Dating question about shy person with traumatic past

[relm]

Hi, I am shy and a trauma survivor but am looking to date. There is someone I met online that I'm interested in and she's interested in me as well but we're in the very early stages. She is asking what do I want in a relationship. I don't want to scare her off by letting her know I've had a traumatic past but it will become obvious quite soon because I have trouble with trust and being vulnerable. One really great thing about her is that she makes me feel at ease and we can easilly talk for hours - that is very unusual for me. I really do want to date her, but anyway, I'm not sure how to proceed with someone, be honest with them, but not scare them away by revealing too much too soon. She's very nice and I'd like it to work out, but am I asking too much of her to give me a lot of patience?

 

Thanks.

[vacation]

why bring up your past when there's absolutely no reason to? She's not your therapist.

Instead of focusing the attention on yourself and your so called "traumatic experience" just go out and enjoy your afternoon with her and making the date about her for a change.

 

Hi, I am shy and a trauma survivor but am looking to date. There is someone I met online that I'm interested in and she's interested in me as well but we're in the very early stages. She is asking what do I want in a relationship. I don't want to scare her off by letting her know I've had a traumatic past but it will become obvious quite soon because I have trouble with trust and being vulnerable.

 

Her question was what you want out of this relationship. Not what you got out of your past relationships!

 

What if you met somebody for the first time and the whole afternoon they just kept telling you stuff they were bad at, hated, and had terrible experiences with. what would your opinion be of that person?

[Iloveshyguys]

I personally think that you should be honest and open with her, and tell her as much as you're comfortable with right now. She'll be much more likely to be patient with you, if she understands why there is that need.

 

It's not asking too much for her to give you more patience, b/c it's something that you really do need.

 

The right woman WILL give you the time that you need.

[giubilante]

I've had trauma myself in the past (sexual) that coloured my view of men and relationships. It took me a long while before I felt I could trust. Then, I met this guy online. He was kind, considerate, and immensely easy to talk with. Gradually, I revealed more and more of myself, eventually including the abuse as well. I couldn't have done a more intelligent thing. Far from shying off (as I feared he might), this man listened to me, cared for me, loved me, and has helped me heal.

 

My advise from all of this is: Don't be too frightened to share. The potential rewards are huge, and the risk is low. If this person honestly cares for you, they will listen, sympathize, and be there for you as you share.

 

Also, without getting into the nity gritty details of things... can you simply tell her (or email her) the barest facts, and simply tell her you will need understanding and space?

[giubilante]

I've had trauma myself in the past (sexual) that coloured my view of men and relationships. It took me a long while before I felt I could trust. Then, I met this guy online. He was kind, considerate, and immensely easy to talk with. Gradually, I revealed more and more of myself, eventually including the abuse as well. I couldn't have done a more intelligent thing. Far from shying off (as I feared he might), this man listened to me, cared for me, loved me, and has helped me heal.

 

My advise from all of this is: Don't be too frightened to share. The potential rewards are huge, and the risk is low. If this person honestly cares for you, they will listen, sympathize, and be there for you as you share.

 

Also, without getting into the nity gritty details of things... can you simply tell her (or email her) the barest facts, and simply tell her you will need understanding and space?

[relm]

Thanks for the very helpful advise.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I wouldn't push too much of your past history on her too soon. You can let it out in segments when the time seems appropriate. As the one poster said, you don't want to spend all of your initial time together spilling everything that's wrong with you. Ghandi couldn't get a second date if that's the way it worked. Don't hide it, but don't dwell on it either. It will come up in it's own time.

 

As far as answering what you want in a relationship, well, the same applies. You want trust and honesty and compassion and all the normal stuff. Generally, you need to show someone your good qualities first, and then be open about your less than perfect aspects as time and appropriate segues come along.