12 months, still miss her terribly.

[bob333]

I've posted my story else where, I was last here in March earlier this year.

 

Its been 12 long months since I split with my GF, I thought by now I would be well and truly over her, but I'm not, I still miss her and wish we were together every day. I keep thinking she will be coming back, as she has done once before when we split up.

 

I've split up with others and managed to move on, but this ones different, she is very much missed, I ache inside to be together.

I do NC for 2/3 months at a go, but feel no different, over the long 12 months I've grown to manage the pain, so life can go on, I'm out and about, I am fun again for all, but I still hold a flame deep inside.

 

I recently started a new relationship, she is a nice person, I like her very much and I think she likes me, and I try to be the best I can for her, but I'm not sure it will last, there are children from previous relationships, and money issues ... I just want something fun and simple right now - go out, paint the town red, lots of mad sex, but this seems complicated, she is very guarded and we are confined by her responsibilities, but saying that I will try my best - I want to see over the superficial.

 

I have seen my ex 5 times over the last 12 months, the last few times (April, then August) I have waited for her outside work (she's only 5 minutes away from me here) and I've offered her a lift home, and we've sat and nattered in the rush hour traffic. She tells me she is still in a relationship, but I'm not sure - the conversations dont lead me to think so, I wonder if she is just doing that 'single thing' that some women seem to do after being broken hearted. But I could be wrong, and maybe she is going to marry an immigrant after all, silly girl - I'll assume he just wants one thing from her, a visa, and if thats the case the relationship wont last, she just wants to be married, and that is what he's offering her.

 

In the last 6 months I feel I've almost moved on many times, but then slipped back again. Just before I entered this new relationship I felt great, its very early days ... and maybe I'm just comparing, and as the relationship develops maybe my mind will change, when we are together (we only see each other at weekends) all seems fine, but when I'm on my own my mind wanders back to wondering about my ex, in the last week I have slipped back and felt very very sad about things, almost like the clock has been wound back 6 months, or more ... maybe I feel this way entering a new relationship - its awakened some feelings ... personally I just feel the new relationship is just a shadow of what I had before.

 

Is this how one feels after you've had your heart broken, and you enter a new relationship.

Maybe I'm accepting second best and just looking for a distraction to the heart ache I've felt almost constantly these last 12 months.?

Am I wrong to think she will get dumped on and run back to me - as she has done before, or am holding onto false hope and am torturing myself, I want so much to go round to her work and grab her and put my arms around her and say 'come back' but I know it is futile if she is with another now. Her contract runs out at the end of the year, and get the feeling she will vanish without a trace, that makes me sad, but also makes me think it might force me to try and move on, which is just not happening.

[sognatrice]

I know how you feel. I miss my ex too every day.

 

The one piece of advice I can give you though is to break up with your new girlfriend. You can't be fair to her and give her all you have if you are still pining for your ex. She deserves someone who is 100% and unfortunately you can't be that for her right now.

[bob333]

Yes I have been thinking about breaking up, but its only been a few weeks, and I like her and she is healing for me, 12 months without any physical contact is a long time, were still exploring each other and taking that journey when a new relationship starts.

I remember when I broke up with my ex before, I soon found someone else - and had similar feelings with the new relationship, but I rode through them and in the end had a really nice relationship - if only for 6 months, when her visa expired, but even then I still hankered after my ex, and as soon as the six month relationship was over - I contacted the ex, but only to find out she was emigrating to marry another man !, but that went pear shaped and she run back to me.

[lalalollipops]

I think you should dump the new girl. I broke up with the only guy I ever loved (and was close to marrying) 13 months ago. Dated abit, and this year had a um 'relationship' for three months. Realised my heart was not in it at all. Found it a waste of time and pointless, as well as unfair for the new guy so I broke up with him (he was supposedly falling in love with me? =/)

I think you should process your emotions before getting into anything, that way you won't be using the new person.

I'm pretty ok with being single, and right now I feel soo much better than how I was when I was going out with (what I would guess is technically) my latest ex. After everything, I've found that I've grown numb to things and really apathetic to life. Guess it could be partially cos he betrayed me, but I just think taking time to heal is an important part of a person's growth process. Don't use another person to distract you from whatever you need to deal with. Face it heads on, and THEN get into a relationship.

