Just need to vent... Wife had Emotional Affair

[erut07]

So I discovered the affair about 2 weeks ago and I feel like at this point all of the loose ends are coming together and it looks like we are going to come out the other side of this, hopefully with a stronger relationship than before. However, I have only confided in 1 or 2 people about this and I just need a place to vent, so here's my story.

 

Wife and I are a month and a half from our 1st anniversary of our marriage, which also happens to be the 10th anniversary of our relationship. We were high school sweethearts. She had dated a few times before me, but she was my first relationship. We were both each others firsts. We waited so long to get married because we both knew that we had goals and things we wanted to do on our own first, but we knew we were happy and in love so we knew waiting wasn't a big deal. When I graduated from college, I proposed to her a month later, on a trip to Europe in Paris. Our families and friends have always looked at our relationship as "perfect" and an example for everyone else. At our wedding, my dad gave a speech saying how proud he was of us for doing everything the right way. My wife's sister said "I don't think I could believe in love if you guys couldn't make this work". My wife and I always knew that these were naive views, and we had experienced our problems and fights, even nearly broke up a couple times along the way (both of us wanted out at points, but we were always happy together).

 

In retrospect, our relationship has been amazing. She was the pursuer in our relationship. When we first met, I wasn't very interested, she had kind of a low self-esteem and self-worth, but she decided she wanted to date me so she pressed hard. In the end, my friends convinced me to go out with her. I would say our fondness for each other grew slowly, but it grew very strong too. By the end of high school, we were inseparable. She loved me so much, I never felt I needed to be jealous or anything because I knew she'ld never leave me. She was always the jealous one, but I was genuinely not interested in anyone else so there was never anything to worry about.

 

Anyways, over the last 2 years, our lives have changed drastically. In chronological order, she got a good job, I graduated, we got engaged, we bought a house, we moved in together, I got a great job, we got married.... It was quite the tumultuous time period. At our wedding, the smile on my face when she came down the aisle was possibly the the most raw emotion I had ever expressed, because honestly, I didn't even know I was smiling until I saw the pictures and I had the biggest smile on my face I'ld ever seen. She cried when she read her vows to me. Everything was perfect that day, so much so that almost everyone commented on how perfect it was.

 

After the marriage though, the honeymoon was kind of a disaster. We did a quick cruise cause we both had new jobs and we just never clicked the whole time. She felt sick and tired most of the time and I think coming down from the wedding and all the craziness was affecting both of us. We got back home afterwards and began to settle in to our lives together, but there was something very off from that point on. She was struggling to maintain her independence while being a married woman and she was finding out that she wasn't going to be the wife that she thought she would be (cooking/cleaning/domestic/etc...). That stuff didn't bother me, but while she was struggling with her identity, I was battling depression, though I didn't recognize it at the time. I started off filling the void left by the depression with a lot of household chores. Taking care of the yard, painting the walls, building a patio, working on my truck, etc... Sex was becoming fairly rare. I could tell she was never really in the mood, and I, being a young guys, was just horny a lot. So that was added tension.

 

It wasn't until about May that we both really recognized and said something about the distance building between us. I promised her that I was going to stop with the household chores and be there for her more often. Unfortunately the depression turned that into me making her into a "chore". I was with her in every passing moment and all of a sudden, I become reliant on her to calm my nerves. I started getting anxious, and having panic attacks that were really just cries for attention from her. THe pressure on her must have been immense and I couldn't be there for her the way we had always been, as a confidant. To this day, we still say that we are each other's best friends. I'm not sure that will ever change. But over the last couple weeks she has come out and really started pouring her feelings out on me. She told me that for a long time now, not sure when it started, that she has felt we are just really great friends with benefits... Roommates even. I can see what she was saying. I have started seeing a counselor and psychiatrist and am now medicated for my depression, which I feel has brought on a lot of clarity in the past weeks. For anyone out there struggling, don't be afraid to seek help. Medication is a great thing and its not super expensive. Don't be afraid to admit something may be wrong with you...

 

Back to our relationship over the last few months though, I started to suspect something was going on probably 2 months ago. She had made this really close guy friend at work and she had made many changes to her normal routine that threw me off. Turns out she said she was making those changes to try to appeal to me more, but instead it was backfiring because it was making me suspicious and it was drawing more compliments from her male friend. My suspicions manifested in these large emotional outbursts that were becoming a near nightly occurrence. She couldn't feel comfortable around me because I needed her nearby to calm my nerves, but at the same time I was an emotional wreck and she couldn't take those intense outbursts at the rate they were occurring.

