not interested anymore, how do i tell him?

[peanutbutterandjelly]

I was seeing a guy for a little over a month. We made a quick connection and had sex. At one point we both talked and decided that we werent ready for exclusivity and wanted to date casually. I've come to the conclusion that I dont want to even date casually at this point. I wouldn't mind being friends. He wants to get together and tell me about his trip and I don't even feel like seeing him right now. What's the nicest way to let him down?

[Batya33]

If you don't feel like seeing him I wouldn't pursue a friendship either (until you are sure that he is no longer interested in you that way). I would tell him "thank you for the invitation but I have a lot going on right now - can I let you know if my schedule frees up?" And leave it at that.

[Princess123]

If you say anything with a possibility of opportunity it can be taken the wrong way. Just tell him right now you want to be completely single without any attachments of any kind.

[NightLily]

I would just tell him your feelings have changed and you are no longer interested.

[Melting]

I would just tell him your feelings have changed and you are no longer interested.

 

I would go with this one, that way you are being totally honest with him.

[Penseur]

Be direct and straightforward in a civil and considerate way. Even though he may not deserve your affections anymore, he deserves at least that.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

I gonna write him tomorrow. I dont have time right now, because I'm going out to a pretty big party soon. I'm afraid he's gonna think that I dont want him because of some guy I met at the party instead. I really don't want to hurt his feelings.

[Penseur]

I gonna write him tomorrow. I dont have time right now, because I'm going out to a pretty big party soon. I'm afraid he's gonna think that I dont want him because of some guy I met at the party instead. I really don't want to hurt his feelings.

 

Good. While it's great to be empathetic for another, it must be realized that by doing anything other than confronting the issue head on (like fading out), his feelings are likely to be more hurt than the direct path. His feelings will likely be hurt any way you approach it if he likes you, but ironically, to hurt them the least is through honesty.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

should i avoid the word "friends" completely?

[peanutbutterandjelly]

i still havn't sent him a message... i just feel like he deserves more than 1 line.

[CMS]

Just be honest, say your feeling have changed that you cant continue to see him romantically anymore. This is a lot better for him in a long run, trust me.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

i pretty much just said that my feelings have changed and i didnt want to pursue a romantic relationship further... he wrote me back within a few minutes and asked me if id care to elaborate... now i dont know what to say.

[CMS]

i pretty much just said that my feelings have changed and i didnt want to pursue a romantic relationship further... he wrote me back within a few minutes and asked me if id care to elaborate... now i dont know what to say.

 

I would keep radio silence. If you really want to tell him, then tell him the truth, say you just lost the spark with him and you want to explore something new, then go on to radio silence, this is better for him in the long run

[april15]

Try to keep it simple, "No, not really, I am just no longer interested in dating you. It is nothing you did or didn't do, I just am no longer attracted to you. I would give you more information if I had more to give. It is just how I feel and I cannot change how I feel." Change it so it sound like you but keep it honest, straightforward and as short as possible. He may want to stay friends but in my mind that would be a bad idea, he would forever be pining for you.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

well im still attracted to him, but i dont think we would work out in the long run.

 

I just wrote him back and told him that I thought things moved too quickly before i realized that we werent compatible. He wrote me back and told me that he was sad and angry and still doesnt understand "my motivation" whatever that means. i think he thinks i used him.

[motley802]

You owe him an explanation. You dated him and even had a sexual encounter too. Think from his perspective; he might be emotionally involved? Just be honest and explain him why your feelings have changed. And be very clear that its not because of you met some cute guy at the party. Believe it or not; its emotionally shattering experience if girls give you right signals throughout dating and all of a sudden call it off. I've gone through it! Put yourself in his shoes and what would've happened if he had done that to you? Please be little nice and courteous to him.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

i dont really know what explanation to give him other than what i already told him. i knew this was going to hurt him even though a lot people on this site didnt really think he was into me. im gonna miss seeing him, but i didnt want to lead him on. i think from now on im gonna take things mucccch slower. its just hard when there is a lot of initial chemistry, you just want to see and talk to the person all the time.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

still trying to figure out how to respond to him asking what my motivation was... i dont even really understand what he means by that.

[motley802]

still trying to figure out how to respond to him asking what my motivation was... i dont even really understand what he means by that.

 

I believe he wanted to know "motivation" because he wants to know:

 

1. Were you swept off the floor by some sexy guy at the party?

2. Did he offend you anyway so that you are calling it off abruptly?

3. Why didn't you give any hints/signals if you didn't feel chemistry was not right?

4. If you are still attracted to him, what can he do so that you guys work out a relationship?

 

I don't want to be "love guru" here but if you think you are still attracted then give it one more chance. We are all looking for Mr./Ms. Right. But its a fantasy rather than reality. We have adjust all the time for successful relationship. You never know if you miss this person for Mr/Ms Right; how long you have to wait for next one to be even considered closer to that special person?

 

By the way, I just saw your other thread. And it looks like "having kids" is a major. Also mention about that in your response. Be very honest and clear upfront

[peanutbutterandjelly]

i felt like he wasnt really making much of an effort... either that or he was playing games. he texted me once the whole time he was on vacation and before that, he blew off coming to see me when we had made plans before he left which put a bad taste in my mouth... after all that, i kinda realized that we wouldnt be compatible and the spark faded while he was away. even though i still like him, i dont think trying to make things work out would be a good idea, i just cant see anything good coming from that. i dont really know if i should tell him all that though.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

i just dont know if the best way is to explain it out to him or just not give any details. im not sure what would be easiest on him. i think this is really going to effect him, he is like a recluse and doesnt have many people in his life. i think he is a narcissist and doesn't see how he is always constantly thinking and talking about himself. I feel bad for him and think he would be a nice friend to hang out with once in a while, but he is not boyfriend material for me. i feel like maybe i should tell him the truth, but maybe thats not my place. maybe it would help him in the future though, i dont know. i think it would be hard for me to say all that to though, so maybe i should just make it as brief as possible for both of us. maybe we can be friends down the line or something, i dont know.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Don't bother with the truth, especially if you suspect he's a narcissist. They tend to not take rejection or criticism very well. Tell him you have no motivation - you simply lost it.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

i feel bad because he knows I had been meeting other guys, and I have a feeling he is going to assume i am leaving him for some other guy when it has nothing to do with that.

[ny guy]

What he assumes is not your problem. He's an adult who can/should take care of himself. It's too early to worry about what he feels.

 

Staying friends with someone like this will be tough as well. He will no doubt be looking for way more than platonic.

[motley802]

Lot of posters are saying cut it loose. But I still feel you should explain him in detail. We are all human beings not machines. We have feelings and emotions and its not good to play with them. You'll always feel bad about that guy and he will always have ill feelings towards you. So tell most of the things you've shared in this thread. If he gets upset then its not your problem. At least you cared to explain him why it didn't work out.