 

Too bad too many people are scared to be alone.

[Tryptophan]

I don't think you're doing yourself any good by allowing the new relationship to continue. You're playing with her, and you're playing with yourself. Nothing good ever comes out of playing games especially when you're still not over your ex.

 

But I'm gonna tell you why you're not over her—because you continue to see her. Of course you're still gonna want her. You need to do NC for a period of time, longer than the time you did.

[Carus]

Bob*

 

Firstly, I'm 2.5 years out and I could have written that post...So you're not alone...

 

Whilst I think that time alone is where we look deeper inside ourselves so maybe you need some more of that, I also long for that closeness with someone. If we waited until we were 100% perfect in every way before we enter into another RS, well, we could be waiting a loonngg time....

 

Now my ex left me for someone else under a cloud of confusion and pain that I'm sure she went through even though she was the one who left, however they are still together to this day...

 

I'm not exactly sure how they did it but one thing I remember her saying before I never heard from her again was "We're taking it slow"....

 

So that would be my advice to you....

 

But I do agree with the others...Be aware that the longer you nourish this new RS the harder it will be to end it*

 

But look, I hope it all works out for you and I trust you will do the right things when the times come.....

 

Best of Luck

Carus* 8-)

[bob333]

Umm, coming back here is ... errr stirring all sorts of sad emotions.

 

I used to come here and write and hope I would find some light to get her back, but I have moved on in some respects.

 

Carus, so after 2.5 years, can I ask how you feel now, sounds very similar to me - my ex lined someone up behind my back and jumped ship, that hurt, and still haunts me, I just cant shake the pain I feel, I run things over and over in my mind about it.

Have you waited, and are you still waiting ? It must hurt knowing she is still with the man she run off with.

I still harbour a fantasy that I can go see my ex and charm her away from her boyfriend, pick her up after work and be there for her, like I know I'm better than him ... which obviously I'm not, I'm just a sad man really.

 

Your probably right, I keep thinking 2/3 months should be enough to clear my mind - maybe I should do 6 months.

12 months is too long to not be in a relationship, at my age I like the comfort and closeness it brings - which is the opposite of how I was when I was younger, I dont want to be cold, numb and stark to the world, I want to feel I'm living - and nourish I will, I always do, thats how I am, but maybe this lady will end it with me first ?? its happened before to me. Am being selfish bringing some fun and light to someones life, tomorrow we will sit and chat, drink wine, share each other bodies ... why would I not want that with someone who I like.

[Carus]

Carus, so after 2.5 years, can I ask how you feel now, sounds very similar to me - my ex lined someone up behind my back and jumped ship, that hurt, and still haunts me, I just cant shake the pain I feel, I run things over and over in my mind about it.

I'm ok bud thanks* Yeh it hurts like nothin' else but as time and life move on the pain subsides and you start walking faster and taller.

 

I don't talk about it too much because it scares people who are fresh into a BU that it may take them x amount of time to recover, but of course it wont be like this for everyone. Mine was a severe case and it goes beyond just her leaving me....

 

But on a positive, I'm a lot better than I was and I have a truck load of knowledge now that will serve me well in the future if I ever find myself in that position again*

Have you waited, and are you still waiting ?

It took me over a year to finally let go...but this wasn't helped by her infrequent contact and reading about how rebound relationships dont work out etc...

 

I wouldn't say I'm waiting anymore no. That would be ludicrous and I've even had some short term relationships in the meantime. But at the moment I'm single and if the impossible were to actually happen I'd approach it with caution and just see what happened...There are 2 or 3 ex's that I'd like to see again but anyway....

It must hurt knowing she is still with the man she run off with.

The first 6-12 months was a living nightmare but these days it's a small stone in my shoe and I really do care less and less...It kinda confuses me more than anything heh..

Am I being selfish bringing some fun and light to someones life, tomorrow we will sit and chat, drink wine, share each other bodies ... why would I not want that with someone who I like.

