Please Advice Needed - Three Month Relationship Ended After Spark Suddenly Gone

[GaHeartbroken]

I'm new here, hello everyone!

 

Thank you in advance for any advice!

 

Here is my story:

 

I had been dating a lady for three months long-distance. We started as friends, talking for about two weeks before we decided to start dating as things were going so well and both of us were really excited about getting to know each other more. We dated about two months before an actual meeting in person. We talked every day since we started dating, both were so excited to talk each time and we couldn't wait to meet. After the meeting going well and three days into dating in person, she tells me that she has some doubts about what she thinks she should be feeling about me, especially when she kisses me, says that some times she feels really into it but at other times she doesn't. Things seem to me to be better for the remaining two days, and as I'm leaving she says she can't wait to meet me again and is going to miss me. Then I'm back home and things are still going great, but about a week after I am back, and have asked her if she is ready to be my girlfriend yet, she begins to tells me that she is having doubts again as to what she is feeling about me, if she feels the way she thinks she should feel about me, having that head-over-heels feeling. I say that I'll be patient with her and give her the time she needs to decide on her feelings as we keep dating, and not rush her in a decision about becoming my girlfriend. The next night she rehashes almost the exact thing as the previous night. Then the very next day, she calls me and tells me that she wants to keep dating but not as exclusively with me only, she has talked with her friends about her doubts and wants to have her options open with the doubts she is having. She says, that her friends think she should take it slow and see how she feels. One friend thinks she has cold feet about me, and that she is possibly thinking about what else might be out there, before he talked with her about this he had mentioned about her meeting a friend of his, as he did not know we were dating (she says that this has nothing to do with our break up, that she has these doubts before knowing about him, and anyways she doesn't know anything about this man; but I think it is why her surety about breaking up came so quickly, as I think she wants to get to know him, but I could be wrong). I say I will think about us still dating but her having the option open to not be exclusive. She calls me back later that night, saying that she wants a break, I try to get her to go back to lets keep dating but even if it is not exclusive. She still says she wants a break, as she has been torturing herself about what her feelings have been about me for the past week; as the conversation progresses she tells me she wants to break up. She says, she still has romantic feelings for me and that she likes me and really cares about me, that I'm a great guy and she hasn't had any man treat her as good as I have; but that the romantic feelings she has are not the same anymore that she once had for me (she isn't nearly as excited to talk on the phone anymore or dying to see me in person again), and she doesn't think they will return, and she doesn't want to try for them to return because she doesn't think they will, that the romantic feelings for me she does have are not enough for us to keep dating, that she would be leading me on. She says that I haven't done anything wrong, that I did everything right, and that there isn't anything for us to work on to fix. She says she would like to be friends, as it would make her sad to never hear from me again as she cares a lot about me (so she says). I told her that I didn't want this, I want to keep dating, that I think we could work this out with more getting to know each other and more time together. But she was now 100% sure, she told me. I finally told her that I would respect what she wants and that I wasn't sure if we could be friends or not.

 

During the breakup talk she looked as hurt as I felt. It was a very civil breakup not a fight. We even prayed at the end of talk, asking if this is God's will for our lives and that it would work out the way He wants it to.

 

I think she may have tried to have too many feelings too quickly and tried to rush them instead of letting it all come naturally, and I don't understand her torturing herself and the hurrying of why the breakup had to happen so quickly. I tried to get her to think about things over night or over a few days but she was sure that night that she had finally made up her mind.

 

It's been five days of no contact since the breakup. I'm confused as of what to do. And I'm still in shock and extreme denial that it is over. Should I wait for her to contact me? Should I contact her to see how she is feeling? I think if she changed her mind she would've contacted me already, correct? I want to get back together with her, I don't want to lose her and what we've built already, even though it hasn't been that long compared to other relationships that I've read about on these forums that have broken up. We had so much in common and got along so well. I've worked hard and done all I could to try to win her. I still believe in my heart that God wants us together, even though this may be a huge rough patch.

 

Thank you so very much for any advice you can give me!

[catfeeder]

Don't you deserve to have a GF who's crazy about you? This is not that girl.

 

Instead of considering this a 3 month relationship, I'd do myself a favor and see it as one long distance date that didn't work out. No sense in trying to convince someone that they want to see you again.

 

The idea is to find the RIGHT person, not ANY person. This was a stranger you typed with for a while before getting around to meeting. The chemistry was mixed, and with the hardships of long distance the girl didn't want to invest more. So move on to the next one, and consider keeping your radius local enough to make meeting simple--and early.

 

It makes no sense to build up a fantasy romance with someone you haven't met yet. That's not building feelings FOR a person, it's creating a illusions ABOUT them. Then if first date doesn't pan out and it feels like a big tragedy. That's not realistic. Keep emails and phone short and set up a time to meet for coffee to check one another out. If the chemistry is there, call back to set up a 'real' date. If not, move on to the next one until you strike a good match.

[GaHeartbroken]

Don't you deserve to have a GF who's crazy about you? This is not that girl.

 

First off, thank you for your response!

 

Yes, I do want a lady that is crazy about me. Thank you for the reminder.

 

 

Instead of considering this a 3 month relationship, I'd do myself a favor and see it as one long distance date that didn't work out. No sense in trying to convince someone that they want to see you again.

 

Maybe there is not sense in it, but I still feel such a strong urge for the need to try to do so.

 

The idea is to find the RIGHT person, not ANY person. This was a stranger you typed with for a while before getting around to meeting. The chemistry was mixed, and with the hardships of long distance the girl didn't want to invest more. So move on to the next one, and consider keeping your radius local enough to make meeting simple--and early.

