hopefloats310 Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 Hello, everyone. I'm a long-time lurker and first-time poster on a relationship forum. This feels a little awkward, so I appreciate your patience and gentle guidance. I'm sure you've all heard a similar story before, so I won't go into the long details. The short story is this: I am quite smitten with a guy who has a girlfriend of 6 months. The mutual attraction between us is undeniable. We flirt like crazy with a lot of sexually suggestive comments, which hint that he wants to or would be willing to cheat. He has joked that we could be "secret lovers," which makes me think he wants to set me up as a side dish. He has asked me out to lunch, and offered to make me dinner as "a date." I believe based on certain facts that he's trying to hide our flirtation from his girlfriend. However, I do not understand why, if he's unhappy enough in his relationship that he's looking outside of it already after only 6 months, he wouldn't just breakup with her. I have told him that nothing sexual will happen between us so long as he is in a relationship with someone else, and don't want to be treated like a dirty little secret. In response, he told me, "I ought to cool it until I'm in a different position." When I asked him what that meant, he didn't respond. However, he continues to engage me in mild chit-chat, but all sexually suggestive comments have ceased. What do you think he meant by "until I'm in a different position"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mustachio Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 Sounds to me like he realized he wasnt going to be able to cheat with you, so it sounds like he is trying to tell you that he is going to try and back off the flirting because it wont get him what he wants. He sounds like a player, he didnt get what he wanted from you, so he is probably going to go and try to see if he can get it from someone else. Good for you for not doing anything with him, but if I was you, I would take a look at the kind of person he really is (especially when it comes to sex and relationships) and re-evaluate your feelings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anxeo Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 wait, when he said that, was he referring to himself or was he saying that about you? that you need to cool it until your in a different position? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hopefloats310 Posted September 5, 2011 Author Share Posted September 5, 2011 anxeo: He said that he needs to cool it until he's in a different position. I found his word choice interesting. He didn't say "I ought to cool it because I have a girlfriend." He said he needs to cool it "until he's in a different position." He made it sound like he will eventually be in a different position, meaning no longer with a girlfriend? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hopefloats310 Posted September 5, 2011 Author Share Posted September 5, 2011 Mustachio: If he is backing off because he realized he wasn't going to get what he wanted from me, why would he continue to engage me in chit chat, while also saying that he needs to cool it until he's in a better position? Why not just bail and ignore me entirely? I'm not arguing with you just trying to understand. I appreciate the help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 He said that to string you along and possibly keep you contact for the future, for when he may not have a girlfriend, and then he can hook up with you. Remember, if they cheat WITH you, they will cheat ON you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anxeo Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 oh ok thanks for clearing that up hopefloats! it's just like mustachio said, he was pretty much testing the waters with you to see if you'd take the bait, you shot that down so now he's backing off since he can't get what he wants from you. the fact that the majority of your conversations turn sexual is a dead give a way as to what he is really after. obviously he isn't happy or satisfied in his current relationship so he's either a)thinking of ending it and maybe pursuing you or b) like you said have you as a side dish. who knows what would have happened had you taken the bait. as for why he is still talking to you i can also answer that, pretty much he's invested time into you and it would look really bad and pretty much prove he really was only trying to get into your pants if he were to stop talking to you completely. then it would be a done deal. but this way if he keeps talking to you just a little, and cools off as he says he's going to, then he can still keep you interested and wondering about things with him for the future. he's already lead you into believing he might one day leave his current gf with what he has said, still talking to you even after you've shut down his sexual advances is just building on that to make sure he can still probably pick up where things left off if things go sour with his girl, he might even think you may feel differently about being a side dish in the future since you've been thinking about him and still talking to him. i would be very careful with this guy. if anything stop talking to him, he's no good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hopefloats310 Posted September 5, 2011 Author Share Posted September 5, 2011 Posting here has been more helpful than I expected it would be, even with just a few responses. A tiny part of me was hoping to hear something like, "He sounds into you and on the verge of breaking up with his girlfriend," but I knew that was unrealistic. It sucks to hear, but I need to hear it. So thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 No problem. Happy to help. Even if he were on the verge of breaking up with the girlfriend, it's still wrong to pursue anything with him. Think of it this way, if YOU had a boyfriend and a girl approached him in this manner, how would you feel about it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hopefloats310 Posted September 5, 2011 Author Share Posted September 5, 2011 Even if he were on the verge of breaking up with the girlfriend, it's still wrong to pursue anything with him. Think of it this way, if YOU had a boyfriend and a girl approached him in this manner, how would you feel about it? But I'm not approaching him, he's approaching me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DylanNotorious Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 How do you know this guy? How come you have so much contact with him - are you co-workers? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anxeo Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 doesn't really matter whose approaching who, facts are facts. he's still seeing some one else and the conversations you've been having and what he was insinuating he wanted to do is not appropriate. this dude just wants to add another notch to his belt. like every one else has said, if he's this way with his current gf, whats to stop him from doing that to you if things didn't go as well as he thought they would have? just steer clear of this guy, i know his type all too well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
