Need advice on how to handle things

[Hopeful111]

My boyfriend and I have been together almost two years. There have been some bumps here and there along the way but we have managed to get through them. We both were on the same page and were discussing the future. We have travel plans and itineries booked all the way through next year. Until he went away on a business trip last month and had an affair. I was devastated. He felt bad and very remorseful. He said he was confused at why he did this and needed time to think. He said that he loved me very much but was not sure if he deserved my love in return. He explained that he had not been happy for the past month and wanted to go and see a counselor. So I supported the NC even though deep down it was killing me. He cheated on me and now I feel like I am in time out. I asked if he was still in contact with this woman andhe claimed he wasnt.

 

After a week I found out that he was still talking with her and when I saw that he had added this woman to his FB it killed me. So I did something bad, I got into his email to find out if he was just stringing me along. When I saw a few emails between he and her, that was it. This woman is married and lives 3000 miles away for goodness sake. After seeing this, I called him up and said I was done. I ammoving on and asked him to leave me alone.

 

The next morning he was at my doorstep begging me to give it one more chance and said that he believed we could work on us. We spoke for two hours and I gave it some though. I told him I would be willing to work on us, but I would need reassurance and he must stop all communication with this woman. He agreed. So far he has not contacted her - that I know of and I dare not check his email. I dont want to know and I feel bad for even having done that.

Yet here we are going on week 2 of trying to work things out and it does not feel that he is really even trying. I get the usual 'have a good day' text in the morning and mid afternoon - 'how are you doing' text and then a call in the pm. I only respond and never initiate texts or calls to him. I am trying to give him space and not look to needy but deep down I need/want to hear from him.

 

But its like he is not really trying to see me. He is the one that said he did not want to lose me, he is the one that said he wanted to work things out... yet here I sit... waiting. I finally voiced my concerns about not seeing him. He apologized and said it was just bad timing and that he had a lot going on and that he does love me but is still working through a lot. He stated that we both broke a lot of trust and he is scared that he may not be able to get over my breaking his trust by getting into his email. He claims he is still confused but he does love me.

 

What do I do? Just act like everything is fine and be ok with not really seeing him that much. I feel used, taken for granted and hopeless at this point. I love this man very dearly and I am capable of forgiving his past transgressions ... but it feels as if I am chasing after him when he cheated on me! I realized I did my wrong doings in invading his privacy and I respect that.

 

I purchased the M3 system along with TDubb's as well.... great advice but the strategies just are not working. I have read through a lot of the posts here and felt compelled to reach out for your input. This site seems to offer a great amount of information and right now I really need all the info I can get before i go stir crazy.

[Airbag]

Do you really want to be with him, after what he did? Focus on this question for the next few days/weeks. He needs to be the one craving for you, not the other way around. He needs to earn your attention. If he's still acting like an immature man, it's time to find one that deserves you!

[Hopeful111]

I spent four long days really thinking things through. I began to reflect on a few things and realized some areas that could have been handled differently. I am in no way condoning his choices or behavior but I am accept responsibility for my part. There is something different about him that I felt with him that I have never felt before. He just turned 40 and I am 37. I have had a few long term relationships but this one - "moved me" like none other. I do wish to be with him, I realize it will be a long road ahead in recovery and repair but I am willing to put forth the effort. I am just not sure if he is really going to come trhough on his end or am I just getting my hopes up. When he came to my door, I was shocked. We have never had an irrational style of behavior. No yelling matches or scenes etc, so for him to make a bold move especially considering I have children in the home that are teenagers, I could see his sincereity and I could see the remorse in his eyes. I want to believe he wants to work on us, but his actions are not showing and I dare not push him at this juncture.

I just need some closure, either we work on things or we dont but I feel like I am left in idle mode and I am scared to pull theplug and walk away, in doing so only pushing him further away and I will never know what we could have become.

[Forget Myself]

He stated that we both broke a lot of trust and he is scared that he may not be able to get over my breaking his trust by getting into his email. He claims he is still confused but he does love me.

 

He is manipulating you. HE is the one that broke YOUR trust. He slept with someone else. Reading his emails? The only thing that broke was your trust in his words, and his self image. Now you see his actions and what a failure of a partner he is. He hasn't lost trust in you, he is manipulating you. He came begging and wanted to get back with you, and now he is trying to flip it around and put the problem on you, to keep his ego in tact. Remind yourself that you are a wonderful partner. and he should only hope to have someone as wonderful and as devoted as you in his life. He broke your trust and has shown he is incapable of being a good partner for you, not the other way around. Don't let his mind games bring you down, believe that you deserve something better. Don't compromise yourself and what you want/ expect in a relationship. If you do you are only setting yourself up for more pain.

