3 months in - just dumped for her 1yr ex-bf

[alphadragon]

I am 27 male, she is 31 female. She is 10/10 physically, mentally, socially. She is very loyal and commits slowly but at 100%. She also breaks out of relationships slowly.

 

I was just dumped 3 days ago over a relationship of 3 months. Everything was really good (the physical and the mental were both good, saw each other 1-2x / wk on busy schedules, communicated almost daily, and looked forward to the future) up until when she went on a 10 day vacation/wedding back home (other side of the world). The day after she came back (we had a preplanned dinner), she was pretty cold and dumped me straight up. I knew something was off when she didn't contact me the day she got back, also she received flowers that day at work and i just got a platonic msg back, and among other things when i asked her to wear red to the dinner she didn't. Apparently her ex-bf from right before me went to her home while she was there and asked for a 2nd chance. And she said she still had some feelings for him, and even though she didn't believe it would work, she wanted to give it a shot. I had a very slight inkling she was seeing someone the whole time, because she seemed emotionally unavailable at times and I saw some pictures on her friend's facebook which depicted her with this other guy (her ex-bf of 1 yr) when she went to vegas/LA while we were dating. It was weird because while she was on those trips she was in good communication with me, and when we were together it was oh so hot! But the relationship did not seem 50/50 from an effort perspective (more like 80/20). So when i was dumped I actually was not surprised that I got dumped, but rather that she would dump me for this average F*$@ing chump (this is so confusing because most people say confidence is the biggest thing women want, and of which I am extremely confident, to the point where she would make fun of me for being almost too confident!).

 

It sucks because I fell for her. A number of times I thought she could be the one. I'm an extremely confident, successful, social, smart, and attractive guy that also happens to be really genuine and nice. From a lot of the advice and reading material I got online, through books (like The Game) and through friends - I think some of the advice backfired with this particular girl. For example, she flaked on me once and was late another time, both of which peeved me so I took my time to repsond to her and busted her balls for it. I don't think she really liked that. Or, when she asked me tricky "girl" questions like "did you have a good time with me last night" or "do you miss me", instead of replying very straightforward, I would flirt a little bit (of course in a positive way).

 

After our last date (which was a really good date BTW until she bombshelled me during desert) on the way home, I think I got some closure, it seemed a few things about me bothered her (i.e. My INTJ type being "cold", and I sometimes seemed uninterested in her or I was playing games). At any rate, late that night I sent her a FB message and basically thanked her for being honest, that i will respect her decision and wish her good luck. I also said I realized the mistakes I made and that I will take it as a lesson for next time, and that I believe that we didn't really do anything wrong, but that timing was just bad and I'm not going to fight it. I also left it open ended saying I would be there for her if she needed anything. She didn't reply but she also didn't block me on FB so I take it that as a good sign.

 

I'm emotionally over her already, but I still think about her, and I think this has made me stronger, having spent quite a few hours reading up on this stuff. My gameplan moving forward is to make myself a better person. With respect to her, I am actually going to be seeing her in vegas this wknd since we have mutual several friends bday party, but since I am in a really good mood (ironic!?), I am going to play it casually and be friendly towards her but not ask for anything. If anything, I'll just get more closure and tell her I have learned a lot and if there ever was a second time things would be different. And at the same time, me being me I will be super social and confident and strong and chill with other people....i am pretty sure that will make an extremely good impression and i do think she will come running back to me (no whether i take her back or not will be another thread!)

[DylanNotorious]

Oh ok, do you plan to talk to her when she might bring her new man to the bash?

[Hollyj]

Your threads contradict one another: In one you say you're over her but, the other questions when she will come running back??????

[jjcool00]

I think one of the reasons your "in a good mood" is because you sensed this was coming. All of her shadyness and doubts were confirmed finally and it did provide you closure and the ability to lift this huge weight off your back. Sometimes that feeling can override the feeling of grief or dispair and help you move on even more. Seeing her might trigger something different so make sure you re-read your post here to reclaim this feeling if you lose it.

[alphadragon]

Oh ok, do you plan to talk to her when she might bring her new man to the bash?

 

i dont' think her ex-bf is coming to this. he runs in different friend circles and she mentioned earlier that for her this was a girls trip out (shes crashing with all girls room anyways). but if she does, i am going to just be friendly and mostly ignore her

[alphadragon]

Your threads contradict one another: In one you say you're over her but, the other questions when she will come running back??????

