Ex keeps calling me.. Im sick of it...

[askltk]

So....

 

Take note, a lot of home truths that - but all great stuff none the less.

[RubyWoo]

Lavenderlove - That was such a good clear explanation!

 

22n32 - I understand EXACTLY how you feel because I feel the same way. I think "we love each other, he just has issues he has to work on" But now I'm starting to think, if you love someone you stick with them. If you have issues you ask them for help. If you see a future with them you don't move out.

 

It is a hard realization... Once my ex said "oh it's so hard to pack and leave this apartment". I got really angry and just texted "If you didn't want to leave, you wouldn't be leaving". It is simple like that. It hurts like a m*f*er but no one does something they don't want to do.

 

My ex, like yours wants to keep checking on me and have me in his life. Just not enough to come back home and get his act together.

[Hollyj]

Please see that your situation is not unique or special, as many of us have been in the exact same place.

 

I think it is easier to categorize it as "unique," then one does not have to face the truth. Do yourself a huge favor, pull your head out of the sand, and see things for what they are.

[O-shen]

Another quality post from lavender...........kudos.

 

Mate, i know where you are coming from. Very simmilar situation. Been there, done that, to be honest, i have been doing it again lately. My ex has been contacting me, but with nothing specific. It brought back memories of her and us, and the " deep felt love" we too felt. I feel simmilar to you that we too shared something special.

But latel i have been trying to wake up. I initialy mentioned to her that i would be interested in reconciling, as i thought what we had was worth it. I said i knew we had issues to work on, and i was more than willing to do my part. She hummed and harrrred and said she doesnt know.

I tried to leave it at that ( like i know i should ), but then she would contact me out of the blue for a chat, and it would set me back, thinking of her again. I knew this wasnt good. She rang again the other day when she was in pain and scared and actually said " i just want you to tell me everything will be okay " which of course...buh bow...i did. Yet she is not ready to consider being in a relationship with me?

When we talked last, its been a few weeks since i mentioned reconciliation, i asked her what she was thinking. she said she doesnt know. A hint, an idea, anything? nothing. After that night i decided..what the hell am i doing????

 

She knows i am interested in giving it another shot, i have made it clear. Hell, she could have someone else lined up, other idea's, who knows. Whatever she is thinking, she's not sharing it with me. But what i do know, that if she wanted to be with me, she would be. END OF STORY. Basically, as much as i love her, i realise i have to let go. And by let go i mean dont contact her, dont answer her calls, try not to even think of her. If she wants comforting, she needs to understand she cant have that without the other. It makes her feel better, and me feel worse.

 

I know its hard man, because i am finding it extremely hard. But reading these last few pages ( especially lavenders post ) re-enforces how the situation is. Yes, its all complicated, yes there's feelings, yes you want to do the right thing.

But in the end, it comes down to you. Actions speak louder than words, on both parts.

 

Me...well its hard. She is away and getting back in a few days. Yeah she might call, and i will (try god damn it) ignore it, and i know i will be left wondering...did she call to sort things out? has she got something important to say? does she need me?

The answer? no. why? because she knows where i'm at, if she wants me, she knows where i live.

In the meantime, everyday i dont hear from her is a little stronger i get, and closer to moving on without her.

 

Good luck to you buddy, its a tough world we live in, especially when we unknowingly make it tougher for ourselves.

[Hollyj]

"its a tough world we live in, especially when we unknowingly make it tougher for ourselves."

 

Wise words!

[chitown9]

Knowing that she is commitment phobic tells it all. She is just acting in the typical way commitment phobes behave. OP, I've been there, done that...best to move on..

[MakeItCount]

Dude, we've beaten this to death. You keep coming back with the same threads, getting the same advice, and ignoring it like always.

 

Okay, so she's confused. Good for her. You haven't yet let her figure this out on her own. She can come back anytime she wants. YES, she has you by the balls. Big time. I don't think we can even consider your balls a part of you anymore. They're her property.

