Trust and issues from Wife's Past

[zingzoom81]

First of all let me thank everyone who reads this and replies in advance. I will try to make it as compact and to the point so I do not run on too much!

 

My wife has had a few instances of rape in her past. One when she was very young, one when she was a teenager and one when she was in her early twenties. Her last rape was a couple years before she met me. I know she went to counseling for a few sessions and most doctors wanted to give her meds when made her worse in her opinion.

 

Anyhow, she let me know about her past a few dates into our relationship. I did not think any differently of her and and always respected her privacy when it came to this topic. We dated for several years and we we engaged for two years and now have been married for two years.

 

This is when the problems started to arise. She has always been loyal and trustworthy but I read her cell phone messages and it was with a girlfriend of her describing a guy at her school and how he was attractive. I got hurt by this and approached my wife about it and this is where I believe the problem started to manafest. She agreed that before we have kids she needed to go to counseling to deal with her past. We had been hands off sexually when she first started going but one night when I thought she was awake I started to rub her sexually and she woke up and froze in a "rape panic". She didn't tell me until a couple days later and I was disgusted with myself because I didn't want it to be like that.

 

Anyhow, I started to go to counseling as well to sort through some of the issues with my wife and the lack of affection. However, the major problem came up last night. She stated that she thinks she can never be with me sexually again and does not trust me at all. I have gone out of my way to make her feel comfortable like sleeping in another room, knocking on doors if she has them closed, doing all the chores around the home, making dinner, etc.

 

At this point I am confused on what to do. We talked about divorce and she said she didn't know and she couldn't give any type of commitment. I told her I support her no matter what path she goes down but obviously I want to make this work. I really need help because I am not eating and the anxiety is killing me. I would be fine with no sexual activity if she can at least give me some sort of indication that there is a "light at the end of the tunnel". She could not indicate anyway if there was or was not.

 

Thank you again for advice you can give me! I need any I can get

[tmtex]

not to sound blunt...Leave, get divorced. If you say "She stated that she thinks she can never be with me sexually again and does not trust me at all" then that says it all. Its not going to get better. Also if she's saying other guys are hot, something else there. Was she really raped?

[camus154]

I agree. Something really doesn't add it up here. Your wife was raped on 3 separate occasions, the two of you were fine sexually (or at least better than now), and then after some text about a guy she found attractive, *then* she said she needed more counseling and couldn't be with you sexually and didn't trust you?

[zingzoom81]

Thanks for the quick replies guys. I am not sure if has been pent up and now is coming out- she has depression so it could be the result of this. She says the lost trust came about when I touched her sexually when I thought she was awake. After she confronted me about it I decided to sleep in a separate room to make her feel more comfortable.

 

You both could be right on how things don't really add up- She has always been very guarded sexually- she doesn't make advances and is very guarded. For example, sneaking up behind her and tickling her could make her freak out.

[camus154]

So does this mean you did have a relatively normal sex life prior to this? Or have there always been problems like this since you've been dating?

[zingzoom81]

Prior to this we had a pretty normal sex life- she was guarded but she would have sex. Never without a condom though- her fear is having sex without a condom due to rapes which is the reason she started to go to counseling because we wanted to have kids in the future.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Why were you sexually hands off when she started going to counseling? Was that the suggestion of the counselor?

 

I don't know exactly what to tell you. It sounds like you've bitten off more than you can chew with her. Years have gone by, and she's just now getting into counseling? Now, she's throwing around threats that she can never be with you sexually again. And, she's making comments about other guys with her friends. You, on the other hand, are "sleeping in another room, knocking on doors if she has them closed, doing all the chores around the home, making dinner, etc."

 

What exactly are you getting out of this? It doesn't sound like you have any hope of a normal relationship - ever. And in the interim, you're constantly walking on eggshells. Do you see what I'm getting at?

[zingzoom81]

Yeah Old, I see where you are getting at- I have been talking with alot of friends and they have been validating the same thing with me. Right now it is a fine line of "walking on eggshells". What do I hope to get out of it? Right now, the future looks pretty grim. My hopes are she will be able to battle these issues with the past and together we will be able to make it through this. I am really really trying to do it all but at some point I know she is the one that will have to make the effort.

