Played, don't care about him, but want closure for myself.

[waterlilly]

okay...so long story short....was dating guy for 2 months(exclusive and moving forwards). I was his rebound, he was my rebound. I had doubts the whole time, he had doubts the whole time. My gut instinct said not to trust him, that he didn't treat me good enough, his actions did not back up his words. I may have rushed him, scared him off, etc. but he is rude. ON thursday we have a big talk that he initiates. He apologizes for being so absent, for being neglectful. says he hasn't had the energy for a relationship. I ask if he wants to still see me. He says yes. HE ASKS ME if I want to go to lunch the next day. I say yes. HE then explains why he has been distant. NOthing he says is weird, all of it is understandable. I say either you want to put effort into it or you don't. HE says apparently he didn't cause he would have put more effort into it. I say well I don't want to put effort into seeing someone who doesn't miss me or care if they never see me again. He says no it isn't like that. I ask is it me, it is totally okay if it is. He says no and looks in my eyes for the longest time, deep long reassuring soul searching stare. At the end of our converstaion I ask "Do you even want to bother trying to see me still?" he says yes and once again asks if I want to have lunch. I say yes. we hug and kiss goodbye. romantic like. The next day I am sick. We see each other only briefly. I tell him I understand about his work and I am not in a rush. WE part with a big hug he initiates, him kissing me on the neck telling me he hopes I feel better and squeezing my rear. It was a... my girl is sick I hope she feels better... hug. we part. He thinks I am going out of town the next day(this was friday and I was suppose to leave that day). I don't talk to him saturday at all.

On sunday morning I am upset. I decide again to go over and try to get out of this stupid relationship. he comes out, gets in my car, and we talk. I bring up what he said about effort. He says he doesn't want to see me anymore. I am fine with this. I do ask though, why not call it off thurs or friday then when he saw me. why say yes I want to see you. He has no real explanation other than he didn't want to be hasty. I get it because I wanted to break it off at times but didn't want to rush out. HE asks if we can be friends, I say sure. I wasn't in love with him. I am not upset it is over. we part on good terms. I leave, but my gut instinct says, someone was there. HE only called it off because he was afraid she would come out and he would be caught stringing me along still. HE HAD to call it off before he got caught. I go back to catch him. and I do. HE comes out, I ask him is someone there, and he admits it, but says she is an ex there to help him work. I ask, and you had sex with her. He admits it. I ask why he didn't tell me and says it had nothing to do with us...really? I get irritated. I tell him he crossed my boundaries and I had made it clear I didn't want just sex. He said he didn't either. He justifies having sex with someone else because we had not had sex in awhile. I say it has been 2 weeks. He tries to say it was longer and I say no, before you went out of town. He shuts up. He was gone for 8 of those 14 days and I was sick for one and he thought I was out of town for 1. So because of those 4 available days we didn't have sex he was able to justify having sex with someone else. please. I even saw him 3 of those 4 days. I am so mad at myself for ignoring my gut instinct. I say you strung me along on the back burner till something better came along. I tell him I don't want to be friends with him. I get in my car. I roll the window down, but don't know what else to say. He says we can talk about it later. I handled it well, didn't yell, cuss, or call him names.

I return later angry with something to say but he is not there. The woman is there(she is an ex from long long ago and they stayed friends). Her car is not there cause hers is broken down somewhere. we are both calm and polite. I let her know right away I don't blame her(she is visiting friends in the area for awhile but doesn't live here). She tells me she didn't know about me, of course not. She doesn't tell me what he said to her that morning except that he didn't say much. I don't ask what he said or what she thinks. I said I had told him I was not mad at him before, but now I was. I let her know he could have called it off with me thurs or friday but said he still wanted to see me. That I made it very clear to him that I was monogomous and until someone says clearly I am not with you, that is what I expect. I don't know if he even would have broken it off with me if I had not come over while she was there and forced his hand. She lets me know that she thought he cheated on her when they were together, but never mentioned it to him. She says he probably has more experience manuevering these situations. hmmmmm.....a repeat player. She asks if I want her to yell at him or if there was any explicit language I wanted her to say to him. I laugh and say no. I won't stay mad long. I am not even upset about not being with him, but about ignoring my instincts. She says she has known him a long time and he isn't a bad guy(they went out 12 years ago) and hopes me and him can patch up our communication. I say I don't care cause the brief amount of time I have know him is not enough to save.

now it has been several days. I was mad at him for one day, mad at myself for 2. Everyone I have told this story to all agree.....he wouldn't have broken it off with me if I had not shown up there. If I had just left with out bringing up our relationship, he probably would have let me without breaking it off. Then if things didn't manifest further with her, he would have still had me back burnered. Because we dont run with the same crowd, there would be no way for me to know for awhile.

so, I am not upset about losing him. I don't like leaving things unsettled with people for my benefit. I have no desire to be friends with him so he can feel okay about his actions. I just want to feel like I gave someone a chance to explain their side. Is that a bad idea? We live in a tiny town and right now I feel like I would tell every woman to stay away from him. I need to do what feels right for me. A part of me can see maybe he isn't a total jerk and it did just unexpectedly happen and he knew it was not going anywhere with me, but everyone I tell this to says he is no good and would have just strung me along. I never trusted him completely either, which is why I pushed so hard for reassurance from him. I have never been so forward about clarifying things with someone. weird.

what do ya'll think?

