Questions about coming out-dad is homophobic

[Miss Kitty]

I'm bisexual. I recently came out to my boyfriend which gave him an instant boner, lol, and recently too a friend of mine who surprisingly then came out to me that she's bisexual as well. So these first two went well and a part of me just wants to come fully out of the closet, but it's hard. My parents are both religious. I am too, but I believe that God loves me the way I am. My dad is also homo-phobic. He HATES gay people. I tried to come out to my mom when I was 14. I had a girlfriend and I told her about it. She was disgusted with me and it really hurt our relationship. My mom and I have always been close and she's always been the only one I could really count on, so I ended up telling her it was just an experimental stage and it's all over now. It's hard to know what to do. I have several gay friends and they don't even know I'm bi. I think I'm scared that if I tell them they will try to pressure me to come out fully and I don't know if I am ready too.

 

So I guess what I really wanted to know is

 

1. If you have come out, was it worth it?

2. How do I go about coming out?

3. Should I only come out to some people for now, or should I just do it?

[Princess123]

That makes your bf sound like a creep and/or potential to be unfaithful. Why? You saying boner is like him saying so threesome?

 

Well how close is your circle of friends to your family? Better they hear it from you then through the grapevine.

[Miss Kitty]

All guys are turned on by bisexual woman, and as for the threesome, yes we are planning that if we can find the right girl for it. But I'm as into as he is. My bf is NOT a creep, and I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't judge someone you don't even know because he's been the best thing for me. He's helped me to heal a shattered heart and to learn to love and respect myself for who I am and to feel beautiful. He's done so much for me, so calling him a creep is a personal insult to me.

 

I would appreciate it if we could keep this thread about the topic, not about my relationship with my bf. I need no help there.

[Furtive]

(I'm not gay or bisexual, so I know I cannot truly say one way or the other.)

 

But, I used to think my dad was homophobic. Just by his manner of speaking and the jokes he would tell, to some degree.

 

Just in the last few years though, his favorite waiter at the restaurant he goes to is "the * * * * * guy," but he says that in a nice way, I don't wan that being mistaken.

 

He also used to rant on gay shows, but now he watches shows that have gays in them without any issue.

 

So I don't know if he changed, or I just saw him differently. I don't know how deep seated your dad's homophobia is, only you know that...but in the end if he cannot handle the fact that your are bisexual, I think that's his problem, and not yours.

 

**The automatic filter took it out, but it's from the "we're here, we're (instert word)

[Moontiger]

This might be helpful to you, link removed

[Miss Kitty]

Thank you FathomFear. That's good advice. I am worried about the finances of it too. I am really struggling financially, and my parents pay some of my bills and allow me to live at home rent-free. I will most likely wait until that time is up before coming out. That's another reason I am unsure about coming out to others. I don't want it getting around to my parents. I don't know that my dad would come around like the one in the video, but if he did, it would take longer than 14 years. My dad still hasn't accepted all the other quirks I have and differences between us in the 22 years he's known me. He judges me for everything I say and do. I feel like he hates the person I am. My mom swears he loves me, but I have a real hard time believing her.

[Miss Kitty]

This might be helpful to you, link removed

 

I like that they mention Sodom and Gomorrah. People use this to say that gays should be killed. They completely ignore the fact that the men of Sodom tried to rape two angels and that they were all sleeping around with everyone. Perhaps it was the free-for-all of sex and the attempted RAPE that made God angry. I could see rape making him angry. How is it that people think being gay would make God angrier that raping people?

[Moontiger]

Here is the wiki page of the guy who wrote that: link removed He has had a very interesting life coming to terms with his sexuality and religion. He was also in a documentary called, "For the Bible Tells Me So" its a really good documentary, watch it some time, I think it would be a good resource for you.

[DN]

All guys are turned on by bisexual woman,

Many perhaps but not all. Beware generalisations - they can get people in trouble.

[Miss Kitty]

Many perhaps but not all. Beware generalisations - they can get people in trouble.

 

True. I guess I was just frustrated because I don't like people saying bad things about my bf. I get really defensive of him. It's true that not ALL men are into that, but I do maintain that it's not an uncommon fantasy, so I don't think it makes him a total creep.

[FathomFear]

True. I guess I was just frustrated because I don't like people saying bad things about my bf. I get really defensive of him. It's true that not ALL men are into that, but I do maintain that it's not an uncommon fantasy, so I don't think it makes him a total creep.