[zingzoom81]

Didn't see the first part of the question- I was sexually hands off to make her comfortable and to show that sex is not the entire part of the relationship. The counselor she is seeing to my knowledge has not said to not have any sex.

[giubilante]

I would suspect that that incident triggered something in her. Rape victims and abuse victims can have flashbacks years later... sometimes the true impact of the rape/abuse only comes years later. She is likely going through a 'panic' stage and will likely mistrust all men for a while, including you. It is not a reflection on you personally, but a result of what she has suffered in the past.

 

Where she has always been sexually guarded and told you about the rape within the first short time of your relationship, I would strongly believe that she WAS raped. The incident of her finding someone at her school attractive does not and should not in any way negate the effects of her rape (as in, you can still find people attractive regardless of whether you've been raped or not).

 

How long has it been since the incident between the two of you? And how long has she been going to counselling about this? Maybe time will heal her, and maybe not. Regardless, you are doing the right thing. This is not your burden to bear, but hers. Simply try to live your life as fully as you can without pressuring her (except to be responsible, attend counselling, and keep open communication with you). I suspect there IS light at the end of the tunnel if you can give her time and she remains committed to working on herself. Love and compassion can go a long way.

 

I hope things work out for you!

[zingzoom81]

Giubilante: The incident of when I touched her and prompted the rape response was a little over a month ago. She has been in counseling for about 2 months now. I know that attractions will happen and while it bothered me at first I trust my wife and know she would not do anything other than stare or admire from a distance- also she wouldn't let guys she doesn't really know in her safety zone.

 

I am unsure at this point of what will happen. The conversation last night was a difficult one because the subject of separation and divorce came up. Also this is not to say my wife has been closed off- Last week she came up and gave me a big long hug- something she hasn't done in a long time. A couple weeks ago she also came into the guest room and hugged me and told me she was sorry. I just reassured her that I am here for her whenever she needs me.

 

What are some suggestions that you guys have to deal with some of the lack of communication and anxiety? I have been working out and that has been helping. I just moved to this state so I don't really have a solid group of friends or family here

[oldenoughtoknow]

As difficult as it may be, you need to pull back from her a bit emotionally. Shield yourself from the coldness and the venom. If she has been apologizing and giving occasional hugs, that's encouraging. When at first all you mentioned was that she could never be with you sexually again, that didn't show much promise for recovery. But if she's actually been wrestling with her demons, swinging back and forth, that's actually progress. It's part of the process of learning to trust again. This won't be an easy road for you. She's going to test you to see how much you can take. Each time she lashes out and you don't retaliate, but you stay and are kind and calm and reassuring, she's learning a new way to "be." She's learning that you're not going to hurt her. She's learning that she can trust you. She's learning how to be vulnerable again. This will probably take a long time, and she's very lucky to have you in her life. Just remember this is her journey, and you need to protect yourself in any way you can. Good luck.

[zingzoom81]

Thank you for the kind words Old. I am trying to take care of myself and surround myself with positive thoughts. I took the weekend off from work and went home to see my family and friends. Not only to be with them, but to also give my wife space and a chance to think. She has called my mother and spoke with her because she values my mother's brutally honest opinion. My mother is very good at listening and told my wife that ultimately it is her feelings and only she knows whats right for her. My mother said she would hate for us to do couples counseling if my wife deep down in her heart knows there is no possible way be can be intimate again.

 

It is very tough to not be able to help or control the situation. I have not slept well at all, gotten sick a few times and not been eating hardly anything. I am hoping the space will allow us both to rekindle positive energy.

[zingzoom81]

Well things today took a turn for the worse. It looks like my worst fear happened- My wife doesn't think that counseling will work at all and basically wants to toss in the towel. I don't know what I can do at this point. It's like a switch flipped in the last week and now she wants out all of a sudden. She hasn't said she wants separation or divorce to me- She talked with her dad ( I am very close to her parents- they are like my own) and she told him she doesn't know how things can be fixed. Her parents are just as confused as me- they don't understand why there is a lack of effort on her part.

 

My wife said she would go to counseling "because her mom wants her to" but she does not think it will change her feelings.

 

Guidance is needed at this point- I am fighting as hard as I can to show her that I can be trusted and that this issue can be worked on over time but she does not see this. Help!

[camus154]

I could be waaaaaay off here but I get the feeling this has nothing to do with rape.