 

Yeah, she's hot. Yeah, you have a great connection. Simple truth is, she's not committing to you. What else do you need to know? You seriously need to cut her loose, for good. I know you'll keep coming back here and never end this cycle. 6 years down the road she'll keep doing it. And you'll keep asking the same questions.

 

Seriously dude. From reading your threads these past few months i know that you can get any girl you want. So why settle for this one? Why put yourself through this crap over and over and over again?

[Spawn]

being too nice is only going to harm you.

 

Get out of it and focus on your life.

 

Anyways i last heard girl population is increasing not by days but by seconds....get in the line man.

 

I bet you have hell loads of free time you are not utilizing for productive work....

[22n32]

lavenderdove.. ive read many of ur post and they are very insightfull..

 

sounds like u have hit the nail right on this one.. u narrowed it down to being a commintment phope.. which im really starting to relize..

 

one thing i will disagree, and im sure u think i say this because i want it to be that way.. but its the fact we both do love eachother, maybe im loving a little more uncondintaly..

 

but i know she has a special kind of love with me.. she is a very closed person, and not very affactionate. but when were around eachother she is the one pulling closer and i know i stand out from all the guys she has dated.. and she sees and feels what i do..

 

having said that.. it doesnt matter.. her commitment issues are over taking any obligation she might need to make to contuine our rel..

 

like u said she is very selfish when it comes to that.. she hates feeling of being trapped and rel will do that to her.. so she acts out..

 

i know she wont fully relize and apprciate what we really had.. till its to late.. might be yrs down the road or many failed attempts at new rel..

 

bottom line that just doesnt fit into my schedule and life.. i know what i have to do, been doing it since the day we broke up 2 weeks ago..

 

just sad to see, we really were good on all levels. but her inner demon, which i know she caught from her parents rocky messy rel and divorce, she doesnt wanna see herself tied down to one man.. thinking it will end like her mother..

 

thanks again.. great insights..

[22n32]

i understand what ur saying.. i was here for a month in jan/feb and we were back till 2 weeks ago.. and it was better then before we fell in love more had a better quality rel.. even though i was a little more gaurded and prepared then before..

 

and this rel we had second time around, scared her even more with thinking she is settling down.. she keeps saying im perfect in every way for her.. but she doesnt wanna settle into her words an adult rel.. clearly this is very selfish and she is clearly confused.. she is scared of being divorced one day like her mom and she would miss all her 20s..

 

she is scared so she runs, its easier to do then stand by someone even though she loves me.. besides the facts she is scared to commit, everything points to her loving me and wanting me.. shes had many chances to be with other guys she hasnt because she says nobody compares to u.. and thats why she even know says, i dont wanna date, i know people always say that, she wants to be single and discover herself more..

 

i think she lost her self in us.. and is scared. i might cheat or leave her one day, so she has her foot out the door before it can happen.. this is not a healthy way to live..

 

she just doesnt fit into my life anymore, ive let her go the day we broke up, she keeps chasing me.. and besides this problem our rel was very strong on all levels.. and thats what makes it hard for me..

 

i wish we werent so compatible on, personality, humor, chemistry.. then it would be much easier to chalk it up as her not being a good fit for me.. but it wasnt.. its her being able to commit and not being scared.. and that gives me a crappy feeling..

[22n32]

o-shen..

 

thanks for sharing, its a tough journey.. i wish u all the best. and everything will work out...

[22n32]

Knowing that she is commitment phobic tells it all. She is just acting in the typical way commitment phobes behave. OP, I've been there, done that...best to move on..

 

ive never been with a commitment phope.. just makes it harder that we were alike on all fronts.. except this..

[chitown9]

](*,)

ive never been with a commitment phope.. just makes it harder that we were alike on all fronts.. except this..

 

I totally get you, but that particular problem is a huge problem, and more than likely will continue to be a problem for her the rest of her life......

[In the Dark]

ive never been with a commitment phope.. just makes it harder that we were alike on all fronts.. except this..

 

I often wonder if she is a commitment phobe because of GIGS.

 

Waiting to see if she can get even better than you while she's still got it.

But until then you are number one on her list so she is keeping you at arms length so to speak.

