How many "too little too late"-r's do we have here?

[DerekJason]

"took her/him for granted" what's the general consensus about this topic? I'm recently guilty of it. Does it mean that i wasn't really into her? id like to think that i was (Now at 10 weeks post BU), or does it mean "i just wasn't THAT into her?" Do dudes become complacent more often than women in a relationship? Or is that a myth?

 

 

thoughts? feelings? stories? Discuss!

[Saffron_]

I can't even begin to count the number of times I've heard of women leaving their men because they felt neglected or taken for granted. Personally (and this is a bit of a generalisation) I think that women put more effort into maintaining the relationship than men do and when men take but don't give back, they start to get bitter and resentful. Sometimes men can be too complacent, sometimes they're just downright selfish, and yes at that point any effort is 'too little too late' as far as the woman is concerned. Just my opinion.

[blackhawks1287]

It is all a matter of perception.

 

EVERYONE is selfish. What if the needs of said women only increased and because YOU didn't recognize the signs, then you are at fault.

 

Attention and the honeymoon aspect will ALWAYS fade, and it is not always one person's fault. So to say that he or she took them for granted is not always true and not always "the man's" fault when he woman gets neglected. I think it is more of a communication issue than anything, meaning don't be passive if the situation really is not working for you...and your neglected feeling only get bigger and bigger to the point where you feel pushed in a corner and have to fiend for yourself.

[Saffron_]

I agree that honeymoon aspects fade and that's to be expected. I also think that some women expect way too much which in itself is selfish. But just going back to the situations I've experienced, none of the women that felt taken for granted were being passive or failing to comunicate their disatisfaction with their partners. It's just that they wouldn't listen or they would say "yeah, yeah" and ignore the issue. Each and every one was very vocal on their feelings of being taken for granted...up until a point. Then they just stopped trying, thought 'what's the use' and left.

[DerekJason]

I can't even begin to count the number of times I've heard of women leaving their men because they felt neglected or taken for granted. Personally (and this is a bit of a generalisation) I think that women put more effort into maintaining the relationship than men do and when men take but don't give back, they start to get bitter and resentful. Sometimes men can be too complacent, sometimes they're just downright selfish, and yes at that point any effort is 'too little too late' as far as the woman is concerned. Just my opinion.

 

F**k!, this just made me realize that maybe i was bordering selfishness.

 

It is all a matter of perception.

 

EVERYONE is selfish. What if the needs of said women only increased and because YOU didn't recognize the signs, then you are at fault.

 

Attention and the honeymoon aspect will ALWAYS fade, and it is not always one person's fault. So to say that he or she took them for granted is not always true and not always "the man's" fault when he woman gets neglected. I think it is more of a communication issue than anything, meaning don't be passive if the situation really is not working for you...and your neglected feeling only get bigger and bigger to the point where you feel pushed in a corner and have to fiend for yourself.

 

def communication issues in my last relationship. ive learned that people are not mindreaders. before i knew it, i had been kicked to the curb.

 

I agree that honeymoon aspects fade and that's to be expected. I also think that some women expect way too much which in itself is selfish. But just going back to the situations I've experienced, none of the women that felt taken for granted were being passive or failing to comunicate their disatisfaction with their partners. It's just that they wouldn't listen or they would say "yeah, yeah" and ignore the issue. Each and every one was very vocal on their feelings of being taken for granted...up until a point. Then they just stopped trying, thought 'what's the use' and left.

 

in my case, she was passive and silently giving me check minuses.

 

Alas, all good points Saffron and Blackhawk!

[blackhawks1287]

I agree that honeymoon aspects fade and that's to be expected. I also think that some women expect way too much which in itself is selfish. But just going back to the situations I've experienced, none of the women that felt taken for granted were being passive or failing to comunicate their disatisfaction with their partners. It's just that they wouldn't listen or they would say "yeah, yeah" and ignore the issue. Each and every one was very vocal on their feelings of being taken for granted...up until a point. Then they just stopped trying, thought 'what's the use' and left.

 

Unless they were 100%...Hey this is not working, we need to fix this or end it....then they were being passive stacking up the negatives until they had a reason to hate and leave on the current BF.