 

ok, you might be right - i am probably not 100% over her since obviously i am on these forums, but maybe trying to get some closure here. I ask when she will come running back so i can get a sense of timing and what usually happens in these sorts of situations, but if she does or if she doesn't what I will do with myself and what I will do in contacting her will remain the same

[Hollyj]

I would examine why you would want her back. It seems as if she has been seeing the ex while you were dating, so how could you possibly trust her again?

 

I know you're hurt but, she does not seem trustworthy. Perhaps, you should find someone who values you and has moved on from the ex.

 

And, no more games!

[donpeel83]

Yea, first of all dont try and move on and better yourself in the hope that it will make her go "Oh, what a guy." If you do decide to try and improve yourself etc, then do it for the right reasons. Do it for you.

 

From reading the last paragraph im really doubting you are over her to be honest. Not to have a go, as its natural to think and feel what your thinking, but all the actions you plan on carrying out - improving yourself, acting cool and non-chalant etc you're clearly doing it all for the wrong reasons in my book. Your doing in the hope it will win her back. Would you seriously want to get back with someone who would happily drop you just like that? Your worth more mate. Go to the parties but make sure you go to have a good time and not to try and snare your ex with a false image of who you hope you are i.e. super confident and over her.

 

Also, not that I want to be harsh, but as she was with the ex alot longer than she was with you for, and as she still had feelings for him, is it not possible that to her you were a rebound?

[donpeel83]

your ex is emotionally unavailable..still attached to her ex. forget her man.

 

Pretty much straight to the point.

[Pinnacle]

The way you typed out your post reeks of PUA lingo. From Average Frustrated Chump, to the book you read, flaking, "girl" question = poo (think expletive here) test, telling us you are going to be a super confident, chill, fun, don't care dude.

 

Here's the thing. The problem with all the advice you get online and from friends is that a woman can sniff it a mile away when you are faking your own behavior. Confidence for the sake of being confident and always running C & F because you are told it works. Once she senses a moment of incongruence between your true behavior and fake behavior it is over. What the truly ironic thing here is that this woman is supposedly 100% awesome and loyal...but she dumps you for some dude she spent a weekend with as he asked her for another chance. Instead of standing by you she jumped ship in one trip. That isn't loyalty.

 

I don't think she thought you were the confident dude you thought you were. Hence the comment of making fun of you for supposedly being "overly confident." Unplug from internet advice, put down the book, and stop over thinking this. The fact you are game planning is a set up for failure. Somewhere down the line you will probably crack and beg to know why she ended it for this AFC and she will have two men fighting for her attention. She wins and one of you loses in this so called game.

[Hollyj]

she is past 30. how can she be a 10? the fact that you are 27 she should be honored you are giving her the time of day.

 

You've got a lot to learn! What a ridiculous comment!

[SeekFortitude]

she is past 30. how can she be a 10? the fact that you are 27 she should be honored you are giving her the time of day. you should be dating girls 21-24. your ex is emotionally unavailable..still attached to her ex. forget her man.

 

 

This has got to be THE STUPIDEST comment have read to date on ENA.

[alphadragon]

so i ran into her in vegas and i don't think anything really changed between us other than me getting a 'lil bit of closure and probably making her less attracted to me (the opposite of what i was intending). I hadn't contacted her at all since she dumped me, except for the closure/good luck email the night she dumped me.

 

we ran into each other on saturday at the Tiesto concert with many mutual friends. She seemed standoffish but was open to talking with me. Her body language obviously showed she was ignoring me and/or was uncomfortable around me. I kept the conversation light and about how i was doing, how she was doing, and about the event. Just when one of the beats dropped, she came over to me and opened up, we kept it light but not for long I said something somewhat stupid about something I had done earlier and I guess that killed the night. She and her girl friends ended up bouncing somewhere else because one of them didn't really like the music.

 

I saw her again on sunday afternoon after everyone had woken up. We all took a lil bit of weed cookie and then went down to the pool. She was helping some friends out upstairs but I texted her that I wanted to talk with her. She came down to the pool with one of her friends and then she and I went into the water. I started to have a serious talk with her, first thanking her for dumping me because it seemed like a big burden was lifted from my shoulders, and also to thank her because I realized a lot about myself in the last few days. I told her that contrary to her belief that I wasn't interested in her, I actually was at the time and that I made a mistake in following "player" advice (of being hot and cold, and projecting a popular-like image) and that for her, that was definitely not the right thing to do and that I should have just been natural. I told her that in the end I only wanted to her to be happy, whether or not it included me did not matter. She said she was really high at the time and she said she understood what I was saying but couldn't really respond, so I took her back up and she went to sleep.