[22n32]

I often wonder if she is a commitment phobe because of GIGS.

 

Waiting to see if she can get even better than you while she's still got it.

But until then you are number one on her list so she is keeping you at arms length so to speak.

 

It seems as she is more commitment phope then Gigs.. at least all sign and actions.. she Totaly freaks out when she feels she needs to commit..

 

She could of had many guys, but never takes it up.. I'm sure there's a little gigs in there just plain curiosity.. which we all have, but never act on it..

 

If she does have gigs and looking for better, she is gonna be sadly disapointed.. she's got big act to follow and guy will have to be pretty great.. if she is basing off of looks, chemistry, connection, drive, plans, future, way I treated her and loved her unconditanly.. and no games and sincerity..

 

Not to sounds cocky just true.. had many exes come back after yrs saying there's no match.. but I always moved forward and didn't want them back. I hope I feel the same way about her too when she comes crawling back in yrs..

 

Wish her all the luck. It's Totaly outa my hand. Just hope she leaves Me alone

[In the Dark]

I find it hard to understand the reason for her commitment phobia otherwise.

 

I mean you really seem like a great guy who got his crap together being independent.

 

I really can't figure out what else would not make her want to commit.

 

But yes even though this situation is not pleasant for you, indeed it is totally out of your hands besides totally cutting her off which I understand you would find incredibly hard to do as you do really want her but she is not wanting to be in the same place as you......for now.

[Hollyj]

Only children should be loved unconditionally, not partners!

[Hollyj]

I find it hard to understand the reason for her commitment phobia otherwise.

 

I mean you really seem like a great guy who got his crap together being independent.

 

I really can't figure out what else would not make her want to commit.

 

But yes even though this situation is not pleasant for you, indeed it is totally out of your hands besides totally cutting her off which I understand you would find incredibly hard to do as you do really want her but she is not wanting to be in the same place as you......for now.

 

If someone has intimacy issues, it doesn't matter how great the other person is, they cannot let them in to to fear and trust issues. My ex was the same way!

These people are a waste of time and will break your heart! No one has ever made me feel this way, it really does a number on your self-esteem. Only emotionally available people from now on!

[22n32]

I find it hard to understand the reason for her commitment phobia otherwise.

 

I mean you really seem like a great guy who got his crap together being independent.

 

I really can't figure out what else would not make her want to commit.

 

But yes even though this situation is not pleasant for you, indeed it is totally out of your hands besides totally cutting her off which I understand you would find incredibly hard to do as you do really want her but she is not wanting to be in the same place as you......for now.

 

She feels trapped when she is in a Rel, its hard for me to understand too.. but some of the convos we had she has expressed,

 

She's affraid to give herself to one person.. they might leave her one day or cheat on her.. so she leaves before it happens to her.. this way she feels she is in control of the situation..

 

This all goes back to her parents.. her dad told her mom he loved her all along cheating on her mom.. she is kinda broken.. but I always saw were all broken one way or another we just need to get thru em..

 

Lavandordove, explained it very well on the commitment phope.

 

It's sad this is what took us down, its a pity thing to lose something so nice over this but it really makes sense..

 

Other guys don't matter to her, but when she came back it was even better and that scared her even more. So she ran..

 

She has hard time bbeliving and trusting men when it comes to Rel, love because of her dad, she's been let down so much.. so she strikes before it happens to her..

[sadchick83]

Its good to get it all out, and you seem to be moving in the right direction, but, as I think I posted on one of your threads a long time ago, the girl is 22 (or maybe 23 at this point).

I recall being 22 a long time ago and there is no way in hell I would commit to a guy. Yes there were a few 1 year relationships back then, but the girl just wants to spread her wings and experience life. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I would be a bit creeped out going out with a guy 10 years older then me at 22....apologies again, but it is just my opinion. 22 year old ladies are trying on the latest jeans, while people in their 30's are saving up for houses. Its just way too big a gap at that age.

 

And, for you to waste your 32'nd year on this girl is a shame. This is the best time of your life. Im sure you have other interests, but you shouldn't be hung up on this girl. Instead of hoping she leaves you alone, why not block all her calls and go NC for real.

