Huge Fight over stripper at 21st birthday party

[relaxx]

Hello all,

 

thanks for your help in Advance - I will try to keep it simple and short.

 

Have been going out with my current girlfriend (she's 20) for 9 months now, have been very happy and I really see a future for both of us. I know I treat her well (my friends say I bend over backwards for her), always encourage her, tell her how proud I am of her (she is studying dance and wants to be a showgirl at Moulin Rouge - which I am fine with), and always tell her how much I love her. We see eachother about 3 times a week and sleep over about the same.

 

My 21st birthday party was on saturday, and I found out from her that my male friends had organized a stripper as a joke to do a show on the night. She said she was a little worried about me maybe being attracted to the stripper or realizing I was missing out on being single, and I told her that I would not be thinking about the stripper - I would be thinking about her because I love her very much and am very attracted to her. Saturday night came, and the stripper (who admittedly was about 2 hours late) rocked up at about 1am. About 10 seconds before she 'went on stage', my girlfriend told me (important to add we were both quite drunk) that she wanted the stripper (who my friends had already paid $270 to) to leave. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place, and at that same time all my friends + the stripper were pulling me towards this chair that was going to be a where I would be sitting - and I gave in to them. At this point my girlfriend ran away (I was only told this later) and started crying out the front of my house.

 

The show started, and it was a typical show where the stripper would take my shirt off, jokingly wip my back with my belt etc etc. She did a 'internal exam' act or whatever it was where she put her gloved hand down the back of my pants (which I resisted quite vehemently). At this point (about 4 minutes into the 20 minute show), my girlfriends friend came upto the stripper, told her to stop the show and said that my girlfriend was crying and I should be ashamed of myself. I thought to myself 'what the hell am I meant to do'. Anyways, I decided to go find her and comfort her. The stripper was quite irritated (naturally) that her show was violently stopped short and left.

 

I found my girlfriend out the front of my house crying, but as soon as she caught sight of me she decided to run down the road screaming that we were over, she would never see me again and goodbye. I chased her, and after a hell of a struggle (including her slapping me quite hard in the face several times - I also slapped her but gently to make her 'wake up') managed to bring her back home to my bed (she was very drunk). I got her some water but when I got back again to my bed she had run away. I ran throughout the neighbourhood trying to find her in bare feet (which was very painfull) and finally found her crying again. Anyways, took her home again and fell asleep. Everyone had left as soon as I had left the show as the atmosphere of the party was entirely ruined by the whole situation and there was no point in me staying up.

 

Woke up the next morning and she was very very apologetic, said how she hated to see me hurt and she was just drunk and tired and emotional, I accepted her apology and pretty much went home with her to stay the night at her house. The next day she kind of started backtracking over how sorry she was, saying that she didnt regret standing up for what she thought was right and we had another big fight. I am of the opinion that if she had really not wanted this show (which to be completely honest I was not that keen on), then she should have told me before hand so that I could tell my friends that it would make her uncomfortable, instead of getting very upset on the night and ruining the end of my 21st birthday. She said it was never too late and that she thought she was right in standing up for herself.

 

She does not get on with my friend who organized it because she feels he spends too much time with me and is therefore a threat to our relationship. I think she should have put her problem with him aside for one night and just gotten on with it - I would have been more than happy to deal with it the next day, or even before that, but when there were 50 people there to see me for my birthday I don't believe I should have had to deal with that.

 

This is where it becomes difficult - I agree that she has the right to have an opinion, and I agree that if she was uncomfortable with it, it was inappropriate. However, even though she was adequately prepared for it, she had not told me that she would be uncomfortable with it. She says that I should have known, and I should have just cancelled it straight off, but I can't read her mind. Her friends all 'agree' with her, and my friends all agree with my opinion. I have told her I wish to go on a break from seeing her for a few days, and she is very defensive and saying if I really love her I should'nt have to think about anything etc etc. This is where I want your opinion:

 

Is it inappropriate for friends to organize a stripper for a guy's 21st birthday party when he has a girlfriend, even though she knew about it and did not express her problem with it prior to the event.

 

Thanks very much in advance for your responses. Please be honest even if you disagree with me!

 

Relaxx

[DN]

There are several points here:

 

One: It was inappropriate of your friends to organise a stripper when your girlfriend was going to be there - they were clods to do that and you should have stopped it.

Two - she should have said something earlier.

Three: you could have chosen not to cooperate with the stripper.

Four: she should not have over-reacted

 

But #5 is the big one - it is not appropriate for her to slap you hard several times when drunk even if she is upset. That is the most important and disturbing thing about all of this. You should not have slapped her back either under those circumstances.