 

My ex KNEW, she KNEW I could not go out and party every night...yet she still was unhappy even when I made the extra effort. But alas...she set up a guy behind my back that could seemingly fulfill this need of hers. I communicated with her my abilities and what I could afford, but she didn't have it and instead of being honest with me...being unhappy...victimizing herself to everyone and this new guy...she strung me along until she was ready to depart....talk about selfishness...

 

But yes...some demands are too extreme and everyone is selfish. It is all about finding that happy medium and COMMUNICATING IT. Don't be passive and put up with it for now expecting it to change. My ex stayed with me UNTIL she found a new guy, searching, lying, cheating. She knew my MO from day one...frugal, bright future, responsibility...

 

So yes is it subjective sure, does this happen to a lot of people, yes. But you just have to RECOGNIZE the red flags, because they are there and be more aware case and point. And you are welcome Derek...it is all a healing process and learning from the mistakes and experiences.

[DerekJason]

tis true when they say hindsight is always 20/20. im def gonna be communicating in the next relationship. looking back, my communication has lacked or been near non-existent in all of my relationships. This lesson stings.

[triangles]

I can't even begin to count the number of times I've heard of women leaving their men because they felt neglected or taken for granted. Personally (and this is a bit of a generalisation) I think that women put more effort into maintaining the relationship than men do and when men take but don't give back, they start to get bitter and resentful. Sometimes men can be too complacent, sometimes they're just downright selfish, and yes at that point any effort is 'too little too late' as far as the woman is concerned. Just my opinion.

 

What you've described is EXACTLY why I eventually divorced my ex-husband. I should've kicked him to the curb a year after we started dating. Your comments "when men take but don't give back, they [women] start to get bitter and resentful....and yes at that point any effort is 'too little too late' as far as the woman is concerned" are spot on regarding my situation.

 

Just FYI...I pursued him first when we met. Not sure if that matters or not.

[Oneironaut]

I had to break up with a guy a few years ago because he was completely neglecting me, and I voiced it frequently. It was only after I became openly interested in another guy, my current boyfriend, that my ex tried to start showing attention, but as the title goes, it was too little, too late.

 

I know he's still bitter towards me about it, because in his mind, all the effort he was putting out at the end should have changed things...what he ignores is the fact that for months and months before that, he was blowing me off, even when I told him how I was feeling, and pointed out specific examples.

 

If your ex wasn't voicing anything, though, then she's equally to blame, as far as I'm concerned. How on earth can anyone expect someone to "make things right" if they don't even know things are wrong?

[triangles]

I agree that honeymoon aspects fade and that's to be expected. I also think that some women expect way too much which in itself is selfish. But just going back to the situations I've experienced, none of the women that felt taken for granted were being passive or failing to comunicate their disatisfaction with their partners. It's just that they wouldn't listen or they would say "yeah, yeah" and ignore the issue. Each and every one was very vocal on their feelings of being taken for granted...up until a point. Then they just stopped trying, thought 'what's the use' and left.

 

Again...so true. When my female friends in troubled marriages and relationships talk to me about their dissatisfaction, I always hear them say they've talked and talked and fought and argued and nothing has changed and they're still frustrated. And I always tell them, "That's your problem: Words are for women. You need to communicate with ACTION." Pull back from the relationship, stop doing activities that have been "expected" of you (like family gatherings with in-laws, etc). Stop doing what you're doing and make a complete 180. Start being more selfish and focus on what makes YOU happy. That's what will make him start to "hear" you. I know this because I lived it. The ONLY time my ex started taking me seriously and making changes was when he saw I was distancing myself and making plans to leave the relationship. THEN everything changed, but as was mentioned earlier it was "too little too late".

 

Unfortunately I usually hear excuses about why they [my friends in troubled relationships] can't do this or can't do that, so they continue to fall back on what doesn't work: talking incessantly and arguing and fighting.

[Saffron_]

Unless they were 100%...Hey this is not working, we need to fix this or end it....then they were being passive stacking up the negatives until they had a reason to hate and leave on the current BF.

