Geniver Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 So I was married for a week short of 13 years..I am 42 and he will be 40 in ***. A week before our wedding anniversary he left while I was in school..got a babysitter for the youngest child (we have 3) AND JUST BAILED. I call my best friend in tears and we spend two hours talking about it. She lives in my building downstairs from me and we are all over at each others house all the time and all our kids grew up together. So 2 days before our anniversary he calls and says he has no place to go and can he crash at *****"s house? Would I be mad at her for letting him....Thursday Sept 1st was our anniversary, he spent it at her house....but called me to ask if I was ok.... Friday morning comes, ONE WEEK after he leaves, she comes up to the house to tell me that they have feelings for each other and were going to be a thing...and that I deserved the respect as her friend( * * * ?) for her to tell me to my face that they were now going out....Today they go to a Labor Day BBQ and invite my adult child and her husband, my husband being her stepdad....no one calls to invite me(I would not have gone )or the little children(I would not have let them go). In short the now ex and the former best friend , want to combine our families and be one big freeking happy thing...and I am supposed to allow this? Does anyone else think that this is not moral? I cannot do the NC thing because I am in school and he comes to the house twice a day to pick up and drop off the youngest child so that I can stay in my own school. I have told him I will not prevent him from doing his dad things , but I do not want the kids being at her house or in her company. It is hard to enforce this because our kids are all still friends and I do not want to say" no you cannot play with *** because his mother is a * * * * * .." What do I do? How can I let the kids have their friendship....how do I keep this from happening? Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 UGH.... I'm so sorry... this is terribly painful and what an XXX this guy is for expecting you to just 1) accept that your marriage is over and 2) throw it in your face its with your best friend. I'm sorry to say that you are unable to dictate where he stays and who he exposes the kids to unless there is obvious abuse. I know its killing you inside but it would be best to be polite but you by no means have to invite those two into your home and act all giddy about it. I know this is of little comfort now but I imagine in 2 to 3 years this relationship won't still be standing and this woman will come to you for comfort and understanding... its just the way these things usually work. Choose your boundaries but choose them carefully as you have young children who need to see that despite how mommy and daddy don't love each other anymore they still love them very very much. My dad's current wife went through something very similar with her first husband and she was an absolute wreck... well she got herself together as painful and horrible as it was and moved on... her first husband and her ex best friend did eventually divorce... he's not got much in this world and his kids don't do much with him but she has gone above and beyond and now welcomes him into her home every xmas eve (mostly out of pitty.) She's had a great life - went on to have two more wonderful husbands and so can you! Again, I'm so terribly sorry. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 I agree with everything Cats said. I only want to add, get a good lawyer and take your asshat soon to be ex husband for every cent he has. Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 welcome to enotalone. sorry about the circumstances that brought you here. well isn't that nice - your ex as of one week and your ex-best friend want to form a great big happy family, just like the brady bunch?!!! ughhh!!!!! I am so sorry. I would be so angry. personally? I would hire the meanest lawyer tomorrow. Link to comment
Geniver Posted September 6, 2011 Author Share Posted September 6, 2011 If our children were not friends I could limit her contact with my whole family...but I am not going to punish the kids...the girls can meet their friend in a neutral setting (after school program) and I expect them to be polite to her, even though the 13 year old already told her off ( how can you want to be friend with me when you stole my dad and wrecked my family) . I refuse to allow them in her house or at any event to which she is invited. I have to let them see their dad with those boundaries only...no pick up when she is there , no events with her. I personally only speak to him when it directly involves the kids He still has the keys to my house only because there is an hours difference between when I leave and when the 8 year old goes to school, and I do not want her waiting out side for an hour. I put a password on the computer so he cannot snoop, the the most I have said to him in a week is "there is coffee on the counter, make sure you lock the door." I have not seen or spoken to her since the day I threw her * * * * * self out of my house. I can legally forbid him to bring the kids around her (I spoke to an attorney today) because she is the other partner in an adulterous affair , and co- defendant in our divorce ( adultery and alienation of his affections). but other than that I do not know how far I can keep things separate . How do you do NC in this situation...be brief , be polite, always look good, make him wonder how things are with me but never tell him anything....how to I get over the BETRAYAL of both my husband(he still is) and my best friend( who as stupid as she is right now is an amazing and loving person , whom I miss)? How do I move forward from this? Link to comment
Geniver Posted September 6, 2011 Author Share Posted September 6, 2011 we are all poor . he has no assets and what he took with him fit in a plastic bag and a small grocery box....I will receive no alimony or child support because he is on Disability Social Security. I do not care about the money. Me and the kids do well enough , we eat every day and the rent is paid..I want nothing from him except my freedom. Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 I think that since this happened a week ago, it's still very early, and you are in shock. You don't have to make all these decisions today!! And I don't blame the 13 year old at all for being mad. I think just take things day by day, it will work out. And as you just pointed out, the kids themselves might decide where they want to/don't want to spend their time, you might not need a court order at all! Link to comment
Geniver Posted September 6, 2011 Author Share Posted September 6, 2011 sorry about the language..I will be more carefull Link to comment
Mauxly Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 Do you suspect that any of this started prior to the separation? Link to comment
Geniver Posted September 6, 2011 Author Share Posted September 6, 2011 I had no idea . I hope that they were not having an affair, but they may have been having an emotional affair for a minute. I hope they were not sleeping together, because after 13 years and 3 kids who is going to use condoms? I have already scheduled a physical and an HIV test... We have had some problems but infidelity was never one of them. She was the one who always told me to give him another chance, that he loved me and we were meant to be together...they day she came to my house, she said she loved me like her sister but that she could not help how she felt. He denies everything and tells me it is no longer my business. She feels remorse but will not give him up.. I know I am not the only person in the world who has had this happen to them. I personally feel more grief over the loss of my friend than I do at the loss of my husband, even though at this point it seems she was not really my friend at all...but I loved her , and she was my best friend, and he was my husband ....I do not want to be with a cheater or a liar..and I feel that if someone does not want to be with you, you cannot make them love you or want to be with you...it is not that you can "WIN" or make things so unpleasant for them that hey HAVE to come home...who wants that... But the betrayal, that is killing me .... Link to comment
Geniver Posted September 8, 2011 Author Share Posted September 8, 2011 I am finding it hard to deal with him on a mature level , when I just want to know his teeth down his neck.... And it does not help that when he comes to get the girls we usually end up fighting ..This man is up. On the one hand he will pick fights with me , and this thing with my friend, but on the other hand he will go to the pharmacy to pick up my inhalers while I am at school, because our fight made me cough and wheeze( I have chronic and stress related asthma). on the one hand he is a total to me , and then the very next minute he is doing something nice like that. They were just sitting on my chair when I got home. Love sucks...especially when you are in love and they are not.... Link to comment
Geniver Posted September 8, 2011 Author Share Posted September 8, 2011 I feel that I was unjustly edited and marked for an infraction...I used symbols and in no way used a fully spelled bad word...this is a site where people are supposed to talk about there feelings.yet I cannot spell word using symbols. I came to get advice and vent...but maybe I will choose a different forum to do so..... Link to comment
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