veneratio Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 But I'm not approaching him, he's approaching me. Whether you're chasing him or not, you aren't discouraging him either. Don't mean to be harsh if I sound it. And as other posters said, I think that what he said is just his way of saying he's stringing you along. I would just walk away while it's still somewhat easy to. His actions say a lot about his character. You said yourself, if he's so unhappy, why not break it off with his current gf? Even if he were to break up with her, do you really want to be with someone who handles things that way? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 I'd make this less about him and more about myself and whether I'd want to set myself up badly. Here's a guy who's actively seeking to cheat on his GF. Even if he ditches the GF and comes back around, what would you 'win' with this guy? How long before you'd start looking over your own shoulder with an acid stomach, waiting for him to start setting up other women while he's with you? Is that really the kind of relationship you'd want? Is living in that state of angst what you envision for yourself? This is not a trust-worthy guy. When someone shows you what they're made of, believe what you see. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Staple Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 He likes his girlfriend more than you, but wanted to get some on the side. Sounds like my ex- she slept with other guys, but told them that she couldn't leave me for one reason or the other. It's because she couldn't find anyone who treated her better than me, but still wanted to cheat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hopefloats310 Posted September 9, 2011 Author Share Posted September 9, 2011 Thanks everyone. We had a 3 hour lunch yesterday, just talking about his situation and how nothing can happen so long as he's technically in a relationship with his GF. There were a lot of things that came up during the conversation that, while I don't personally agree with, explain why he's with someone who he doesn't and never has felt a spark for. Plain and simple, she's safe, comfortable, and ironically, he can trust her. I'm going to continue NOT doing anything with him, and also dating other men. I'm not waiting around for him. But should he break up with his GF soon, I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't jump on him like Rachel Zoe at a Chanel trunk show. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 Good for you, OP. I think you're making a wise choice here. If he breaks up with his GF then yes, he's free and you can make the moves. But until then, you have to keep your distance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 But should he break up with his GF soon, I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't jump on him like Rachel Zoe at a Chanel trunk show. It's good that you've got some time to rethink this. The guy badmouths a girl he intends to keep around and cheat on. Are you sure you'd like to jump into her shoes? You're not seeing beyond the glamor you've cast on this guy. He's disloyal. What good could he ever be to you--behind your back? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hopefloats310 Posted September 25, 2011 Author Share Posted September 25, 2011 I'm having a hard time with this. I've allowed myself to get sucked in. We went to lunch again a week from this past Friday, and wound up back at his house. He kissed me, one thing led to another, and we got horizontal. While we pawed at each other like crazy, all clothes remained on -- my choice, not his. If he'd had his way, we would have gone multiple rounds. It was the hottest makeout session I've ever had in all my life. I've never wanted anyone more. I actually left his house thinking, "Well, it seems that this is just some fling for him, he's never going to breakup with his GF." I was actually pretty certain of it, and was okay with it. But within a few minutes of me leaving his house, he called me to see if I was okay. On his own volition, he said that what I'd been telling him all along - that he shouldn't have a GF if he's trying to screw around - is true. He said it wasn't fair to anyone involved, that it wasn't fair to me. He said he wants to be happy, but he isn't in his current situation, and never will be. He knows she's not the one. He said that he needs to grow up, man up, and breakup with her...and that he would. It was everything I wanted to hear, and I think I believed him because he was saying it after we got physical, not before. He's shared so many details about their relationship, and why he's unhappy and how he knows she's not the one...way more details than he should be sharing with anyone. But then he reminded me that he had a prepaid trip with her coming up very soon, and that he couldn't do anything until at least after the trip. This annoyed me, but I partly understand because I was once in a similar situation - I was in a relationship that needed to end, but neither one of us bit the bullet until a few weeks after we got back. Anyway, he's on the trip now. And I'm miserable, thinking of them together, bonding over their trip. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Staple Posted September 25, 2011 Share Posted September 25, 2011 His girlfriend is hotter than you, so he's not going to leave her for you, but he was hoping to get some on the side. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hopefloats310 Posted September 25, 2011 Author Share Posted September 25, 2011 His girlfriend is hotter than you That was somewhat of a mean thing to say, don't you think? The truth is, I can tell you with absolute confidence that that's not true. She's not ugly, but she's not attractive either. But I'm definitely more attractive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lithp Posted September 25, 2011 Share Posted September 25, 2011 You should have some self respect, and some respect for his current relationship, and stay away from this. Unfortunately you are keeping yourself in a position to continue developing feelings for him, when you should butt out and let him deal with this. If he is so unhappy in his relationship with this girl and would rather be with you, he will be. They are not attached in any way as far as children or marriage go, so there is very literally no reason for him to stay in a relationship that brings him down so much, especially since he has the option of being with someone who apparently makes him happy. Does that make sense to you? Back away and don't hang on his every word - it's his actions that count. He knows how you feel and so now it's up to him to make the choice. You are only setting yourself up to get hurt if you keep buying his promises of leaving her, which seems to be what just happened - he expresses feelings for you, and now you're sitting there sad because he's on a trip bonding with his girlfriend. It's just a messy situation and I would be careful if I were you and start distancing yourself, that's when you'll know if he actually wants you or just wants the benefits of being with you without actually being in a relationship with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hopefloats310 Posted September 25, 2011 Author Share Posted September 25, 2011 They are not attached in any way as far as children or marriage go, so there is very literally no reason for him to stay in a relationship that brings him down so much, especially since he has the option of being with someone who apparently makes him happy. Does that make sense to you? It actually does make sense to me, because I was once in his shoes -- at least in that I was in an unhappy, unsatisfying relationship, but felt very safe, and secure in it, and was reluctant to give that security up. I literally waited for my boyfriend at the time to do the dumping for me. Back away and don't hang on his every word - it's his actions that count. He knows how you feel and so now it's up to him to make the choice. You are only setting yourself up to get hurt if you keep buying his promises of leaving her, which seems to be what just happened - he expresses feelings for you, and now you're sitting there sad because he's on a trip bonding with his girlfriend. It's just a messy situation and I would be careful if I were you and start distancing yourself, that's when you'll know if he actually wants you or just wants the benefits of being with you without actually being in a relationship with you. You're so right about this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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