Friendship with a Guy Who Can't Act as 'Just a Friend'

[serendipity848]

I met this guy through a mutual friend of mine about 8 months ago; the minute we met he had tons of questions for me & was immediately curious about me & ignored my friend in the room. Afterwards he added me as a friend on FB & didn't say anything else. I messaged him to 'hang out' or talk again soon...he replied with yes & invited his friends to go along. We went to a restaurant & he continued to shout things out at me accross the table...this became awkward to which one of his friends made a joke about his 'forwardness'.

 

Fast forward a few weeks later- we kept hanging out with his friends which got weird to the point of his friends were a little mean to me, because another girl they knew liked him, & it was a 'loyalty' thing.

 

After I invited him to hang with me by himself or said we need to hang out with out everyone...he immediately made sure I knew that it wouldn't be a 'date' & we needed to be 'just friends'. I told him that was fine, & I wasn't trying to make it a 'date'. So, we hung out at different things- music functions I had, at his place where he fixed me food, & we did music nights because he played the piano. Then after a while, I brought up the subject again, after I tried inviting him out with friends, it seemed he would only do things if it was just me. He immediately became exasperated, saying he thought we already talked about it...then when I explained what I was concerned with...he told me "I wasn't chopped liver" - that he needed to get to know someone to be sure, before he dated her. I took this as getting to know me...so, we continued to hang out more in the form of more music functions then it was running together.

 

Months later, one week end his friends came down to visit- we all hung out together- me, him & his friends who are married...the night was short-lived because he was tired from working all day & the bar we were at was dead. We stayed out longer, but it was not very exciting since he was slightly delirious...I told him to tell me if they tried to do it again when he had gotten some sleep. The next night, he never invited me & his friends & him went to a bar where he met a girl w/ a group & they all hung out together. Unbeknowst to me I invited him & his friends to an event a couple nights later & he told me that he was inviting another friend who may come. When I got there, I talked to him for a little bit but when she came in he lit up & they hugged each other, as if they had known each other forever. She & her friend gave me the cold shoulder immediately as I stood beside him...he had to make a point to introduce me, to which they were pushed to say hello to me. For a little while in the night, he kept hanging around me touching me...but then he went to talk to her..we then moved to a different bar outside to sit & he was asking her the 50 million questions...every so often he turned to me to say something, which made it even more uncomfortable, b/c she wanted his attention undivided, it was obvious.

 

After more time passed & he was more focused on asking her questions & hearing about her...he 'accidentally' hit her hand while he was making hand gestures...it was definitely accidental too, I'm not an idiot in knowing when a guy wants to make contact with a girl...but he even said, sorry I didn't mean to do that- I am not getting fresh with you. I, in my own awkward way, because I was so bored to death & uncomfortable from her friend being weird to me said, "yeah, he isn't trying to flirt with you or anything". She made a similar comment back, & he looked down all nervous & red, then tried to get us off his back...she said oh I'm sure you're a nice guy & he kept going. But when I went to say something else - he went in to tell her something about me & our hands collided & our fingers got a little intertwined. She quickly changed the topic back to her.

 

So at the end of the evening, his friends wanted to go somewhere else & she didn't but he rode with them, so we left & he tried to invite her to go...it was more awkwardness because he was making grand gestures towards her - hugging her before he left.

 

After that night, we went on not seeing each other or hanging out as often as we did before...we ran again after 2 weeks of barely talking or seeing each other...& after we ran we talked for an hour, where we subtly brought up our feelings. He told me he thought it was in poor taste to say the joke to that girl where I said "he isn't trying to flirt with you or anything"...in the sarcastic tone I had. He said because he wanted to get more info. on her...I told him I knew that...& apologized, to which he accepted. But then we talked more about things in our life & he would lean in a little bit towards me for emphasizing & also would make lots of long direct eye contact. We have a strong connection but I feel he was really trying to flirt with this other girl.

 

He hasn't responded to a couple of texts of mine in the last 2 days- but he agreed to go with me to an event that's 2 hours away driving...so we'll be hanging out all day & driving for 4 hours altogether.