 

I would keep in mind that when frequenting advice forums like this one that no one really knows you or anyone you might reference, such as you boyfriend. People can only go by the few details which get communicated, as it's impossible to evaluate the whole person. I think people were more perturbed by the "instant boner" part of your comment, as some guys do immediately associate it with having a threesome. And while you're luckily into that, not all bisexual women are--and they sometimes receive flack for that.

 

It's an unfortunate double-standard, as bisexual guys who comes out of the closet tend to be more criticized. Instead of getting turned on like your boyfriend, the first thought tends to be "Ugh, my boyfriend is not masculine and probably secretly gay..."

[shuttlefish]

Since Dan Savage knows all

 

 

 

Personally I believe in the spectrum theory of sexuality and that most people are somewhere on that spectrum. A trend I don't really like seeing is the whole phenomenon known as "bar-sexual" in which people (usually younger girls it seems) "pretend" to be bi-sexual in order to make themselves appear more interesting than they are. Well, there is veganism, but that requires more sacrifice than annoying/scaring one's straight parents and occasionally sucking face with a willing-for-the-same-reason same sex friend in full view of others.

[Princess123]

Wasn't judging I said it makes him SOUND like one. I didn't say oh your bf is this. Difference, big one. Apologies nonetheless.

 

We all see things in a different way. I wasn't trying to come off as a bad person here. I know its completely off topic as well. It just stuck out to me because yes every guy probably does see that as a fantasy but its also two ways. The second is the guy seeing an opportunity to sleep/mess with another female. I personally just see that as swinging or openly cheating or there is no term for it.

[Miss Kitty]

I would keep in mind that when frequenting advice forums like this one that no one really knows you or anyone you might reference, such as you boyfriend. People can only go by the few details which get communicated, as it's impossible to evaluate the whole person. I think people were more perturbed by the "instant boner" part of your comment, as some guys do immediately associate it with having a threesome. And while you're luckily into that, not all bisexual women are--and they sometimes receive flack for that.

 

It's an unfortunate double-standard, as bisexual guys who comes out of the closet tend to be more criticized. Instead of getting turned on like your boyfriend, the first thought tends to be "Ugh, my boyfriend is not masculine and probably secretly gay..."

 

I understand that, but I wasn't asking for advice on my relationship with Austin, and since, as you stated, she does not know him, I don't think she should just automatically asume that he's a creep or say that wanting a threesome makes him a creep. That must mean she thinks I'm a creep to since I am also excited about it. As I said, however, I'd really like to keep this thread on topic and not go off into threesome chat.

[Miss Kitty]

Since Dan Savage knows all

 

 

 

Personally I believe in the spectrum theory of sexuality and that most people are somewhere on that spectrum. A trend I don't really like seeing is the whole phenomenon known as "bar-sexual" in which people (usually younger girls it seems) "pretend" to be bi-sexual in order to make themselves appear more interesting than they are. Well, there is veganism, but that requires more sacrifice than annoying/scaring one's straight parents and occasionally sucking face with a willing-for-the-same-reason same sex friend in full view of others.

 

Are you saying that you don're believe me that I'm bisexual? I don't really get what your comment has to do with the subject.

[Miss Kitty]

Wasn't judging I said it makes him SOUND like one. I didn't say oh your bf is this. Difference, big one. Apologies nonetheless.

 

We all see things in a different way. I wasn't trying to come off as a bad person here. I know its completely off topic as well. It just stuck out to me because yes every guy probably does see that as a fantasy but its also two ways. The second is the guy seeing an opportunity to sleep/mess with another female. I personally just see that as swinging or openly cheating or there is no term for it.

 

No hard feelings. Thank you for understanding why I was upset. While I see your side of the threesome thing, for me, since we are both getting equal pleasure out of it, I'm good with it. As long as he only does it with me, I don't mind. Luckily we're in a point in our relationship where we can be secure in knowing that we are secure in our relationship and thus can explore our sexuality in that way. Being young, we both have so many things we've yet to do. It's fun to try new things.

[lukeb]

I don't actually see that you think it speaks to his open mindedness that he got an instant boner when you told him you were bi. If you don't see that, and ofcourse if your bf doesn't see it that way, then I guess there isn't a problem. I don't see a reason in your situation to tell your parents, what exactly are you hoping to get out of it?

[FathomFear]

Are you saying that you don're believe me that I'm bisexual? I don't really get what your comment has to do with the subject.