 

Meanwhile, her friend from work had become her new confidant and he was (and still is) in a terrible marriage. He married his wife because he felt he couldn't do better and he's having a kid he doesn't want because he wanted his wife to shut up about it. In a way, he's a lot like me. We have the same character. My wife has told me that she believes that's why she was attracted to him, because he reminded her of me back when I was the man she loved unconditionally. However, the problem was that he became almost immediately attracted to her. He would tell her how hot she was. They would flirt (innocently at first) and he would tell her "you know this is real to me". She didn't really believe him, but at some point it became real. They would spend every spare moment at work together, because they couldn't be together outside of work due to marital obligations. Eventually, she admitted to him that she loved him. It got to the point that she began to seriously consider leaving me. All of this happened over the span of nearly 2 months. It was a blur to both of us. However, during that time, my wife and I shared some amazing moments together. Her sister got married and we had and absolutely incredible night at her wedding. My wife says that her confusion was such that she was sure of being with me when we were together, but then when she was with the other guy, she was sure of that being the right thing too.

 

Everything came to a head on August 18th though.... I had been checking her history and noticed she had been using gmail a lot, which she never uses. So I hacked into her account and found some chats between him and her. It became immediately apparent that she had been lying to me.. to my face... with much regularity. There was talk of them getting a hotel room (she says it was never serious, because they both knew what that would mean) and lots of euphimisms for things that I couldn't help but take in the worst possible way. We had a long talk that night and she said she wasn't ready to talk about it all yet because she needed to talk to her counselor first to get her head straight. They had developed very strong feelings, they would hold hands often while walking through the park at lunch, and they had kissed... just once, but it was a real kiss. And that was as far as it had gone physically. At the recommendation of a counselor, we spent the weekend apart. She went to a hotel, I went to a friends and the whole time all I could think was that I she was going to leave me. It was a good move though. I realized that I would be ok if I had to be single again (even though it wasn't what I wanted) and she had her time to herself to start getting her head straight.

 

The next two weeks consisted of her avoiding him at work, and us keeping things light at home. I got on medication right at the beginning of this time period and all of a sudden I felt like myself again, I found my strength in myself, realized I still loved her, and began to fight like hell for her in a healthy way. I became who I feel like I was missing and immediately went into full on support mode. I forgave her for the affair, told her that I would always love her and always be there for her if she wanted me and then we just went about living our lives for a bit to regain a sense of normalcy. This broke down her guards I think and all of a sudden she started pouring out her emotions to me, telling me all the things she wasn't ready to talk about and was afraid would hurt me or crush me. I was happy to take the blows. It felt incredible to be there for her again the way I wasn't able to in the recent past. It wasn't until 2 nights ago that I finally broke through her last guard. She told me everything. How much she loved him, how she felt that our love had become platonic, how close she had come to leaving me. I guess some people would be hurt by all of this, but I felt like I was in my element again. Immediately I told her how logical her feelings were and let her know that she wasn't a bad person for doing the things she had done. I feel like doing these things reminded her that what we have together is deeper than the superficial love she feels for this other guy. We are more than just a couple people who have a lot in common and love each other, we are best friends, confidants, beacons of support and encouragement, and all the great things that I feel like a truly great couple should be. I told her how confident I was that we would get through this and be a better, stronger couple because of it.

 

The next day, she talked with the other guy and asked him what he thought he could give her that I couldn't. He said "nothing" except that he could make her really happy. I think that sealed the deal and I feel like that may have been the point that I won her back. She still wants to talk with her counselor on Tuesday this week before finalizing her decision and she told him that he needed to really think about that question that he asked her and come up with a better answer. I think she is genuinely curious why he fell for her so hard and wants to know that she wasn't just his escape plan for getting out of his marriage. In any case, I am curious. I also know that whatever answer he comes up with, I can beat it. I know that. with 100% certainty. That's why I feel like we are going to be ok even though she still hasn't come all the way out and said it (she did say that the scales are tipped pretty heavily against him at this point).

