Nearly Out of the Blue

[Pixby]

Hi, you can call me Pixby. I'm 31, male, and my live-in girlfriend of the past 5 years (Lisa) just left two days ago. Here's how it happened:

 

Late Friday night, I checked the online account of one of my checking accounts and noticed that during the day, Lisa had used her debit card to buy over $600 worth of merchandise at a store. This was very strange. So, it was 11:00 PM when I confronted her. She became real quiet and, after what seemed like an eternity, she said, "I'm leaving. My sister and her husband are coming here at 8AM to help me pack my things. I'm going to live with my grandparents in Wisconsin."

 

Needless to say, I was floored. I felt our relationship was in a very good place. I worked from home as a writer/educational publisher and she did as well--doing the E-mail marketing side of the business. In fact, that's what she was working on when I confronted her about the money issue Friday night. Can you believe that she was still working on our business when planning on leaving in roughly 9 hours? As the night went on with me begging her to stay, and stretched into early AM, she told me she kept up the same routine with the hope I would be none-the-wiser about her plans to leave. In fact, earlier Friday morning, SHE initiated sex. Again, I asked her why she would do such a thing if she no longer wanted a life with me? And, again, she gave the same response. "I didn't want anything to seem out of the ordinary."

 

Is that beyond cruel or what?

 

Now, as I sit here typing this, I still can't comprehend why she felt the need to surprise me. True, she had tried to leave once before, over 2 years ago. But, I talked her out of it. At that time, I made her promise that, if she was going to stay, that she must be more open about her needs and talk about if she's considering that our life together might not be "forever," as I see it. So, perhaps she was afraid that if I was given time, I might be able to talk her out of it again. I don't know. Why can't certain people just communicate openly in relationships?

 

Anyway, after hours of me begging and pleading for her to please stay, I realized that she had made up her mind. So, at about 3AM, I made her pack all of her things, load them into her car, and leave the house that we shared. I was not going to go through the shame and embarrassment of having her family members drive hours to our place (we lived in Illinois). So, in my mind, I had to avoid that at all costs. She is so lucky that I stumbled upon her deception. If it had gone down the way she had planned, I would have went berserk.

 

I feel destroyed by this and have spent the past days E-mailing, texting, and calling to try to get her to see/ talk to me. I know this is a mistake. I know I need to stop contacting her altogether. In my mind, I know she's not coming back. But, when I consider giving up hope that she might change her mind, I start crying like a little girl. She is my Lisa. And, although our life together was not extravagant or adventurous, to say the least, her companionship was very dear to me. Her touch and words were what I looked forward to every single day and I thought she felt the same about me. All the signs were there that our relationship was fine (or so I thought). We'd take long walks together around town each day, make love every day, and talk about our plans for the future often. In fact, we had, just a month ago, put an offer in with our real estate agent on a new home (that's currently a short sale). Just a week ago, Lisa was talking about how she was going to decorate the place if we got it. ONLY A WEEK AGO! Also, just a week ago, we were discussing her upcoming birthday (September 11th) and what she wanted. So, she showed my some lingerie that she had her eye on and asked if she could order it. Of course, I told her she could and she did. Well, it arrived via mail order on Wednesday. She modeled it for me and looked so happy. Then, we made passionate love. Two days later, she's leaving? * * * ?

 

How can things change so fast?

 

My sister (a shrink by profession) tells me that when people are ambivalent about their relationships, they will often try the extremes to see if they can be happy when fully embracing the role, or not embracing it altogether. So, was my Lisa simply trying to see if she would feel better about us if she gave it her all, realized that even then, she didn't, and decided in that instant to give up?

 

I don't know. But, it's so frightening to be abandoned like this--especially when she gets to move away and begin her life anew in fresh surroundings. Me? I'm stuck in the house we shared for the past 3 years of the relationship. Everything reminds me of her, even with it seeming so empty, sans her possessions. She also took our pets with her. So, even though I didn't like cats that much, I had accepted them. I enjoyed their companionship too, believe it or not.

 

Anyway, I am beside myself with grief. This is not the first time my heart has been broken. In my last year of college, my girlfriend of 3 years left just as suddenly. The pain I felt was immeasurable then, as it is now. I just never thought I would let myself get this attached again. Though, I suppose in my mind it wasn't risky because I could only see Lisa and I growing old together. Not in a million years did I think she would leave me.

 

Lisa and I had so much in common. We both never wanted children, we both were primarily home bodies, we both were non-religious, we had amazing physical compatibility (sex/intimacy), you name it!

 

But, in the end, she E-mails me, "Please stop E-mailing me. I don't know what to say to you. I just want to move on with my life."

 

It's difficult when thinking that perhaps I just wasn't an exciting enough person for her. It's hard to know that she pretty much felt like her life was stagnant and not going anywhere. By contrast, I felt like our life was where it was supposed to be. I felt like we had arrived (or at the very least were significantly close to having what we wanted). But, not everyone can be a rock star or world traveler. Some of us like nice, simple, quiet lives. I thought she was like me in this regard. But, I guess I was wrong.

