sognatrice Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 Hello everyone! My ex and I broke up in February and I haven't been able to completely cut contact for more than 12 days since then. I plead for about the first month, and slowly accepted being friends and now we are on generally good terms. He wavers from being really, really nice and open to frustrated when I bring up our relationship (when he seems super open about us getting back together, I get excited and try to bring it up fully and thus, jump the gun). We've been on generally good speaking terms. We still make each other laugh. He's told me he's missed our good times; he also said when he's on vacation alone (just got back recently) he says to himself, "I'd be having a much better time if she were here." I know for a fact he is not dating anyone else nor is he interested because he's working on his job right now. Would NC still be effective in our situation? I have to see him at a wedding in November and I'm thinking I should go full on NC until then. In your experience, do you think he might: 1. Contact me before then 2. Wonder where I went ? Also, I've lost about 15 lbs. of breakup weight since then, am working out regularly, got a raise and am happier than ever. I went through a period of DEEP depression after the break up and the death of a family member, but now I am doing excellent. My life is great and I've made positive changes. But I would love to have him in my life again! We dated for almost two years (practically lived together) and were planning to move in together in a whole new city when we broke up. He broke up with me over issues related to my depression and he has been a complete rock and very supportive of me ever since. I just pushed him to his limits (I pushed myself to my limit as well, but finally the storm clouds have broken and I am ecstatic). Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Airbag Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 Hey sognatrice, It's hard to say if NC is effective in your situation. Basically, NC is to heal yourself, and not an attempt for reconciliation (common misunderstanding). You say you're doing great, which is awesome! Just keep doing what you are doing right now, and eventually everything will work, whether it's with him or not. Best of luck, A Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sognatrice Posted September 6, 2011 Author Share Posted September 6, 2011 I know it is to heal myself, and I will come out stronger because of it. But I would be lying if I said I didn't want him to fall in love with me again! What do you suggest I do, beyond working on myself? Go complete NC until November? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Airbag Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 I suggest a minimum of three to four weeks of complete NC. It all depends on how insecure and needy you were acting before the breakup. Just keep working on yourself, and time will tell if you were meant to be together! A. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sognatrice Posted September 6, 2011 Author Share Posted September 6, 2011 I liked to talk to him daily before the breakup. I'm going to go until October... and then depending on how I feel, MAYBE send a quick "what's up?" e-mail. Good plan? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Airbag Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 Sending him an e-mail only gives him more control. Give him some space and act like you're perfectly fine with the breakup. This will create a "fear of loss" within him. Going NC will make him wonder what you're up to and probably will drive him crazy at some point. Let him be the one trying to contact you. This will put you in a much better position if you are trying to reconcile with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sognatrice Posted September 6, 2011 Author Share Posted September 6, 2011 I guess I'm just afraid he won't initiate contact! He's told me many times he would be the one to initiate, but he's quite happy being a lone wolf. He always has been, and doesn't have much need for companionship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Airbag Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 Ofcourse he's acting happy. He thinks he made the right decision, and at this point, I think he was right. He who cares least, controls the relationship! Show him he was wrong. Try the things I suggested, and I'm sure things will work out eventually. Best of luck, A. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superfox Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 I liked to talk to him daily before the breakup. I'm going to go until October... and then depending on how I feel, MAYBE send a quick "what's up?" e-mail. Good plan? Bad plan!!! You've lost weight since the break-up, get toned, get healthy, get to a gym, get a makeover, get some pampering, facials, spoil yourself. Do not allow yourself to contact him at all until you see each other at the wedding where you will look FANTASTIC! And hopefully by that time you'll be over him so it would be your decision alone if he wants to make a go of things again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sognatrice Posted September 6, 2011 Author Share Posted September 6, 2011 He's the type of guy that NEVER asks women out. All his long term relationships have been at the request of/initiated by women. He works from home and doesn't get out much and is not the type of guy to miss the company of a woman very oten. We spoke about this a couple of days ago, actually. He told me he never gets lonely for a woman to be in his life, not even before he gets into bed alone. He said he's always been very comfortable being alone because he's been living alone and on his own for 11 years now. So this is why I think he won't reach out! I'm not sure if he said that to look "tough" but it was my experience that when I wasn't around, he didn't initiate contact. It was usually me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Airbag Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 I'm in the same situation as you are right now. My ex is not contacting me at all, even after 2 months. Remember that not every person is the same, and it can even take years for them to initiate contact. Stay calm, try to get back your confidence and move on. The ball is in his court now. A. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sognatrice Posted September 6, 2011 Author Share Posted September 6, 2011 Sorry to hear that! What happened between you two, if you don't mind me asking? I hope it all works out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thelastsong Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 He's the type of guy that NEVER asks women out. All his long term relationships have been at the request of/initiated by women. He works from home and doesn't get out much and is not the type of guy to miss the company of a woman very oten. We spoke about this a couple of days ago, actually. He told me he never gets lonely for a woman to be in his life, not even before he gets into bed alone. He said he's always been very comfortable being alone because he's been living alone and on his own for 11 years now. So this is why I think he won't reach out! I'm not sure if he said that to look "tough" but it was my experience that when I wasn't around, he didn't initiate contact. It was usually me. You can look for reasons to contact him, but at this point from what I can see, you've been friendzoned/back-up-planned. He can get all your emotional support and ego-stroking without any of the commitment. What motivation does he have to start a relationship with you again? If you want a relationship with him, start acting like it. Tell him you still have feelings for him, you need time to think about things and heal, and then cut contact. You're letting him take complete control of the situation. If he really wants to be with you again, he'll be there after a month or two of NC. Most people on here are just going to keep telling you to go NC whether you listen to them or not. I know it's hard, but it's for your own good. NC is not to force his hand and make him come crying back. It's to get your life reorganized. Your old relationship didn't work. If you want to be with him again, it's going to have to be an entirely new relationship, starting from the beginning. It's also going to be more difficult for him to notice positive changes you've made if you're always there. A gradual change over time is not very noticeable. If you disappear for two months and reappear as a more confident, positive person? That's another story. Seriously. Go NC. He has you on a leash right now, and he's perfectly fine with that. Don't let him tug you around. Take back control of your life. Men would rather have a woman who is independent and doesn't take orders in the long run. Anything less is just a toy, fun to have around but ultimately "just a good friend." (This does apply vice versa, by the way.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Airbag Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 Just had little arguments all the time, which eventually led her to breaking up with me after 3 1/2 years. I'm okay with it though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sognatrice Posted September 6, 2011 Author Share Posted September 6, 2011 Good advice! I don't necessarily agree that if he wants a relationship in 1 to 2 monts of NC he'll come running back. It might take longer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thelastsong Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 Good advice! I don't necessarily agree that if he wants a relationship in 1 to 2 monts of NC he'll come running back. It might take longer. I don't think he'll come running back. My point is that if he still cares about you, not hearing from you for a few months won't change that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Airbag Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 Hell, he might never come back. After a few months of NC, you'll be much stronger than now. Maybe you don't even want him back by then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sognatrice Posted September 6, 2011 Author Share Posted September 6, 2011 I just signed on because I want to tell him one last time how I feel, and that I cannot be friends and need to be alone. I'll let you know how he responds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 Most people on here are just going to keep telling you to go NC whether you listen to them or not. I know it's hard, but it's for your own good. NC is not to force his hand and make him come crying back. It's to get your life reorganized. Your old relationship didn't work. If you want to be with him again, it's going to have to be an entirely new relationship, starting from the beginning. Don't tell him again how you feel. He knows. It is this behaviour that will hamper getting back together. You are appearing needy, even if you don't want to. Doing nothing to contact him isn't giving him the power -- it is keeping it for yourself. Stay strong. Aim for November. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sognatrice Posted September 6, 2011 Author Share Posted September 6, 2011 Ok, I chickened out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Airbag Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 Good, get yourself together before you initiate contact. I agree with mhowe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 Thank God. Don't get in touch with him. You've got to change the dynamic of the relationship if it is to work --- and being in contact, or aiming at daily contact will not work. Just keep doing what you're doing. You don't have to worry about him starting anything with some one else --- put him on the back burner of your mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sognatrice Posted September 6, 2011 Author Share Posted September 6, 2011 Honestly, I have no worries of him starting anything with anyone else. I know he's not interested in dating for a while. I'm just afraid he isn't interested in dating ME either! I was always in shape and really dressed well/took care of myself, but the breakup and death of my family member and miscarriage killed me. I gained weight and fell into depression very deeply... but once he sees me he will definitely go "wow" Thanks for being so much help, you guys. Hug!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CMS Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 Honestly, I have no worries of him starting anything with anyone else. I know he's not interested in dating for a while. I'm just afraid he isn't interested in dating ME either! I was always in shape and really dressed well/took care of myself, but the breakup and death of my family member and miscarriage killed me. I gained weight and fell into depression very deeply... but once he sees me he will definitely go "wow" Thanks for being so much help, you guys. Hug!! Well I dont like your plan of NC for 1 month then initiate contact again, in my experience, almost all of those similar plans fails because you are just counting down to the days that you can contact him again and he will magically say yes. Like mhowe said, he holds all cards right now there is a power imbalance, and like most relationship dynamics, the more you push, they more they will run away. Its best that you stop contacting him for the time being (dont set a hard deadline, do it till you are ready), reflect back to your relationship, figure out why it failed, work on your neediness issue, this would preparing you for a better future, with him or with someone new. Good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sognatrice Posted September 6, 2011 Author Share Posted September 6, 2011 Yeah, I'm going to hold off until I absolutely have to see him. That's probably the best plan. We'll be hanging around for the whole week practically (destination wedding) so there's plenty of time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.thumb.jpg.a7437edbcaa5924fb077b36bf6653986.jpg)
.thumb.jpg.619cbf9ada685acba712967edfb3e7aa.jpg)
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.