ive hit rock bottom and i dont want to feel anything anymore.

[Sweetkisses22]

I miss my ex so much. I tried my hardest to stay away. I was doing good for a month with nc but I just texted him a little while ago. I was watching something on tv that reminded me of him.

 

Me: I miss you.

Him: ok.

 

After everything we went through. After all the times he texted me saying he missed me. I nevet once shot him down like that and acted so cold. I am so hurt. Its officially over. Unknown it is. He never loved me. He never took us as seriously as I did. How could he have with a rresponse like that.

 

I've been histerically crying for over an hour. Im so hurt. I've never felt pain so bad in my life. To the point where I honestly don't see the point in living anymore. He just used me for as ling as he wanted. He took all of my love, he degraded me, used me for sex and money, lied to me, abused me...all for his own gain. And he just threw me away when I loved him so much and gave him all that I could. I have such a head ache from crying. I want it all to end. I don't want to deal with the pain anymore.

 

I don't want this to happen again. I never deserved this. I was so loving and caring to him. Why wasn't I ever enough! I hate myself. I hate what he made me. I just want it all to go away. Someone please help. How do I make the pain go away. I am at the lowest I've ever been in my life and im scared. Why would anyone ever do this to someone who loved them?

[Imprimatur]

I am new here, and I think many have felt the same things. Do lots of reading here. Call a friend to support you. Talk about it and stop the internal monologue. It will get better when you talkj about it.

[Live-N-Learn]

I am really sorry for your suffering my friend. What he said was really cold and heartless but it sounds like that is who he is. You mentioned how poorly he treated you. My question is why on earth would you want him back? You deserve so much better. Have you considered therapy? The issue really has more to do with you. Why do you chose men that treat you this way? Not trying to be hard on you but the answer lies within. hugs

[Sweetkisses22]

Idk how this can ever get better. I've been trying to heal for 6 months and this is where I am. I just don't want to live anymore. Every relationship I get into they hurt me. I can't trust anyone! He was the one person who promised he'd never be those other guys. He turned out to be worse. He has made me out to be someone I don't even recognize.. I don't want to be around anyone. I just feel stupid for crying over such an * * * * * * * but I did love him. And I hate myself for loving such a d.I.c.k. I hate him.. I hate him so much! I hope someone hurts him the way he has hurt me. This will never go away. I will never trust anyone ever again.

[SapphireNoir10]

Nearly everyone has been through what you are going through. Heartbreak happens a lot. And it hurts like hell, but in time, it honestly DOES get better. I thought sometimes I'd never get over it and i'd be unhappy forever. But then I'd go out with friends, laugh, meet new people and realise my life was still fun and great without him. My life was fun before my ex so why shouldnt it be fun without him.

[Sweetkisses22]

Nearly everyone has been through what you are going through. Heartbreak happens a lot. And it hurts like hell, but in time, it honestly DOES get better. I thought sometimes I'd never get over it and i'd be unhappy forever. But then I'd go out with friends, laugh, meet new people and realise my life was still fun and great without him. My life was fun before my ex so why shouldnt it be fun without him.

 

But its been 6 months why haven't I gotten over this yet! I don't want to feel this pain and loneliness everyday. Im so scared im going to end up alone. Every guy i've ever been with has hurt me. I don't deserve it. Im a nice person and guys just always take advantage of me. I tried to stand up to my ex so many times. I didn't believe the things he'd say and I call him out on it. But he would always talk me out of everything, he was so manipulative!

[ForumGuy]

I'm so sorry, this is one of the roughest stories I have read on here. You are right, you don't deserve it and I hope you can find some way to get feeling better. Stay on here and read posts by others in similar situations. You will eventually meet someone else that will treat you better. Please don't believe that everyone is as cruel as this guy was.

[SapphireNoir10]

I've been with a guy who beat me up, another guy who lied constantly, then a guy that got into drugs and emotionally abused me. BUT then I met someone wonderful, who treats me amazing. But in the space between I realised I can and can be happy by myself. I've got a lot in my life to be thankful for.

 

It takes everyone a different amount of time to heal. And if you feel really stuck it might be time to speak to a counsellor or a doctor. Theres no shame in asking for help in this hard time.