[Hopeful111]

I hear what you are saying and agree that I should not compromise, I suppose I just have high hopes. I believe that if two people really want the same thing, we can over come any obstacle and in the end , our relationship will be that much stronger. I just am not sure how to react in this moment, I dont want to shoot from the hips perse. I am trying to be mature and level headed but at this moment my heart and mind are not cooperating with each other

[Forget Myself]

I hear what you are saying and agree that I should not compromise, I suppose I just have high hopes. I believe that if two people really want the same thing, we can over come any obstacle and in the end , our relationship will be that much stronger. I just am not sure how to react in this moment, I dont want to shoot from the hips perse. I am trying to be mature and level headed but at this moment my heart and mind are not cooperating with each other

 

I understand what you are thinking. I went through the same thing with my ex. We had a rough patch in our lives and I believed it would make us stronger, she admitted the same thing. But through her actions I began to worry and was hearing in her words different things than her actions were showing me. A few weeks later she wanted to break up. And we had been looking at places together, talking much about the future. I gave this girl every benefit of the doubt and tried to put myself aside for the good of the relationship, in the end I should have listened to my heart and knew what was coming. You've seen this man hide things from you, and you know he is still in contact with a woman he cheated on you with. These are not the actions of a man who respects you and wants you in his life forever.

[Georgia99]

I've been on this road before H, and I dealt with a lot of trust, anger, anxiety issues. I also checked email, facebook, cellphone, pockets. The only difference between the two of us is I didn't hide it. I said I had a good reason not to trust him.

 

I thought I was fine and didn't need counseling - I thought that was for 'crazy people'. But it really helps. Don't keep it all inside - I did - I hid it from friends, family, and at one point I just bubbled over. Find a good one, go for yourself, and at a point when you're ready, if ever you're ready, invite him for a couples session.

 

If the two of you truly love each other, and he made a terrible mistake and is truly sorry, you could weather this storm. It takes a lot of work. Good luck to you and keep us posted what happens.

[Eocsor]

You sound like a victim. You feel bad for checking his e-mail and don't want to again for fear you'll find something. And you say you accept responsibilty for your part in this. There is no, repeat NO, excuse to cheat, EVER. End of story. Not only that but he's cheated and is now yanking your chain with his behaviour.

 

If he was really contrite he'd be on his knees begging for another chance and doing everything in his power to show you how sorry he is and how much he cares. He's in the wrong, not you.

 

You say "I believe that if two people really want the same thing, we can over come any obstacle and in the end , our relationship will be that much stronger." Well, I don't think this is the case here. Actions speak louder than words and his actions don't match what he's saying about being sorry.

 

I know it hurts, but this seems like a bad relationship and i think you need to cut ties. He's a dog and once a dog starts to chase cars they always do.

[Hopeful111]

Thank you for the input. How do I react in this current moment though to his lack of effort. He does stay in contact via text throughout the day and we do speak on the phone each day. I dont reach out to him at all. Should I just continue down this path and wait for him to come around?

[Georgia99]

It's never a good idea to continue down a path you're not happy with. Also not cool for wait for a guy to "come around."

 

When I found out, I made demands (remove the woman from facebook, etc). I told him what needed to happen if he wanted a future with me. At this point he should be counting his lucky stars you took him back, and you should be getting treated like a queen. I told we needed to get couple counseling to find out if we could weather the storm.

 

Take some time to yourself to figure out what you want, what you want your relationship to be, and then ask for it.

[april15]

His reaction to you checking his email is all wrong. You were betrayed. If he wants back in your life, he needs to step up and be an open book for as long as it takes for you to feel you can trust him. His behavior of turning it around back at you is, in my experience, a tactic for him to continue his evil ways.

[Hopeful111]

He just texted me to see if I was free tonight? I am so unsure of how to act any longer. I just want to scream. I understand what all theposts are telling me and I agree, he is not being fair to me. How can I get this turned around? How can I get him to realize that he truly is losing me by acting this way? Do I jsut stop responding all together and act aloof? Despite the fact that I want to see him...

[Janeiac]

The way to get him to realize he is really losing you is for him to REALLY lose you. Either he'll shape up, and you'll both move forward with a better relationship, or you will have the good fortune of shedding the dead weight of a cheating liar.

 

It's appalling that he's succeeded in turning this around to be a problem with what YOU did-- reading his email to check his veracity after he cheated and lied. It's also a very old trick. Don't fall for it. It's not great to have to snoop, but it shouldn't be an issue at all. There should be nothing in his email that he wouldn't want you to see and that you are not allowwed to see (unless he's planning a wonderful surprise for YOU!

 

It would be different if it was idle snooping without cause. That's not what's going on here.

