Can Ex's be friends without the intention of getting back together?

[itsmeiz]

after coming out of a long relationship and a terrible break-up, can me and my ex actually be friends? have any of you been successful with this?

 

Long story short,my ex-girlfriend has been keeping in contact with me for the past couple of months (we still haven't hung out in person, we keep in touch through text/facebook/etc). we broke up over a year ago now. i had a VERY hard time getting over her and did all i could to keep her in the beginning. but after some long text messages from her that pretty much told me to go off, i did just that. i left her alone. deleted her from everything. stopped texting her completely. pretended she didn't exist. she had a new bf at that point, but she's now single. i am also single but i have no intention of being with her again, although i still love her very much and i WISH we could be together but i KNOW it's not possible and i accept that completely. i'm not even trying to pursue her. thing is, she texts me quite often and if i don't text her she asks why. i sometimes don't text her because i'm afraid of seeming "needy" or anything like that. i want her to know my life doesn't revolve around her, although we are close, she's not on my mind constantly(that's what i want her to think at least). she refers to me as her "bff" (her texts always begin with "heyy bff!!") and is very nice to me, we get along great just like we did when we met. i see her as a good friend now, i genuinely enjoy her company and i've missed our friendship. she even told me she felt really bad about the way she treated me after our breakup and also apologized for everything that happened. i mean, is this good or bad? is it okay for me to pursue this friendship or not? Anyone out there in a similar situation?

[Tigerfan]

If you are completely ok with JUST being her friend and would have NO jealousy whatsoever if she found another bf, then sure be her friend. But if you still want her back as a gf, then being her friend is only hurting yourself. How long has it been since she broke it off with you and how long were you two together as a couple?

[22n32]

I agree if u can watch her and ur ok if she got a new bf then yeah..

 

Maybe she is staying close to u, because she loves u and one day she might want u back. Who knows. U would no better then any of us..

[itsmeiz]

thanks for the replies guys.

 

we were together over 2 years. close to 3. we broke up in oct of last year. by november we were not speaking at all. she told me to leave her alone and i did. by jan of this year she was initiating contact with me again, i would respond but never initiate.

 

we gradually started becoming more friendly with one another as time passed and now we are here. she tells me she misses me alot when we go a while without chatting. 2 weeks ago she said she was so glad we are still friends. i can admit that i feel a little bit of jealousy when she talks about other guys, but it doesn't break me down like it used to. i would love to be w/ her again but i know it just won't happen and i'm content with it. i also can sense the jealousy she feels when i talk about other women. i don't do it to make her jealous at all. i do it because as friends we should be able to talk about things like that. i must admit i sometimes have a little bit of fear that she may go back to her old ways if/when she gets another boyfriend. so i'm also prepared for that just in case.

[Tussin]

My ex ex and I are friends, err friendly... depending on various things... but that was only because we hang out at the same bar and see each other frequently. Neither one of us was willing to give up the bar we hang at. At first that was difficult. Then I eventually grew to see her as someone with issues that I was not sexually attracted to. Funny thing that occurred when I broke up with my most recent ex, is that she attempted to practically leap into my life as more than a friend. I saw that coming a mile away and I was repulsed. Had to stay away from her for a few weeks and be a little stern when we did speak. She has since backed off and now we are friendly again.

[hrd8]

my x wife and I are friends. I am good friends with her boyfriend, aswell. Never went NC because of our daughter, just moved on with our lives. So yea, if you have zero romantic intentions it can work.

[banal]

It doesn't sound like you're able to be her friend - I mean, ONLY her friend. You say yourself that you'd still love to be with her again. If that's the case - and, it's true, everyone's different - but if that's the case, then I'd suggest that you're not at that point yet. You may never be at that point. I'm good friends with an ex, and I don't care AT ALL about her seeing other guys...in fact, we talk about our dating / love lives with each other, totally absent any jealousy. It's as if we had never dated one another...

