Life worsens, wants to commit suicide HELP

[Kait]

Well I am 18 years old and my life continues to worsen. I will explain a bit about myself and the reasoning behind my dark temptations of commiting such a terrible act. Ever since I was 11 years old I have suffered severe epilepsy to the point where I have grand mal (intense convulsion) seizures daily. My school has always been interrupted, constantly made fun of by other people. My memory is worsening and so is my hearing. I have had severe side effects from almost every possible epileptic medication there is and now I do not really see a point in living. Not only do I deal with seizures but I deal with other stresses such as my family which is extremely poor at the moment since one of my parents lost their job and a sibling which seems to have deep hatred for me; probably because they haven't matured and may be jealous of the attention I receive for having such a disorder. I still am not sure. But I hate my life. I have called suicide hotlines and everything but I truly just hate myself.

 

I don't want to be seen as someone who is selfish and only cares about themselves and not how their family will feel, but I seriously have no hope or motivation. I cry every night before I go to bed. I pray constantly, but more things keep happening making my life worse.

 

If you have any type of suggestion on what I should do, please tell me now. I'm contemplating on downing all my pills now

 

-Kaitie

[FathomFear]

Hm, well, my first impression after reading your post was "Wow, she writes well". Regardless of whether your seizures are impacting you physically, I think you should take solace in that you clearly have a sharp mind and good communication skills. As I'm sure you know, it could be far, far worse in that regard.

 

As far as thoughts of suicide, I would keep trying to remind yourself that you're 18. It's very easy to allow family/peer stress to overwhelm you at that age, but I can assure that's something that will pass as you assert yourself as an adult and grow into your own identity.

 

For right now, I would try to stay strong. If the urge to commit suicide becomes intense please seek help. I don't even know you but I can tell just by reading your post that you certainly have potential and could provide good to this world. Good luck.

[Timahani]

Hello kait, Just wanted to say that is it wonderful that you are able to articulate such painful emotions on this web page. I myself am very ill and struggle with day to day activities, and although I do not fully understand your circumstances I can relate. One thing that I have learned on my journey through this healing process is, that suffering occurs when there is a lack of unacceptance, and depression occurs when we focus on the negative versus the positive. My hope for you is that all the trials and tribulations that you are facing now, is only God's way of preparing you to mount the platform and spread life, hope, and health to others who have experienced similiar things....this "light affliction" is nothing compared to the "Glory" that you will receive if you "Faint Not".

 

Your life is precious and you are precious. Embrace your individuality,and utilize your suffering to bless others....because you are a blessing :star:

[abitbroken]

I have known people who, as they have matured, their seizures lessen. I had a friend who started having more seizures when she started changing hormonally, that is why I mention it since they started for you at a 11. After she hit about 22, they really started to happen less and less. I know a doctor had said that it was a coincidence, but another said it was possibly because her hormone were balancing themselves out and she wasn't going through any more growth spurts. That doesn't cause seizures but any whack in the body chemistry could possibly change them for someone who has epilepsy. Also, take solace in that new things are being discovered every day about the brain and how it works. It could be possible that in a few years, there is an amazing medication, or that more is discovered to help people without medication. Also, maybe read up on it too - are there certain triggers that make it worse - like the types of foods you eat or activities?

 

Also, if things can't get any worse, it just means that they are going to get better, don't they?

 

btw, are there any support groups where you can meet other people in your shoes?

[Seraphim]

Kait,

 

My sister-in-law developed epilepsy at 9 years old. She went onto University and has 4 degrees and became a teacher. When she was 35 she started seeing a specialist who deals with epilepsy and the specialist feels she can take her down to very minimal or no medication at all, as she might have out grown it. She also changed all her medications because she was so drugged she would fall asleep every afternoon after work and every weekend because her dosage was so high when it did not have to be. You have a lot to look forward to Kaitie, not all situations are permanent.

[HeartGoesOn]

Kait...My heart goes out to you, and I'm sorry you're struggling with this. As another poster suggested, a support group may be beneficial, as well as providing insight into ways of dealing with your situation.

 

Hopefully you'll continue to post, we're here for you.

[thejigsup]

My brother's ex-wife outgrew epilepsy, also. It doesn't stay with you very long once you reach your mid-twenties or so.

[Kait]

This was a very sweet post that it made my heart bounce thank you very much Timahani for your adoration and blessings.

[Kait]

Thank you very much FathomFear for saying I have the potential :star: you have made me feel alot better already that I even decided to go on a quick run to get exercize in. I know it may not seem like much, but positive posts truly believe there is greatness in this world even when I'm sinking at the bottom

[abitbroken]

Did you know that Charles * * * * ens was epileptic? (wow..it censored his name!) Lewis Carroll was, too, and that's how he got the idea of feeling as if he was "going down a rabbit Danny Glover also, but he might have outgrown it. Chanda Gunn who was a bronze medalist for hockey in the olympics has epilepsy. I think she is in her late 20s/early 30s now. Oh and Neil Young...who outgrew it too. The most famous early epileptic was Julius Caesar.

