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Having an insecurity relapse, first time in a long time :(


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Hey guys... just when I thought I was doing good. Boyfriend is today at a big game in the city,I only saw him for a few hours this weekend, but he could have seen more if he wanted, but he wanted a day out with his friends yesterday, so I went home. Today he chooses to post up where he is on facebook rather than ask how I am. Not a word from him.


I am being insecure. I know that. I am so annoyed at myself for being like this. But i want to just post here, rather than spend my time thinking about it. Thanks.

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It's all about perspective. You are sitting and waiting to hear from him (remind yourself that it's still pretty early in the morning and he is busy) so you see the Facebook post as a choice between you and something else. To him, it was just a Facebook post. It's pretty typical to post something like that. And a post takes two seconds as opposed to a conversation with a significant other. Maybe it would help you today to make your day busy with plans so that you are distracted and not just thinking about whether or not he contacts you.

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I know that . But it's not that early in the day here . It's 5pm. And it doesn't take

much to say "hi.. How you doing ??". Justventing ....


I think the better question is why you or anyone needs to constant stream of attention in the form of "I love you!" or "How are you?" You ideally will get to the point where you do not need this kind of validation. Ultimately it's just a form of selfishness, as you want those around you to make you the centre of attention at all times. If you truly like the guy, then you'll want him to relax and have a good time with his friends without having to go through a series of obligatory hurdles in order to keep you happy.


It seems that you recognize the behavior for what it is--insecurity/high maintenance. It's up to you to solve it vs. making it his problem.

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Might be time to pick up something to occupy your time, so you don't notice that he hasn't called until before bed or even the next day. Do you have friends? Why not get reacquainted with them and hang out? Pick up some new activities to do that would preoccupy your brain so it isn't centered around the boy - that's the best and easiest way to re-establish security in yourself I think. You need to remember how to be comfortable with yourself again.

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I know I am an insecure person. Prob moreso that your average Jo. But posting on here rather than reacting to him is how I choose to deal with it!! So bear with me!! Right now its after 8pm and I have heard nothing from him all day. If he had the time to call al his friends to see where they were meeting after the game, then surely he could have sent me a quick message.


The advice I would give someone else: Go for a drive, watch a film. So far I have done both of these things. They didn't work!! I am tempted to contact him now and just ask him why no communication, are you having too good a time to contact little old me!! But I know he needs time with his friends without me there. Thing is... we live so far apart and only see each other a couple of hours a week. This can't be changed for now, we need to be in different places due to work.


Venting again

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Honestly, when I had similar experiences the result always was that my insecurities were flagging that something was not quite right. On the other hand even though I was a bit insecure when my husband and I started dating (just the typical worries that it wouldn't work out, etc) there was only one time in the 3 years we dated before we got engaged that I worried that I wasn't hearing from him because he didn't want to be in touch. That feeling lasted a few hours until he called me and told me that he had had unexpected meetings that day and that was why he hadn't been in touch -we'd been dating over a year at that point. I also worried in the very beginning before we were officially a couple that I wasn't hearing from him because he wasn't interested. The rest of the time I never had a chance to worry or even think about worrying - he called when he said he would, I felt comfortable calling him and we both wanted to be in touch every day.

I also would feel badly if my bf had time to post on FB but not get in touch with me in the situation you describe. It sounds like he needs space from you - so it's not necessarily a bad sign for the relationship in general but give him twice the space he seems to want and if he invested in the relationship he'll be in touch soon. I'm sorry you're going through this -it an energy sapper, I know.

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I am tempted to contact him now and just ask him why no communication, are you having too good a time to contact little old me!!


I wouldn't do that. You're already having enough difficulty managing your feelings. Leaking them out sideways on him will not endear you to him--it will annoy him, and it will only make you feel worse when he makes that known.


Nobody likes to feel guilty about going off to have a good time on their own. A partner who nags about that is often a partner who gets dumped. If that's not what you want, find something more constructive to do with your time, your energy and your head space.

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Thanks Batya... I think he should get his priorities right sometimes... esp as we see very little of each other. Some people seem to be able to shake off their insecurities very easily.. but when you have justifiable reasons to feel that way, it can be tough.


Well if it is justifiable to be concerned then it's not really about insecurities is it? It's about knowing how you deserve to be treated and that you're not getting it from that person.

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I can understand what your mindset is as I have been in a similar situation, though there are a few differences here. On one hand I really think it's healthy for partners to spend time apart from each other. You should each have your own individual groups of friends and interests that can keep you busy as it's not healthy to devote every part of you to one person and one person alone. I love my boyfriend more than anything in the world, but there are times when I really just need some time with my own friends, or even have a night in doing nothing by myself, and I would like for him to have the same.


On the other hand, your time together is already very limited and in order to make the relationship work, there needs to be an equal amount of time spent together and communicating with each other openly. Sometimes things might come up every once in a while that interfere with the time you would otherwise be spending together, and that's ok, but it should be respected that you guys have set days to see each other and try to avoid cutting back on that. I would recommend you talk to him, but do it when you're not upset, as we tend to say things we don't really mean and eventually regret when we're angry. Just try explaining to him that you do love him, and you want him to have his time with his friends, but because you don't get much time together you would appreciate him at least contacting you when he can.


Other than that you just need to keep yourself occupied when you're not together, and make sure you get as much time as you can with him and appreciate it when you do. But if he continues to skimp on your days together - like he'll see you for a couple hours but spend the rest of the day with his friends, when he knows you won't see much of each other for a while - I would really re-evaluate your relationship. Couples should want to enjoy each other's company, not avoid it and drop it for the chance to get drunk with their friends that they see often enough.

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