[itsmeiz]

It doesn't sound like you're able to be her friend - I mean, ONLY her friend. You say yourself that you'd still love to be with her again. If that's the case - and, it's true, everyone's different - but if that's the case, then I'd suggest that you're not at that point yet. You may never be at that point. I'm good friends with an ex, and I don't care AT ALL about her seeing other guys...in fact, we talk about our dating / love lives with each other, totally absent any jealousy. It's as if we had never dated one another...

 

I see what you're saying man. but i actually can feel myself getting to that point one day. if this was 8 or 9 months ago, i would have a mental breakdown at just the THOUGHT of her being with anyone else but me. i mean i thought i was going to cry when i found out she had a new boyfriend. but now, i do feel the little bit of jealousy, but it doesn't affect me the way it used to. i think one day i'll be at the point you are at.

[hrd8]

i actually talk to the x wife to get some insight on the current break up I am going through. It's cool to be able to get some female prospective. Just as she vents to me about her relationship from time to time.

[banal]

I see what you're saying man. but i actually can feel myself getting to that point one day. if this was 8 or 9 months ago, i would have a mental breakdown at just the THOUGHT of her being with anyone else but me. i mean i thought i was going to cry when i found out she had a new boyfriend. but now, i do feel the little bit of jealousy, but it doesn't affect me the way it used to. i think one day i'll be at the point you are at.

 

Yeah, I'm not saying you won't get there, just that it doesn't sound like you're ready yet. I know that, with my last ex, I was toying with the idea of being her friend. I've looked at her FB page, I've thought about her being with other guys, etc, etc, and I honestly felt fine about it all. So I thought, well, maybe I could reach out to her. Then last week I saw her for the first time since our breakup, and she was laughing with this other guy. Totally random, accidental encounter. I didn't feel horrible, or as if I was going to 'breakdown' as you call it, but I didn't feel RIGHT. I knew I wasn't ready, especially because I have such a good point of comparison with my other ex, who's such a good friend to me.

[flash9376]

I see what you're saying man. but i actually can feel myself getting to that point one day. if this was 8 or 9 months ago, i would have a mental breakdown at just the THOUGHT of her being with anyone else but me. i mean i thought i was going to cry when i found out she had a new boyfriend. but now, i do feel the little bit of jealousy, but it doesn't affect me the way it used to. i think one day i'll be at the point you are at.

Until that day comes..I would keep my distance...hang out every now and then sure but be careful...Honestly, it sounds like neither one of you are 100% over the other, which could lead to further issues

[itsmeiz]

i actually talk to the x wife to get some insight on the current break up I am going through. It's cool to be able to get some female prospective. Just as she vents to me about her relationship from time to time.

 

Yeah we do that kind of thing too actually. i've tried to be there for her when she was going through something and i have been able to give her advice about the guys she talks to and she's given me advice about women as well.

 

Yeah, I'm not saying you won't get there, just that it doesn't sound like you're ready yet. I know that, with my last ex, I was toying with the idea of being her friend. I've looked at her FB page, I've thought about her being with other guys, etc, etc, and I honestly felt fine about it all. So I thought, well, maybe I could reach out to her. Then last week I saw her for the first time since our breakup, and she was laughing with this other guy. Totally random, accidental encounter. I didn't feel horrible, or as if I was going to 'breakdown' as you call it, but I didn't feel RIGHT. I knew I wasn't ready, especially because I have such a good point of comparison with my other ex, who's such a good friend to me.

 

That makes a lot of sense man, thanks. i know what you mean that's kind of how i'm feeling right now. when i'm talking to her i'm able to relax and keep everything in perspective. i don't overly read into every thing she says like i used to. and although i feel the jealousy, it usually goes away fairly quickly. back then i would dwell on things like this for weeks and weeks. i honestly do just enjoy talking to her, she's a great listener and a lot of fun too. do you think at this point i should remain friends with her or wait until i have no jealousy at all? i just don't know if I'm doing more harm than good.