[Thorshammer]

You are chaining events of your past with your most recent break-up, and its building up to some titanic explosion. Stop it! Your history, and your ex, are bad people. Bad in terms of the moment, or bad because they just are. Dont judge your future on bad people from your past. Let me say that again, dont write out your future based on very bad people from your past, dont give them that power, dont let all those things build up, they arent gods, they arent magical, they were idiots that worked their way to you. Its an experience, use that to figure out the difference between bad and good. I have been with idiots as well, and i look back and I know what I am looking for due to those experiences. How do you know which person is best for you without meeting people who are bad for you? Remember what they did, remember the signs, the gestures, the exuses, and keep those.. and when you see them again in someone else... WALK OUT. These are very valuable life lessons. Take this experience and APPLY IT. Be eager to meet someone new and apply the new knowledge you learned to figure out whos an idiot that will mess you up, and dont be afraid to say... "its not working out... you are not my type...bye!"

 

And dont ever give up hope. I know 70 year olds that are hooking up easy. Its never too late. Be confident, be happy, be secure, and when you love yourself and your life, then others will too (very simply said, but trust it rings true).

[thejigsup]

I'm not trying to demean you or anything, but someone will only treat you badly more than once if you let them. Next time, a guy starts sh*t with you...WALK!

[ChocoBears]

Hey,

 

I read that you've been broken up for 6 months but have only done NC for 1 month. I think that's why you're still feeling bad, if you've been in contact with him the initial 5 months post breakup. The more you stay in touch, the more it hurts and the more it prolongs your healing period.

 

I have felt that way, like you. I've cried for hours, sometimes well into the night. It has felt like the worst pain ever, that I was never going to get through it, that I was never going to feel any different. It felt like the lowest point in my life, and that no one and nothing could have made me feel worse. The feeling passes, however.

 

Also realize that sometimes we have self-esteem issues that need to be addressed so that others don't take advantage of us. We learn to recognize red flags, inappropriate behaviors, we learn to say no, we learn to walk away (that part is really hard for me). You teach people how to respect you with your actions, by walking away when they disrespect you.

 

One thing that has helped me was to channel the hurt into anger. I don't know if this is the healthiest thing but it has helped me see him in a completely different, ie, negative light. Once you see him in a negative light, you begin to see that he is not worth your love or attention.

[Sweetkisses22]

We have been broken up for 6 months and nc more than just one month. This recent month we went nc for a whole month until now. But we were nc for like 2 months before. Then he would try to come back into my life. Then id go nc again when I saw he didn't change and then he'd come back again. It was an on and off thing. When I ignored him he would always try to come back. It just hurts so much that he would be so cold to me after everything.

 

Last night i cried for 3 hours straight. I think I had some type of bad reaction Idk but my face swelled up abnormally and I had the worst head ache. My throat closed up too. It was just awful. All for this bastard. I hate him. I just want to try without anyone anymore. No one wants to love me. They all want to hurt me.

[symbiot]

Sweetkisses, I feel your pain. I'm sorry for your lose. It's been 7 mos for me and I still cry. She promised me she'd always be there no matter what. Our relationship was damn good with very very little strife but now she is gone from me too. She told me she may even ask me to marry her. Now she's in the arms of another. I have never hated someone as much as I love the both at the same time. Stay on here so we can all help eachother. You will get through this. Stay here. PM me or anyone else if you need.

[Dharavi]

I know how u feel, I'm feeling it also. It's really a shame when you give your heart to other person and the other just cannot deal with it and use it like a ego booster. But believe me with time those people will regret because it's so difficult nowadays to have people who are so genuine and lovely. From his reaction, you are seeing what type of person he is and then u can see that is no good for you. Sure it hurts (again I'm in the same situation) but only in moments of stress you see the real personality of a person and he is no good for you. Believe me, what you have to do is a list of what you want in a man and being the person that you are do never but never let them abuse you; make your boundaries. In the moment you make that you will gain much more respect and see much better the type of person he is.

Also, and this is the step that I'm giving, u have to see that being single is not so bad. U have time to love yourself (remember you are always by yourself until the end) and in the moment that you really do that u will really love because u r not projeting your lacks in another person and also the other person will love you and respect you the way you are.

