Should we get married tomorrow?

[summerishere]

Less than 10 hrs left...but not sure what to do.

 

Being together for about three years, attracted to each other immediately, both was single and wanted to get married. But over time, feel he's terrified of marriage for whatever reasons not directly related to me. He once said he saw too many broken marriages..."dont want to get married but like you (me) a lot".

 

I tried to talk to him, find out what exactly it is, and see if we could figure out a solution. But he seems unable to describe what he fears about and provide a specific reason. Several talks in different times went with no result. For a while I was really frustrated. I broke up with him three times. After each breakup he seemed make up his mind to get married, but as always his feet get cold soon.

 

He never formally proposed. Before 1st breakup he took me to the Tiffany and bought an engagement ring for me. After we made up from the 3rd breakup I asked him how about getting married in September, he said lets do it.

 

He's techie and not a romantic person. He bought me computers, hardwares as birthday gifts. Never sent flowers. During the very difficult breakups, I think we know better we love each other. Because of all these, I thought its ok there's no formal proposal.

 

But as the big day approaching, I feel he has no excitement. I have up and downs which I think its normal: you worry, you fear, you expect, you hope. He seems have none of these. And tonight, I suddenly feel as if its sth he doesn't wanna do and I've pushed him all the way to here.

 

For all these years I couldnt figure out whats his problem w/ marriage. I am especially want to hear from those who can see through persons like him or those with similar experience. I wanna marry him b/c love him. But I really wanna call it off now if he doesn't really want to get married.

[Princess123]

You should of taken those learn to communicate courses before getting married. It breaks some couple up but it helps weave out the ones that won't last.

[LAYAAN]

how old are you two? is it the wedding jitters that you are feeling or you really have serious doubt if this marriage would work? I'm not an expert in this, but my gut tells me if you have any doubt in your heart then don't proceed. I don't know if you are having a grand wedding or not, but even if you were, all that you would lose is money... postpone the wedding if you have serious doubts if the marriage would work or not.

I hope someone else replies as well.

Hope it all works out.

[90_hour_sleep]

i'm not usually one for red flags...but i think your concerns are justified...and warrant further investigation. especially considering the nature of your breakup/reconcilliation history. i wouldn't go so far as to say this guy ''isn't marriage material''...but i think it's important that you understand the nature of his fear...and i mean truly understand (this goes beyond your own perceptions/assumptions of what it all means). i'm of the opinion that your relationship will be one that lacks any sort of clarity until the two of you get to the bottom of that.

 

difficult position though. stopping a marriage may be the right thing to do...but it may cause irreparable damage to the relationship. still...from an outside perspective...it seems like a necessary step.

 

just my thoughts.

 

hope you figure it out.

[DN]

He doesn't act, react and interact the same as you do - but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He proposed, bought a ring and is going to marry you tomorrow. Don't expect him to be like you.

[summerishere]

We are in our thirties. I wanna start a family. Sometimes when i talked about future, seemed he's excited too. The wedding is not a huge event. It surely will cause embarrassment but its not my biggest concern right now.

 

I got this idea after talked to him two hours ago. I asked him if he wants to get married. I think I wanna get a last confirmation or give him opportunity to back out. Not as I expected to be excited or nervous, he's plain as if he got no choice. He said lets do it...everthing has first time...

 

how old are you two? is it the wedding jitters that you are feeling or you really have serious doubt if this marriage would work? I'm not an expert in this, but my gut tells me if you have any doubt in your heart then don't proceed. I don't know if you are having a grand wedding or not, but even if you were, all that you would lose is money... postpone the wedding if you have serious doubts if the marriage would work or not.

I hope someone else replies as well.

Hope it all works out.

[summerishere]

In my heart I know everything you said is true.

 

i'm not usually one for red flags...but i think your concerns are justified...and warrant further investigation. especially considering the nature of your breakup/reconcilliation history. i wouldn't go so far as to say this guy ''isn't marriage material''...but i think it's important that you understand the nature of his fear...and i mean truly understand (this goes beyond your own perceptions/assumptions of what it all means). i'm of the opinion that your relationship will be one that lacks any sort of clarity until the two of you get to the bottom of that.

