aporia14 Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 My brother is 18 and his GF is 16 turning 17 next month. They had a baby last year. The GF and baby were living with me and my husband for the past 10 months at our home in MD. The GF does not come from a good family. No one in her family has graduated high school and they are all in this country illegally. Also, I question their character and morals as none of her family members visited her and the baby in all the months they have lived with us. She is still a child herself and I can't imagine why they would not want to know if she is okay. I hate the way the speak to each other. She recently re-connected with her family and we did not approve of her taking the baby for a long period of time to visit her family in NYC because she is not very good at caring for the baby. She is not very in-tuned to his needs and she is negligent. She did not like that my mom and I expressed concern for the baby's safety and well being. She took offense to our opinions and she also broke-up with my brother (their relationship had not been well for a while). She took off to NYC with the baby and she is living in a dump in NYC with her aunt who has encouraged her to quite school and get a job. She won't tell us where she is or who is taking care of the baby and I am so worried about his well-being and his future. My mom tells me that the GF does not want us to ever see the baby again. I cannot believe this ungrateful sixteen year old has control over this innocent and sweet baby. I am normally a very level headed and reserved person but I am so full of anger right now. I don't know what to do. I tried to speak to an attorney and it will be a crap shoot and a lot of money to pursue this legally. Plus courts tend to give rights to the parents. I've had thoughts of having her deported. I just don't know what to do...the baby was so happy with us....he had plenty of love and care. Right now I worry if he is getting enough to eat, or if anyone is paying attention to him. The GF won't talk to us and when she does she just lies to get us off her back and then ignores us. I feel like there is no reasoning with her. I don't see what we've done to deserve this treatment. We have treated her better than her family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chitown9 Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 What about the father of the baby? What did the attorney say about his rights?..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
birdname Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 The fact that you question her families morals isn't your business, unfortunately However, it is possible to "kidnap" ones own child. Your brother should call the police. Sounds like it might also be a good idea for him to get a lawyer and get a formal custody arrangement set out. Don't focus your anger on fighting her directly. This is your brothers fight. Channel your energy into giving him the tools and support he needs to fight this battle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ferna3069 Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 well this has nothing to do with where the girl is from or her education. it has to do with the girl herself. i know your worried about the baby. and i think the best thing to do is toget a lawyer and try to get custody of the baby. i wish you luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aporia14 Posted September 8, 2011 Author Share Posted September 8, 2011 My brother is a loser. There is an 11 year age difference between me and my brother and so I've had to be his parent most of the time. Our mother is not good at laying down the law and she turns to me to help her out so my brother resents me for it. Also, he seems to take the path of least resistance when it comes to his GF. I think he is just happy to be done with her. I am not sure why he doesn't seem to feel the way I do about his son. I hate him so much for that and because of it I would like to shut him out of my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Unfortunately, you really have no legal say here in the matter. You are considered an extended and not an immediate relative. Your brother, however, has every right to see the child as the child's father, but he has to request and demand it with or without legal counsel. Since he is a minor, he may or may not be able to do everything an adult would legally depending on the laws in your state. He and his parents, unless you are his legal guardian, need to pursue this. One can claim that she is an unfit mother but first he needs to work on his rights as a father. I agree, it is not up to you to decide what the morals of the family are. In fact, it could be that they see that she has to support the family so sees work as the only way even though it is a bad choice. But you can encourage your brother to take action here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 The sad fact is, as the child's aunt, unless you proved the mother was abusing the child, there isn't much you can do that I know of. Because as you said, courts will side with a parent before a relative and if there is no physical abuse and the father of the child isn't backing you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ferna3069 Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 im sorry to hear this but i think the only people who can fight for the baby is ether your brother or your mom. well you can to if youlive in the usa and are married with a good job. and your brother is just imature Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aporia14 Posted September 8, 2011 Author Share Posted September 8, 2011 im sorry to hear this but i think the only people who can fight for the baby is ether your brother or your mom. well you can to if youlive in the usa and are married with a good job. and your brother is just imature Both my husband and I are much more capable of providing for the baby than she and my brother or her family. My husband has a good job, we have a nice home, and we are outstanding citizens. I was thinking of having my mom petition the court for at least visitation rights as the grandmother. I rather not deal with my brother. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
