hausser Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 Now I know there are people who still miss their ex terribly even with a new partner, but there seem to be a hell of a lot more who only truly feel healed when they are in a new relationship. I know I stopped thinking of my first gf only when I got another and that was a good few years after. I've done 60+ days of NC, am putting on slabs of muscle in the gym (muscle memory, weight trained for 10+ years) job interviews galore and I still find I'm missing her a bit tbh. Not as sharply as before but my gut is telling me that now is the right time to go out and date someone else. I suppose "finding someone new" means serious dating or a new relationship as opposed to one night stands obviously. I wonder if there is a point at which you can "force" recovery by going into a relationship. For example, I know I was way too raw for the first 4 weeks at least, but I wonder if someone I was attracted to had made a serious move on me, and persevered at the post 4 week stage, would it have accelerated recovery? I mean, it works for a lot of dumpers? Any thoughts? *And yes in case you're wondering I have a woman being VERY persistent with regards to us meeting up. She is older than me by a few years and mature and I am 95% we could date lol. She is attractive but my confidence is still pretty shot. I'm thinking it may regrow it a little. Link to comment
banal Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 Yes it helps. A lot. I've gotten over breakups fully only after I've been in another relationship. I don't start dating until I'm over the grief enough that I can function, and I can be fair to the new people in my life, but after that, complete recovery comes only after I begin to develop feelings for another person. FWIW I've never had a 'rebound' relationship, either, so I know how long I need before I start dating again. Link to comment
hausser Posted September 9, 2011 Author Share Posted September 9, 2011 Yeah that's what I figured man, what's good for the goose, is good for gander as they say. And, as many of our exe's dumped us (and got over us) via a new partner. I'm sure I am stating the obvious to a lot of people, and I know it's received wisdom, but I feel for me at least I am the stage now where I have made significant inroads in a sense of doing NC, getting life back on track, final piece of the puzzle is to develop feelings for someone else. I actually think I would be better off dating someone for a bit before trying to embark on playing the field. I dunno I just get this feeling it wouldnt help my healing to have random one night stands, perhaps others can weigh in? Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 i think the only way I will fully get over my ex is if I fall in love with someone else at this point. Link to comment
1m50L0nl3y Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 I think it depends on how healed are you. What I mean is if you still hold a grudge against your ex is very likely you take it out on the new one. If you have trust issues whatever they do will have you doing "grrrrr". But in most cases it helps a lot to shift your attention to the new object of your desire. Link to comment
Tryptophan Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 It all depends on the person, really. I dated someone for a month at the 4-month mark, and the guy was amazing! But I still sort of empty so it ended mostly because we weren't really "progressing". I'm now seeing one now but we don't go out as much, but it's seriously difficult to get that spark again. Link to comment
delicous Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 It definetly is not the way to go hun....I know first hand...I lost my EVERYTHING, the LOVE OF MY LIFE...Or so I thought til he got married shortly after we broke up...=( The saying "Time heals all wounds" is so true...I went into relationships and unhealthy ones at that, if you read my old thread called "break up sex" you will get to know me a lot faster then me writing everything about myself lol... But yeah....If I can turn back time, I would of waited before dating/sleeping with someone again...I also may have still ended up with the man I am with now, but in a lot more healthy circumstances, both him and I should of waited...We both wanted it NOW though..which is a terrible habbit to get into... This is all I can really say about that question...NOOOOO It is a BAD thing!...The end...lol--Oh and getting with some one else is a definetly a distraction, but its not the "healthy way" of moving on ...and when I say moving on ...I mean "growing as a person." Link to comment
hausser Posted September 9, 2011 Author Share Posted September 9, 2011 Interesting... guess it's a lot of trial and error, chemistry and a whole other myriad of factors! Wish this woman chasing me didnt have how can I say this "history" (nothing violent just kids) lol but at this moment it seems better than being stuck in alone all the time. Link to comment
Eocsor Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 Nope. One of the worst ideas ever. You can't get over someone by getting under someone. You just submerge the hurt and most times screw up someone else in the process. Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 i think it depends on how long you were together, how long you've been broken up, how quick you are to heal, etc. Link to comment
beacon Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 Bettering oneself is the holy grail. Link to comment
dabbledave Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 Finding YOURSELF is the key. Only YOU can love yourself fully. Only YOU can make yourself truly happy. Only YOU can ever properly understand yourself. Once you have filled yourself up with love and happiness then you're ready to share the overflow. Sounds trite. But 'tis true. Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 at some point along i think dating and seeing other people becomes part of the healing process though. Link to comment