 

 

It sucks knowing that this happened and I know its something that I will deal with internally for a long time. I feel like it was good for her to realize that she was capable of doing something like this though, because I know she honestly felt like she couldn't ever do this sort of thing. I'm more of a realist and understand that everyone is capable of both good and bad, and that it doesn't have to define them. The things that hurt the most out of all this i think are the lies and the fact that I was being compared to another man... I'll always wonder what he had that I didn't, even if the answer was nothing, I'll always feel like I am missing something.... The only thing that really matters though is that she chooses me in the end. And not because I forced her, but because she really looked at the situation and made that decision. I told her that I wouldn't be her consolation prize. That she needs to really want to be with me if we are going to be together or I would leave her. It wasn't meant to be an ultimatum, but she needed to know that I did have an exit strategy and that her actions were not acceptable even though I forgave her and was committed to being supportive of her while she was figuring everything out. I also reminded her that she doesn't need to worry about me being with her out of obligation because at this point, I could easily get out of this marriage if I wanted to.

 

 

I feel good about things going forward now, but the last few months have been the worst of my life. I'm not sure how she is going to handle her relationships at work going forward and I don't know how we are going to get back to being us, but it seems possible right now. I'm nervous and cautious about what she will ultimately decide, but if/when she chooses me I know I will be as happy as I have ever been. I feel like everything happens for a reason though. For instance, she said if we hadn't been married during all of this, she probably either would have left me or we would have been separated, so I'm glad we got married when we did. There are lots of little things too. I think this is going to be a good experience for her career down the road (she is going to grad school to be a Licensed Professional Counselor). Things like that. I'm hoping we can build a long successful marriage off of this. We'll see. Right now, I'm just really glad things seem like they will be ok.

 

Thanks for taking some time to read my story... I just needed to put it out there I think. Thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

[Smile12]

Wow, Props to you! You are a much more understanding person than I am. I am so so sorry you are having to deal with all of this. I truly hope that you and your wife get back on track after all of this, and that things start going in the right direction for you. You truly seem like a great, genuine guy and I believe you deserve to be fully happy. I, too, have been in a similar situation.. however I don't think I dealt with it as well as you are. Kudos!

[DN]

The next day, she talked with the other guy and asked him what he thought he could give her that I couldn't. He said "nothing" except that he could make her really happy. I think that sealed the deal and I feel like that may have been the point that I won her back. She still wants to talk with her counselor on Tuesday this week before finalizing her decision and she told him that he needed to really think about that question that he asked her and come up with a better answer.

So if he does come up with something better that he can give her that you can't, does that mean she is still going to leave you?

 

I think it is good that you are trying to keep your marriage together but there does come a time when the other partner has to want to as much and I am not seeing that from her.

 

Also - what happens the next time some guy wants her? Suppose he has more to offer?

 

I think perhaps you are being a little too understanding here and need to be much more assertive.

[Smile12]

So if he does come up with something better that he can give her that you can't, does that mean she is still going to leave you?

 

I think it is good that you are trying to keep your marriage together but there does come a time when the other partner has to want to as much and i am not seeing that from her.

 

I also agree with this statement. In my last relationship, I tried much harder than he did. It just wasn't right.

[erut07]

So if he does come up with something better that he can give her that you can't, does that mean she is still going to leave you?

 

I think it is good that you are trying to keep your marriage together but there does come a time when the other partner has to want to as much and I am not seeing that from her.

 

Also - what happens the next time some guy wants her? Suppose he has more to offer?

 

I think perhaps you are being a little too understanding here and need to be much more assertive.

 

Yes that is a very real concern. We will both need to work on ourselves and figure out if this is really going to work long term.

 

The important thing for now is to win her back though imo. We can't work on our relationship if that doesn't happen first.

 

I'm not worried about him coming up with some magical answer. I know I can provide everything that she needs. I've proven it. But yeah, the future stuff is what we need to work on.

[DN]

You should not be winning her back. She should be winning you back.

[erut07]

You should not be winning her back. She should be winning you back.

 

There will need to be a lot of healing on both sides. She definitely has to do some work. I am aware there is a chance that maybe things don't work out because she isn't willing to put in the work. I feel like she has committed to working on this relationship though. We'll see.

 

Like I said, this is a work in progress still. This was an emotional affair, meaning she established a deep emotional connection with another man, not hooked up with him. I think the first step to recovering is me showing her that I can be what she was missing. If I can't do that then what's the point?

 

She will have to prove to me that I am enough though and if she can't do that, then this probably won't work out. I am aware of this. It doesn't mean I don't want to give it a shot.