 

difficult position though. stopping a marriage may be the right thing to do...but it may cause irreparable damage to the relationship. still...from an outside perspective...it seems like a necessary step.

 

just my thoughts.

 

hope you figure it out.

[summerishere]

I hope I can get wiser. I know people are different. Actually I always use this to justify his behaviors.

 

But deep inside I am just an ordinary woman. I hope my boyfriend nervously propose to me, happily marry me, and excitedly look forward to the life with me.

 

He doesn't act, react and interact the same as you do - but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He proposed, bought a ring and is going to marry you tomorrow. Don't expect him to be like you.

[DN]

Well, you should not marry if you have serious doubts. Equally, you could jilt him and regret it for the rest of your life. This decision is one that only you can make - only you know your heart.

[LAYAAN]

OP... dear... I'm sorry you are feeling this way tonight. I guess DN is right... was your man mostly like this for last few years? doesn't express a whole lot type of a man? if yes then probably DN is right. He just isn't expressing much and is willing to marry you tomorrow. I have dated a man who just wouldn't show happiness as I expressed it. It was tough to read him.

Gosh... I hate to see you worried and up at night before your wedding OP. May God give you wisdom to take the right decision... I don't know what it is.

[LAYAAN]

I hope I can get wiser. I know people are different. Actually I always use this to justify his behaviors.

 

But deep inside I am just an ordinary woman. I hope my boyfriend nervously propose to me, happily marry me, and excitedly look forward to the life with me.

I hear you girl... I think most women would agree with this.

[tmtex]

As a techie myself(hey now, I am cool) I would never buy her a hard drive, ok I would give her one (LOL) but would never by her a computer,printer...etc. Thats like getting a blender from your BF.

[abitbroken]

I agree that you can only know what to do.

 

However, it is better to postpone and then get married later than go through with it and divorce right away if you are miserable. its not the party, but the marriage

 

I think you need to postpone the wedding. Not cancel, but postpone. I think you have to have a talk about his family life. Does he not believe in marriage because his parents marriage ended, etc? Is he a person that ever expresses his feelings to you without freaking out and running? Its now or never to do so. I think you need to break the rule about not seeing the bride and have a long talk. don't even get ready until you do.

 

I married a man who told me two years before we married that "marriage doesn't work." And you know what? We are divorced. There were some tough obstacles that we went through and his solution was "marriage doesn't work" versus - okay, let's talk and work something out.

 

Again, you only know you, but don't get married right now if you are not happy, and breaking up so many times is beyond cold feet. My ex didn't believe in marriage, but I think as he got older he was afraid of being alone.

 

I think the two of you have a lot of talking to do. I wouldn't think about all your guests, but your happiness. It could be that he does a lot of thinking tonight and makes the decision that he really wants to marry you and that's that. But he could also make the decision to stand you up and freak out, too. You just don't know. I am not saying he doesn't love you in the way he can, or that there is anyone else..

 

Please keep us updated - we'll be here.

 

I just urge you to make a decision before everyone swarms around you or to talk to him one on one without others around.

[sherryberrypie]

All you need to do is talk to him.

[Siriana]

Does he have problems expressing his emotions and talking about problems in general? Is he emotionally cold? I mean for a guy, not compared to an average girl.

There are two possibilities here in my opinion. First he might have some problems and every woman would run into same problem with him or secondly you guys are not that compatible.

How do you agree on future life goals? Have you talked about having kids? have you made a plan how you'll handle money together (in case you are not doing that already)?

[Lester]

Everyone’s confused. Tons of expects with billions of questions but all to chicken to answer. This affects him.

 

Yes! Get married…

 

From his humble knowledge of women and life you can create a great husband.

Yep, create.

Sure, it’s easy to marry a Romeo or player. They know the “expected” moves but can never be trusted.

He never cheated and always comes back to you.

I say you have been given a gift.

[DN]

I would not assume that if you jilt him that he will be open to marrying you at some later time.

[thejigsup]

I am a marriage phobe and the last thing I would do is set a date to get married. He is ready, he just is a tad more fearful than you are about marriage. Once he's married, he'll probably be fine. I would never go back with someone who was pushing marriage. He did, so that shows you that he wants to marry you and he is happy about it, in his own way.