Found a recording of me and my ex arguing and feel terrible

[Mustang]

I've had iTunes on shuffle all day and I've just heard a recording that I made of an argument with my ex girlfriend a month or so before she went off with someone else (I think).

 

Anyway, listening to it now, I was shocked at how I just sat back and sighed when she was saying things to me about how she didn't / couldn't trust me and how she would accuse me of things I wasn't doing. Not once do I say "I love her" while all that was going on. I just argued back and said she was wrong. That makes me feel sad. Had I done so, maybe I would've still been with her now.

 

Listening to it just makes me realise how I took her for granted and just assumed that she'd be with me no matter what. I hate that because I really did (and still do) love her. I just didn't show it and hearing the recording has made me look at things completely differently. Whilst I've been hurt by her, clearly I hurt her too. I know I've been making out that I'm the victim and in some cases I may be, but I realise that I've been selfish in my grief because she obviously felt unloved for a while which is why she did what she did.

 

I know there's nothing I can do about it now, I just wish I could go back and change things. The saying "you don't know what you've got until it's gone" couldn't ring more true with me right now.

 

I wish I had another chance to prove how sorry I am and how the time apart has made me realise what she means to me. But I know she won't listen.

[DerekJason]

This is exactly how im feeling right now as i type.sucks. big time.

[DN]

So she accuses you of things you didn't do and says she can't trust you and you are supposed to suck it up and say "I love you" in an effort to appease her?

 

I think you need to rethink that.

[donpeel83]

So she accuses you of things you didn't do and says she can't trust you and you are supposed to suck it up and say "I love you" in an effort to appease her?

 

I think you need to rethink that.

 

Couldnt agree more. In time I believe the OP will realise this once the rose tinted specs are taken off.

[Mustang]

She sounds like someone who's very hurt and doesn't feel loved. Her paranoia and insecurity came from somewhere and I did take her for granted. I kind of always felt like she'd love me no matter what and I didn't make effort to make things work.

 

I'm not saying that she didn't over react but I do think I didn't really help by getting defensive, angry and stubborn in retaliation.

[Mustang]

No idea why but I've really missed her this week. I think it's all been because I sent her a pointless message on Monday. She's ignored it which has just sent my mind into overdrive. I guess there's a lesson there isn't there? Don't contact her again.

[Glowguy]

I've had iTunes on shuffle all day and I've just heard a recording that I made of an argument with my ex girlfriend a month or so before she went off with someone else (I think).

 

If she ran off with someone else that quickly than I seriously doubt she loved you all that much. I wouldn't beat yourself up over one argument. This is just a minor step back and you're having an emotional reaction. I know I handled more than a few arguments poorly but just the fact that we were arguing so much showed how wrong we were for each other. Delete the recording and don't look back.

[Mustang]

If she ran off with someone else that quickly than I seriously doubt she loved you all that much. I wouldn't beat yourself up over one argument. This is just a minor step back and you're having an emotional reaction. I know I handled more than a few arguments poorly but just the fact that we were arguing so much showed how wrong we were for each other. Delete the recording and don't look back.

 

Well, I don't know for certain that she ran off for someone else but it makes sense. She denied anything was going on with her friend who she suddenly started seeing loads of but I don't really know whether I believe her or not. That doesn't matter now though - at the end of the day, she was only doing what she wanted to do and I obviously contributed to her feeling that way.

 

A few months previous, she would've done anything for me. As upset as I am about how she handled the break up, I have to accept that I played my part too. And it hurts because I can't change anything. She has it in her head that I am a monster and no matter what I do moving forward won't matter.

[thejigsup]

It's kinda hard to be romantic in the middle of an argument where you are being falsely accused of things you haven't done. Isn't it? You were human and reacted as most humans would. Instead of accusing you of things, she should have gotten to the heart of the matter, she felt neglected. If she had done that, maybe you two could have fixed things. No matter how much you love a guy, when you feel unloved and a guy comes along who thinks you're the greatest, it's very easy to move on. She was just being human, also.

