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Should I send my Ex a closure letter?


MovingAlone

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I posted the story here, how I emotionally abused a girl I was with for the last year we were together. She broke up with me in May, I was with her for 5 years, and I have been seeing a counselor ever since. I have broken NC a couple of times since then and understand there is no getting through to her. I have these overwelming urges just to tell her I am sorry for all the things I have done, I want to write a sincere letter, and I don't really expect anything back, I just want her to know how sorry I really am. In the beginning I know she just blocked me out and would not hear me out, it has been 4 months, do you think this is a good or bad idea?

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i was just about to say very similar thing to Oneironaut there. i have quickly looked through some of your previous posts and only 2 weeks ago you seemed to be very miffed at how she has completely cut you out of her life. as you have broke NC a few times already, this will just come accross to her as a final last ditch attempt to win her back. still write the letter if it helps you, but don't send it.

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To be honest, I wouldn't. I just recently received the ' I'm sorry I hurt you' message and trust me it is not something everyone needs to hear. After years of emotional abuse myself one message was not close to enough and it caused more pain then anything. She is trying to heal and get her own closure..but by putting this on her and opening up old wounds she obviously couldn't deal with anymore it is a little selfish. I wish my ex would had NEVER sent me the I'm sorry message. But everyone is different. If you must.. Be respectful that she may not want to hear any of it, it may be exactly what you both need. Just be careful.

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Ok, I will not write the letter. I don't want to cause her anymore pain. My heart is just controlling my brain.

 

Sounds as though allowing anything that is not your brain to control your brain is what got you into trouble in the first place. I'd quit that and leave the ex alone. It's not her job to heal you.

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I think it's good that you're taking responsibility for your actions. However, sending the letter would probably do more harm than good. If you 'emotionally abused' your ex, that will take her a lot of time to heal from. Making a clean break is best, IMHO.

 

My ex sent me an e-mail a few months ago to explain (after over a year) all the reasons we broke up. Unlike you, he took no responsibility for his actions. Instead, he blamed me for everything. I had been doing okay with healing, but getting his message was devastating. It's been a huge setback, one I'm not quite over yet. Think of your ex and consider how she might react. Is sending your letter in her best interest as well as yours? Give it some thought before taking any actions. Good luck.

 

*Edit (just read the rest of the thread): OP, you could write an unsent letter to her, apologizing for what you've done. Then let it go.

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Yeah, I did just that, I wrote a letter, and I won't send it. It was emotional but I needed to let some of this out, I feel so bad for what I did to her, and hate that she hates me, I am just having a really hard time forgiving myself. The dreams of her come so often and I am talking to her there, but then I wake up, it is so lonely but hey I got myself into this mess, I will get myself out somehow. This is really my first heartbreak, I am just mad at myself that it was me, that when I look back I don't say well I did all I could do but she left....because I didn't.

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It is not going to be easy but time is the key and you will get through this. take one day at a time, start to forgive yourself and love yourself, and just learn from your past mistakes - you cannot change the past but you certainly can do something about becoming a better person for your future. so what is the point in beating yourself up over what you should/could have done or didn't do? we all make mistakes and no one is perfect. wishing you all the best x x x

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Yeah, I did just that, I wrote a letter, and I won't send it. It was emotional but I needed to let some of this out, I feel so bad for what I did to her, and hate that she hates me, I am just having a really hard time forgiving myself. The dreams of her come so often and I am talking to her there, but then I wake up, it is so lonely but hey I got myself into this mess, I will get myself out somehow. This is really my first heartbreak, I am just mad at myself that it was me, that when I look back I don't say well I did all I could do but she left....because I didn't.

 

For the record, I believe that it is entirely possible for you to change.

 

I know some people say, "Once an abuser, always an abuser", but I don't believe in absolutes.

 

We all make mistakes; I've made some doozies, myself. The way to make the most of your mistakes is to learn from them, and vow to only make them once.

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  • 3 months later...

If you are the one that got dumped think about this first before you start Hemmingway-ing away. You are assuming that the letter will be received by the person you remember, the one who cared for you, blew in your ear, sat on you and went wild. Well that person only exists in your memory. They dumped you...they no longer want you. They will view this letter in many ways but usually not in the way you wanted them to view it. The best way to obtain closure is 1. Accept the relationship is over. 2. Sit down and figure out your role in the demise of the relationship. 3. Work on the areas you identified so you will be a much better partner to someone else. 4. Take a piece of paper and write "what is the definition of a healthy relationship mean to me" make a list, be honest with you. Now go to work on yourself, improve yourself and when you’re ready look for someone who matches your definition of what a relationship is. Good Luck. I know some will say my thing is different but I really believe this encompasses 95%.

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I am going to go against the grain here ,

 

but op I sincerely want you to listen to the other posters as I really seem the only one with this opinion , which probably says more about me !!

 

 

My daughters father bullied me, hit me , spat at me , threatened to burn us to death , bit through my hand to make me let go of her pram to run off with her , he hung himself infront of me ( obviously he didn't succeed) , he tormented me and made my life hell , the police and victim support helped me move cities in the end....

 

go forward 3 years ...

 

on a visit to my hometown I saw him on a bus ...and I walked over and asked him why ? He said he had no answers , that it was a good job I left my hometown as he didn't know what he would do next ... then he said sorry .

 

I kid you not ..I walked off that bus with a door finally closed.

 

maybe that's my downfall ...needing to hear something , some explanation ..just something .

 

thats just my story though and how I deal with things.

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I have to agree with shooting star.., my ex was so emotionally abusive, and in the end disappeared one day without a word. It's been 2 months now and i haven't chased, but my door isn't closed, and I have written a closure email to say goodbye, and close the door, but everyone has told me not to send it... and i hopefully won't, as I don't think he deserves that from me, and i don't think it should be me reaching out... but i long to get a closure email from him. An apology or an explanation of some kind... even though nothing he can say will justify what he's done, at least i'd know he cared enough to make the effort to contact me and say sorry in some way. It's the thinking he doesn't care at all that hurts the most, and is preventing me movjng on. I hope i would have the strength to not respond, but it would make me feel so much bettter to have that mail from him. And the closure i need.

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