 

I think it means you should carefully decide why you wish to tell your parents and also be prepared for some of the reactions that Dan explains in that clip. For better or worse, the reality is that the vast majority of bisexuals only engage in heterosexual relationships. Right now that is your situation. If you father is homophobic it wouldn't shock me if he wouldn't take the news seriously considering that fact. He might see it as a "phase" or just discount it entirely unless you actually get to the point where you pursue relationships with women.

[Miss Kitty]

I don't actually see that you think it speaks to his open mindedness that he got an instant boner when you told him you were bi. If you don't see that, and ofcourse if your bf doesn't see it that way, then I guess there isn't a problem. I don't see a reason in your situation to tell your parents, what exactly are you hoping to get out of it?

 

I hate hiding who I am and listening to the gay basing going on in my house. I want be able to stand up for myself. I think if my mom knew, she'd be kind enough not to saying gay jokes around me. I don't think my dad would stop, but at least I could defend myself.

[Miss Kitty]

I think it means you should carefully decide why you wish to tell your parents and also be prepared for some of the reactions that Dan explains in that clip. For better or worse, the reality is that the vast majority of bisexuals only engage in heterosexual relationships. Right now that is your situation. If you father is homophobic it wouldn't shock me if he wouldn't take the news seriously considering that fact. He might see it as a "phase" or just discount it entirely unless you actually get to the point where you pursue relationships with women.

 

Ah, I see what you're saying. So maybe, as long as things are working out with Austin, I don't need to say anything just yet.

[lukeb]

Ah, I see what you're saying. So maybe, as long as things are working out with Austin, I don't need to say anything just yet.

 

I think that is a good decision, you are describing your sexuality like it is some fetish you and your boyfriend share, your parents don't need to know about that.

[Miss Kitty]

I think that is a good decision, you are describing your sexuality like it is some fetish you and your boyfriend share, your parents don't need to know about that.

 

lol, no they don't need to be invited to my kinky sex dungeon, er uh, bedroom, however, it would be nice if they could understand that making fun of homosexuals and calling them such horrible things hurts me deeply. I hate being called a pervert to my face by someone who doesn't even realize that they are doing it.

[lukeb]

lol, no they don't need to be invited to my kinky sex dungeon, er uh, bedroom, however, it would be nice if they could understand that making fun of homosexuals and calling them such horrible things hurts me deeply. I hate being called a pervert to my face by someone who doesn't even realize that they are doing it.

 

That wasn't exactly what I meant, I don't think we are on the same page here but I guess I should let it go, things seem to be working out between you and your bf and that's great.

 

good luck

[greywolf]

All guys are turned on by bisexual woman, and as for the threesome, yes we are planning that if we can find the right girl for it. But I'm as into as he is. My bf is NOT a creep, and I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't judge someone you don't even know because he's been the best thing for me. He's helped me to heal a shattered heart and to learn to love and respect myself for who I am and to feel beautiful. He's done so much for me, so calling him a creep is a personal insult to me.

 

I would appreciate it if we could keep this thread about the topic, not about my relationship with my bf. I need no help there.

 

I think the point that some people were trying to make here is that you can't lump people all together. As a bisexual myself, I didn't like the comment because I don't like being treated like a sex object based on my sexuality, and I especially dislike it when women themselves encourage the sexual objectification of their sex.

 

I believe that is what lukeb meant when he said that you were treating your sexuality like it was some sort of fetish, or in other words, something to objectify.

 

As for your question, I would not tell him. My mom makes less than flattering comments about gay people once in awhile as well and the only thing you can really do is tell them why you think they're wrong and leave it at that. IMO it's not worth hurting someone over something that may never be relevant.

[Miss Kitty]

I think the point that some people were trying to make here is that you can't lump people all together. As a bisexual myself, I didn't like the comment because I don't like being treated like a sex object based on my sexuality, and I especially dislike it when women themselves encourage the sexual objectification of their sex.

 

I believe that is what lukeb meant when he said that you were treating your sexuality like it was some sort of fetish, or in other words, something to objectify.

 

As for your question, I would not tell him. My mom makes less than flattering comments about gay people once in awhile as well and the only thing you can really do is tell them why you think they're wrong and leave it at that. IMO it's not worth hurting someone over something that may never be relevant.

 

Okay, now I understand what that comment meant. For me personally, I find it flattering that it turns him on so much, but I get your side too.

 

I think you're all right. I'm going to wait. Maybe someday I'll come out, but not now. There's really no point in it at the moment. Thank you all for your comments.