 

Too much miscommunication, too much drinking and way too much violence.

[Captain Obvious]

If she didnt disagree with it then I dont see it as inappropriate, Im sure some GFs would allow it and some would not.

[FrenchFries]

But she did say she was uncomfortable with it by saying she was concerned about his attraction to the stripper.

[Papillion]

have to be honest with you dude - i'm with your girlfriend on this one.

 

i will declare though - i have a huge problem with strippers per se, so i admit i'm biased, but the truth is if my g/f had a male stripper (or even just stood and watched one) that would be it for me. Over and out.

 

to be fair to you though, she should have made her feelings clear the moment she knew the stripper was planned. She shouldn't have waited until it started happening.

[nutbrownhare]

Whether or not it's appropriate doesn't really seem to be an issue - it's something many guys do for their mates - and they often go for 'victims' who'll be really embarrassed by it. I doubt your friends would have considered your girlfriend's feelings at all, but then it was YOUR birthday party and they were just being young guys!

 

Your girlfriend had already expressed her anxieties and you had reassured her. If she felt as strongly as she evidently did, it would have been much better to have said so at the same time rather than waiting to cause a scene at the party; it might have caused a bit of an argument, but that would have been better than the drama of the actual night. It wasn't you that organised the stripper. And you did resist the stripper, after all!

 

I'm guessing that this is the heart of the problem:

She does not get on with my friend who organized it because she feels he spends too much time with me and is therefore a threat to our relationship.

The stripper wasn't the real issue. She's jealous of this guy, and the stripper would have been the icing on the cake!

 

I doubt that your girlfriend would have acted the way she did if she hadn't been drinking, but it was your day and she made it all about her. The comments about how you 'should have known' and 'if you really love her then...' is typically manipulative stuff, which is worrying if she does this a lot, and also if there's a lot of conflict about the amount of time you spend with your friend, that's worrying too. Even more of a concern is that she sees this as a threat to your relationship.

 

What you are talking about here is control, not love. If you are confident that you don't spend time with your male friend at her expense - letting her down in favour of him, putting his needs ahead of hers, or even if you spend more time with him than you do with her - then YOU need to be very, very wary of this relationship.

 

Only you know the full back story to all this, but it seems that the whole incident is about a lot more than just your birthday party. You need to examine your whole relationship, and whether there is a lot of control here, and whether that's what you really want from a partner.

 

You certainly HAVE got a lot to think about!

[tinkerbellkj]

Wow. What a night!

 

Personally, I find what your friends did to be highly inappropriate. I am not a prude and my husband went to strip clubs for his bachelor party, however, I was obviously not present for this event. If I had to witness it I would have been extremely upset. However, your girlfriend should have said something before the stripper arrived. Personally, I think the entire thing was asking for trouble, and honestly, I think your friends knew that. Does your friend have an issue with your girlfriend or is just seeing things? I only ask because I know my husbands best friend was not to keen on me at first (they were the last two single ones of the group) and it took a while for him to 'warm up' to me.

 

Her violence is inexcusable, it is NOT okay to slap you because she is drunk and upset. If she was that upset about the stripper I am CERTAIN she knew she had a problem with it before the stripper arrived and she should have said something long before. How long ago was she aware of the stripper?

 

I see it from both sides and it just sounds like too much alcohol (a possible anger issue) and bad communication.

[FathomFear]

I agree with DN. This seemed like a comedy of errors. It's hard to pinpoint one thing or one person who is to "blame". I think a lack of maturity and experience is the common thread, though. There are learnings here for just about everyone involved.

 

However, I need to make a side comment about this one part of your post--

 

She said she was a little worried about me maybe being attracted to the stripper or realizing I was missing out on being single, and I told her that I would not be thinking about the stripper - I would be thinking about her because I love her very much and am very attracted to her.

 

I have to say that this made me chuckle out loud, as this is nothing other than placating someone's sense of insecurity. I would say that you need to keep an eye on this and call out your partner when she's being unreasonable, otherwise it could get out of control. Finding a stripper attractive, for example, does not mean you find her any less attractive. It's not a competition. Just be wary of the jealousy if it spirals out of control in other areas of your relationship; we see it all the times on these boards.

[thejigsup]

I think your gf was WAAAAY out of line. Your friends hired the stripper, not her, so she had no right to interrupt the show. Heck, I've hired strippers for some of my ex boyfriends b-day parties and my sister-in-law hired one for one her and my brother's anniversary parties. It's all harmless fun! Your gf sounds insecure and immature. I see big problems in your future.

