DanDee Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 .... so in the meantime why don't you let her go and be stern about it? If it's meant to be, it will happen in several years time when she's mature and has her act together. P.S You really do remind me of Ryan Seacrest. Link to comment
22n32 Posted September 9, 2011 Author Share Posted September 9, 2011 .... so in the meantime why don't you let her go and be stern about it? If it's meant to be, it will happen in several years time when she's mature and has her act together. P.S You really do remind me of Ryan Seacrest. Haha. Thanks . I'm more josh dumahel though.. That's the plan let her go, love her from far away. And hope everything works out for her.. I really do love her.. I'll be fine, move on to something else it might not be so real and full of love.. or maybe be better.. But she will always have a place in my heart. And one day she can complete the puzzle if its meant to be.. Link to comment
freedomaddict Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 Love is really insanely simple. People, in general, like to make things way more complicated then they really to justify their own actions or the actions of someone they care about. So, she has issues going on in her life. Who doesn't? Either she wants to be in a relationship with you and work for it or she doesn't. BRAVO. People give themselves heartaches and headaches. Totally unnecessary. Link to comment
22n32 Posted September 9, 2011 Author Share Posted September 9, 2011 BRAVO. People give themselves heartaches and headaches. Totally unnecessary. Isn't it!! What we do for the name of love Link to comment
In the Dark Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 Isn't it!! What we do for the name of love Yes I agree with this. Often, this is what makes things go all screwy. We know what is right and what is wrong hut when you love someone and want to be with them, we often ignore the red flags etc etc....and there is no logic to why we want to be with them otherwise. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 BRAVO. People give themselves heartaches and headaches. Totally unnecessary. Thanks! I figured it out after my last break-up. We where long distance, both about to graduate from college, not sure where we wanted to be, both had a ton of family issues going on at the time,. From my POV we should have been each others rocks, help each other get through everything. He didn't want to put in the effort though. He dumped me. It took months but I finally got to a place where I said, "Why do I want to be with someone who wouldn't fight for us?" The healing process got much easier after that. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 I understand, but its a little more complicated then that.. I know she loves me, but she also has issues with her and her life, that I can't help with. She need..s to work thru em herself like we all do in life at one point or another... Believe me, your situation is not unique. Human behavior does not work that way. I found that people who believe that their relationship is unique-myself included-do so so that they can hold on to a non-existent relationship. It is what it is. I think we focus so much on her and "commitmentphobia" we often forget about the other person. It is my personal belief that if she was available, you wouldn't have been as interested. You have plenty of lovely girls approaching and you want the one you can't have. Really, that isn't actually love on your part in the unconditional sense. She's not the one we need to be analyzing ... Link to comment
22n32 Posted September 9, 2011 Author Share Posted September 9, 2011 I think we focus so much on her and "commitmentphobia" we often forget about the other person. It is my personal belief that if she was available, you wouldn't have been as interested. You have plenty of lovely girls approaching and you want the one you can't have. Really, that isn't actually love on your part in the unconditional sense. She's not the one we need to be analyzing ... Again your generlizing, u can't paint every painting with the same brush!!! I want her and what we shared and how we were for the 500 days we were together not the 15days we have been broken. and Not because I can't have her.. I know what our Rel was and how to have a healthy Rel.. there are issues like commitment phope, and people like that are reckless.. Those are outside forces, that have been with her, so she needs to deal with it on her own.. Just don't agree with ur statement, because your taking it to a place were it actually doesn't belong.. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 I'm not wondering about how you felt about her after the 500 days together. I'm wondering about the initial attraction and the beginning. I got the sense from your ealier threads that it was a lot of attraction and emotional distance in the beginning. I may recall incorrectly. Link to comment
22n32 Posted September 9, 2011 Author Share Posted September 9, 2011 Yes attraction pulled us together like most, but from the first date we connected like we knew eachother and very comfy, but exciting.. She wasn't to wear her heart on the sleve, but she opened up weeks into it, and getting deeper and more comfrtable in her own right with that.. that was never an issue.. I used to sleep with my arms rapt around her, was uncomfy for her.. sorry of topic.. But that's why she was special, because some only have the attraction.. love and emotions are not there.. with us both grew with time.. And that freaked her out.. I'm saying these things its what she told me and expressed and what I felt. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 I agree that he is not the one that needs to be analyzed because the person who enters a relationship with a commitment phobic individual and is in that relationship for a time is totally unaware of what is going on for quite some time. Commitment phobes do not wear a sign around their necks. It takes some time to realize that something is amiss, and even more time to identify what it is and why it is. The partner of a commitment phobe is caught completely off guard. These relationships always come to an end by the pure nature of the commitment phobic nature. I feel a great deal of compassion for the OP as I am sure he was heartbroken when the relationship ended. I know I was.....chi Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 Have you had relationships that have ended like this in the past? Oh, I am still all for analyzing both and not one. C-phobes may not wear it on their sleeves, but if a pattern of freaking and leaving and returning develops and one can't break away, then it's worth exploring what's going on inside. Link to comment