[oldenoughtoknow]

So, you're talking about her not wanting to go to couples counseling? Or continuing with her private counseling? Either way, she needs to be encouraged to go - if not for your relationship, but for her own future happiness. She's got a lot of stuff to work through.

[zingzoom81]

Update: I went out of town for a few days to give both my wife and I some space. When I came home her anxiety level was as high as it could go she stated. I am not a hurtful or harmful person so I reassured her that everything is ok and called out where I was at and made sure she had a "way out" from rooms. We went to dinner and discussed things there and when we came home. She still doesn't see us being intimate and broke down saying she knows I want a family and wants us to be happy. I let her know what makes me happy is being with her! I really do want a family but I know our issues can be healed over time. She wrote me a note this morning stating she would go to counseling with me and learn to re-trust me as a person. Right now she stated she is only working on trust and nothing else. She says she trusts no one and is on edge all day.

 

Camus: I think it does have to do with her past and her rapes. The issue I believe is intertwined with other issues though. She has always been honest with me and at this point have no reason to think otherwise.

 

Old: She said she is going to keep going to her counselor but did not want me to come because the stories are too hurtful and graphic. On some level I feel the need to hear it, to feel what she feels, and maybe I can grasp the level of her pain. At first she only wanted to go to her counselor for couples counseling (if at all, and only because her mom wanted it). However, after talking last night she wants to go with me to my counselor to help her understand, help me understand and come to some sense of normality. Obviously we will just be "friends" at this point. I can only take this note as a sign or movement in the right direction but don't want it to be because she sees me hurting or fear of financial obligations- but that she truly wants to heal.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Well, let me just say that I've been through a similar ordeal, and counselors don't work that way. The reason is there are built in conflicts of interest with such a setup. Good counselors don't even like to work with distant relatives of their existing patients. Why? Well, her counselor is looking out for her best interest - only. To be a couples counselor, he/she must look out only for the best interest of the couple and not either individual. If this is the same person, and it becomes crystal clear in individual counseling that your spouse should leave the relationship, uh, now what are they going to say as the couples counselor? See how that can get really complicated?

 

She should keep her individual counselor just for her. She's (hopefully) already delved into some ugly, dark secrets that he/she needs to hear to guide her towards a peaceful conclusion. She's built up trust with this person and having you in the same room with them, even for a short period, can short circuit everything they have done so far. Those are details that you don't need to know, and hopefully wouldn't want to know. If you have a counselor, it should stay that way.

 

I would suggest you ask each of your counselors for a recommendation for a couples counselor, and go in for an initial visit to see if he/she is a fit for both of you - someone you have faith in their abilities and feel you can trust. The couples counselor will concentrate on the harmony of the couple. They won't dive to any depth into either of your individual issues, but only to the level that helps you both see where the other person is coming from, and how for you each to both understand and respond when an individual trigger is hit.

 

I would also sign disclosure releases for each of your individual counselors so they are free to talk to your couples counselor. You can specify the level of detail you wish them to be allowed to discuss, but it will save you both a lot of time in getting everyone up to speed (a good thing at $$$ per hour).

[zingzoom81]

Thank you for the advice Old. I mis-read her intentions on going to the counselor- she still wants to be friends and intimacy is out of the question in her mind at this point forever. I told her that I cannot live without touch and being held. We had it out last night. At first it was very emotional and anger driven but now we both come to the resolve that the next step is separation and divorce. I am hurt but realize that I need to do what makes me happy. I was telling myself that being with my wife is all I needed but the love will never be there and if there is love it will just be out of respect.

 

My counselor said she will need to sign a disclosure for her to be there. I already let my counselor know that at this point there is not much in the way to save or recommend as far as a couples counselor because my wife has shut that door I believe.

 

It just pains me to know that I will never be able to hold our child and to grow old together. I want to see her happy and to work through her issues. My happiness seems extremely distant right now.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I told you this was going to be a difficult road. I think this would be a really good time for you to reflect on what YOU really want. Do you really want her? Or do you want the image of her? Do you want so much to be part of a family and having someone to grow old together with, or do you want her in any shape or form? She has been all over the place recently, and that's really part of her healing process. I wouldn't count her out yet by any means. I doubt this pendulum is done swinging. So, are you sure you really want HER, and are you up for what is going to be a long, ugly road to what is ultimately an unknown destination?