[buddha55]

Youre girlfriend was 100% out of line. The stripper is an ENTERTAINER. She should understand this especially if she wants to be one... yes, it's sexually charged, but trust me (former stripper here) the stripper is not thinking of anything except dollar signs and making sure everyone is having a good time.

 

She did express that she was uncomfortable and maybe she would have been ok had she not been so drunk....BUT that doesn't excuse the behavior. And yes, it's fine that your friends organized a stripper. She has some definite trust issues and insecurities if she can't handle that while shes actually there... and also finding someone else attractive?? yeah... thats just normal. She is 20 and that sounds like typical 20 yr old issues.

 

She was right in standing up for herself, but not in how she did it.

[Princess123]

Your gf sounds very immature. She wants to be a dancer for moulin rouge? AND she is upset over a stripper? (Go ahead repeat this to yourself several times)

 

She said she had no problem with it, she doesn't have much of a right to be upset. On the other hand you have a gf and you should respect her, as most men don't think about it. So if she expressed I don't want her here, your not stuck between a rock and a hard place. WHY? It's your birthday and you have several friends there correct? They paid nearly $300 for that stripper? I'm sure one of them would of loved to sit in for you. You could of said okay I'll have the stripper entertain a friend and you can entertain me later. Deal?

 

Seems like there is a little more of underlying issue for her to blow up so excessively.

[Princess123]

Oh speculation theory

 

I think she only brought it up last minute was her testing you. The immature part plays in. She was expecting you, yes females think males can read their minds at times, to turn the stripper part down. You didn't so she tells you last minute she doesn't want the stripper and gets upset because by now your both too drunk to think straight.

[HeartGoesOn]

IMO, she reacted in a very immature and inappropriate manner. On the other hand, her insecurity may lead to some bigger problems down the road.

[DylanNotorious]

Your girlfriend has a lot of growing up to do. I think that if it would have been me, I would have been super pissed off, for ruining my birthday night.

[shuttlefish]

i will declare though - i have a huge problem with strippers per se, so i admit i'm biased, but the truth is if my g/f had a male stripper (or even just stood and watched one) that would be it for me. Over and out.

 

 

I've no big problem with strippers but I've got a huge problem with getting hit. My "over and out" line would be the hitting me part ...oh and the excessive drama as well. Everything else is pretty much negotiable.

[PhilliesFan001]

If I were dating this girl I'd be turned off by several things:

 

1. Her hitting you, she had absolutely no right to do that no matter how drunk

2. Interrupting your birthday party in such an embarrassing display when she could have talked to you privately before the stripper arrived or way before the party took place

3. Her insecurity over the stripper to begin with - although I know many will disagree with me here, I have really little patience with insecure SO's and I can almost guarantee it will cause problems again

4. Her completely dramatic, unnecessary overreaction - running down the street screaming, hitting you, crying, going to bed and then waking up and disappearing off again...I mean, gimme a break.

 

 

Your friends were absolute idiots to invite a stripper to a party your girlfriend would be attending, but the two of you should have had a proper conversation about the stripper and come to some sort of agreement on it. Of course that's not helpful now, but I have to say in light of qualities #1-4 I just listed, I would dump that girl so quick.

[Kalika]

20 year old females are funny creatures. They are not always mature enough to be able to SAY WHAT THEY NEED and will resort to hints and tantrums.

 

When she told you she was concerned about the stripper, what she REALLY wanted you to do was say "OK, honey, I will tell my friends to definitely NOT have a stripper there." But instead of just saying to you "strippers are beyond my boundaries" she instead waited until the last minute and threw a fit.

 

That being said, I don't consider myself to be a prude either, but if I saw some hot stripper (whose body I almost definitely would not be able to compete with) was all over my boyfriend, and he was drunk and not respecting the fact that I AM THERE IN THE AUDIENCE, I would be pretty darn pissed off, too.

 

I think you BOTH screwed up and owe each other apologies. In the future, you need to respect your relationship more. And you should both probably not drink, either.

 

It also sounds like she is manipulative in other ways which your friends are obviously picking up on, but that's another story ...

[capilot]

She does not get on with my friend who organized it because she feels he spends too much time with me and is therefore a threat to our relationship.

 

I'm guessing that this is the heart of the problem: The stripper wasn't the real issue. She's jealous of this guy, and the stripper would have been the icing on the cake!

 

...

 

Only you know the full back story to all this, but it seems that the whole incident is about a lot more than just your birthday party. You need to examine your whole relationship, and whether there is a lot of control here, and whether that's what you really want from a partner.

 

You certainly HAVE got a lot to think about!