22n32 Posted September 9, 2011 Author Share Posted September 9, 2011 who cant break away?? Im fine.. i have no urges to call her.. i miss her at times.. but ive done what I needed to do since we broke up, ive kept my distance, havent called her once and analazyed the situation from outside of the rel.. its now im discovering she is a c-phope, it fits everything she ever told me.. there hast been leaving and returning.. i meet her in oct 09, we broke up for 4 weeks jan 11. it was a very solid loving full of growth no bs rel all in between.. the deeper we became more she got scared.. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 who cant break away?? Im fine.. i have no urges to call her.. i miss her at times.. but ive done what I needed to do since we broke up, ive kept my distance, havent called her once and analazyed the situation from outside of the rel.. its now im discovering she is a c-phope, it fits everything she ever told me.. there hast been leaving and returning.. i meet her in oct 09, we broke up for 4 weeks jan 11. it was a very solid loving full of growth no bs rel all in between.. the deeper we became more she got scared.. No, I wasn't referring to you in the second para. I was saying if that was the case, then it's worth exploring. Link to comment
22n32 Posted September 9, 2011 Author Share Posted September 9, 2011 No, I wasn't referring to you in the second para. I was saying if that was the case, then it's worth exploring. yeah def.. i have no desire to chase her.. she needs to grow and show me she has actualy changed, Link to comment
chitown9 Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 she needs to grow and show me she has actualy changed, Don't hold your breath for this.... Link to comment
Hollyj Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 I agree that he is not the one that needs to be analyzed because the person who enters a relationship with a commitment phobic individual and is in that relationship for a time is totally unaware of what is going on for quite some time. Commitment phobes do not wear a sign around their necks. It takes some time to realize that something is amiss, and even more time to identify what it is and why it is. The partner of a commitment phobe is caught completely off guard. These relationships always come to an end by the pure nature of the commitment phobic nature. I feel a great deal of compassion for the OP as I am sure he was heartbroken when the relationship ended. I know I was.....chi Totally disagree. We are not unaware but, we choose to ignore and excuse all the red flags along the way. I know I did. Also, if one has a pattern of being involved with these types-not saying this about the OP-then they are also commitment phobes. Link to comment
22n32 Posted September 9, 2011 Author Share Posted September 9, 2011 Totally disagree. We are not unaware but, we choose to ignore and excuse all the red flags along the way. I know I did. Also, if one has a pattern of being involved with these types-not saying this about the OP-then they are also commitment phobes. Totally disagree with ur statement, the other person doesn't know that there dating a c-phope till its already to late.. When u start dating u don't advertise that ur a c-phope.. majority of the like chitown said the other person is caught of guard.. and already deep in the Rel.. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 That's because they choose not see the signs. You knew after the first break up she had issues with trust. You have stated repeatedly that she has demonstrated in the inability to let someone close. If you do not become clear to some of the indicators of a person who is emotionally unavailable , you will end up there again. There's not a lot of mystery to these people. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 I also realized that when I took 50% of the responsibility for staying in this type of relationship, I was able to move on to a better place. Link to comment
22n32 Posted September 9, 2011 Author Share Posted September 9, 2011 Hindsight is 20-20.. easy to look back and say should of done this or that.. I could of wrote of her not wanting to get close as a person who isn't do emotional or just doesn't wear her heart on her sleve.. Most people who date c-phopes are caught of guard and left wondering.. because they are really good at hiding this from us, till they need to use it and they drop the bomb outa the blue.. Link to comment
22n32 Posted September 9, 2011 Author Share Posted September 9, 2011 I also realized that when I took 50% of the responsibility for staying in this type of relationship, I was able to move on to a better place. I see what ur saying.. I don't blame myself for staying with her. I stayed with her because I loved her.. I can take responsibility for that. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 Please look into the elements of emotionally unavailable people, and see how many of the characteristics relate to her. It's good to recognize the signs of these types, so that you do not get involved again. I'm not trying to beat up on you, I understand where you are, as I was there once myself. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 I see what ur saying.. I don't blame myself for staying with her. I stayed with her because I loved her.. I can take responsibility for that. The important thing is, you have to love yourself more. Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 People just love to throw around terms like "commitment phobe". Seems almost as common as "BPD". Convenient labels to attach when trying to make sense of things during the aftermath wreckage. The thing is - it's not even a recognized psychological term (at least not as far as the DSM-IV is concerned). It was coined from the books "Men Who Can't Love" and "He's Scared, She's Scared". Very interesting books, and worth reading, but it should be noted that the vast majority of people they're talking about and referencing are somewhat older (at least 30's plus). Long-term patterns of established avoidance. She's 23. You met her at 21. Think about that. There's absolutely nothing unusual or dysfunctional about someone in their early 20's not wanting to be tied down to a relationship commitment. Maybe she's not crazy - maybe she's just being 23, and not ready for the same level that you want (as you're what, 31?). In fact, that would almost appear to be a more obvious explanation than mental deficiency of some sort. Maybe you'd be better served to just accept things at face value than to assign her your amateur diagnosis and wait for her to fix it. That'll only end up making you go insane. Link to comment
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