Well again, take it slow, be open and honest with her and see how you go. If you start having genuine feelings for the new girl then great, but if things dont go well or you cant stop thinking about your ex then you will have 2 breakups to handle emotionally...

 

Thanks again for asking and I hope you can find the best path*

Regards

Carus* 8-)

[camus154]

Ok, here goes:

 

Firstly, why are you hanging out at your ex's work waiting to give her a ride? No wonder you're not over her yet! Every time you do this you're picking open a scab that's only just begun to form!

 

So first bit of advice: get used to the idea that your ex isn't coming back to you. Quit pondering her new relationship and whether it will work out. That's absolutely none of your business!

 

Secondly, regarding your new relationship--that's a rebound. You're perfectly free to take it as far and as long as you wish, but in all reality you know it's never going to be a long term, real thing. If she knows this, then great...but if she thinks otherwise, then you're just leading her on.

 

Why don't you try dating around non-exclusively instead? Why jump right into a rebound just because you're lonely?

[lemsip]

 

Why don't you try dating around non-exclusively instead?

 

I'd like to do this but I don't know what it means! Am I naive?

Does non-exclusively not just mean one-night stands and stuff?

There are a few girls I like, and I suspect like me, but I don't want to have a full-blown relationship. But surely if you start dating that's the natural course of progression is it not? Why date if you don't want a partner?

[camus154]

It's just dating....it took me awhile to get used to as well, this whole "date multiple women" thing, as all my life I was in monogamous relationships. But really it's quite simple. You automatically start off as non-exclusive when you begin dating a woman. It's the default position. So there's nothing wrong with dating multiple women at the same time--as long as you're honest with all parties involved.

 

Yeah, normally this means things won't progress very far with any particular woman. Eventually the exclusive talk will come about, and usually that's where it will end. But if you're not after a serious relationship anyway, it won't matter.

[Live-N-Learn]

I know what you are going through my friend. I have been officially broken up with my ex for 18 months. Still not over her. I am much better off of course and have dated and had some fun. However in the back of my mind she haunts me. I am sure she is never coming back and am trying my best to accept it.

 

A big part of the reason I am not over it though is because we continued seeing each other and sleeping together until last December. The push pull we went through along with all the mixed signals and drama have caused severe damage to my mind and heart. I have learned so much from the experience and just need more time to heal. I realize she is a mess but still love her.

 

As for getting into a serious relationship, I tried it and it did not work. The girl was attractive, fun and better than my ex in many ways. Unfortunately it still did not work out. I had to convince myself she was better than my ex. So for me, I really do not know when I will be totally over my ex. But I keep doing the right things and pushing forward. I have faith that one day I will meet someone better than my ex. I sure hope so.

[pillowtalk]

It's been a year for me also. I'm not particularly heartbroken, but I still have a lingering sadness.

 

It's hard to lose someone that important in your life. I don't really know how you get over missing someone entirely.

[bob333]

So much advise thanks all.

 

I think what really haunts me is the suspicion she lined someone up behind my back and just jumped - and jumped to someone random who crossed her path at that time, we were having a rocky patch, and I didn't handle it very well ... so in my mind I just keep wanting to make it all better, go see her and win her back.

 

I wish so much I didnt feel all this, and after so long, I have a heavy heart, even writing all this has affected me.

 

My father thought she was a bit nuts, and thinks she is poison ivy for me, somehow she put me here, and I know she knows how I feel, and she likes the power. But in the twisted way our relationship was - she asked me to marry her 3 times when we were going out, she was so into me, but now nothing. That also haunts me, how can someone change like that so quick, it makes me wonder if her new BF is really is better than me.

 

This has all made me quite ill at times from the stress.

I guess last time I saw her was only 6 weeks ago, and maybe I am on a rebound still.

 

I think my new GF can sense where it might go, I get that feeling.

 

I tried dating, but thats all so random, and quite hard work ... I did a load earlier in the year, but obviously wasn't in good shape and my dates could sense that, so I had to deal with a lot of rejection.

 

But time has helped a bit, it has been just a stone in my shoe up until I entered this other relationship.

 

Maybe its the comparing I am doing thats bringing me back down - is that the sign of a rebound relationship ?