[itsmeiz]

Until that day comes..I would keep my distance...hang out every now and then sure but be careful...Honestly, it sounds like neither one of you are 100% over the other, which could lead to further issues

 

Thanks man, so I should just try to be careful. i honestly can't tell if she's fully over me either. 90% of the time I think she is but then she'll randomly say something that catches me off guard. i'm going to be as careful as i possibly can. i've been doing my best to guard my heart here, i don't want it broken again.

[banal]

It's totally up to you, but in my opinion, I'd keep distant. When I talk to an ex that I'm not FULLY over - and I'm over her enough to date someone else without any hangups - I begin to 'like' her again. Not fall in love with her again, but begin to think about her in non-friendship ways. And it sounds like you are, too, because you said you'd love to get back together with her. I feel that this would set me back - for example, take my latest ex. After seeing her, I began to think about how much I liked having sex with her, and cuddling with her, and laughing with her, and just being 'WITH' her. NOT enough that it would ever make me ask her out again, or attempt a reconciliation (that ship has sailed...) but enough that it would interfere with the rest of my life. I'm sorry for talking about myself here, but it's my point of reference: I can only try and explain that, based on my experiences, I would steer clear of befriending exes I still had feelings for.

 

I guess it's POSSIBLE that you could 1) be a good friend with someone and 2) want to be with her again AND 3) accept that this won't ever happen. I don't think I can ever accept #3, which is why I've done stuff like no contact...

[itsmeiz]

thanks for your advice man, i understand where you're coming from because i do find myself beginning to like her again sometimes. for now i think i'll try to keep somewhat distant without losing contact completely, because I do enjoy just chatting with her just to pass time, and because it's actually fun to. thanks alot man

[HGRR]

Every experience is different, but here's mine for what it's worth.

 

I have an ex-gf of mine that after we broke we became very good friends. We were on and off again for over a year, but we were always together during the off periods. It was a pretty rough-break up when we really decided to end things; from what I remember and we both put each other through a lot. It's been so long since the break-up (about 5 years now) that I can't even remember if we did a NC thing.

 

Anyways, we still are to this day, very good friends. There's no intimate feelings between us anymore, we really are just good friends. There's no hooking up, cuddling, or sex. It's just two people chilling. We'll get dinners together one on one and just hang out at my place or her place, just casually. I'll even hang out with her and whoever she may be seeing at the time; and we'll talk about our current relationship problems with each other. I even got excited for her when she met her latest boyfriend - because he's a really great guy. I guess, with her I was able to really detach myself from what we once were and go into a whole new relationship with her with a completely different perspective, a new paradigm, which we both understood.

 

So to answer your question, yes - it is possible to become really good friends with an ex, but I think you have to go into it both thinking you're never going to get intimate with this person ever again. And yes, my friends to this day, think my friendship with her is a little weird.

[vanillacupcake]

I have an old ex who I lived with for years. I was so in love with him and went through an awful break-up. Anyway, for the last 2 years, he has been my best friend. There is nothing romantic between us two.

[Akela]

It doesn't sound like you're able to be her friend - I mean, ONLY her friend. You say yourself that you'd still love to be with her again. If that's the case - and, it's true, everyone's different - but if that's the case, then I'd suggest that you're not at that point yet.

 

I agree with Banal on that 100%. This wont work until you are COMPLETELY over her.

 

That being said, Ill share my personal experience with an ex. I was dating a colleague in a short, but very intense relationship. We didnt end on the best of terms but it was a mutual decision. Our only contact was professionally at work (NC by our own choice). After several months, the bad feelings had passed but we didnt come back to each other. But then, we both ended up becoming friends with another (male) colleague and eventually the three of us ended up going out together for dinner and a movie. Six years later, the three of us are STILL hanging out as friends. I will admit that about halfway through this six-year period, we did hook back up once for a few months. Im pretty sure that was more out of loneliness on both sides rather than any great love. Luckily, every time we go out, he says or does something (he does a lot of complaining and is a VERY negative person) and it reminds me why I dont ever wanna date him again. LOL But we have a lot of common interests and for the most part enjoy each others company. Guess the point of me sharing all that is to say it can be done but give it time to heal first.