 

I know that the first step of getting through this is acceptance that she won't come back. But, this is so freaking hard. All of my dreams and hopes for the future, all included her as the centerpiece. I realize that my happiness shouldn't be based on any one person. And, it wasn't. There were many things in my life that made me happy. But, still, Lisa was a HUGE component of this happiness or content-ness.

 

One last thing: Lisa and I met in her home state of Wisconsin. Then, we moved back to my home state of Illinois, where we have lived for 4.5 years of the relationship. She always wanted to go back to Wisconsin. In fact, we talked about moving back to Madison as an option for the future. So, in a way, I feel abandoned for a location. Lisa never really liked Illinois that much. She was here for me. This makes this whole ordeal hurt even more. I am currently considering moving to Madison with even the smallest of hopes that Lisa would decide to be with me again. I know that probably sounds crazy. But, I miss her so much, after her only being gone a couple of days.

 

Thanks for reading about my situation. Writing it down has helped tame my agony, if only for a little while.

 

Pixby

[RubyWoo]

She is my Lisa. And, although our life together was not extravagant or adventurous, to say the least, her companionship was very dear to me. Her touch and words were what I looked forward to every single day and I thought she felt the same about me.

 

These words just broke my heart, I can relate so well...

 

I don't really know what to say because I am in the same exact place you are. I feel this incredible sadness and grief, I want to tell him how much I miss him. As I type this I'm sitting in a half empty living room flooded by memories.

 

I don't have much advice... but if you need an ear to listen and share, you can PM me

[einsteins_girl]

Pixby, I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. Your post made me cry. Believe me when I say, you are not alone in your heartache.

[Acrylamide]

 

She is my Lisa. And, although our life together was not extravagant or adventurous, to say the least, her companionship was very dear to me. Her touch and words were what I looked forward to every single day and I thought she felt the same about me.

 

Pixby

 

These words... just made me almost cry. Like Ruby I can relate, but our relationship wasn't as long as yours. It's been about a month and a half and I still miss her. I've tried hanging out all the time, but everything just reminds me about her. We go to the same University and we did everything together. I have to avoid places we have been to otherwise these memories start flashing through my head. I am typing this in my room full of memories. It's just gruesome getting into bed knowing how empty it is. She just ended everything out of the blue. Apparently over the summer break she realized she liked me as a friend, which doesn't make sense to me. We did all those things because we were friends?

 

I wish you the best, but moving to Madison is probably not a good idea. She, like my Ex, looks like she has completely moved on and further attempts to get with her again will just push her away further. A part of me still wants to get back with my ex as well, but she's been going to parties and since we have similar friends I have to avoid these completely. I'm glad to know she's having fun while I'm miserable.

 

Keep your head up. Your emotions cloud your judgement. Time will make things better, well I'm still waiting for time to make me better. There will be a lot of moments of weaknesses where you'll start going insane, but you have to stay strong.

[Pixby]

Hi Acrylamide. You know, I went through this same experience in college too. So, I can relate to your experience of being in that finite university world with that person and then suddenly to have to work to avoid said person in such small circles. What a nightmare. Yes, the person doing the breaking-up seems to be living the life while we suffer. That is true. I read on a self-help website though that it's not necessarily like that. In other words, the person doing the dumping has gone through the agony of break-up over a much lengthier period of time in his/her mind. So, that's why they can just leave/end it out of the blue. It's not really out of the blue. But, it feels that way to the dumpee. Anyway, thank you for your kind words. This world is an unfair place.

[Pixby]

Hi Ruby. I read your post about your situation and commented on your thread. Thanks for your kind words. They have helped me feel a little better.

[Pixby]

Hi Einsteins_girl. Thank you for your supportive words. I'm sorry you have felt heartache too. As I sit here, I wonder if it would have been more humane for my ex to murder me, than to abandon me. I would do anything to end my misery.

[einsteins_girl]

Pixby, my bf hasn't left me yet (just a matter of days, I suspect), but I completely understand your pain. Three years ago, my bf left me while I was at work. I came home to find my extra key and a Post-It that said "Check your email." on it. He had emailed me a break-up letter. The entire thing felt devastating. Although we reconciled three months later, I don't think I've ever quite recovered from the betrayal and abandonment I felt, and I think it's been infesting my relationship ever since, preventing me from being happy or assured or calm. I'm always seeing hints of abandonment, whether they're there or not. I'm always waiting for him to leave again. In the process, I think I've alienated him and created the fate I've been fearing.

 

It's something to consider. Even if you were to get her back, could things ever be the same? Could you ever truly forgive her for this abandonment and feel safe in the relationship? I think counseling would help, and I plan to get personal counseling, and I hope beyond hope my bf is willing to give us another chance and go to couples counseling. I think I just need to get over these feelings from when he left me so long ago. Once they hurt you, it's almost impossible to move past it.