 

Yes, that is true. Thank you for the reminder. Although I thought this might be the right person.

 

It was as intimate as it could be from long-distance, after the first two weeks of just chatting and emails, then it progressed to sending things through the mail, daily phone talks, video chats, etc.

 

The chemistry was good for the both of us all throughout the long-distance part until she told me about doubts on the fourth in-person date. I thought it was just a temporary blimp, like having a bad day, as it improved that night and the next day. The chemistry really didn't get mixed for any length of time until I was gone from visiting after a week's time. So I'm not sure what changed it, since she said nothing did, but certainly something changed it.

 

Thank you for your advice. I wish it was easy to move on. And that my radius could be local, but wanting to find a lady my age within my same religious denomination makes that not very doable in the area I live.

 

It makes no sense to build up a fantasy romance with someone you haven't met yet. That's not building feelings FOR a person, it's creating a illusions ABOUT them. Then if first date doesn't pan out and it feels like a big tragedy. That's not realistic. Keep emails and phone short and set up a time to meet for coffee to check one another out. If the chemistry is there, call back to set up a 'real' date. If not, move on to the next one until you strike a good match.

 

I think it is possible that some fantasy romance occurred for the both of us. But I did think that what we had was real feelings after all the different things we did while being long-distance (all the calls, sending, video-chats). And it was confirmed as real for the first four dates, then somehow there was some doubt that occurred but then went away for a short time, but for some reason flurished to not going away. Also, she stopped seeing her therapist for her anxiety issues about this same time period the continual doubts started, she told me he kept focusing the talking about her relationships; could that have had an affect on what is happening?

 

What is your advice concerning no contact? Do you think it would work for us to get back together in this case? Or should I try to be friends with her, as she suggested and wants? Of course, with some time for healing and me being able to get on the friendship level. She mentioned that there might be a possibly of the romantic feelings returning to a higher level as there is still some romantic feelings there, but that she does not want to be friends with the purpose that we would get back together.

 

Thank you for your advice!

[catfeeder]

No, don't do friendzies. The girl had fun with the e-contact, so she likes the idea of being able to continue to use you for a safety net from afar while she's out looking for someone more local. That's no way to get someone back. If she was as invested as you believe, then let her miss you. Leave her alone, start putting your focus on building a good life without her. If she ever changes her mind, she knows full well how to reach you and how to say that.

 

You need to untangle yourself from your fantasies about her. A few days of dating doesn't tell you much. It creates a honeymoon period that suspends things in a bubble that isn't challenged by the real world. It's also way too much too soon. With traditional dating people get to know one another in small doses that they can go off to process over time, and this builds good feelings and a desire to see more of one another. In this case, you two OD'd on overkill, which could have had her feeling suffocated or at least tired and uncomfortable by date four.

 

Go No Contact and let time teach her whether she'll miss you or not. If you try to work her, you'll creep her out. Don't go there.

[GaHeartbroken]

Thank you everybody for your advice so far!

 

Update:

 

I texted her on September 6th due to tornados in her area, letting her know I was praying for her. She responded that she was safe, and thankful for my prayers, and she hoped I was doing well. It did make me feel uncomfortable getting a response from her; but since it was an emergency I thought it was alright to break NC.

 

I then had a serious bicycle accident on September 12th. I was not totally thinking straight at the time due to having just suffered a concussion. So I asked my mother to leave a message for my ex, asking her to pray for me (as I was awaiting head and back C.T. scan results). My ex then texted me, and then called me the next day to check on me. My ex said, she was really worried about me (as a friend); and regretfully, I asked if her feelings where still the same towards us, she informed me that she has moved on and is talking with another man (this conversation with me was less than two weeks after she broke-up). I am guessing it is the same man that her friend talked about introducing her to the day she broke-up with me. I am now nearly certain this is the reason she made up her mind so quickly about her romantic feelings towards me, even though her feelings for me were still unsure. Why she left me for him, when she supposedly had not even met him or knew anything about him is a mystery to me. She told me, she is good and doing fine, although I heard a lot of doubt in her voice (even though I may not be the best at reading her). She told me, that she wants to be friends, and wants to know updates on my condition. I told her, that she could call me if she wants to know, which I probably should not had done (but bear in mind, my metal state at the time we talked on the phone was not well). It has been a week since that talk and she has not called.

 

I wonder if my limited contact, even though it was just for emergency, gave her the clean break she wanted, and I should had been friends with her instead, even though she did and does want friendship. This being a LDR break-up, is not being her friend just allowing her to move on and forget me? I also have doubts about, if I would had been her friend it would had helped her move on more to this new man.

 

Also, what are your thoughts about contacting her after several weeks of NC (if she does not contact me) and trying a reconnecting email? Or should I just wait for her to contact me, if this new man does not work out for her? I also, have not asked her to sent my shirt back that I accidently left in her car when I visited, any thoughts on when I should ask?

 

I am trying to move on and improve myself, even though this bicycle accident has set me back. I do want her back, but am trying to live as though she is never coming back.

 

Any advice or opinions are greatly appreciated!

[catfeeder]

Very sorry about your accident, and I hope you feel better soon. You remain too invested in someone who has proven that she's not worthy of the investment. Don't attempt contact--she knows how to reach you, but she's demonstrating that she's not interested. You deserve someone who's into you. Go find her, and don't attempt to turn the wrong people into the right one. The right one will be consistently 'right', and anyone who's not consistent is 'wrong'. Period.

 

Head high, there are millions of people in the world. Don't hang hopes on any long distance fantasy--that's not how to find your girl.