I really wished that things like love would be really easy, it's just the chemistry and nothing else but it's a lot more than that.

Go enjoy what you are, make something that you love be positive and I unsure you that things will go for better!

Much love...

[ChocoBears]

I understand. I went through something similar, but my breakup is very new. He'd keep trying to come back into my life, and I'd be weak and give in, and not enforce my NC. For some reason I just cannot say no to him. I think it's because I still love him. Seems like he's just coming back for an ego-stroke and isn't serious about getting back together. I know it's very difficult to let go of a relationship, even if it's w/ a jerk, and that's why NC is so difficult, because you are forcing the (hope of the) relationship to die.

 

Don't think that no one wants to love me or that they all want to hurt you. Some did, but not all. Improve your self-esteem and establish boundaries. You'll learn how to spot jerks quicker, and make sure you're not afraid to walk away when they over-step your boundaries. Keep up w/ the NC and you'll feel better sooner.

[Sweetkisses22]

Thanks everyone for the support but I know that from here on out im going to be in so much emotional pain. I woke up today telling myself it is a new day and I will be better. But I still feel the pain inside. I've been playing guitar all day to distract me but it just reminds me of him. Of how he hurt me. Not just the songs buy my playing in general. I taught myself how to play about a year ago. Right when we first started getting into fights. I wanted to make it a hobby so I didn't focus on him as much. Well I turned out ti be really good at it and never once has he ever said anything about it. I learned to play a song that was kind of our love song for us and I sent it to him once and he didn't even reply. I was like did you get it? He's like yea ill watch it later. He never got to it and when he did watch it he didn't say anything about it. No thank you nothing. It just made me realize how much he never appreciated me. All the things I did for him was never enough. He always made me feel like I was worthless. And when id tell him that he'd say its all in my head. Its him! He knew it was. He never cared about anything in my life. Never cared to ask what was going on. It was always about him. Im just so hurt. I gave him everything and I tried so hard. So hard I don't think anyone could understand how hard I tried to make the relationship work and he just didn't care and through it all away. And stole 800 from me too. He has no remorse.

[Sweetkisses22]

Sweetkisses, I feel your pain. I'm sorry for your lose. It's been 7 mos for me and I still cry. She promised me she'd always be there no matter what. Our relationship was damn good with very very little strife but now she is gone from me too. She told me she may even ask me to marry her. Now she's in the arms of another. I have never hated someone as much as I love the both at the same time. Stay on here so we can all help eachother. You will get through this. Stay here. PM me or anyone else if you need.

 

I thought we were great together too. He was always so happy when he was with me until the end. Toward the end he didn't even care to spend time with me. He also said he wants to marry me. It just hurt so much. Everything I dreamt was with him. Now that he's not going to be around Idk how i'm suppose to complete those dreams anymore. I just kiss when we were happy. When he would hold me in his arms and tell me how much he loved me and have long talks in bed. I just it so much. I miss his face his kisses. Everything.

[Sweetkisses22]

Thanks everyone for the support but I know that from here on out im going to be in so much emotional pain. I woke up today telling myself it is a new day and I will be better. But I still feel the pain inside. I've been playing guitar all day to distract me but it just reminds me of him. Of how he hurt me. Not just the songs buy my playing in general. I taught myself how to play about a year ago. Right when we first started getting into fights. I wanted to make it a hobby so I didn't focus on him as much. Well I turned out ti be really good at it and never once has he ever said anything about it. I learned to play a song that was kind of our love song for us and I sent it to him once and he didn't even reply. I was like did you get it? He's like yea ill watch it later. He never got to it and when he did watch it he didn't say anything about it. No thank you nothing. It just made me realize how much he never appreciated me. All the things I did for him was never enough. He always made me feel like I was worthless. And when id tell him that he'd say its all in my head. Its him! He knew it was. He never cared about anything in my life. Never cared to ask what was going on. It was always about him. Im just so hurt. I gave him everything and I tried so hard. So hard I don't think anyone could understand how hard I tried to make the relationship work and he just didn't care and through it all away. And stole 800 from me too. He has no remorse.

[confusedg]

Yes, it feels like the end of the world. The pain has a texture - it is nauseating (it physically causes nausea), it is debilitating. Yes. Yes. Yes.

