My Ex's personal belongings - debate about what to do with them...

[Tussin]

Hello,

 

OK so my ex broke up with me 4 weeks ago, after she had moved to a different state, and I was only 2 days away from flying out there to see her. She had left a lot of her personal belongings at my place, and when I flew out I was supposed to bring with a number of the more important things. And some of these things are indeed important (to her).

 

Well Now I have about 4 big boxes of stuff sitting in my living room. She meanwhile told me she would send me money to ship her stuff to her, but for 3 weeks now, she keeps coming up with an excuse why she didnt. She forgot my address, or didnt have a stamp, lame stuff like that. I think she wants to stay connected with me, and that is why she isnt in a hurry to tie up these loose ends.

 

Meanwhile I have to take a stand because othewise this is going to drag on.

 

One friend told me that for $100 I should just send her stuff so I can just be done with it. Maybe she will repay me, maybe she wont.

 

Another friend told me to tell her she has 30 days to make arrangements, otherwise the stuff gets sent to the Salvation Army.

 

I am open to the possibility of getting back together with her some time down the line, but it will have to be under different terms, where I dont feel like I am being treated like a door mat. My first friend tells me that if I give her an ultimatum, it is unlikely she would ever come around again.

 

So what do you suggest?

[Princess123]

Don't worry about the relationship, she is in another state and broke up with you for one reason or another.

 

The stuff? I agree with e-mailing her (proof) that she has 30 days to send money for you to send her things. If she doesn't then you will feel its not that much of importance to her and will be donating them.

[RelaxByWater84]

I would print out the email as well as sending it to her so that way she can't say she didn't get it. I would also print and save an emails she sends back to you. Definitely have a paper trail in case things progress to court, not saying it will but it can happen. That way you have covered yourself. I would also keep a log of the calls you and she make about her stuff that you have in case it comes to court.

[DN]

If you can afford the $100 then mail it back.

[Staple]

Wow I can't believe you actually suggested he spend his own money to send back the belongings of a girl who dumped him! 2 days before he was going to see her! Just call her and tell her she has 30 days to send you the money to send them, or you will have to take them to the Salvation Army/throw them out.

[DN]

The most sensible thing to do after a break-up is to avoid drama. Demanding this or that will create a whole lot of drama you can better live without. Spending the $100 may be a small price to pay for closure and the ability to move on without having to go through a whole lot of nonsense with her.

[mybunnyslipperz]

I also agree that you should email her and let her know she has 30 days to send you the money to ship the items. If the money is not sent/received within 30 days then you will have no choice but to "DISPOSE" of the items as you see fit. She needn't know if you're going to throw them out or donate them or take them out back and burn them. Be sure to specify whether she has to send the money within 30 days or if the money must be RECEIVED by you within 30 days - if she sends it on day 29 and it takes 3 days to reach you, there could be a HUGE problem! This will require a little work on your part though, as you'll have to give her an exact amount she'll have to pay, which means taking the boxes down to the post office/UPS/FedEx and finding out how much they'll cost to ship them. By giving her an exact amount, it will show her that you've done your part by finding out how much it will cost to ship them and that you are serious about your request to collect the money so you can send the stuff.

[Tussin]

You know..

 

So I am already out the cost of a plane ticket. And now with the shipping costs.. I just dont like it. Since she broke up with me in order to get back together with her ex (by the way that was real short lived so I hear.) I'm thinking I was used in a rebound relationship for months and I am continuing to be used with every interaction I have with this girl. Considering that I could have married this girl, I guess $100 is a small price to pay to be able to walk away cleanly. But how will that play out down the line? Especially if we do have contact in the future. She will always think of me as that reliable pud who she can use. The guy with no self-respect. The door mat. Or will she stop and say.. jeez I have been completely awful to the sweetest guy I've ever met. This is the debate I had with my friend last night.

 

DN I would like to hear more from you about this since you and my friend from last night are of the same opinion it seems.

[Tired Tiger]

Don't over-analyze what she may or may not think about this. Unless you send her a video of you burning all her stuff in a celebratory bonfire, this action (returning her things) will be mostly irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. Just get it over with.

 

I agree with sending her things back to her - and there's also the option of sending it C.O.D. (collection on delivery).

[learning2relax]

Send the things back. Donating them just sounds spiteful.

[luminousone]

I say spend the money and send the items back. And then ask her for reimbursement. She may just do that, but if she doesn't then let it go and know that you dodged a bullet...

[Tussin]

An Update: I got a check in the mail today for my canceled plane ticket. The note was very brief.. "Sorry I took so long. Hugs to you."

 

Here I thought I was going to be strung along forever and toyed with.

 

OK well, I have not even responded to say that I got this letter yet. But it appears that she isnt all games here. So should I briefly tell her that I got the letter? Then the next thing would be to send her stuff to her, I guess... What do you suggest?

 

Thanks

[asty]

I agree with sending the items back. Money is money man. You think it shows that you are a doormat. It just shows that you are willing to spend it to get her out of your life. And that's ballsy.