[camus154]

I think the part about wanting to give him a chance to explain his side is BS.

 

If you really don't care about this guy, and he's quite clearly shown his true colors, why on earth do you need to hear his side of it?

[waterlilly]

Thanks for the response...

I see why it looks like BS. It isn't that I don't care about him, I just don't care that we aren't together and I don't need to be friends with him. I have forgiven people who have done far worse things to me. I have been able to get to a good place within myself towards those people. I achieved that peace and forgiveness for me though, not them.

I am overly understanding and compassionate. I always look at the other side so I have a chance to learn and grow. I am this way to a fault and it has hurt me in the past. It is strange but I just want to know others motives and am fascinated by people(I would be a therapist but don't want to go to school that long). I am like this regardless of whether I care about the person or not or if I even know them. I need to work on this apparently....lol.

Your right though....he has shown his true colors, I wouldn't trust anything he said anyways. how could I?

[waterlilly]

okay...I have thought about this a little. There is definitely a part of this that is BS....

I don't like the idea I didn't follow my gut instinct. I can't believe I tolerated his behavior, made excuses for him, excepted his excuses. I even broke it off once and then took it back immediately. yuck. I gave him chances to get out of it.

I would love to hear something that made it all better, made me go...oh, now I understand. You really aren't a selfish pig after all. That is not going to happen is it? At least if I was just his rebound and he wasn't ready yet and I scared him off, then I could totally understand that and we can be friends. But he is selfabsorbed jerk who never really cared about me at all. Probably hoped I would just finally get sick of him, break it off completely, and leave him with an untarnished reputation. If he had never contacted me again, then I could tell women that, ensuring he had a bad reputation. wow.

I am amazed at how pathetic people can be. I know I have made some serious mistakes relationship wise. I confess. I don't have much adult experience though. I do learn from my mistakes though and won't repeat them.

[camus154]

Don't be so hard on yourself. Unfortunately there are creeps out there and you happened to cross paths with one.

 

Happens to the best of us

[waterlilly]

Thank you....

that is what my friends say to, don't be so hard on yourself. I really thought he was different, even though my instincts said run.....

yes, I am in good company

[Hollyj]

He's a player and a jerk. I would stay away from him.

 

Please paragraph when you post. It is almost impossible to read.

[endy]

I think the whole story doesn't really matter, besides the fact that you both rebounded which is unhealthy. Learn how to grieve a relationship properly and this won't happen again. All this is... is drama. Drama that was caused by not grieving a REAL relationship on either end.

 

That's the real issue here. I think that's what needs to be examined. Maybe take time, heal from both relationships now, so you can be in a healthy one again. If not you're just going to carry the baggage and other crap with you into every relationship you get into in the future. Not a good thing to do. It takes a strong person not to jump from girl to girl or guy to guy. Learn how to do that.

[waterlilly]

Hollyj, thanks. I will stay far away....We do live in a very rural community where everyone goes to the same small town to shop. We also have a few mutual friends. But he is very quiet and shy, and avoids crowds and people. But I will probably see him at some point....I will avoid him.

I wish I knew what she said to him when she saw him again. I love how she offered to yell at him for me and scream cuss words at him. She had a glint in her eye when offering.....

 

I don't expect to hear from him. I would be so shocked. It amazes me when people who do something wrong and know it don't bother to make contact to apologize.

 

Sorry about the lack of space and not enough paragraphs. I will remember next time.

[waterlilly]

Endy,

thanks for your reply. You are correct too. At the time I met this guy, I was happy being single and was not looking to meet anyone. I was happier than I had been in a long time and was on the right track. I continued to process things about my ex for a short time after I met this guy. I wasn't ready and I knew it. But then I felt I was....

 

As far as him, I knew I should have walked away from him when I learned about his ex. I didn't though. oh well. live and learn. I have to drive past his driveway, there is no alternate route out of my neighborhood. I just keep going.

 

For now, I plan on focusing entirely on me and my kids, my hobbies, my responsibilities. I was not wanting a serious relationship then and now, I really am not interested in dating or a relationship at all. I have a lot to heal.

 

Thanks for your wise advice.

Waterlilly.

[waterlilly]

well I found some things out last night.....

This is not new for him....he uses, lies, manipulates. HE cheats always. I realized he is a sex addict. The woman who was telling me this, it happened to her too. She said he probably did care about me, that he does want a real relationship, but he will never be faithful to the woman. Thank God I found out know!!!!!!!

 

Take puts a whole different spin on it....