How to get past this anxious feeling about alcohol...

[-Sanguine-]

I've been noticing a problem within myself lately that I think might affect my relationship with my boyfriend. We've been together 4 months now and I can honestly say no one has made me happier. We have great communication skills and he is so genuine and thoughtful. We just get along wonderfully and seem to understand each other very well. I would go so far as to say he could be "the one" as I've never had this feeling before in my life.

 

Anyway, the problem I seem to be having is when we go out drinking. I get uptight. I subconsciously monitor how much he's had to drink. I don't say anything, but it bothers me inside.. I can't even put my finger on it. My stomach just goes into knots about it. I always think worst case scenario on night when drinking is involved. We are both in our early 20's so this is a normal thing for us to be doing and it's something I do like. I don't mind drinking, but I'm good at controlling myself. We probably go out maybe twice a month so it's not as though we are avid party animals or anything like that.

 

But I feel like I am punishing him for my ex's mistakes and it's not fair. He knows about my past and he always tries to be really good about it - but he shouldn't have to. I shouldn't let it jade me to the point where going out to drink gets me all anxious even though nothing bad has happened in the times we've went out together. Basically, my ex had a drinking problem. He would constantly choose alcohol over me. He would come home drunk out of his mind very often and then he would start fights with me. Nothing physical, but he would accuse me of cheating on him or ramble off something else and cause a fight. He would drink alone and go out to a club and meet a bunch of people, his phone would die, and it would be 4am and I'd have no idea where he is. Or we would go out drinking together and he would drink too much and pass out on a lawn after straying from the group and again, I'd have no idea where he is. Once, he picked up a glass and just threw it on the ground, shattering it everywhere. He wasn't even angry. Just drunk. And in the mornings he would never acknowledge his behavior or the way he talked to me. The breaking point to our relationship was when he drank and drove and long story short someone died (whether or not it was his fault, I won't ever know). There are countless drunk stories that I don't even want to think about. I am just so glad I am not with him anymore and have found someone who actually respects me. I will also add that my dad died from alcoholism when I was 12 and I saw him drunk a few times too which was scary.

 

Last night my boyfriend and I went out and I got uptight about the drinking. We never fought or anything (we haven't actually had a fight) because I mostly held my feelings in because I knew they were unwarranted.He knows I get anxious though, I can tell he senses it. He will ask me in the morning if I am mad at him because he drank. Of course I'm not, but that nagging feeling is still there... thinking that the worst case scenario will happen since it did so many other times. He doesn't get black out drunk, he just drinks so he has fun and he's responsible. Why do I have to get so anxious about it? I drink, too so it's not fair of me to feel this way. I want to get past this. Any thoughts?

[lozzy1980]

I am sure as time goes on and if he continues to be responsible with his drinking, you will associate new positive memories and thoughts with alcohol, and over time your anxieties will ease.... but will take time.the only thing i can think of is to keep going over the rational positive thoughts you have where you said doesn't get black out drunk, he just drinks so he has fun and he's responsible. ' keep repeating this each time you start to get anxious when drinking, and this itself may help ease your fears.

[wheelerdealer]

Agreed. I think you just have that association with your ex. You are probably somewhat conditioned to that tension you would feel with your old bf: when you knew he was going to be drinking and never knew how bad it would get. That situation is stressful.

 

I would just talk to your current bf about it. You said that your he has noticed your tension already. It might be a good idea to just put your feelings out there, that way he doesn't start to feel he's being punished for your ex's past actions.

 

Other than that it sounds like you guys have a good relationship so far! Congrats