[lalalollipops]

It's pretty obv it's rebound, and it's totally unfair for the new girl. You should learn to be content to be alone and stand on your two feet. One year isn't 'too long to be single', you should work on your slight codependency tendencies =)

[Ms Darcy]

Agree that this is clearly a rebound and you should let her go.

[bob333]

Well, I had a lovely weekend together with her kids, and I thoroughly enjoyed it, and so did she.

 

Its like a breath of fresh air, like I've been in a dark place in my head for 12 long months, hung up on someone.

I think the last few weeks have been a bit of shock, I wondered what I was getting into with this single mother of two.

Yes I was comparing - its very different, there are other people in the relationship - her children, I'm not number one, the sex is different, and there's much less of it, but after being hurt so badly I feel I have so much to give - more so than if I'd not been - hope that makes sense.

 

Even on Friday I went to pick up my ex from work - but she's wasn't there, maybe her contract has now expired and she's finally gone on somewhere else, I'm glad she wasn't there, that really confused matters, as you say its picking at a big scab ... I wont be doing that again. This week I have been focusing on this new lady, and not wasting my time thinking of people who are else where in there lives.

 

She has two beautiful children who I actually quite like, and I think I'm discovering a side to me I've not come accross before - I like children, well these children anyway. I've not really had that much to do with children up till this.

I feel I'm almost having a relationship with two people - her and her young son - which is great, her daughter is a bit older and more independent, but she's still lovely.

 

Its also nice to see a woman who really loves her children, like she really loves them, how could my ex leave her own children for her selfish desires with another man ... its just unthinkable, she only needed to be there a few more years anyway.

 

We've arranged a baby sitter for friday and are going out together for the first time since we started dating nearly over a month ago, and I'm really looking forward to it.

 

I guess some of you are pointing the finger and saying 'rebound', maybe it is, but I've never done short flings, I like to invest in whom ever I have a close relationship, some may say thats 'co-dependance', but what I give comes without strings - I am not a possesive man. I want be with her because I like her, simple - she's her own woman - independent, standing on her own feet, something my ex could never do, maybe the relationship with my ex was too intense, and things just exploded at the end, and I got shell shock ?

[Carus]

Even if it is a 'Rebound' or whatever label people wanna put on it, doesn't mean it cant flourish into something more*

 

It's sound like you are now purging the ex from your system and that is what needs to happen if you want to move forward with the new girl*

 

All the Best

Carus* 8-)

[l69]

1 year today exactly and I know how you feel.

 

I've missed her every single day.

[Vanilla Sky]

1 year today exactly and I know how you feel.

 

I've missed her every single day.

 

Heeeyy I'm also a member of the club!! My anniversary of the last time seeing him was also this month, and even with a bad BU, real sorry behaviour on his part, counseling and meeting really great guys that I sadly had no real interest in, I still miss him and have to fight the urge to contact him. I feel pathetic. Uuugh

[bob333]

Yep, the 12 month club.

Of us, who would have thought when we were first stabbed through the heart all those months ago we would still not be back on our feet all this time later ... but 2 weeks on from that anniversary - its been such a roller coaster ride, we spent another nice weekend together, went to a childrens party on Saturday with her children, which normally I'd run a mile from - but I was very happy. We went home, she put the kids to bed, we shared some food and wine - then had mad passionate sex, and loving cuddles ... great, very cleansing.

Late last night on my way home I drove past my ex's place, I thought twice about it, but it was sort of on my way, I parked up - sat and thought - something I've done a few times before over the last 12 months, I could see she still lived there with her stuff in the window, her light was off, I guessed she was out or asleep - this time I just felt a calm sadness - not that mad manicness, I didn't wonder too much about her though, just said good night to her in my head, and after only a few minutes I drove off and went to bed at my place, with nice thoughts of the weekend and my lovely new girlfriend and her kids running round my brain.

You may all curse me for that last sentence, but many years ago I broke up with a long term GF (9 years) - after we split I would occassionally drive past the flat we shared, I did that on and off for 3 years ... cant explain how I couldn't let go, it only took a new GF to make that happen, maybe thats what will happen now. I'm going to go dance in the rain, for brighter days to come !!