Don't be passive and put up with it for now expecting it to change.

 

Blackhawks, I'm sorry about your break up with your ex but don't presume to tell me that the women I know were being passive in any way. Like I said, they were all VERY vocal about the unhappiness they were feeling and so many times after a fight with their OH they would confide in me/other friends. It was always the same thing. "He cares more about his friends/work/the pub than he does about me", "He's never there", "He won't talk about it and when I try to talk about it he tells me to stop nagging him". In each case that I've witnessed, the women moved on to better men and much happier relationships. I think if someone highlights a big problem in the relationship to their OH and their OH does nothing to address it, well they've only got themselves to blame if they get left.

 

I had to break up with a guy a few years ago because he was completely neglecting me, and I voiced it frequently. It was only after I became openly interested in another guy, my current boyfriend, that my ex tried to start showing attention, but as the title goes, it was too little, too late.

 

I know he's still bitter towards me about it, because in his mind, all the effort he was putting out at the end should have changed things...what he ignores is the fact that for months and months before that, he was blowing me off, even when I told him how I was feeling, and pointed out specific examples.

 

Again...so true. When my female friends in troubled marriages and relationships talk to me about their dissatisfaction, I always hear them say they've talked and talked and fought and argued and nothing has changed and they're still frustrated. Start being more selfish and focus on what makes YOU happy. That's what will make him start to "hear" you. I know this because I lived it. The ONLY time my ex started taking me seriously and making changes was when he saw I was distancing myself and making plans to leave the relationship. THEN everything changed, but as was mentioned earlier it was "too little too late".

 

These girls don't sound too passive to me. Both Oneironaut and Triangles are saying just what my friends have said to me. They felt neglected, they said so, their partners wouldn't listen, frustration mounted, feelings changed, they walked away.

[DerekJason]

If your ex wasn't voicing anything, though, then she's equally to blame, as far as I'm concerned. How on earth can anyone expect someone to "make things right" if they don't even know things are wrong?

 

thats what im sayin'. She never said "hey do you want to get together tonight?" (on a night that we didnt usually hang out), or "hey when you did (blank) that really upset me", etc.

[Saffron_]

Well that's not fair. You're not a mind reader. What reasons did she give for breaking up with you?

[DerekJason]

Well that's not fair. You're not a mind reader. What reasons did she give for breaking up with you?

 

initially she gave me the friends bit, and after 7 weeks of me thinking there was something i could do, and VERRRY LC, i asked her to meet me to talk, "about what?" "I need to hear some things so i can move on" and she basically said i killed the relationship, there were times when she was off from school, and i hardly ever made an attempt to see her, she had to ask ME out (after 4 or 5 What are we talks i finally agreed). even after we were official, nothing changed on my part. also, that i was ok with only seeing her once a week. not that i wouldnt have, but she never was like "hey do you think we see each other enough?" OR "i would like to see you tonight".

 

its been almost a mth of NC, we are still bound by a phone contract, she texted me 3 weeks ago asking for a little more time to save up the 280 dollar cancel fee, i havent responded.

[pure_water]

My question is this... Me and my ex was together for 3 years and she wants to stay friendly. We have a 2 year old daughter. And I took her for granted. I was wondering if I stay friendly with her will she ever want a relationship again? She moved right along 2 days after we broke up with me and moved unto the guy she cheated on me with. Can I ever repair that?

[token09]

This all rings so true in my relationship with the ex, and i regret it all so much now.

 

We were together for 6 years. She tried to break up with me several times over the course of it, and even ended up moving away. I tried to walk away as well. But i tried to change who i was each time.

 

I was a mummys boy who wouldnt move out of the family home to live with her. I simply wasnt ready, and our cultural backgrounds made the situation more difficult too. I had my sport that i would train for and play at the weekends, and she had her dancing.

 

When we lived close by, we saw each other every other night, but i used to complain and fall out with her that she wouldnt put me first and would rather do stuff with her friends. It wasnt really true, i just loved spending time with her and wanted more of it. She started going away on trips with her ex to do stuff that she wanted to do and i had a major row with her about that.