 

Keep in mind, this isn't all about her. This is your life as well.

[zingzoom81]

Old: Thank you again for the solid advice! I think I am living with the image I have projected of her. I know when we first met she was pretty open and confident, funny, carefree. I longed for those days again and I know once she works through her issues she will be there again. I would love to be with her, and I even went as far as to say that I would seriously not consider having kids which is huge for me. Reflecting on what you said, this is my life as well. I want to be happy, to feel wanted, to feel desired and to make someone feel safe and important.

 

Who knows, 6 months from now she could have progressed so far in her therapy that she might open up again. Right now, however, she sees no light at the end of the tunnel and she told me that she could not keep me waiting on something that could possibly never get fixed. She said she feels so broken that she feels like she will never be able to have kids or a proper relationship. I would be willing to walk the path of an unknown destination as you said, but she knows that it would break my heart she cannot keep me waiting forever. Believe me, I have tried so hard to let her know how important she is and that I support her healing.

 

Right now, I will just do what's best for myself and I will give her support as a friend from a distance. I want her to work through these problems because she really is a great woman who has a big heart and much to give to the world. I will continue to work on myself and somewhere in the back of my mind I will still hold the thought that one day we might be that couple again after she has battled her demons. I will always support her path and healing, if not as a husband, then as a friend who truly cares.

[zingzoom81]

Well I went to see my counselor last night and she is just as confused as I am about the whole thing. She said that it sounds like things have gotten worse she she started seeing her counselor and I agree. However, my wife was told things would get worse before they get better so it could just be running its course. My counselor agrees with me in the fact that this issue can be solved and her giving me that hope really is turning my gut this morning. My wife and I have not seen or spoken to each other in 3 days- probably the longest each of us have gone without communicating with one another. Lucky our home has dual master bedrooms because it allows us to "get away" from each other.

 

I am just confused about what to really do at this point. I am doing things for myself and trying to make plans for the future but something in the back of my head tells me that my wife is going to realize the gravity of her decision.

[suxa]

zingzoom81,

 

So sorry to hear of your pain....Just to address your first issue with her saying a guy at school is hot... is irrelevant. A guy could be hot and goodlooking, and I'd say that even if I were in a relationship. It's just an observation.

 

Anyways... it sounds like she has a lot of issues to deal with, and it'd be nice to have you there to support he and push her to go to places that are hard...

She needs lots of love and comfort. I've copied and pasted info for you to read.

 

link removed

 

INTRODUCTION

 

This is a handbook that is written for all husbands, lovers, or

partners of women who were sexually abused/assaulted as children. It is to

be used as a help in understanding the long range effects of this abuse

and to be served as a help to both partner and survivor through the

recovery process.

This handbook focuses on women who were abused/assaulted, but many

men have also suffered similar abuse from both men and women adults. This

handbook is meant for the use to their partners as well.

 

Lastly, this was put together by Joan Spear in 1988. I hope that it serves

you as well as it has served my husband and I through our journey thus

far.

 

Sexual abuse is not something that any of us likes to think about;

yet the most recent statistics state that one in four women have been

abused as a child. This means it is a common occurrence. Most women who

have been abused report that the abuse had devastating effects on them as

children and that these effects have lasted into adulthood. In fact, the

damage is so severe that many women do not recall the actual events until

they are in their 20's, 30's, or even 40's. The coping mechanisms they

used, to survive emotionally, as children stay in place into adulthood,

and these frequently allow women to "blank out" painful childhood events.

 

WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO BLANK OUT THE PAST?

 

As indicated above, sexual molestation invades the very soul of

that child. Often, in order to get through the event, the child learns to

separate herself from her body, and to pretend she isn't even there. It is

as if the abuse is happening to someone else. In adult life this

experienced as memory loss. It is a protective measure. If a woman does

not remember the abuse, then it seems as though it didn't happen, and she

doesn't have to deal with it.

 

 

WHY IS SHE REMEMBERING NOW AFTER ALL THESE YEARS?