 

I'm just confused...because he once told me he can't 'date' since he doesn't have the emotional capacity to waste time on girls...he wants to get to know them first. But he also said he couldn't 'date' multiple people because of that. I am just curious if he is now hanging out with this girl more than with me, because he can't find the capacity to get close to both of us at the same time. Even though he doesn't 'date', he is around us & getting to know us better. Also, this girl isn't his type at all...she isn't spiritual as him or have the same interests...I don't understand why he would get involved with her. At this point I have no proof he is seeing her, but he definitely isn't being as chummy or talkative with me as he was before...my questions are, what do I do on the road trip we have coming up...how can I bring up the topic about his feelings with us either as friends or more...with out making him defensive again. How can I tell him how much I like him, with out looking sad or desperate. And would he pull away from me, if he really felt like he could get serious with me, & was scared so he is trying to divert his attention elsewhere? I am at a point now where the stakes are high & I need some answers...I am strongly attached to this guy after hanging with him for 8 months & him being there for me when I was dealing with my parents divorce...I just want something to go off of...

[furiouspsych]

I read this in the context of you just wanting to be friends with him, but I see now that you want more. It seems like he's being fairly upfront with you, and it is what it is. It's like he's just ok with being not-too-close friends. If you want a relationship, seek another guy. Most guys would've let you know by now...and he's said the opposite, and since he's not even being a great friend, what's it really worth?

[browneyedgirl36]

I agree with the above poster -- it seems that he has made it clear that he wants to be friends. Has he ever made any sort of "move" on you -- i.e. kissed you, held your hand? If not, that's pretty telling. Also, I think you are reading too much into his actions; yes, he wants to have one-on-one time with you, but then he's spending time with all these other friends and making sure you see him chatting up some other girl, too, and focusing a lot of attention on her. I'm not a man, but...I would think that if a man really wanted to date a woman and potentially have a relationship with her, he wouldn't be spending a good portion of an evening chatting up someone else in front of her.

 

I've been in a similar situation, and I finally had to acknowledge to myself that it was a strictly platonic friendship and that the guy didn't want to date me. The reasons don't really matter, and you could make yourself crazy trying to figure out what's going on in his head. I think it's easy to tell ourselves the worst, and similarly, it's easy to tell ourselves things to make ourselves feel better -- i.e. "he's scared," "maybe he's been hurt before and doesn't want to get hurt again," etc. These things could be true, but often they're just smokescreens, and the truth is a bit less complicated -- the guy just doesn't feel that you're the one for him. I know it hurts -- believe me, it's happened to me a few times in my life -- but it's best in these situations to detach and not keep putting yourself in the position to be hurt by a guy who doesn't reciprocate. If you feel you must get your feelings out, then tell him how you feel, but...be prepared that you might not get the response you want. At least you'd know once and for all, though.

[serendipity848]

I can see where this would be a little hard for me to explain to outsiders...& I agree with you both. I think it's distance & time to see if anything happens. I'm not, not open to anyone else new coming into my life, in fact I welcome it. But just to clarify- it's not the fact that he told me "let's be friends" I'm having complications with...he did get hurt badly in his last relationship which he told me about- & also said that he is being very cautious...we both are on the same page on 'no dating' people...we want to know before we do date...but I was just curious if others out there would feel this other girl would have a shot, if he has invested most of his time, life into me. He has been a really close friend- there's no doubt about it & there have been physical passes made...not kissing, but definitely physical passes. But I think letting him lead, if he wants to do anything about it, is still the best decision. I just need to hear others' opinions on it. It isn't the usual 'Just Friends' scenario. So, I guess it is kind of one of those things I have to figure out for myself...thanks for the advice!

[DylanNotorious]

I think your wasting your time. 8 months of knowing each other, and he still does not make a move.

 

I do think he has the capacity to date - he's just awfully selective. Or he can't be bothered.

 

He sounds the type, that when he really does meet someone special, he would drop you like hot potatoes.

[serendipity848]

yeah, he does...& it's not something I haven't already thought of...but it's good to know people see it that way. I see it that way too...but it's definitely usual. I guess too complex of a topic to really get advice from strangers on...like I said...I'm not completely crazy. I've done the whole weird back-and-forth thing w/ men...but keep in mind I have capacity to date too, but I don't, b/c I have relationships with men I get to know better as friends too. It may be against society's way of thinking - dating is seriously over-rated & shallow to me. But I don't need physical confirmation to know someone cares.