 

Then she moved back home, partly because of money, partly because of me. We worked through it, and tried to spend as much time together as possible. This normally involved her coming to me as she worked shifts. Her friends planted it into her head that i wasn't putting any effort in, and that really hurt me. I only had weekends free, so it made more sense for her to come to me. I started making more effort to go to her after this.

 

But because we saw each other so little, when we saw each other, we would end up arguing, about not seeing each other, and about the stupidest of things. I would huff. She wouldnt let me just calm down and get on with it, and would keep on pushing the case. So i made an effort to not be so huffy. I did really try.

 

She had started asking about moving back to be with me and i was still not in a position to do it. i was scared to commit. Then i would go see her and she would have a whole life away from me that i wasnt part of. Thats when i started thinking about what i had to start thinking if i wanted to be with her or not. it took a few months, but i decided that i did want her, and had to make forward steps.

 

I bought a house that needed a lot of work done with the view of moving into it. She got angry that i didnt buy it with her, and so wouldnt come and spend time with me working on it together, which is what i wanted. around the same time, she got a new job, which meant she was no longer workign shifts, and we saw each other a lot less, and started fighting more. She again asked to move in while the house wasnt ready, and i said no. she then said she wanted to go away for a year. I said if she did, then i wouldnt be here when she got back.

 

During this time, she was getting close to a guy at her work. she eventually cheated on me with him, and for the last year now i've been trying to fight for her, but she says its too little too late.

 

I knew i had to grow up, and i have since moved out and been more independent. i have grown up. My friend has had a kid, and i have babysat and stuff, whereas before i wouldnt go near kids as i had no time for them. Its made me see things differently. I've seen my friends in relationships, and recognised that they spend all their time together, and fight a lot of the time too.

 

I know its cliche, but i have changed, alot, since the break up. I think it has been the best thing for us. We have met several times, and have ended up kissing and stuff. but she doesnt want to get back into it. doesnt want to leave this guy, and says its too little too late. She has said that she knows that we have something that is special, but doesnt want to be blinded by that again.

 

So what do i do? her friends say to her that if i have genuinely changed, then she should be with me because she waited so long for it to happen. does she truly believe deep down that things have changed? does she think she is just going to be unhappy again? or is it too little too late?

[Imthatguy]

I was one once. I thought i had screwed up horribly, convinced myself of it. Worst depression of my life. Looking back at it now i just laugh, she changed so much after we broke up she was not even close to the girl I thought I was dating. I am better off for it and she on the other hand well, I guess I'm not one to judge but I think she's worse off. I might not be the best person for saying this but that feels like a win to me

[DerekJason]

I was one once. I thought i had screwed up horribly, convinced myself of it. Worst depression of my life. Looking back at it now i just laugh, she changed so much after we broke up she was not even close to the girl I thought I was dating. I am better off for it and she on the other hand well, I guess I'm not one to judge but I think she's worse off. I might not be the best person for saying this but that feels like a win to me

 

im glad you reached that point, i on the other hand, feel like a horses a$$ still, and feel like i have lost the sweetest girl ive ever known. blah

[token09]

I guess I'm not one to judge but I think she's worse off. I might not be the best person for saying this but that feels like a win to me

 

I've had a good chat with one of my pals new girlfriends. i saw this guy on facebook when i found out, and thought he was a decent looking guy and fair enough. I told her his name and she checked him out. She was baffled and then showed me some of the pics that she had found. she said he wasn't the best looking person she'd ever met (politely) and that i was miles better then him. I said then that he must have a great personality. She said that she doubts that because of what she knows about me, and what my pal has told her.

[sada88]

With a lot of my exes, there was a lot of a "little too late" issues. With what Saffron has said, I have tried communicating so many times that I was being taken for granted and I was under-appreciated, which lead to more arguments on my end. That after awhile, I just stopped communicating because for me it was too late and I kept on threatening to leave him if things don't change at all. I stayed though because I loved him enough to want to be with him. He would keep on deluding himself that he was changing but he didn't and the resentment would build...until the day he felt like he was going to take a step up and be a man...in which case by the time that happened, I didn't care anymore because I was tired...which lead him to ending it.