birdname Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Both my husband and I are much more capable of providing for the baby than she and my brother or her family. My husband has a good job, we have a nice home, and we are outstanding citizens. I was thinking of having my mom petition the court for at least visitation rights as the grandmother. I rather not deal with my brother. I am a broke single mom that ended up quitting school to work in order to provide for my babies. A millionare with a stay at home mother could do a "better job" and be "more capable" than me, by all accounts a young mom (I was 17 when I got pregnant) This doesn't change the fact that I am their mother. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ferna3069 Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Both my husband and I are much more capable of providing for the baby than she and my brother or her family. My husband has a good job, we have a nice home, and we are outstanding citizens. I was thinking of having my mom petition the court for at least visitation rights as the grandmother. I rather not deal with my brother.sounds like a plan, your brother and his ex are just imature, you can get visitation rights so you can see how good the baby is doing and if she is not capable of taking care of the baby you can fight for the baby at court, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aporia14 Posted September 8, 2011 Author Share Posted September 8, 2011 The fact that you question her families morals isn't your business, unfortunately. I question their morals because I am aware that the girl's 7 year old brother is being sexually abused but I am not sure by whom. There are two social services cases out on her brother but because they are illegal the agency directs their case to a community mediator who just educates the father on how to get free stuff from the government. Her 7 year old brother has been caught 3 times making sexual advances to other little boys. No one in her family sees this as an issue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
birdname Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 I question their morals because I am aware that the girl's 7 year old brother is being sexually abused but I am not sure by whom. There are two social services cases out on her brother but because they are illegal the agency directs their case to a community mediator who just educates the father on how to get free stuff from the government. Her 7 year old brother has been caught 3 times making sexual advances to other little boys. No one in her family sees this as an issue. I'm not saying I don't believe you, or that your concerns aren't founded. Just saying it isn't necessarily a president for your case. At least where I'm from, the courts would treat this as a totally separate issue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aporia14 Posted September 8, 2011 Author Share Posted September 8, 2011 I am a broke single mom that ended up quitting school to work in order to provide for my babies. A millionare with a stay at home mother could do a "better job" and be "more capable" than me, by all accounts a young mom (I was 17 when I got pregnant) This doesn't change the fact that I am their mother. Perhaps you are but I've seen this girl shake the baby when she gets angry that he is crying and she is frustrated. I've seen her pinch him. She also misused his stroller in such a ridiculous way that she severed his finger when he was 8 months old and he had to have his finger sewn back on and wear a cass for a week to make sure it healed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ferna3069 Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Perhaps you are but I've seen this girl shake the baby when she gets angry that he is crying and she is frustrated. I've seen her pinch him. She also misused his stroller in such a ridiculous way that she severed his finger when he was 8 months old and he had to have his finger sewn back on and wear a cass for a week to make sure it healed.if this is true this girl is nits , i think it would be best to get a lawyer and take this to court. some one who does not know how to treat a baby should not have one.you can be 15 and have a baby and treat the baby right and be a good mother thats fine, but if you are that bad with a baby its time to find the baby a new family Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
birdname Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Perhaps you are but I've seen this girl shake the baby when she gets angry that he is crying and she is frustrated. I've seen her pinch him. She also misused his stroller in such a ridiculous way that she severed his finger when he was 8 months old and he had to have his finger sewn back on and wear a cass for a week to make sure it healed. If you believe she is abusing the baby, call the police. If you think social services needs to take a look at her parenting, make sure they do! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Can you claim that the child was kidnapped by the mother? She ran away and you or the father cannot see the child? If the father didn't consent in writing to her taking the child, you have a case, or your brother does. You could also state that you are afraid she will skip out of the country being illegal. It might be touchy - you might have the ACLU fight for her rights as a mother being discriminated against as an illegal, but the father has every right to the child as well. If she has abused the child, then you have something to go on, but you have to prove it. You have that one finger situation, but some may think it was a freak accident unless there were other incidents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
birdname Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 I am basing this on Western Canada, about 15 years ago, so take this as you will... Someone once suspected my mother of abuse, they had no proof at all of this, all they did was call the ministry and make allegations. This prompted an investigation. Police showed up at the house, went through it to look for signs of abuse and neglect, my brother and I were taken to the station and interviewed about any possible unusual happenings. Eventually, and after much stress on the family, my mother was cleared, as she had not been abusing us. (We never did find out for sure who made that call, but we suspect it was an ex tenant that we had a dispute with over property damage) the point of me sharing this with you is that, you shouldn't need solid proof to prompt an investigation when a child's welfare is concerned. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aporia14 Posted September 8, 2011 Author Share Posted September 8, 2011 Can you claim that the child was kidnapped by the mother? She ran away and you or the father cannot see the child? If the father didn't consent in writing to her taking the child, you have a case, or your brother does. You could also state that you are afraid she will skip out of the country being illegal. It might be touchy - you might have the ACLU fight for her rights as a mother being discriminated against as an illegal, but the father has every right to the child as well. If she has abused the child, then you have something to go on, but you have to prove it. You have that one finger situation, but some may think it was a freak accident unless there were other incidents. This is the problem.....I can only prove the finger situation. I think she loves the baby but she only has the parenting skills that she was raised with and I fear all the things she could do to him. If it were that easy to call social services then I would. She isn't speaking to us or telling us where she is. I may have to hire a PI to track her down. In all of this, I just wonder what approach will work best? I am not convinced she is all bad but not knowing or being kept in the dark is really upseting me. I just want us to be a part of his life. I feel like taking her to court and stuff might make the possibility of having a relationship difficult down the road. I would honestly feel bad to yank him away from his mom completely and she may always have the legal right to still be a part of his life, which I would honor but it is obvious she is extremely immature and I fear to think about what all she will do down the road. It doesn't seem as though she is mature enough to forgive and forget. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aporia14 Posted September 8, 2011 Author Share Posted September 8, 2011 I am basing this on Western Canada, about 15 years ago, so take this as you will... Someone once suspected my mother of abuse, they had no proof at all of this, all they did was call the ministry and make allegations. This prompted an investigation. Police showed up at the house, went through it to look for signs of abuse and neglect, my brother and I were taken to the station and interviewed about any possible unusual happenings. Eventually, and after much stress on the family, my mother was cleared, as she had not been abusing us. (We never did find out for sure who made that call, but we suspect it was an ex tenant that we had a dispute with over property damage) the point of me sharing this with you is that, you shouldn't need solid proof to prompt an investigation when a child's welfare is concerned. Thank you. I appreciate it. I think that social service agencies look for dire circumstances. My nepthew is too young to speak for himself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 The other problem is that if your brother is no prize, she can say she was fleeing him. There are many women who find that is the only way to get away from a rotten, abusive or deadbeat man. I am not saying he is abusive, but she has the right not to be with him. By the way, a BIG trouble here is she can file charges of statutory rape against him. Courts are taking into account "romeo and juliet situations" more and more so that two teens in love that are reasonably close in age don't have a lifetime record if they both state that they were doing it consentually and family can back up that they were in a relationship even if they didn't approve of the sex. But you never know - that card could still be drawn even if it is dismissed. I think that it is hard for you, because this is really your brother's fight and he won't fight, unless you are not sharing everything. How long has she been gone? I would say if she was with you, at least you could teach her some parenting skills and mentor her, but you really can't say her whole family doesn't know how to raise a baby. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
avman Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Both my husband and I are much more capable of providing for the baby than she and my brother or her family. My husband has a good job, we have a nice home, and we are outstanding citizens. I was thinking of having my mom petition the court for at least visitation rights as the grandmother. I rather not deal with my brother. That's not good enough. Courts don't simply take a child away from their parents because someone else is "better". Parents have complete rights unless for some reason they are unfit. Which leads us to the next point: Perhaps you are but I've seen this girl shake the baby when she gets angry that he is crying and she is frustrated. I've seen her pinch him. She also misused his stroller in such a ridiculous way that she severed his finger when he was 8 months old and he had to have his finger sewn back on and wear a cass for a week to make sure it healed. In this case you'd have to contact child protective services. Unfortunately if you have no idea of her whereabouts then you are really stuck here. You could hire a P.I. to try to track her down. And then notify CPS. They may or may not decide to act depending on how serious the situation is. And if they did act and found her to be dangerous, well their first choice of placements is likely to be either your brother (if he's adjudicated the father) or HER family (if he isn't adjudicated). In many states it is possible for a third party to file for custody of a child. But you have the burden of proof to demonstrate that BOTH parents are unfit. Not poor, uneducated, unemployed, or losers. That's not good enough. They have to be unfit and completely unable to care for the child and provide for their basic needs. It is a very high burden of proof and you can expect a serious legal battle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aporia14 Posted September 8, 2011 Author Share Posted September 8, 2011 No, my brother isn't fighting for the baby. I think he just wants to be done with this girl. She wanted him to marry her for obvious personal and immigration reasons. She was living with me until my brother and mother moved here and she wanted to live with them. She has been gone for 3 weeks now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aporia14 Posted September 8, 2011 Author Share Posted September 8, 2011 I think the other reason why the GF took off with the baby was because he was very attached to me and my husband. I saw it in her eyes how much she hated that he loved being with us. He consistently cried to be with us. I thought she would have been happy that we took such good care of her and her son but, she started to imply feelings that we wanted to take the baby away from her. I think this is why she does not want us to see him anymore....it is horrible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 I think the other reason why the GF took off with the baby was because he was very attached to me and my husband. I saw it in her eyes how much she hated that he loved being with us. He consistently cried to be with us. I thought she would have been happy that we took such good care of her and her son but, she started to imply feelings that we wanted to take the baby away from her. I think this is why she does not want us to see him anymore....it is horrible. tbh, that's kind of the way you have come accross in this thread. I can very easily see why she felt that way, if she did. You have to remember she is a young mother and seeing someone else be better at parenting than she is, she is acting in the only way she knows how - as a teenager and running away. It doesn't mean she's right for doing it or mature for doing it, but put yourself in her shoes. Some of the things she has done is a tad off, yes. Was she like this before the birth, violence wise? It very well could be she was have PPD and even though you weren't giving off that feelings of wanting to take the baby away from her, that could have helped her. I went to a school with a girl who had severe PPD and her mother was helping her raise her child and the girl just went crazy because she thought her mom was trying to be a mother to her child. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.thumb.jpg.619cbf9ada685acba712967edfb3e7aa.jpg)
.thumb.jpg.65c4c15f72ce59b381ef6ad97046db0f.jpg)
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.