 

I know what you mean about feeling it's more humane to be murdered. I feel the same way. If I were dead, I wouldn't know this excruciating pain and loss... and he hasn't even totally left me yet.

 

Again, I am so, so sorry. I wish there were something I could say or do to provide comfort to you.

[Acrylamide]

Hey Pixby. It was kind of out of the blue because she went home for the summer. She told me that she'll see me soon and have nothing to worry about. What could I do over the summer to push her away? All we did we text, and she initiated about 80% of them. But I understand that she might have been thinking about breaking up with me and was probably doing what your sister said. I just wish she did it sooner without telling me all these things she wanted to do when she got back. Telling me how much she missed me and how she wished I was there. Telling me how much I make her happy...

 

Cruel world indeed.

[lemsip]

Man I'm so sorry. I know how you feel now, spaced out, in shock, nervous, scared, disbelief. Plus the physical symptoms of not eating, not sleeping, wanting to talk to anyone and everyone on the phone about it. I'm sure you're experiencing all these things.

 

We're all going through the same kind of feelings so don't be scared of posting/venting on here. It will take strength and courage to get through this.

 

But you will get through it.

 

The anguish you are feeling right now is normal. The hardest thing to do is just embrace the pain. Let it wash over you like a wave. You can't fight it I'm afraid.

[Acrylamide]

Man I'm so sorry. I know how you feel now, spaced out, in shock, nervous, scared, disbelief. Plus the physical symptoms of not eating, not sleeping, wanting to talk to anyone and everyone on the phone about it. I'm sure you're experiencing all these things.

 

This was such a horrible experience for me. Even though everyone told me all these things I didn't feel better. I don't think anyone can quite comfort you Pixby. When you look back to periods when you were happy you are blinded by the illusion that she was the only person that gave your life significant meaning and that sense of security we all long for. And having to experience this twice? That is insane....

[Pixby]

This was such a horrible experience for me. Even though everyone told me all these things I didn't feel better. I don't think anyone can quite comfort you Pixby. When you look back to periods when you were happy you are blinded by the illusion that she was the only person that gave your life significant meaning and that sense of security we all long for. And having to experience this twice? That is insane....

 

Yes, believe it or not, the first one was named Lisa too I need to stay away from Lisas in general, I think. After that, I met Michelle. We were together for 3 years too (and got married). When it ended with Michelle, I didn't feel bad, even though she, too, ended things by filing for divorce. So, I had always assumed that the first break-up I experienced my senior year in college with a long-term girlfriend meant that I wouldn't have this sort of reaction in the future. But, that's not the case. Lisa #2 feels just like Lisa #1. I'm not sure why my marriage ending was different. I accepted it a lot better and easier.

[Pixby]

Hi lemsip. I had a much lengthier reply to your supportive words. But, computer hell made me lose it. Suffice it to say, yes, I can check off all of those break-up pain symptoms. They're horrible. I know I'll get through it. But, my brain is failing to control my emotions at this point (curse you, feeble brain!).

[Pixby]

You know, I wrote about this on Ruby's thread actually. Lisa tried to leave me once before... two years ago. Since that time, I have always wondered secretly when the other shoe was going to drop. Like, if I woke up later than her and found her car gone with no note on the fridge as to where she was going, I would panic. It's not like she had to leave that note every time. But, she often did just so that I would know where she was off too. And, when she didn't do that, it would scare me until I heard her pull into the driveway. So, yes, if she were to come back now, it would never be the same. My mind knows this, but I would probably take her back anyway. Who am I kidding, I would do more than that. I would hug her and never let her out of my grasp again

 

I am sorry about your situation. It seems like you still might have some hope, but that you expect you ultimately won't. I feel for you. I also wonder if it's better to have a lot of warning, or none at all. At least then you can dispense with the shock/disbelief part of the pain, right? Then again, with my Lisa's history of wanting to leave, perhaps I had advance knowledge that it would happen. Regardless, I still feel so much agony. It's insane.

[Acrylamide]

My ex's name is Michelle.

 

Keep your head up. That's all I have for supportive words.

[RubyWoo]

At least reading you guys I'm realizing that there are men who love so intensely and adore their women!!! One does not feel very loved or adored when being dumped

[Ms Darcy]

Now, as I sit here typing this, I still can't comprehend why she felt the need to surprise me. True, she had tried to leave once before, over 2 years ago. But, I talked her out of it. At that time, I made her promise that, if she was going to stay, that she must be more open about her needs and talk about if she's considering that our life together might not be "forever," as I see it. So, perhaps she was afraid that if I was given time, I might be able to talk her out of it again. I don't know. Why can't certain people just communicate openly in relationships?

 

Hi dear - I'm sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you know the answer to your own question. She actually left 2 years ago. She wanted to sneak out this time so you wouldn't talk her out of it again.

 

I can't help but wonder if she had changed. Of course, she wanted to go back to Madison. But perhaps she also changed on other things, kids, wanting to go out and be more social, etc. That's the sense I got ... living together, homebodies, no kids, separated from her family ... she may have been feeling smothered.