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HONESTLY should i stay.... or leave? IDK!!!!


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So I really need a third party perspective of my relationship… I don’t know what to do. I am a 23 year old and in my first “real relationship” but it’s not going as I expected.

First background on me… I thought I was a secure person but this relationship makes me think twice. I have a hard time opening up to people and getting close to them … so when I met my boyfriend and it just seemed liked we clicked. We got each other and we understood each other… I thought.

So I am stable for the most part in my life, career and finances but my boyfriend is not and that has impaired our relationship. I knew all of this before we became a couple (we dated for 3 months before we became official) but I felt so strongly for him I over looked this… BIG MISTAKE! He is 26; he lives with his parents because he is finishing his last year of college which I understand because he is paying for school out of pocket. But he doesn’t have a car and we live over an hour apart from each other… so when we do see each other we either meet in the middle or he takes the metro to my place. We can’t really hang out at his place because of his parents and they are really conservative. Because his parents are conservative when he sleeps over (which is rare) he like freaks out like “my mom is going to have some words for me when I get home”. Okay I understand he lives with his parents… there house… there rules but he is 26…. Really!! We really only see each other once a week but we talk on the phone everyday and skype a lot. I feel like I am in a long distance relationship.

This makes me uncomfortable and I have told him this… he asked me to drive him home a lot. Honestly I feel if I truly, deep down cared for him I would drive him but to me if feels like a hindrance. That right that makes me question my feelings towards him. This might be selfish of me but he makes the decision to come to my place when we could have met in the middle so he should be responsible for getting himself home. I feel if he was my age I would be more lenient but because he is older I guess I have that mentality that he should have a car…

Now he has some great qualities about him. He is sweet, funny, loyal, etc… but his flaws are really starting to outweigh all of his great qualities. He is very frugal…. Like he doesn’t want to go out to eat so he expects me to cook for him. When he plans something… he is like ‘you got yourself right” aka he doesn’t want to pay for me… I don’t expect him to pay for me all the time but if he plans it… I think he should pay. Another thing… he is a little immature… he is 26 but he acts like he is 18. Honestly I feel like I am older and I feel bad if I say anything because then he feels bad. It’s like we will have a beautiful moment together and he ruins it by being immature… ugh

But I am NO angel either… when he starts acting a fool … I kind of shut down…. It’s like I don’t want to be around him when he acts like that. He is like” your acting like a different person” and I tell him so are you. Honestly I don’t feel like I am in a relationship… I feel like all we do is talk on the phone and when we do see each other … we typically have lots of sex. I don’t feel like I am really getting all of him. IDK maybe my expectations are too high but I feel what I am asking for his basic…. I know not everyone is stable in their life but I feel like any person who is willing to put themselves in a relationship should come with the tools needed to be in a relationship (i.e. money, transportation, etc...) I hope I don’t sound like a gold digger… but I am not asking for the world… just a little piece of it. I guess I want what he can’t give me at the moment because of his circumstance … SO should I stay and hope things will get better when he is done with school or should I call it quits?

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You know what some people do when they want out of relationship? They start picking out the faults whether they realize it or not. But in this case his faults are up there. It depends on the person you like to date. The frugal part in a man is the worst. It seems almost like your hoping when he graduates he will get himself together and get a car etc. There are many people who pay for school and work and have a car and live on their own. He isn't ready to grow up, sure doesn't seem like it. If he doesn't seem like a person you can see long term and these little things bother you, then your 23 you got plenty of time to find someone!


*edit I kinda of skimmed over the last few sentences of your reading. I went back and read it, you are hoping he changes. You can't hope you can only see what is there now. The frugal part that is something that more than likely won't change and can drive a person insane.

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If he is in college and paying for it then I don't think it should be that much of a big deal that he doesn't have a car and you do the driving. Let's face it, many men do that as a matter of course. And of course he is frugal - he has no choice. However, if you think he is taking financial advantage of you that is a different issue.


I do agree that if you did love him these things would not be an issue.

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I think you've already made your decision. Everything in your post makes you sound extremely unhappy in your relationship - you don't sound like you're getting anything out of this at all, and to be honest I would really re-evaluate your decision to be with him. It sounds like you're just prolonging the inevitable break up, and you even stated yourself that you don't feel like you're in a relationship.


You said


I guess I want what he can’t give me at the moment because of his circumstance …


If you really genuinely loved him, you wouldn't see his circumstance as an issue. It would be worth it to drive him home just to see him for a little bit. You would be fine to pay your way because he's trying to better himself as a person by putting himself through school. Stability and success is a very personal thing... Why should you need a car to be in a relationship? Why does a relationship require money? My boyfriend and I both have jobs and you know what we spend most of our time doing? Sitting at the lake. We go for walks together, we go star-gazing. We download movies and games and have nights in more often than not - because we truly enjoy each others company. There aren't any 'tools' necessary to be in a relationship. It requires two people who care about each other enough to make it work - regardless of their circumstance.


I'm sorry you're having a rough go with this and I hope you get your answer and peace of mind.

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