dumped after a three year relationship

[ellene728]

Hi, I am new to this forum and desperate for advice. I am 20 and my ex boyfriend is 22, we had been dating for three years and living together for a year and a half. He has mood instability and I'm pretty sure he is bipolar. Most of the time he is the most loving amazing person in the world and the rest of the time I don't even know how to deal with him...we have gotten through so many issues in our past together, mainly him cheating on me in the beginning of our relationship, and me developing a drug problem. we helped each other through our problems and fixed our relationship. Because we got through it all, i figured we could get through anything. i've been in love before but nothing like this, i thought he was my soul mate and that we would get married. I am aware he has issues from his childhood that have caused him to have some emotional problems but i was always willing to help him work through it. anyways, this is what happened. last week, when he was going through his facebook messages in front of me, i saw that his ex girlfriend had messaged him but i didn't bring it up for fear of causing drama in case it was nothing to worry about. this ex gf has caused problems for us in the past and i really don't like her. anyways, he left his facebook open on my computer and i know i shouldn't have, but i read the message from her and my heart dropped when I read that he was telling her that our relationship was monotonous and that i wasn't stimulating enough. I also found him messaging another girl who I dislike telling her he "misses her." When he came home from work that night i confronted him and ended it, telling him i couldn't trust him. He got defensive and mad, telling me I had breeched his trust for reading his messages and that HE was breaking up with ME. I was so angry and hurt.

 

the next day, our group of friends had plans to go to a concert together and I really didn't want to go and be with him but his sister (who is also my best friend) convinced me to go. at the concert, he had a couple beers and told me he was sorry for everything and that he understood why i went through his messages and why i was upset and that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me because i'm such an amazing girlfriend. He told me he thought we could get through this and rebuild our trust for one another and he asked me to be his girlfriend again. I agreed, and was thrilled he wanted to work on things. we had fun the rest of the day at the concert and snuggled all night.

 

the next morning, he asked me to go on a drive with him to talk, and he broke up with me. he said he changed his mind and that this time it was really over. that was two days ago and i am absolutely devastated...i feel like I'm the only one who is responding to a breakup this way. I literally cannot eat, sleep, or function. I've been hysterically crying at my mom's house and throwing up, literally getting sick from anxiety and depression. I am utterly heartbroken. He was my other half, warmed my feet at night and took care of me when I'm sick. He cuddled me when I was sad and bought me flowers for no reason. I am in excruciating pain and feel like it will never end, the only thing that comforts me is thoughts of him calling me saying he wants me back, which i know is not going to happen. I feel like crawling into a hole and dying, someone please help me out i feel like there is a huge hole in my heart that will never be filled and every time i close my eyes i see his face and hear his voice. I miss him so much, I don't even know how to sleep alone.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. He's awfully manipulative. He left that page open on your computer to find. He set you up so he could go all indignant on you for reading it--and that would be his excuse for the breakup.

 

He told you a bunch of garbage at the concert to see if you'd still go back to him if he wanted.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I hope you'll reach for a bit of anger instead of idolizing this guy so much. He's no saint.

[ellene728]

I keep trying to feel angry, and I think of all the things he did wrong and I feel angry for about a minute and then I'm back to missing him and being sad. it's been three days now and I haven't stopped crying, my head feels like its going to explode and I still can't eat. I still love him even with his flaws and I can't help waiting for his call...i know it's pathetic

[ellene728]

I posted a thread a couple days ago and only got one response,

[Imthatguy]

It seems to me that you're extremely depressed which is perfectly normal after a breakup in a long term relationship. I know how hard it is when your every waking thought is stuck on this. You will be fine, I gaurentee it. You got along before he came along and you will learn to again as well.

 

Start off by forcing yourself to eat enough, it's brutal I know (been there too), but your body needs energy to function properly. Start getting regular sleep, don't allow yourself to oversleep and force yourself to bed to maintain regularity. Once those stabalize you can start working on getting the rest of your life in order. You'll find intially that you might have to force yourself to get things done, your mind might not be in it right now but eventually it will pass.