 

 

That is different for each woman. Sometimes an attempted or actual

rape will trigger memories. Sometimes a dream will seem all too real and

will precipitate a memory. Sometimes a woman will burst into

uncontrollable tears while at a movie or upon hearing someone else's

childhood story and memories will appear. Sometimes it is just a vague

feeling that will stir someone to dig deeper. Or, it could be a look or a

touch that causes tension, discomfort, and the feeling that similar looks

or touches have happened before.

 

 

 

BUT WHY DOES SHE NEED TO REMEMBER AT ALL?

IT'S OVER AND DONE WITH. SHOULDN'T SHE

JUST GET ON WITH HER LIFE?

 

 

It would be nice if life were that simple. The fact is that any

"unfinished" business from childhood does affect adult attitudes,

feelings, behaviors, and relationships. Unfinished business is any event

or interaction that was not resolved satisfactorily at the time it

occurred.

A few very fortunate women, who had mothers or teachers who

believed them and saw to it that they were protected thereafter, may not

have scars that affect their adult lives. Most women are not that

fortunate, and, therefore need to get in touch with the pain in order to

deal with it and put it to rest.

This is very much like the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

that some Viet Nam veterans are still dealing with, 20 years after the

actual events. Because they had no outlets for their feelings at the time,

the problems have remained with them, and they need treatment now in order

to be at peace with themselves.

 

 

 

HOW DO WE KNOW IT'S ALL TRUE?

MY PARTNER HAS A VERY VIVID IMAGINATION.

 

 

We don't know. However, there is very little reason to make up

these stories. The obvious pain that accompanies the retelling is strong

evidence that it is real. Many women have also been able to check with

siblings and other relatives who reveal that they too were molested by the

same person.

 

 

SHE ISN'T MAKING IT ALL UP.

 

 

This is a common feeling. Many children are told that they are

lying - that Uncle Charlie or Daddy couldn't possibly be molesting them.

If no one will talk about it, then the child gets the feeling that maybe

she has made it all up. Since that's what she'd like to believe also, that

feeling continues when real memories occur.

 

 

WHY DOES SHE KEEP DIGGING AT IT?

FIRST IT WAS HER STEP-FATHER, THEN HER UNCLE

AND NOW HER BROTHER.

 

 

The need to know the "whole truth" about our past seems to be a

common human trait. It is somewhat like an adopted child who grows up and

leaves no stone unturned to find her birth parents. This may be a painful

process but she can't rest until all the facts are before her.

 

 

IT WAS ONLY ONE EVENT:

WHY SHOULD THAT BE SO DEVASTATING?

 

 

It is devastating because sexual abuse is a total invasion of

one's body and privacy. Most often the perpetrator is someone the child

knows and trusts. If this is a family member, then it is someone whom the

child especially trusts and looks to for protection. Children feel

betrayed, and they live in fear that the abuse will happen again. As

adults, they feel they lost their innocence too soon, grew up too fast,

and were robbed of their childhood.

 

 

BUT HE ONLY FONDLED HER GENITALS.

IT ISN'T AS IF HE PENETRATED HER.

 

 

There is no such thing as "only fondled". He fondled her genitals

and that, in itself, is a crime. He may, in fact, not have touched her at

all, confining his sexual advances to lewd and suggestive remarks, and

this can be devastating too. If a child has been subjected to years of

painful intercourse then she has been more traumatized than someone who

has been fondled a few times. In both cases, however, the emotional scars

run deep.

 

 

SHE MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY

PROVOCATIVE AND SEXUAL CHILD.

 

 

Most children who are sexually abused are neither. Children don't

ask to be raped any more than adults do. Some children may cuddle with

adults, seeking non-sexual attention and caressing; or some, who have

already been abused, may appear seductive because they have learned this

is the only way to get any attention at all.

In any case, it is always the adult's responsibility. Even a well

developed 13 or 14 year old who is parading around scantily clothed is not

"asking for it". Rape is not the penalty for poor judgment!

 

 

I THINK SHE PROBABLY ENJOYED THE ATTENTION ANYWAY.

 

 

If this was the only way she got any attention at all, then she

may have enjoyed that aspect of what happened. But dread, and fear, and

disgust, and confusion, and pain were also present. This is one reason why

therapy takes as long as it does. The adult who was a victim as a child

often feels ashamed and guilty and responsible for the incest because

there was a part of her that needed the attention. This still does not

make her responsible for what happened to her, and the little girl inside

of her needs to be convinced of that.