 

Later that night, we all went out clubbing. I texted her to get ready at X time, she replied back yes and a smiley. Then I guess she was a bit pissed at me because I told her to rush to be ready at 9pm so they skipped food, and then everyone ended up waiting till 10:30pm anyways. While we were waiting, I tried to talk to her but she was extremely standoff-ish, only responding with simple responses to anything I said. At the same time, one of my guy friends who recently was single and also knew of my situation with this girl started to talk with her. They ended up talking a ton and she was laughing a lot so I left to walk around. By 10:30 we went into the club and got all set up. In the club, at some point I sat down next to her and we started chatting, then there was some dead silence and she just got up, went up to my guy friend from earlier, snapped a picture and again they started talking again. As the night progressed those two hit it off very very well, kino and everything was very good (from a pickup perspective it was almost perfect). They both drank a lot and around 1:30-2pm they were both somewhat "together" dancing. I was very pissed and ended up dancing with another girl in our group. I'm a very good dancer and clubs are where I rule. I'd been to clubs before with my ex so I'm quite certain if she just wanted to have a good time she would just have to hang out with me. It was very ironic because the other girls in our group were VERY into me. They aren't * * * * s either, they are all very successful, intelligent women. One girl was constantly throwing ice down my shirt and trying to get me to dance with her, another girl was checking out my ass and trying to get me to walk around ( * * * ?) and the girl I was dancing with was very open sensually. I ignored all of them except the girl I was dancing with (who knew of my situation and couldn't believe the mutual guy friend was doing what he was doing). Around 3am, I couldn't take it anymore and left for home. The next day I found out my guy friend wasn't really trying to hit on my ex (through the girl I was dancing with), and that my ex had left around 4am to go to another club with some of her other friends. She said she got really drunk and lost her phone there. Which is very atypical of her...

 

In the morning I ran into a really good friend of hers and mine, I asked her what was going on with my ex. She said she didn't really know, it didn't make sense and that the reason she broke up with her last ex-bf was because he wasn't affectionate enough. I know for a fact that I was extremely affectionate with my ex both publicly and privately so maybe the reason she wanted to "try me out" was due to her ex's deficiency? She said she was going to talk to her, and i got the feeling that she was going to help me out since she did give me a few tips on how to reach back out to the ex in a few months. She said that my ex was a very nice girl, and would definitely meet for whatever reason even if she didn't have to (meaning just because she agreed to chat with me doesn't mean shes back to being interested in me).

 

I ran into her again today in the afternoon, I walked back to their room with a friend I was having lunch with. The friend left, and I ended up talking with my ex who was getting ready in her room. She seemed really open to talking to me, but kept the conversation platonic around events etc rather than how I was doing, how she was doing, anything in the future, or anything related to our relationship (unless i brought something up). I asked her if she remembered anything I said from the other day and she said yes, most of it. I brought up a few points to reiterate and she didn't really respond. I asker her straight up what she was looking for when we started dating, and she said that she actually wasn't really looking for anything, that she wasn't really looking to start a new relationship nor was she looking for something casual. It is ironic because she says she doesn't do casual relationships, only LTR. She said that when I asked her to be my girlfriend (this was around the 10th or 12th time we met, 2nd time we hooked up, around 5th wk in) she didn't say yes because she wasn't ready to get into a relationship. I told her I sensed that was holding her back and in retrospect it is good that she dumped me because otherwise she wouldn't be able to give a relationship due diligence. I told her that dumping me actually came at a good time because I needed to cut a bunch of stuff from my life anyways, to focus on this and that and to make myself a better person. She said not to think about it too much.

 

So in conclusion, my mind seems settled that she just wasn't ready to jump into another relationship, whether now (today) or even when we started dating. I think logically I still have a shot with this girl down the line, if she ever becomes available and ready. Illogically, based around my feeling that she was very un-attracted to me in the last couple of days, it seems that this will never happen. But the most confusing thing I still can't wrap my head around is whether or not what happened yesterday night at the club between my guy friend and her was just "clubbing fun" or if something will ever develop out of it. Because if something did, then everything that I've just reasoned out in the last week goes out the window.

 

I am going to move on, I have a few things in the near future that I want to work on - for myself - stronger inner strength, inner game, and maturity. I'll probably reach out to this girl in a month or two but I'm going to put her on my friend list for now so if something happens or doesn't happen it will not matter.

[learning2relax]

You are trying too hard....... If you are that confident, and over the breakup, you wouldn't be talking to her so much about it.