 

Just judging by your first paragraph this guy is not good for you, you're significantly better off without him and that will make recovering from it a lot easier.

[ellene728]

I am just so sad because of all the change and because I miss him so much...for two years i had someone to sleep with and wake up with, someone to shower with, someone to take 3AM trips to the drugstore with, and now i feel horribly alone and have moved back in with my mom. i feel like i have backtracked so much, i was so happy living in my own apartment and having him stay there, cooking for him and everything. getting excited when he came home from work and snuggling all the time. i feel like i've had the rug pulled from underneath me...i keep thinking of all the sweet pet names he would call me, all the small thoughtful surprises

[DN]

I posted a thread a couple days ago and only got one response,

Moderator Note: Hi, ellene728. It is against the rules to post duplicate threads on the forum so I merged them. I have also made this a sticky on the front page for a while hopefully, you will get a few more responses.

[Imthatguy]

Of course those are the things you miss. Focus on what you don't miss, the cheating & the manipulation. Because you can find the things you miss in someone else, without the things you don't miss. I think this is why your therapist would have you write an angry letter. So that you can focus on the bad things and help to see why this relationship was unhealthy. Everytime you think of something you miss think of something that you don't miss and how you won't have to deal with it again.

[ellene728]

I am just so devastated...can't imagine being with anyone else. I dont understand why he would tell me all those nice things at the concert only to dump me the next morning? if he wanted to end things why didn't he just let me end it when I did, instead of giving me all this hope and comfort for the future? and why would he text me yesterday with some random irrelevant information about school after no contact since the day he dumped me? i can't read him and I'm so hurt and confused. last week I thought I had found the person i would be spending my life with, and I had an awesome apartment that I had worked so hard to decorate. I had created a home and now all those things have been shattered I feel like I don't have a home anymore...staying at my mom's is nice because she is there to take care of me but the house is being all packed up since my dad had an affair and she filed for divorce and it just feels very lonely

[1m50L0nl3y]

Remember you dumped him first for a very valid reason, a reason he couldn't deny as the evidence was there for you to see it. So your first reaction of ending things was the correct one. Whatever a person says under the influence of alcohol is not true. Guys when drinking get horny and say all sort of BS to get into your pants. While you are feeling miserable he might be out there having fun with his ex or the other girl..

I recommed you to read this book It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken

(I'm a guy and I read it is very good) and here is a website where they have quoted the book link removed

[SpottiOtti]

Hi, Ellene. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I know exactly where you are right now. I think everyone has to go through that one excruciating breakup in their lives, to learn how strong and capable we really can be. Imthatguy is right when he says you will get along without him eventually. I know right now you feel like he has changed your life forever, and that you can never go back to being who you were before you met him. Sometimes us women lose our identities in relationships - forget who we are and what we need, and focus only on the needs of our partners. We drive our friends away, forgo activities we like in favor of activities that are important to him, etc.

 

Your task now is to discover who you are on your own, without him. Once you do that, you will begin to feel stronger. Who are you? What is important to you? What is unique about you? What was your favorite CD back when you were single? Listen to it. Who was your go-to friend for going shopping? Call her. What did you used to do when you were single? Do it. Take long walks with your i-pod and think. Go to the gym if you've got a membership; if not, working out is a great way to release stress, and you may want to consider getting one.

 

And be nice to yourself right now. Take care of yourself. Give yourself a mani-pedi. Go to the beach or a park. Buy yourself some Godiva chocolates. Cry when you need to, and eventually you'll notice that there are stretches between the crying, but that you feel like a heavy stone is in your stomach. This is okay. It will pass. Just sit with it. I promise you that stone will go away eventually.

 

And for God's sake don't talk to this guy anymore. Strict No-Contact (NC). You'll hear a bunch of people on this forum trumpeting its importance, and they are exactly right. Everytime you talk to him, it will hurt you and set back your recovery. So don't give him the chance to do that. I know it will be hard. You have to find strength to do it, and you may not have that strength right now. That's perfectly okay. But eventually you will, maybe in a couple weeks or so. And then it really is a good idea to go NC.

 

Sending you virtual hugs. Write a ton if it helps.