 

 

WHY DIDN'T SHE SCREAM OR SOMETHING?

 

 

She may have tried to. Adults, however, are much bigger and

stronger than children. At first she may not have even realized what was

happening to her. Also, many abusers bribe or threaten children so that

silence seems like the only choice.

 

 

WHY DIDN'T SHE TELL HER MOTHER?

 

 

She may have tried to and was silenced or not believed. She may

have known from previous experience that her mother would not listen; or

that she would be in more trouble if she did tell. The abuser may have

threatened to harm her mother if she told. Or, she may have feared a split

in the family if she said anything. The reason victims tell is that they

want the abuse to stop; they usually don't want to be removed from the

home or have their father or brother put in jail. In some families, the

mother is also abusing the child, so the child feels she has no place to

turn.

 

 

SHE PROBABLY ENJOYED THE SEX TOO.

 

 

This is possible. We are all sexual beings and, if we are

stimulated in certain places or in certain ways, then our bodies may

respond whether we want them to or not. This still doesn't mean that it is

okay to be sexual with someone who is not old enough to give informed

consent. If she did feel turned on in any way, then this has probably

added to her sense of guilt.

 

 

WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP PAYING FOR SOMEONE

ELSE'S MISTAKE? SHE'S BEEN TALKING ABOUT

THE ABUSE EVER SINCE I FIRST MET HER.

 

 

Unfortunately, that's the way it is. Until she gets help with the

problem and works on changing her attitudes and beliefs, it will continue

to interfere in her life - sometime unbeknownst to her.

 

 

HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE?

SHE'S BEEN IN A SUPPORT GROUP FOR TWO YEARS NOW.

 

 

It will take as long as it takes. There are a great number of

issues that need to be dealt with, such as low self-esteem, poor body

image, fear of not being in control, lack or trust, inability to know what

she feels, difficulty in talking about feelings, anger, guilt, and denial

- to name a few. In short, the main messages children get from abusive,

and other dysfunctional, families are: "Don't trust", "Don't talk", and

"Don't feel". All three need to be reversed in order to lead a healthy

adult life.

 

 

COULDN'T SHE JUST TALK TO ME? I RESENT HER

TELLING OTHER PEOPLE OUR FAMILY BUSINESS.

 

 

You are too close to your wife/lover/girl friend to be her

therapist too. However, your support and concern are very important to

her.

 

 

WHENEVER SHE TALKS ABOUT HER STEP-FATHER,

I FEEL LIKE GETTING A GUN AND SHOOTING HIM.

 

 

This is understandable, but it is not helpful to express this

feeling repeatedly to your partner. She has her own anger to deal with. It

is distracting and non-productive if she feels she has to calm you down on

an ongoing basis. If you need to express your outrage continually, then it

might be important to find a friend or counselor who will listen to your

concerns.

 

 

SOMETIMES I JUST CRY WHENEVER SHE

RECALLS A MEMORY TO ME.

 

 

This is another reason that it is wise for you not to try to be

her therapist. The material is so highly charged, it requires someone who

has been trained or someone who has worked through a similar experience to

deal with it effectively. Don't turn off your tears, but also don't be

surprised if she prefers telling the details to her group members. Your

crying may be beneficial to both of you in terms of releasing emotion for

you and providing empathy for her, but she may stop sharing her memories

with you as a way of protecting your feelings.

 

 

HOW LONG IS THIS GOING TO BE THE FOCUS OF HER LIFE?

IT SEEMS THAT SHE DOESN'T RESPOND TO ANY EVERYDAY

CONVERSATION THESE DAYS.

 

 

Once again, this can't be predicted. If she has spent 10 or 20 or

30 years pretending to herself that a major event in her life didn't

happen, then it will take some time to bring all of it to consciousness,

to digest it, to come to terms with it, to apply new insights to her

present life, and then to get on with the business of living. She may very

well seem stopped in time for a while. However, she has actually been

"stuck" there for a long time, and that has caused some of the problems in

your own relationship.

 

 

IF THE INCEST WAS SO DEVASTATING, WHY HAS

SHE BEEN SO PROMISCUOUS ALL HER LIFE?

SHE SEEMS VERY SEXUAL TO ME.