 

And one day, it gets ok. Till that day you cannot believe those who say this.

 

Till that day you are walking like a zombie through the streets, crying on trains, falling asleep with the fatigue of crying, at stations, by the road side. If it is bad, that is.

 

And then one day you notice the flowers. A curtain descends and seperates you from the past.

 

But till then, there is grief.

 

Therapy helps. Really.

[SorrowandPain]

sweetkisses,

 

Please go and get therapy. You can't live this way anymore. You need to work out the issues that have lead you to finding these types of relationships. I suspect that you have some unresolved childhood abandonment issues that have been festering and everything is now coming to a boiling point because of your most recent loss. Talk to your friends, talk to people on here, talk to a therapist. I know the type of pain you're feeling is unbearable; so much so that no one should have to feel it but you have to work through it otherwise you'll find yourself in the same destructive pattern. I suggest getting Getting Past your Breakup by Susan Elliott and The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. I haven't finished the former but it seems to be really great and there are some great exercises that are pragmatic and necessary for you to get over your grief. The latter will give you great insight into your grieving and how your past has affected everything from today.

 

Please be strong. You don't need to be in a relationship with someone like that. Getting over this won't be easy. I still haven't gotten over my current break up but we have no option but to fight. Just know that a vast number of people have felt the pain you're feeling and many become strong because of it.

[Sweetkisses22]

Yes, it feels like the end of the world. The pain has a texture - it is nauseating (it physically causes nausea), it is debilitating. Yes. Yes. Yes.

 

And one day, it gets ok. Till that day you cannot believe those who say this.

 

Till that day you are walking like a zombie through the streets, crying on trains, falling asleep with the fatigue of crying, at stations, by the road side. If it is bad, that is.

 

And then one day you notice the flowers. A curtain descends and seperates you from the past.

 

But till then, there is grief.

 

Therapy helps. Really.

 

So true!!!

[Sweetkisses22]

Thanks so much. And yea my father left us when I was like 8 but I don't think that was really it. I never really liked him. He treated my mother very badly. But I every guy I've ever been with has hurt me or taken advantage of me because im nice. I don't let guys walk all over me except this one time. I always fight back but this time its like every time I fought back he always had to win.. im going to try those books since I do love to read. Thanks!

[SorrowandPain]

I'm no expert and this is definitely a post-hoc analysis but perhaps you never got over your father leaving you. You said that you never liked him and he treated your mom poorly. Maybe you're falling for guys who have your father's characteristics and you're trying to win over these guys to prove that you're loveable - something that you feel your father didn't show you. Again, I'm not an expert and that's why you should talk to a therapist and work through the issues that you have. I am currently doing that and although I'm not sure it will end up working in the end, I'm thinking to myself that there is no other option and I will defeat my inner-demons. You certainly can too.

 

Also, whatever you do, DO NOT contact him. It will only prolong your healing. The relationship is over. Contacting him does you harm because when you send the message, you know one of two scenarios will occur:

 

1. He ignores you and you feel rejected and hurt all over again.

 

2. He sends you a dismissive message like the one he sent you and you feel rejected and hurt all over again.

 

So as you can see, there is no positives to contacting him. Do not let him contact you. From your post, he is not good for you or good to you. Do not let him walk in and out of your life as he pleases to fulfill his desires. You deserve better than that.

[Sweetkisses22]

I know. You are right. I have blocked him from my phone. Now I just got to stay away from HIM. Im okay right now though. I feel much better than yesterday. But I still miss him. I wont contact him. I know its over. Its just hard to grasp the fact that well never see each other again.

[symbiot]

Sweet, I'm glad you feel better today. When I was fresh into my BU it took me atleast 5 mos to have even 1 good day. I still don't have many. It was like this:some horrible days, some bad days,some not so bad days, some numb days. It's a rollercoaster but like everything in this life even life comes to an end and you will get there someday. You are doing just what you need to be doing to heal right now. Thats why you're here. You are insticntually finding the advice and caring you so badly need right now. deal with your feelings. Don't push them away. You will heal faster and more completely if you don't deny them. They are what make you human and give you the huge capacity to love.