Ex keeps calling me.. Im sick of it...

[22n32]

It isn't the same lady who brought you here is it?

 

Yeap same girl... She won't let go. U know the story. It was reversed before.. I love her, she loves me she won't let go.. but freaks out to any commitment..

 

She's had plenty of chances to leavve me for diff guys but hasn't..

 

I've been moving forward ever since last Feb, but when she came back for 6 months it was even deeper and real. Which scared her even more..

 

She will always be the top love of my life and she might even feel like that about me.. but it might be yrs or never which I have planned for.

 

When our story trully plays out... It's been 2.5 weeks I've talked to her 3 times.. I have no plans of ever calling her...

[Tryptophan]

She's doing this to wean herself off you. To slowly get you out of her life and get used to you not being in it 100%.

 

I read this study about contact being the best thing for dumpers in terms of adaptation, whereas no contact is best in terms of healing for dumpees.

 

Something to think about out.

[stoker]

as long as she knows I know when she might even try to play me and its all or nothing..

 

She's playing you right now. She knows it. Heck everyone knows it except for you.

[In the Dark]

Damn, if only a few years down the track, you would consider right?

When she is hopefully, completely over her phase which caused the initial break up along with some guy in that scene.

 

You have had a lot of time thinking about this and have been doing so.

 

I'm certain you have this feeling that if you go back to dating her officially the same thing will happen right?

 

I'm pretty sure you have the same idea as me on your situation with her.

When you're not so available and she knows you are not being exclusive to her, she is chasing you.

When you are available she stops chasing and starts the same behavior as before.

 

I can understand this situation can cause a bit of pain for you.

 

You can only leave it like this and carry on while you move on which I personally couldn't tolerate or just cut all contact.

I am sure you have this feeling you can not trust she will want you this much, if you were together officially.

[22n32]

She's doing this to wean herself off you. To slowly get you out of her life and get used to you not being in it 100%.

 

I read this study about contact being the best thing for dumpers in terms of adaptation, whereas no contact is best in terms of healing for dumpees.

 

Something to think about out.

 

I agree.. she's wanted to spend more time together.. as far as her needing me in her life.. she doesn't need me in her life.. she can have attention whoever whatever whenever.. the fact we loved eachother she keeps coming back..

 

Maybe she is weaning her love from me.? But when we meet and talk there's excitment and love and general care and respect for what we want... And the attraction, I think she's more attracted to me then I am her.. I'm a better fit for her then she is for me..

 

Either way its not working for me..

[stoker]

I'm a better fit for her then she is for me..

 

You don't really know what she wants. Don't confuse what you want to believe with reality.

[22n32]

I don't know what I would do.. Haha. I know what the right and easy way would be.. I love her like I've loved anyone before. And I've had handfull of loves.. it was more then attraction.. good on all levels, so alike, and that scares her..

 

What can u do.. keep moving forward and everything will work out..

[22n32]

You don't really know what she wants. Don't confuse what you want to believe with reality.

 

What ever u say.. I don't think u really for sure know what angle or area I was talking about..

 

But I see what ur saying..

[stoker]

What ever u say.. I don't think u really for sure know what angle or area I was talking about..

 

But I see what ur saying..

 

I wasn't being specific, it was a general statement that you don't know how well you meet another person's needs but you can get a pretty good idea of how many of your needs, another person does meet.

 

I think you just might be spinning it around on yourself here..

[Oneironaut]

I have to say with all respect that I disagree with the title.

 

If you were -truly- sick of it, you'd either block her number, or tell her outright to leave you alone.

[22n32]

I wasn't being specific, it was a general statement that you don't know how well you meet another person's needs but you can get a pretty good idea of how many of your needs, another person does meet.

 

I think you just might be spinning it around on yourself here..

 

There's no spinning..... I think ur generalizing when u don't know the details..

[22n32]

I have to say with all respect that I disagree with the title.

 

If you were -truly- sick of it, you'd either block her number, or tell her outright to leave you alone.

 

That's an extreme level, she's called 3 times..

[90_hour_sleep]

I have to say with all respect that I disagree with the title.

 

If you were -truly- sick of it, you'd either block her number, or tell her outright to leave you alone.

 

hey 22n32...

 

don't usually reply to this type of thread...but i really agree with the above. i've read enough of your posts to know your story. and i know oneironaut is speaking from a place of compassion. it's your choice right now to engage in this. 3 calls...4 calls...10 calls...1000 calls. it doesn't matter how many calls. it matters how it makes you feel when she does call. and as foggy as those details might be to the rest of us...it's pretty clear that it's not making you feel ''good''.

 

what are you getting out of having her in your life?

[22n32]

It annoys me more then anything.. she's been outa my life, the day we broke up..and I'm not trying to keep her in it.. I told her how its gonna be..

[Hollyj]

Yeah, but you're still sticking around.

 

I don't understand the creation of the thread? You said you're sick of the contact, yet you're a nice guy and want to be there for her. Which is it?

