Is it verbal/control abuse or I'm i too sensitive??need advice

[yoshi33]

I really need your opinion. Im 37, have just left my husband for 3 months now, we have two wonderful kids together. We've been together for 12 years. At first i over looked many things, didn't see them because i was in a cloud of love. Sometimes when we would go out to a bar together he would all of a sudden turn miserable and send me home, later to find out he thought i was looking at another guy or too many guys were looking at me. (All were unfounded). He became more jealous did not like me to go to the gym to workout, screamed at me for 4 hours straight, but blamed it on the cost of the gym (i was paying for it). So i quit the gym, did not like my kind of music, threw it out the window of the car.

 

When we met i was a bartender, working my way threw nursing school. He did not like that enviornment for me and i agreed, but it paid all the bills, his too, and paid for school. I bought him a car and paid for everything when we went out (he was not working at the time); even paid on his debt. He constantly accused me of cheating, sometimes jokely but many serious. Went on a rampage one night smashed everything in his path, except for the tv he broke his foot on kicking on it. All because i said another man was nice.

 

Once i got my nursing degree and began working i got pregnant, after my maternity was over i needed to work, but we agreed that babysitters were not going to raise our children so i should give up my nursing and go back to the bar so he would work full time days and i nights only 3 nights a week,

 

Our relationship went down the drain, i read every relationship book, tried to get him to go away with me for the weekend to reconnect and he would just belittle me saying im a terrible mother, ditching my child, so we went no where, we have no friends, i never spend a minute away from my daugher except for work. I was not allowed to go shopping, grocery shopping, our for lunch, even had to bring my daugher to an job interview. I was to have no phone calls at night or on his weekends from anyone, that is his time. I could not watch tv, garden, or take kids to park, without hearing about it for hours after, so i stop it all hoping it would make him happy, he wasn't. I made sure the house was spotless, dinner ready, all laundry done put away, kids bathed all before he came home. he once threw out my dinner because i did not make a salad with it, or he would throw it out cause its not like his mothers and would call his mother for the receipe and tell me to do it her way (I've worked in restaurants for a long time, i can cook very well). He kicked me out of the house with my 8month old, an hour before i started work, because i had to work a long weekend, and we have no family around. I made twice as much as he did, but he dictated how it was to be spent, all the money i did save he made me take it out.

 

He began to spend every second in his garage, gave me the silent treatment for two weeks straight once, because i asked him if i could go bymyelf to the mall to pick up something (I haven't left the house with out kids in 4 months) just wanted some quiet time, well he gave it too me! So i did not go. He would just leave for 2 hours, i nver asked where he went sometimes i wouldn't even know he ws gone till i see him come home. He called me a once for taking my kids to the zoo, infront of my 4 yr old daughter, she started crying im trying to comfort her and hes 2 feet behind me screaming on top of his lungs how terrible i am and nasty names, she thought it was all her fault, because i did not tell him the night before. We've havent hugged in 6 years or cuddled on the couch, i would try and he would push me away, he would threaten to dump me constantly and insult my love for our kids, and blamed all of this on me being a bartender. So i Found a great day job, great pay, at the university, told him i was going to take it stop working at the bar, be home every night, he told me he would quit his (now great job) before our children ever spent one minute in daycare. I was a lazy mother, and only lazy mothers put them there because they dont' want to raise them. So i gave that opportunity up.

 

I begged him too stop this behaviour, he would say he was glad he treated me this way so i would understand how angry i make him. so i finally left, i'm so afraid of him been 3 months now and he wants me back he won't get help for his anger issues, but is texting me everyday, saying i gave up on us and our kids. Should i go back, he's been nice for 2 weeks now.

[stoker]

He sounds very controlling and 2 weeks isn't long enough to prove he's changed. I'd give it more time. At least another 10 years.

[turnera]

No, do not EVER go back. He will not change. He is a Controller and you can't just turn that off. MAYBE if he got at least 3 or 4 YEARS of weekly therapy, he MIGHT finally have an epiphany and see what he has done to you. But it will never happen if you go back. Get this book; it will turn your life around - it's the Bible for knowing men like your husband: Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men.

 

Oh, and btw, most studies nowadays are saying that kids who DON'T go to daycare are severely disadvantaged in life. I had my DD21 at a home with a SAHM, and then I had her in daycare - daycare was definitely an improvement. AND it put her ahead scholastically and personality-wise.

[turnera]

Did you leave the kids with him? How old are they?

[infectedpsy]

Sounds like a possible sociopath, if so run!

[Oneironaut]

yoshi, please read this:

 

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And this:

 

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You are being emotionally abused. It rarely ever gets better, and usually only gets worse.

 

Please get away from this man, or your children will be scarred for life, because they will think this is the way a "normal" marriage works. So if you can't do it for yourself, please consider doing it for them.

[Mauxly]

I agree with everyone else, this is text book and severe emotional abuse. Please seek help, you'll need it to stay away from him.

 

The problem with these relationships is that they are vicious cycles. He has destroyed your self esteem, making it more likely that you'll take him back based on an his acting job (nice for two weeks). If you take him back he will crush you harder than ever. When you leave you'll be so torn down that it will be even harder to stay away. After a few of these traumatic cycles you'll give up and resign yourself with staying with a soul crushing abuser.

 

Please get help before it's too late.

[yoshi33]

The kids are with me 5 days a week and his house on weekends currently, they are 4 and 6. They adore there dad, and i have hard time when they ask if we can all live together, i dont know what to tell them, i know if i tell them the truth it will hurt them, so now i just say were still a family just mommy has a different house.

[turnera]

Tell them that they will continue to have two houses. Kids accept what adults tell them. It's better for you to tell them the truth than to let HIM tell them lies about what's going on, to hurt you or make you look bad, which he WILL do if you don't go back to him.

[turnera]

Are you seeing a counselor yet?

[kath]

You did not give up on the family and the kids, he did. There's no doubt that he's very abusive and controlling in almost every imaginable way. He's actually very typical in his behavior and his words. The problem is not you, it's him.

 

Do not make the mistake of taking him back until he:

1) admits to having a serious problem and agrees that you had nothing to do with it (often they try to say that it's a communication issue and you have to work on "your problems" too);

2) gets help directed to it (a class or a program designed for abusive people, NOT just some general therapy or psychological help);

3) sticks to the program long term and is willing to work on it later on too.

 

The likelihood that someone like that really changes is low. Don't fall for his promises. Many of us (me included) have fallen for them and they've reverted back to their old ways in no time. My ex changed his behavior slightly after I allowed him back, so he could say he "has changed" - but in reality, he just used slightly different tactics. He dropped the outright physical violence and used guilt-tripping, verbal abuse, put-downs and isolation and controlling more and tried to hide it better, by saying that I have issues with trust when i didn't comply to his bossing around.

[turnera]

The book Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men is the bible for dealing with men like him. Educate yourself so you know what you're doing.

[yoshi33]

No have not seen a counselor yet and thankyou for your response, i've said nothing to them so far. but i know if i tell the kids the truth he is going to loose it.

[turnera]

You can't spend the rest of your life gaging your decisions based on his actions. You have to start facing the anger some day.

[turnera]

That said, at their age, it's not imperative yet to tell them. Just look for the right time.

[yoshi33]

Just want to say thank you , this book has helped so much..

[turnera]

Glad to hear it. Are you doing ok as a single mother?