 

Spotti

[turnera]

You're still really young and you have a whole world of other men out there to meet and 'try on' to see what kind of guy is a good match for you. Consider this a learning experience so you'll know how to pick better guys in the future. Your whole life is just one big learning curve, so be grateful you got out intact. Spend some time bonding with your mom and get better together. Focus on your school (I assume you're in college? If not, GO, so you don't end up in dead end, low-paying jobs your whole life), and rebuild your group of friends with some new friends, and enjoy your 20s!

[Tryptophan]

Regarding the first thing you said about his mood: do not pathologize his behavior. Bipolar disorder has a very different diagnosis than what most people think but many of us want to diagnose our exes trying to justify the things they do to us. And let me tell you what? It's not justifiable. I know that you love him, and you must be in pain, but you have to understand whatever happened was for the best.

 

The day you broke up with him you knew why you were doing it. You just weren't expecting him to turn the situation around and tell you that he was breaking up with you. So let's leave the first breakup as mutual. This guy couldn't be dumped simply because he has too much pride to accept that you were actually making a decision for yourself. Remind yourself of the reasons why you were breaking up with him that day. They haven't changed. If you keep telling yourself you miss him and focus on what your heart wants, you're never gonna get out of this situation. Focus on the rationale and benefit of being out of it.

 

Why would you want him back? Why are you even expecting that to happen? He clearly didn't respect you (look at what he told the other girls), he's unstable and insecure, he is indecisive, and you cannot keep letting him control your life. Whatever good he did to you he undid with the negative stuff he did to you. How many times did he breakup with you? Why do you need that in your life? Why do you need to check on a 'boyfriend'? What happened to trust and respect?

 

And all this stuff about you not being able to eat? FORCE yourself to do it. FORCE yourself to focus. You're depressed and anxious then do something to alleviate your mood. Unless you have been diagnosed with MDD or MDE, it's just a mood not a disorder, so there's no reason why you should be self-handicapping. Go to gym! Run! Eat! Give yourself an amount of days in which you are allowed to pity yourself but life goes on.

 

I've felt like crap since the breakup but it has not affected my normal life ONE BIT. Why? Because even though I wanted to starve myself to death, not sleep, and just cry myself for days until I fell asleep, I knew there was something to live for. Why would I stay home and devalue my own life over some guy that wasn't even worth it?

 

Think about it.

 

 

 

 

What happened to YOU?

 

Where is you in this picture? It all seems like you were there to satisfy his needs and you were happy with it because you were being selfless. Now it's time to find yourself.

 

Be selfish for once and worry about yourself.

[WindowTo]

Hey ellene.

 

Like you I feel like I have a hole in my heart. I felt like I met the one and at the end it seems she did not love me back or think highly enough of me to stick with it through the times. Like you, I have tried to be angry and resolve the blame in all directions but I just go back to missing her with overwhelming feelings of love. And on top of that we only were together for 6 months, and that was 3 years ago! Of course I have learned to deal with these emotions and am fully capable of being happy and making other emotions inclusive to these occassional thoughts. However, there is a difference between our situations. That is that I do not feel that this guy deserves you or that he is an especially admirable person. You have made a lot of excuses for his behavior and issues, but the truth is that there is a cause for EVERYONE'S wrong doings. If we do not hold people to the standard of their own behavior just because we are aware of the cause then we are blind to their intentions no matter what they do. My past still haunts me because I had very little to blame on her, and she got out of the thing basically looking like a saint which makes it very difficult to move along but most people hear about your situation and feel a sense of relief in concert with sympathy for you. So just know that time will be a great friend to you here, let the pain come and address it, but keep in mind the future and how amazing it will be to be able to think of this and still be able to turn around and smile.

[Staple]

He's just a bad person, and you're not. Trust me, many of us on these forums have experienced the same. My ex, after cheating on me non-stop, I still didn't dump her. We were working things out, but the second she met someone else, she did it all over again.

 

What I'm saying is, it might hurt now but you're better off! There are some truly bad people out there, and your boyfriend was CLEARLY one of them. You're free...