[Mustang]

No matter how much you love a guy, when you feel unloved and a guy comes along who thinks you're the greatest, it's very easy to move on. She was just being human, also.

 

Exactly. This is what kills me. Because the time apart from her has made me realise what I had and what I lost. I'm not saying I didn't love her when I was with her but I can't help but feel I should've done more. If someone else came along that didn't make her feel paranoid and insecure then it's understandable that she was tempted away. How can someone new make her feel paranoid and insecure? They can't. She just obvious saw it as an easier option to cut her loses and start again.

 

I just wish she knew how many regrets I have and how the reasons why we broke up could easily be resolved and fixed. I'm fully prepared to do whatever it takes to repair things. But I can't. I miss her and I can't stop thinking about everything but no matter what I say or do, she will always have that memory of me and she will naturally want to protect herself and run away from it. She won't back down because of how things were at the end. I can't convince her with words, I can only convince her with actions. But if she's not wanting to see or speak to me anymore, I have no way of showing her what she means to me.

 

I shouldn't have contacted her on Monday. It was foolish of me as not only has it set me back, but it's also probably pushed her away even further. I just don't know what else to do. I don't want to move on and I don't want to leave her in the past. I know it's my only option but NC feels horrible having all these unresolved issues and feelings still in my mind.

[hausser]

I know dude but trust me every bit of contact you make makes it more likely to push her away. We all know how you fee, hell I've even had a slight manifestation of it myself this week and I'm 60 days NC.

 

If you haven't already delete that message and purge any other mementos.

[hausser]

No matter how much you love a guy, when you feel unloved and a guy comes along who thinks you're the greatest, it's very easy to move on. She was just being human, also.

 

Very enlightening post, thanks.

[Mustang]

I know dude but trust me every bit of contact you make makes it more likely to push her away. We all know how you fee, hell I've even had a slight manifestation of it myself this week and I'm 60 days NC.

 

If you haven't already delete that message and purge any other mementos.

 

I know. As much as I want to contact her, there's nothing I can say. And even if I find some lame excuse to talk to her (like I did on Monday) I'll regret it straight away. Especially when she ignores it.

 

I just miss her so much.

[lapse]

My advice is to get some recording software and splice up the conversation with a sick breakcore track like this:

 

Then get an old-school ghetto blaster on your shoulder and walk over to her place with it playing the new track full blast.

 

Ohhhahahahaha This is a great idea. Cracks me up so big, lemsip!

 

I have often wished that I had recordings of some of my arguments with the ex. I would try to explain them to someone else, and I could just never convey how absurd these arguments were. How convoluted they were. Would love to have these clips to remind me of how insane the whole thing was.

 

OP, please don't feel bad. Do not keep looking backward. Even if you feel, listening to it now, that you could respond better, there is nothing you can do about the past. Perhaps it was a call to action to be more present in your relationships. That is always good - being present and communicating. You might also be someone who gets overwhelmed during conflict. Arguments are hard and when you're being hit by a barrage of attacks, it's virtually impossible to respond clearly to them. I hope you can learn what you can from it and move forward.

[hausser]

I know dude I know. Right now you need people around you. Whether it's here or in "real" world. You need to talk and as importantly people to talk sense to you.

 

At this moment in time one that may help you is to "angerfy" your perception of her a bit. Re-read some of your posts here regarding her behaviour leading up to and post BU. Let it instill a bit of a contempt for and hopefully take the sting out the feelings. I know that's what Paul Mckenna recommends when he treats people for it. He does it a bit more of a technique but essentially the same.

[Tryptophan]

At least you acknowledged you messed up but also acknowledge that she also made some mistakes; you can't put the blame all on you. No one likes to be accused of anything so acting defensively is a common reaction. Why would you hide what you felt at that time 'hoping' she wouldn't go away? Besides, most breakups aren't based on lack of love, but rather frustration and exhaustion of resources on one (or both) end(s). I'm afraid "love" wouldn't have made much of a difference.