when and how?

[nuttybuddy]

hi,

 

i am 36 and he is 43. we've started dating since 9 months ago. i like a lot of things about him, but eventually, i don't see myself ending up with him. for him, i'm "the one." i have told him about our issue and why i don't think we can get married, and he gets very sad. he knows the issue is a deal breaker. i have encouraged him to go out on speed dates to see other girls out there. he has done it twice, but was not successful. he is rather picky and in the first speed date there was a beautiful girl in her twenties who caught his eye. things were moving along with her, but when she found out his age, she rejected him. on the second speed date, he didn't see any girl he liked. then he told me he did not want to go on any more speed dates and wants me only. i don't know if his heart was half into doing the speed dates anyway.

 

couple of months ago, he was laid off. our deal breaker issue is still unchanging. we like each other's company and have good chemistry. but when any time the thought of us not working out comes up, he gets very sad. one time, we were walking and when the issue came up, he completely lost all energy. i was a little afraid he would fall.

 

he tells me if i break up with him, he would be a single guy in his 40's, without a job, and i think he might go into depression.

 

so far, i have been encouraging him to put a resume together and apply for a job. he's slowly getting it done. but one of his issues is, he does not know if he wants to continue what he has been doing in the last 14 years. he needs to discover what his passions are.

 

i think part of him wishes a "hollywood ending" where i will declare our issue will not matter and that i will end up with him.

 

so, how and when do i break up with him? i don't want him to get into depression. i am waiting until he gets a job and maybe he may be able to be better then. he doesn't want to go on speed dates anymore when he doesn't have a job.

[MakeItCount]

Unfortunately it's not up to you to get this guy's life together. He's 43, not 20. He's a grown adult and needs to address his issues on his own. If he's depressed, he should go see a doctor. You shouldn't stick around like his mother to coach him through life. It may sound harsh but you shouldn't suffer for it. If you must stick around and be his friend to support him do it, but you shouldn't be in a relationship that makes you unhappy.

 

Keep in mind, this guy could just be clinging onto any woman that enters his life because he's so desperate and unhappy with where his life is.

 

Sit him down (At his place, so you can leave), explain the problems again and be on your way.

[DN]

So long as you go out with him you are giving him hope.

[Hollyj]

Agree with DN. I would go NC so he can move on.

 

Please do not try to remain friends, as it will continue to hurt him further and give him hope. Make a clean break!

[calidreamin]

OH MAN, I am in this same relationship.

 

My dad summed it up very well, " the pound has lots of puppies, but you cant take home every one of them and help them".

 

My boyfriend is the same way. He is very depressive. and I am 'the one' to him. But, I don't see myself with him forever. And I need to end it, stop wasting my time and his. But I don't know how or when without completely devastating him. I am worried about how depressed he gets.

 

Has your man cried a lot? Mine has cried more than I ever have in this relationship. He is so fragile, its hard to come up with a light way to to break up with him. But in essence, my dad is right... we cannot save them all. I feel like the mother in my relationship a lot of times. Do you feel the same?

 

Its hard, I hope we get the courage! I think the best way would be to add a tag... I will be here for you. But just cannot be in a relationship with you? I am not sure

[Eocsor]

You're already broken up with him if you are encouraging him to go on dates with oher women. You just need to cut ties with him because he stil lhas hope for a happy ending. Plus I get the feeling he's driving you up the wall a little. You may think you are being kind but in reality you are doing him a dis-service at this stage. Throw him back into the pool so he can try and find happiness. Any little kindness at this stage will just be taken as a sign of hope.

[nuttybuddy]

Thank u all for responding.

 

i know NC is what i have to do.... but..... how about if i give him time until he finds a job?

 

if i do it now, i don't want to be responsible for a potential "irreversible harm" if u know what i mean. but if i let it go on, i'm afraid he will get more attached and he will have a harder recovery.

 

and calidreamin, thanks for your story. my guy hasn't cried in front of me. he doesn't make me feel like a mother, but i care about him dearly. your father's adage rings true, and i am not trying to save the world or everyone.... but for the one that i have in my arms right now, i guess i want to gently let him down.

[Eocsor]

The longer you lead him on the worse it is. If you have lost interest make a clean break. No one likes being hurt but it beats living with false hope.