 

My ex and I had really close birthdays and broke up a week after them...together 4 years. I threw her gift to me in the back of her car when I was moving her out. Still unopened in the box. A few days later she asked me to meet her so she could return my gift to her (iPad 2). I told her I didn't need it back or need to see her. She said she couldn't keep it. I told her she should donate it then. I know she still has it. Just like my insane number of college sweatshirts she didn't return with the rest of my stuff (not her school and I'm an insane football fan). I know she still has them and I think it's funny.

 

I feel good about it at 1.5 months. I'd pay another $500 right now to feel more clean of her, but lucky for me that's free with time.

[Tussin]

Well here is an update.. and a couple of questions...

 

The check for the airfare cleared. And I had all of her belongings boxed up and in my car ready to go. Friday she started texting me as she usually has.. just breadcrumbs that dont seem to go anywhere. i did reply to tell her I got the check. But I got fed up by her breadcrumb texting and decided to just mail her stuff back to her... Now these issues are off the table at least. I sent along a little note that said I hoped she was doing well and figured she would want these things sooner rather than later.

 

But here's the questions.. I really dont have a clear idea of why we broke up. Is that important? And also I never sent her a note that said I was fine with the breakup and maybe we could be friends at some point. Should I have done that when I sent the stuff, and should I send her a short letter that says that, now that we are 5 weeks post breakup?

 

She will probably receive the stuff towards the end of this week...

[Guest]

On the other hand... you can threaten to donate but keep it in storage or something just in case. I would send it though. 100$ isn't much to get her out of your life. When I broke up with my ex I left a bunch of stuff with him. I had no place to live as I moved around a lot (different countries) and so he kept some of my stuff. Sentimental and whatnot. In the end I told him he could do what he pleased with it. Throw it out if he wanted. I wouldn't hold it against him if he did. It was no longer so important to me and I could live without it.

[Tussin]

I already did mail everything to her on Friday. Im interested to see if her texting continues once she receives it.

 

I hear a lot about No Contact, but I am wondering, at what point, if she texts me again and again, would I break the no-contact if it seems like she is looking for a reconciliation?

[rising phoenix]

Breadcrumb texting suggests she doesn't want to be completely open and honest with you. She broke it off with you before you could even come to the same state as her. My guess is she has met someone there, maybe an old flame, and she didn't want any dramas made by you turning up. She has her stuff, and you got a refund on the airfare. Your out of pocket for sending the boxes, and I doubt she will send you the money for it. If you come accross any more stuff of hers, maybe you can leave it with a friend or family member of hers who lives nearby? You admit she uses you. Hopefully that's not the kind of relationship you wish to develop. Forget about her and move on.

[Tussin]

She sends me the oddest texts of photos of her with a sad "I am crying inside" look on her face, with the words "Im all messed up inside". But no offering of an explanation or an apology for her behavior.

[tommytoxen]

I burned my ex's stuff.

[learning2relax]

She sends me the oddest texts of photos of her with a sad "I am crying inside" look on her face, with the words "Im all messed up inside". But no offering of an explanation or an apology for her behavior.

 

Let her struggle. If she struggles enough, she might find a away out of her own pain and misery. In the end it is best for everyone involved. Take care of yourself.

 

Nicely done on sending her things back.....I feel that it is the right decision. It is the best way to handle things with the most maturity. Stay on that high road. No one wants regrets to set them back.

[Tussin]

So.. I didnt tell her to expect a bunch of packages yet.. They are actually going to her parent's, which is about 3 hours away from where she lives. Should I tell her, or let her find out when her parents call her? It might be odd if I keep no-contact and suddenly she gets a call from her parents, when we have been keeping light contact for the most part up till now. What do you suggest?

[rising phoenix]

I think you need to make it clear that you're washing your hands of her. You're still on talking terms, so call her and let her know that you need to move on with your life, and so needed to get rid of her boxes, so you've forwarded them to her parents. Tell her to not worry about repaying you for the shipping, because otherwise it will only serve as an excuse for her to stay in contact with you, which you don't need. Keep it short and sweet. Don't linger on the phone, or else she will continue with her breadcrumb texting. Be blunt if she suggests staying in touch. She needs to get the message that you've accepted she didn't want you and are moving on without looking back. Good luck mate.

[learning2relax]

At this point, explanations or notices are unnecessary. There is not the expectation or requirement that exists within the relationship. I would say just let her parents tell her. It was nice enough of you to send her things on. You really don't owe her anything else.

 

Stop worrying about her and do what is best for you. That is the bottom line. Base your decisions on that and adjust as you learn more about what was not so good for you and how you can do better.......

[DN]

I think you should tell her - otherwise you look sort of petty.

[Tussin]

DN.. I like what you are saying.

 

Yea I dont want to come off as petulant and always want to take the high road here.

 

The fact is that she and I are now 1000 miles apart and that is just a fact. She had to move because she is in the military. We had a great time while she was in town, and breaking up may have been for the best in the end. I know I would have followed her around the globe because I love her so much, but maybe she realizes that is too much to ask. Maybe this is what it is all about. What it all boils down to is that our lives are taking us in separate directions for now. My thought is to accept it, and stay friendly, and move on. At least this is what I am feeling tonight.