 

I agree with this. Keep in mind that one of the things an abuser does is drive a wedge between the abusee and their friends and family. Any time your SO is trying to keep you from spending time with your friends, a HUGE alarm should be going off in your head.

 

The drama queen behavior is another red flag.

 

That being said, I don't consider myself to be a prude either, but if I saw some hot stripper (whose body I almost definitely would not be able to compete with) was all over my boyfriend, and he was drunk and not respecting the fact that I AM THERE IN THE AUDIENCE, I would be pretty darn pissed off, too.

 

I agree with this too. You knew she was uncomfortable with the whole thing, even if she didn't tell you how uncomfortable. It's one thing to tolerate a stripper at the party, but it's another to take part in the show. You were way out of line. You should have stayed in the back or better yet, left when your girlfriend did.

 

Lesson learned: Unless it's your girlfriend who actually hired the stripper, assume that she'll be hurt and insulted if you cavort with the stripper.

[OptomisticGirl]

You both were in the wrong.

 

You should not have allowed your friends to order a stripper at a party that your gf was going to be at. Highly disrespectful, especially since you knew she wasn't comfortable wit it. Would you be okay with witnessing another guy grind on her?

 

You were not a feeble child, you could have said no to your friends and the stripper pressuring you to go into the chair long enough to talk to your girlfriend. It would huave been over for me right there if I were her.

 

She should not have slapped you. Ever.

 

She should not hae waited until the last minute to say axe the stripper.

 

She should not have over reacted.

[Fudgie]

I can understand watching a stripper but if she didn't want you interacting with the stripper, then no, you shouldn't have let her do stuff to you. You should have just sat there and enjoyed the show.

 

On her side, she KNEW there would be a stripper and went anyway and then has a tantrum about it later. What did she think would happen? It's a stripper. They dance and stuff. She shouldn't have waited last minute and she waaayyy overreacted.

[buddha55]

it's a SHOW and an ACT. it's HIS birthday. It's pretty popular in our culture.

 

update?

[camus154]

Your girlfriend acted absolutely horribly. If she's anything less than utterly mortified and apologetic, you should consider letting her go.

 

The stripper doesn't matter. How she handled conflict does.

[relaxx]

I think both of us could have handled the situation better, I probably should have just gone with her when she expressed her concern and told me to stop the show(and I would have if I was sober) and told someone else to be the centre of attention. I do think however it was way too late and she should have told me way earlier as I cannot read her mind, and to be honest I thought it was generally acceptable in modern society for a 21st birthday to have a stripper...

 

She was paid to be there and it was a joking show to embarrass me if anything - I got walked around on a leash on my hands and knees and she whipped me with my own belt.

 

If she had told me at a reasonable amount of notice she was not comfortable with it, I would have been fine and would have told my friends to cancel it.

 

My girlfriend is a very attractive girl, she is a size 6 full time dancer with an amazing body so I don't think there was any reason to be intimidated, but I guess she has the right to be so. *

 

I know (and have said to her) that I agree that she was entitled to her opinion and to feel uncomfortable with it, but I do not think she has the right to throw a tantrum and create drama that put all the attention on her and ended my party prematurely.

 

We have a very good relationship, but I do think sometimes she throws tantrums to get her own way and I don't think she has handled this situation very maturely... *

 

This is why I told her I don't want to see her for a few days, but I think it's working against me if anything. I thought she would have come to her senses and realized she really was in the wrong with the way she behaved, but instead she has spoken to some of her friends who seem to agree with her... Whether they feel forced to or not because she is their friend... One actually said she should break up with me over this?!?!

 

I love her very much and care for her deeply so I really want to sort this out because I do see a great future for us, but I don't know what to do... Whether I should contact her or whether I should stick to my guns...

 

Thoughts?

[OptomisticGirl]

No, it is not generally accepted in society to have a stripper for your 21st brithday, especially at a party where your SO is. Now if this was an all guys party to celebrate you truning 21 fine - more power to you - but with the other sex there no, sorry, your buddies clearly showed a lack of judgement.

 

Did she not tell you before the party that she was uncomfortable with it or did I misread your OP?

 

Honestly? If you were my boyfriend yeah, I'd break up with you. You BOTH showed a severe lack of judgement in this, not just her. You said you were drunk and would have consoled her if you hadn't been drunk - perhaps she wouldn't have have thrown such a large tantrum if she wasn't drunk. Is it right for you to be able to use the 'I'm drunk' line to justify why you showed lack of judgement but she can't? You both need to admit you were in the wrong.

[DN]

I am troubled that so many people, including you relaxx, seem to be ignoring the violence and concentrating on what led up to it. I wonder if that would have happened had you been the one to slap her hard several times.