 

You are correct when you say, "I believe that if two people really want the same thing, we can over come any obstacle and in the end , our relationship will be that much stronger." Unfortunately, he doesn't necessarily want the same thing that you do. He isn't showing that he does. Let him show you that before you begin to consider taking him back. If all that happenns, one stipulation must be that he gives you complete transparancy and accountablity for as long as it takes for you to feel that you can trust him again. If he won't do this, he isn't worthy of your trust.

 

I'm sorry to see you going through this pain. Please take care of yourself, and don't settle for less than what you deserve.

[Hopeful111]

Thanks, I realize you are right, its just so hard right now to decipher through all of it within my heart. My heart aches and I miss him so dearly.

[Hopeful111]

Well I met with him tonight. He started to cry and said he was lost in his own mind and did not want to string me along any further. He loves me too much but needs to be alone. Told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him but he just could not have the same faith in us as I did. My heart aches as I feel completely and utterly rejected. He cheats on me, says he wants to work things out and then tosses me out like trash. I just dont understand.

He was sincere and all I did was smile (half smile) and listened. I did not interrupt him once. I let him talk and I fought back the tears and at the end of our conversation , I told him to take care and I wished him well. I wanted to say so much more but felt that I needed to let go. I feel like I am losing the love of a lifetime and I am so confused at how or why. Will he come back? Is this really the end?

[SorrowandPain]

Sorry you had to go through all that. He cheated on you and doesn't want to be with you so why would you want him? I understand the pain that stems from the betrayal and abandonment (I still haven't gotten over what my ex did to me) but you have to realize that a lot of what you're going through are normal parts of abandonment grief. You are in shock and disbelief and then you pine for him as if you've lost a part of yourself. A lot of these has to do with the neurochemicals in your brain reacting to the loss. Stay strong. It will get better. Just realize that you have to respect yourself and not be treated like this by someone who supposedly loves you.

 

Also, there are just no answers for his behaviour. Nothing he says will make things right or erase the past. No explanations will make sense. It is really painful but people do things that shock us and when it's someone we love who does something we believe is out of character and thus betrays us, it hurts that much more. Just take solace in the fact that so many of us on here have gone though what you're going through and so many have survived it and become stronger.

[Hopeful111]

I hope it gets better, he has no idea that I am carrying his child. I never told him and feel truly abandoned like none other. I hate it when women use pregnancy as a means to get a man back, so I chose to refrain from sharing with him so I could know what his heart wanted. Its going to be an uphill battel the next few months... very hard

[SorrowandPain]

I hope it gets better, he has no idea that I am carrying his child. I never told him and feel truly abandoned like none other. I hate it when women use pregnancy as a means to get a man back, so I chose to refrain from sharing with him so I could know what his heart wanted. Its going to be an uphill battel the next few months... very hard

 

Whoa... I hope that everything works out for you. Do you plan on keeping the child?

[Hopeful111]

Yes I dont believe in abortion. I currently have two children, agres 16 and 12. They are aware and my son has been very suppotive as he went with me to the doctors. I am scared but I know I will be strong. My heart aches though, it hurts very deeply.

[Hopeful111]

Well I wanted to update everyone of all the occurences over the past month. Its been hard. I had a miscarraige which I feel was for the best. I spoke with him briefly from an email he sent apologizing for his behavior ( 3 weeks ago )and letting me know that he will always love me and will never forget our time. He mentioned that since I informed him that I did not wish to be friends, he would not bother me.

I went through 3 weeks of pain, NC all the way. It hurt and I cried. I knew deep down I deserved better, it was just the rejection that hurt so much. I finally started to feel better. Not completely, every now and then a song will come on the radio that will remind me or a place where we used to go to ... its hard to erase him completely.

Today he sends me a text out of the blue asking if he can come by to pick up his surfboard that he had left at my house when we broke up. What are his real motives for asking me this after a month. He sent me the email and we concluded our goodbyes. So why on earth would he want to start communication back up, is it really for a surf board? It was fairly new and costly ($900ish) but its not like he is poor. He left some clothes and shoes etc and did not really care about any of these things.

I guess what hurt is that he was so cold in the text. Basicall said Hi, hope all is well. Sorry to bother you. Wanted to come by today or tomrorow to pick up my board.

I was not sure what to do. Do i respond? Do I want to see him? Should I just ignore the text all together?

Keep in mind I spent thousands of dollars on a surprise party for him on a yacht with all his friends... and he cheated on me jsut weeks prior. i still went ahead and had the party, he opened his gifts ( brand new iPad and other items).. I just feel like this is a slap in my face. After all he put me through, all I spent on him for him out of love.. is he really being petty to want his board back?