[In the Dark]

If someone has intimacy issues, it doesn't matter how great the other person is, they cannot let them in to to fear and trust issues. My ex was the same way!

These people are a waste of time and will break your heart! No one has ever made me feel this way, it really does a number on your self-esteem. Only emotionally available people from now on!

 

Yeah been there

 

I guess this is why I linger around 22m32s threads when I am on here.

It hits home for me and we both have the same perspective with our limited comprehension of it.

 

But how to tell the emotionally available people?

 

Still takes time and a bit of heartbreak if we ever do come accross another potential partner.

 

She feels trapped when she is in a Rel, its hard for me to understand too.. but some of the convos we had she has expressed,

 

She's affraid to give herself to one person.. they might leave her one day or cheat on her.. so she leaves before it happens to her.. this way she feels she is in control of the situation..

 

This all goes back to her parents.. her dad told her mom he loved her all along cheating on her mom.. she is kinda broken.. but I always saw were all broken one way or another we just need to get thru em..

 

Lavandordove, explained it very well on the commitment phope.

 

It's sad this is what took us down, its a pity thing to lose something so nice over this but it really makes sense..

 

Other guys don't matter to her, but when she came back it was even better and that scared her even more. So she ran..

 

She has hard time bbeliving and trusting men when it comes to Rel, love because of her dad, she's been let down so much.. so she strikes before it happens to her..

 

Hm....

 

This reminds me of my last ex I truly loved.

Her Father had an affair with her Mother.

I wonder if this was took to heart more than she had lead on.

[22n32]

She is 23 and I'm 30.. 7yrs gap.. I look like I'm 26.. plus like a model. Haha

 

Back to the point. I'm sorry u fell 7-10yrs is to much. But I have handfull of 19-25yr coming up to me every week wanting to hang out or whatever u call it..

 

Most 22-25yr don't wanna date 22-25yr old guys there very immature.. most girls always date 3-7yrs older it matches up to there level..

 

Few yr older guys have more life experience and more too offer and I'm not talking about money.. younger girls like the gap.. because the feel there dating a man not a boy..

 

All the 30yr old ladies are dating 33-38.. I don't know one person dates there age..

 

Might be diff in Canada, most girls always date a little older here.. I agree 10yrs is max to work.. so I liked our 7..

 

Every person we ever meet. Include all her family said we looked Luke we were the same age..

 

Age has never been a problem for me I always date 3-8yr gap.. last time I dated someone my age was college I was 19.. then I started dating a 28yr.. I had to learn what women want

[Hollyj]

You can look up what defines an emotionally unavailable person. One clear sign, is they try to fast forward the relationship in the beginning. They also do a great deal of future faking but, when you reciprocate their feelings, they begin to back off. Then the whole push/pull thing begins. These people are crazy makers!!!!

 

Look at link removed. It is dedicated to commitment phobes and the people involved with them. If you have a pattern of attracting these types, it is because you are also a CP. These people are safe!

[22n32]

ITD

 

Ur ex might of experienced the same thing..

 

I know my ex has been let down all her life by her father person she values the most and trust the most..even to this day her father will say one thing and do another..

 

Plus the betryal of her mom, he cheated on her for many yrs with diff girls.. I think this really shocked her to her core and she has issues she needs to resolve. And maybe she will in her late 20s or early 30s..

[Hollyj]

ITD

 

Ur ex might of experienced the same thing..

 

I know my ex has been let down all her life by her father person she values the most and trust the most..even to this day her father will say one thing and do another..

 

Plus the betryal of her mom, he cheated on her for many yrs with diff girls.. I think this really shocked her to her core and she has issues she needs to resolve. And maybe she will in her late 20s or early 30s..

 

She has a choice: if she really wants to deal with her issues then she will get help. If she doesn't then she will remain as she is.

 

She will not be healthy for some time-if she chooses to get counseling-but, you can move on from this and find someone who is emotionally healthy.

 

Don't to over analyze or obsess, there is nothing you can do.