or a comfort for someone or myself from sadness. Emotion, on the other hand, is harder. It takes courage and confidence and practise to express it freely. But if you do not, that will disconnect you from everyone around you. It disengages you from the lives of others and if you do not become emotionally invested in anyone, they will likely not become emotionally invested in you.

[1m50L0nl3y]

I'm somewhat like you. I was also raised by cold parents, who don't like to be "touched" and by this I mean they don't like hugs, or to be touched "without a reason" . For me to hug my mother I need to ask her first "Can I hug you?" when I was a kid and liked to cuddle with her she would say "Why do you need so close to me? Leave me alone". When I hugged my dad he stayed cold and tried to distance himself.

My sisters and cousins are all cold. Only one of my nephews is a loving kid. Then everybody else is cold as ice.

So obviously I'm not the most romantic person on earth, I hate to be touched and I don't like to touch others... But I have learned to make the effort for my friends and girlfriends.

I have learned as an adult to be sweet, caring and romantic. It's not part of my nature. But I have copied my words and actions from others (friends and women I used to date). My mother always tells me that she never thought it was possible for me to "sweet and loving".

The only problem I experience is women hoping for me to be romantic on early stages. They always interpret this things as me not liking them, or having another girlfriend. They don't understand that in order for me to replay the "romantic" crap I know, I need to first feel save.

I am a cold individual but I hide it so well that all women I have been involved with always say I burn like fire.

[Mephisto13]

Depends what you want to achieve. If you want to get back in touch with your emotions, I'd suggest reading this book : link removed

 

I'm currently in the process of reading it to get back in touch with my emotions. We think that we don't have them...but in the end, it's our defensive mechanisms that makes us "not feel" those emotions. So much so that they become automatic and we don't even know what happened.

 

OMG, I never thought I'd be one to write about emotions and stuff. Lol!

 

The book is also a good and quick read. Working at it though is difficult.

[Ms Darcy]

So I am having this conversation with a male friend who is similarly aloof, so I feel I can speak to this a little.

 

Look at the way you present yourself here friend. I don't believe I should talk to women. I am unromantic. I have problems dealing with emotions. Negative, negative, negative.

 

I would encourage you to think of the positives about yourself and what you have to offer. You are receptive to talking You want a relationship.

[Day_Walker]

I would say that therapy is your best bet for changing it will be much easier to make the change you want with a professionals help rather than attempting to change by yourself.