[22n32]

I'm there because I love her.. but there's only so much I will take.. and she knows what that is...

[90_hour_sleep]

I'm there because I love her.. but there's only so much I will take.. and she knows what that is...

 

she knows what it is...

 

do you?

[22n32]

she knows what it is...

 

do you?

 

I'm the one who set the limits.. so yeah. It's all or nothing. No bs in between.. I meet her once. Which needed to be done. I was happy loving from a distance..

[Capricorn3]

I am going to be very blunt here: You need to get self-respect and a backbone. Don't let yourself be treated this way.

oneironautI have to say with all respect that I disagree with the title.

 

If you were -truly- sick of it, you'd either block her number, or tell her outright to leave you alone.

^^ I totally agree with the above two posts. Not much more one can say.

[22n32]

^^ I totally agree with the above two posts. Not much more one can say.

 

That's nice... That was very helpfull.. standing up for myself is none of those.. brilliant..

[Capricorn3]

Sorry about that. I guess many of us here are really confused about what you are looking for, or asking. Like Hollyj said in her previous post: "I don't understand the creation of the thread? You said you're sick of the contact, yet you're a nice guy and want to be there for her. Which is it?" Guess I'm not the only one who's confused here.

[Hollyj]

You're not getting it. You're not standing up for yourself by being available.

 

What type of response did you expect from us?

[22n32]

I guess I was never looking for a specific answer..

 

I was sharing on what I was doing..

 

Being available doesn't mean I'm not standing up for myself.. there's a diff there.

[girlfromjersey]

Out of topic here but a message to 90_hour_sleep. Your profile pic made me smile oh yeah...and laugh. Thanks, I truly needed that

[lavenderdove]

Let's talk about the idea that she's a commitmentphobe for a minute...

 

It's clear that deep down you're thinking, 'our love is special, deep down she loves me but is afraid because she loves me so much.' But the reality is people move closer to things that bring them happiness and joy, and reject things they don't want or think will hamper them from getting things they do want.

 

So she is drawn to you now for what she REALLY wants, which is emotional support and friendship and the ability to come and go as she pleases. What most commitmentphobes are about is selfishness... they want that support and for you to be there for when they want BUT even more important to them is the ability to freely do whatever they please when they please and to be open to date other people whenever the mood strikes them.

 

So you may be feeling a sense of very special love that means you only want her and no one else, but she is not you, and what is motivating her is entirely different or she would also be in a relationship with you now rather than jerking you around.

 

It is not a question of you having balls or no balls, it is a question of you understanding that she just isn't interested in the same thing that you are, that she values her ability to be free and do whatever she pleases while at the same time having you in the background for emotional support and contact whenever she feels the need for it. But she's just not interested in signing up for a relationship for you because she values other things more than you, and being in a relationship with you hampers her from getting those other things she wants more, whether that is her other ex or whatever... she just doesn't have the depth of the feelings you have for her or she'd treat you differently than she is treating you now.

 

So you are casting this as you both have equal feelings for each other and it's just these other things she will tire of and then she'll come back to you. But the truth is, what she tired of was being in a full time relationship with you, and she valued other things and people more and left you for them. That's a hard pill to swallow but true. Even an amoeba gravitates towards what it sees as positive things like food and the right amount of light, and away from things it seems as unpleasant. She is doing the same. So she's really already evaluated being in a relationship with you and decided that is not what she wants because a relationship with you brings along with it other things she doesn't want, but she does want your emotional support now and again. Whereas you are still framing this as it is some deep special love... you may feel that way, she she obviously values other things more than you or she'd be with you.

 

So you need to recognize it is your own sense of self protection and a deep down awareness that she is taking from you what she wants without giving you what you need that is warning you that this isn't good for you. At one time she was a source of goodness and pleasure for you, but now she is just draining you and the source of disappointment, pain, depression etc.

 

You need to protect yourself and move away from that. Relationships only work when both people are interested in the same thing and have a similar level of attachment to each other. Regardless of any words she may give you, her actions show that her attachment to you is only for occasional support and not a deep love attachment that would demand that she invest in you and quit being interested in looking at/for other men rather than just cruise by now and again to pick up some warm fuzzies before heading off for fun adventures without you. She's using you like a security blanket or binky for when she gets tired, lonely, or stressed, but that doesn't mean anything more than it is.

 

btw, one other comment. People who use other people as security blankets know exactly what they are doing. They want only so much, and they want no demands on them in reverse. You say she is not with anyone else, but how do you really know what she is doing when she's not with you? She's not going to tell you anything she knows you won't like or that might mean you will potentially stop letting her use you as a blanket when she needs it. So she'll tread that line, letting little things slip now and again, but she will only give you glimpses into what she is really up to, until that point she feels she no longer needs you. It is very common for them to keep calling you up until that point they feel they have a replacement for you, either another good shoulder to cry on who is more convenient than you, or a new BF they are so excited about they feel they don't need you anymore. Anything less than that, they still hang around and don't clue you in fully because they know doing so might mean they will lose your support.