 

 

There is often a great deal of confusion between affection and

sex. Being promiscuous is not necessarily because one enjoys sex. In fact,

the opposite is more often true. Some women "use" men, or women, in the

same way that they were used as children, and sex becomes a way of getting

back at the perpetrator through all other men (women).

Some women are simply repeating what they learned as children: the

only way to get attention at all is to be sexual. Many just want to cuddle

but feel that intercourse is the price they have to pay.

Sometimes, being sexual is a way of trying to avoid painful

feelings - a kind of quick fix. Many abused women also misuse alcohol and

drugs in the same way.

 

 

MY WIFE WILL HARDLY LET ME TOUCH HER,

EVEN IN AN AFFECTIONATE WAY.

 

 

This is another reaction that sexually abused women often have.

Even though the abuse may have stopped 20 or 30 years ago, the little girl

inside of her is still scared. Automatically, her defenses against being

hurt go into effect. Any number of things can remind her of long ago. Some

women can't bear to be surprised from behind, others react to pats on the

fanny, and others don't like to have their breasts touched. If this is the

case, then pay attention to what she asks you not to do.

 

 

MY LOVER ALWAYS NEEDS TO BE IN CONTROL.

SHE DECIDES WHEN WE'RE GOING TO HAVE SEX

AND HOW WE'RE GOING TO DO IT.

 

 

This is understandable. Control is a big issue for survivors of

sexual abuse. As little girls they had no control over what happened to

their bodies. As adults they need to have a sense of control in order not

to panic.

 

 

BUT I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN GENTLE WITH HER

AND NOT THE LEAST BIT ABUSIVE.

 

 

How wonderful! She's lucky to have you. Your caring and concern

are certainly helpful. However, there may be times when she doesn't see

you as you; she is flipped back in time and has someone else's face on

you. She may need to stop whatever you are doing together so that she can

get back to the present.

 

 

SOMETIMES IT SEEMS AS THOUGH SHE ISN'T EVEN THERE

WHEN WE ARE HAVING SEX.

 

 

This is probably an accurate observation. Often, the only way a

child can survive sexual abuse emotionally is by pretending she isn't

there. Women describe it as "going numb". It is a protective device that

is difficult to stop. As she gains trust and is more relaxed in sexual

situations, she will slowly be able to be there with you.

 

 

WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP?

 

 

Be patient.

 

Be as understanding as you can be.

 

Don't push.

 

Work on clear communication skills.

 

Be as non-judgmental as you can be about her process. She will progress at

her own pace no matter what you think or say, so save yourself some

arguments and heartaches.

If you can't stand it, find a therapist to talk to. Or join a

group for partner of abused women. If there is no such group in your

community, find a therapist who would be willing to form one.

 

 

WHAT ABOUT ME? I HAVE NEEDS TOO.

 

 

Indeed you do. However, if you can focus on her needs for the time

being, it will pay off in the long run.

There will be days, maybe weeks, when she is feeling so

emotionally raw that the thought of being sexually intimate would be like

her insisting on intercourse right after you have had an operation to

remove the foreskin from your penis. So be patient. This feeling of

rawness often occurs the day or the day after she has attended a group

session. It is not a signal for her to stop going; instead it's a positive

sign that she is dealing with her problems. It is a sign of hope for the

future.

 

 

PERHAPS YOU ARE AN ABUSER TOO.

If so, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest professional counselor. If

you do not, don't be surprised if your wife/partner decides to leave at

some point. This is not a threat, but rather, a fact. It is not uncommon

for women who were abused to choose abusive men or women because it is a

familiar situation to be in. Sometimes it's because they feel they don't

deserve anything better. As their self-esteem rises, however, they may

wish to make changes in their entire life style. If you are unable to

change accordingly, you may be left behind.

 

 

BUT I WAS ABUSED, MYSELF, AS A CHILD.

 

 

This is often the case. If you were abused too, then there is even

more reason for you to get the same kind of help your partner is getting.

There is nothing more exciting than two people who are becoming healthier

together.

 

 

GOOD LUCK TO BOTH OF YOU!"

 

However, as OLDENOUGHTOKNOW pointed out, this is your life, and it is up to you to decide what you want with her life.

If you think you still want to be with her in the long run, you'll have to go through this painful journey together, and in the end come out of the dark tunnel.