[Kait]

I did not really expect on getting any posts, but thank you all for leaving some. And for those who talked about their friends and people they know who are outgrowing epilepsy, I really hope the same happens to me. It is a sucky disorder which can affect so many things. And I guess I've just gotten so sick of having to telling my parents when I am taking a shower, when I'm walking up and down the stairs, and so forth. I have even had a seizure on a spoon that was on the floor that gave me a terrible scar on my arm. So I guess I am also just tired of being scared all the time and sick of not being able to even work at the moment or drive

[abitbroken]

Some people get specially trained pets who can sense when someone is going to have a seizure. Your body chemistry and smell changes. They can't stop one but can alert you so you have a moment to make sure you are somewhere safe and won't injure yourself on a staircase or around objects, or have a moment to alert someone. I know Leader Dog groups provide dogs free of charge to the blind, but don't know if there is a group that provide helper dogs to folks in your situation. There very well might be. They train mixed breed dogs they save from the pound a lot of times, but I think sometimes there are cats too. You would have a better time though in public with a service/helper dog who would be allowed in school, etc. Maybe a dog would help you feel less dependent on telling your parents what you are doing at all times.

[chitown9]

Kait, do you live in the United States? I have something to tell you if you do. You do not have a suffiecient number of posts yet to send a private message. I think that you need about 20, but I can answer here as well.....chi

[Kait]

Yes chitown9 I do live in the US and I'll try to get more posts. I just found this website today when I was feeling down and decided it might be best to post here before I do anything I might regret.

[Kait]

Hello abitbroken, I have heard of those seizure dogs but they are very expensive which is my only problem, and I really just want to be seizure free. At the moment I am looking into brain surgery since I basically cannot take any medications due to allergic reactions or my body getting used to the medication itself within a few months sadly. Many of those medications can also cause depression which I do not like and I brought up to my neurologist.

[avman]

Hello Kait. I have unlocked your private message capabilities. We have certain safeguards in place to prevent spammers but in unique situations I can override them.

[Timahani]

your'e welcome...glad you feel better

[chitown9]

Yes chitown9 I do live in the US and I'll try to get more posts. I just found this website today when I was feeling down and decided it might be best to post here before I do anything I might regret.

 

Oh, yes Kait. I am so glad that you found us! You have found a site that has people from all over the world on it and you will find so many caring people here. Just keep in mind that because the posters can be anywhere on earth, their posts will appear throughout the day.

 

When you get enough posts, please send me a pm and tell me also what state you are in. It is pertinent to the information that I want to give to you. Hope to get your pm soon!

Alhoa...

 

P.S. I just noticed that you now have the ability to post!!

[ApocalypseDreams]

Hey Kait

 

Firstly, I want to say I'm truly sorry you are feeling like this. None of what you are dealing with is your fault and you have more on your plate than most 18 year olds.

 

You've already recieved most of what I will but I can relate to some of what you say and you seem like a great person so I feel obligated to put my $0.02's worth.

 

I had epilepsy when I was younger and there is the potential that it could come back sometime in my later life - I'm not clear by any stretch. I grew out of it just before I hit my teens but I can appreciate how hard epilepsy is to deal with as an adult as I have a friend who still suffers from it unfortuately. I've just started to realise what an impact epilepsy has had on my own life. I was teased and bullied over it. I've been called a 'retard' by people at my school. I wasn't allowed to do alot of the fun things all the other kids such as go swimming at the beach (something that every child does here because I live in a coastal area where water is a big part of peoples lives) or go on camp. I learnt to swim when I was 12. Not being able to do these things made me an outcast, kids wondered why I was the only person not taking part. My primary school days were disrupted majorly, I was in and out of hospital, I was drugged up at times and can't remember segments of my childhood. In essence I was denied a normal childhood. As a consequence I've been behind people all my life - socially, academically and personally. It's an uphill battle for me in most aspects of life. Last year I got a degree with excellent marks, something I never believed I can achieve when my school reports show that the best I ever achieved was a C or a D grade. You can change things around.

 

As bad as my experience is, to be dealing with epilepsy as an adult on top of the other things going on in your life is something else. I respect you and your strength amazes me. Please don't kill yourself. At 18 that would be a collossal tragedy, don't do it because you are invaluable. People here are correct, as you mature you're epilepsy will change and in all probability lessen. Alot of amazing people have epilepsy and go on to have great lives. This situation you are in won't last forever.

 

There are undoubtably support groups for epilepsy - utilise them. If you are considering suicide, please get help. You are too valuable just to go to waste like that.