banal Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 Finding YOURSELF is the key. Only YOU can love yourself fully. Only YOU can make yourself truly happy. Only YOU can ever properly understand yourself. Once you have filled yourself up with love and happiness then you're ready to share the overflow. Sounds trite. But 'tis true. See, this is what everyone says, but most of the time it just flat out isn't true. A lot of people have trouble being alone and single for a variety of reasons. It's not that they NEED to be in a relationship to be remotely happy. It's that, when talking about fully getting over an ex to the point where you don't think about him/her all that often anymore, where you can finally move forward, it definitely does help to get in another relationship. Link to comment
Eocsor Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 I don't know. I think that you should be already healed before you date. If you need another person in your life to make you whole after you got dumped that seems a little needy and desperate. Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 I don't know. I think that you should be already healed before you date. If you need another person in your life to make you whole after you got dumped that seems a little needy and desperate. how long after the break up do you think its acceptable to date? Link to comment
Glowguy Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 I don't know. I think that you should be already healed before you date. If you need another person in your life to make you whole after you got dumped that seems a little needy and desperate. I think that I'm fully healed now. Things are going really well for me and I'm pretty happy with myself. That being said, I still think about my ex a lot and the main reason is because the relationship portion is still missing. I don't need another person in my life but I do want one so something still feels like it is missing from my life. I know when I meet someone new who I really get on with then I probably won't think about my ex at all. Link to comment
Eocsor Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 how long after the break up do you think its acceptable to date? As long as it takes to heal and move on is how long you should stay single. Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 As long as it takes to heal and move on is how long you should stay single. I think if I wasn't out dating, I think I would be even more stuck with my healing and maybe even lose progress. I'd probably still be thinking about my ex all the time. Going out with other guys has made me realize that my ex isn't the only one out there. I don't think I'll be able to heal 100% until I am in love with someone else. I think that not wanting to look for someone new when you feel like you are ready would hold you back. Link to comment
hausser Posted September 9, 2011 Author Share Posted September 9, 2011 Agreed with milkandhoney. I think dating someone else may be the final piece of the puzzle for some to truly get over an ex. I really can't see how it hurts as some have indicated. Notice I originally said date long term not a succession of one night stands. Link to comment
Oneironaut Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 Really, it's another one of those things that is different for everyone. Some people are on the road to healing when they begin dating again, and it actually speeds up the process because they begin to realize that there ARE "other fish in the ocean", as it were. Others have to be fully healed before they can even begin to think about dating anyone else. As with almost everything relating to human emotions, there is no "one-size-fits-all" answer to the question. It's unrealistic to expect everyone to be -completely- healed before dating new people, nor is it very fair to the people you date if you're still so caught up in wanting your ex back that you're just trying to find a replacement. Do what feels right for you. Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 i agree, it's going to be different for everyone depending on the details of the relationship and breakup and the people involved. I know I would just be going crazy if I was not dating other guys, but I had my breakup almost 2 years ago. Link to comment
banal Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 I don't know. I think that you should be already healed before you date. If you need another person in your life to make you whole after you got dumped that seems a little needy and desperate. Well, that's your opinion. It's a human need, a strong one, to feel loved, to experience intimacy. To have experienced these things with another person, and then to have that person leave you, yes, that creates a void. I think it's absurd to regard this desire to feel loved as 'needy and desperate.' This whole idea that a dumpee should work on herself, and heal by herself, and learn to live by herself - yeah, that's wonderfully poetic rhetoric. That's about it. The truth is, if you had a good relationship, and it's done, then you're going to miss it, and for most people - maybe not you, but most people - you won't fully recover from this until you replace it. Link to comment
dabbledave Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 My point is that if you don't feel like a whole person being single, how attractive will you be to potential lovers who feel that they ARE whole people? To define oneself as being someone who isn't whole or "fully recovered" until in an intimate relationship ironically places so much undue pressure on the relationship and the people within that relationship to make you happy. Hence my suggestion is to be whole, to be filled up and overflowing with your own self-generated love and happiness so that you can be a nett contributor to a fulfilling relationship. Cheers, DD PS Eacsor, It's nice to be on the same side of a debate Link to comment
jellysandwich Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Yes. Finding yourself, the new you, is indeed the holy grail of recovery. Link to comment
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