alphadragon Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 how long usually until the dumper (female) reaches back out to the dumpee (me - male)? i was just dumped 3 days ago - we dated for 3 months - all was very good until she got back from a 10 day trip home (wedding), where we kept in good but sparse communication, which she initiated. The day after she came back, we had a preplanned dinner and during dinner she dumped me, saying she really likes me but her ex-BF of 1yr went to see her back home during the trip and asked for a 2nd chance and that she still had feelings for him. she is the type that will commit 100% and is extremely loyal, and typically does not break out of relationships easily. She is also extremely attractive physically, mentally, socially, and gets a lot of attention. Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 Well she doesn't commit 100% as she is going back to her ex-boyfriend. She may come back to you if her ex-boyfriend dumps her again. So you want to be second best? Link to comment
MakeItCount Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 Who says they come running back? How long were they broken up for before you guys started dating? Link to comment
professorplum Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 Exactly - there is no guarantee that they do I'm afraid. Your situation is very similar to mine in that the woman I was with reached out 2.5 years later (by which time I was with someone else and had long given up hoping). Yes it is possible she will and you can blame timing as I did, but you also can argue as people did to me at the time, that she would not have done that to you in spite of the ex sniffing around if there was something special there. It took me 9 months to finally give up hope so please try not to live your life waiting and hoping because it can be very destructive to your well being. MIC's question is very pertinent as in my example they had been together for years in the past and then even when I heard from her again over 2 years later , she admitted he was still in the background. She couldn't break the 'drug' - she called it a phase but it was a very long phase in my opinion. Link to comment
alphadragon Posted September 2, 2011 Author Share Posted September 2, 2011 Who says they come running back? How long were they broken up for before you guys started dating? that is a good point - My guess is a few months prior myself, but I am not sure if she ever really left him since she continued to see him without explicitly telling me on several occasions when we were dating. She went to vegas on one wknd and had "a friend visiting from out of town" another wknd. These were all group/friend trips though, surrounded with other mutual friends. At the time I thought he was just an orbiter and I am very confident in myself so I took it with a grain of salt. A bit more info about her, she mentioned a few times that it is very hard for her to come out of relationships and that it usually takes a while. If anything at all, i think they had a soft breakup or she just wanted some emotional space from him, and that time period was probably a month or so. That being said, she was also actively dating other people (because when we were dating she said this other friend of ours asker her out and she considered it but it didn't work out because of the difficulty in meeting up) and the mutual girl-friend that introduced us (the mutual friend said "isn't she cute? you should go dance with her") invited her out for ladies night to meet with me and my friends (to hook us up?). Plus I know this ex is not very expressive (she also said that herself), but with me she is very PDA and even when we * * * * ed i knew she hadn't done anything with her ex for a while. So maybe I was the rebound And no, I am not going to be sloppy seconds I am actually going to be seeing her this wknd in vegas because our mutual friends are having bday parties here. I'm actually in a really good mood and am just going to be very alpha and casual around her. My vegas, social, party mood is actually one of my best game that shows great personality so If that doesn't win her back right then at least she'll have good memories for the future. Link to comment
Angel Irulan Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 Three months is not a lot of time to miss a man you decided to break up with, actually. She may never come back. I wouldn't think you'd want her back anyway? If you do, get therapy! Angel Link to comment
ForumGuy Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 A typical dumper cycle begins with general happiness at being free. Once this stage settles down, reality sets in and this is where they might re-think their decision. That is an awful big MIGHT though, and most of the time they just continue on with life, not wanting to risk going back and having it fail again. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 I've dumped all of my previous boyfriends due to problems in the relationship and how they were treating me. I never looked back! If I missed them, I recognised that and I reminded myself of our problems and that there would be someone out there who was better. Link to comment
happymeboy Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 Bro, i think ur ex was in a rebound relationship with u and quite honestly, your situation goes strictly by the reboun-book. She going back to her ex is a terrible sign she is not even thinking of you.Basically,u were a good distraction for a while,nothing else.Dont get offended,its just the way it is. Always be careful with initiating something serious with a lost soul (just ended relationship).It happened only once to me and very painful but get urself a single chick and move on. Link to comment
happyfrank Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 I commend your spirit alpha. She wasn't over her ex and it's good this happened now and not few more months when you had stronger feelings. Have fun in Vegas. If she comes back crawling.... denie. Link to comment
Nick Lansing Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 This sounds a bit like my last ex. He was still her friend, and they were in the same club and he as friends with her brother, but I thought he was no threat, by how she talked about him (all sad she'd dumped him, etc.). She and I got along amazingly well, but then she abruptly cut it off after 3 months together. A few days later they were back together. The guy seems way below her but... I guess I was her rebound and she never really worked through her feelings about him. Anyway, to answer your question, if it doesn't happen more or less right away, it will probably take at least a few months to contact you about a possible reconciliation -- and that's assuming she and the guy she's with don't work out (an excellent possibility, by the way). At least, that's been my experience. And by then, hopefully you'll have moved on. Leave her with a good impression man. Don't get crazy with her at Vegas. Just play it cool. Link to comment
Melting Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 Why would you want someone, who has feelings for another? Link to comment
professorplum Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 I think it is fair to say that having strong feelings for someone can sometimes trigger illogical reactions to what they say or do. Although you pose a very reasonable question, it is not always possible to see things rationally. Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 why do people think that the dumper always comes back eventually? I'm pretty sure most don't. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 why do people think that the dumper always comes back eventually? I'm pretty sure most don't. The vast majority don't. I myself never went back. I'm a level-headed person and I know when something isn't going to work. I don't leave in a huff and then realise that I'm wrong. I've done a lot of thinking beforehand. People want to think that the dumper comes back because it makes them feel better. Plain and simple. Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted September 3, 2011 Share Posted September 3, 2011 why do people think that the dumper always comes back eventually? Well, maybe the one to ask is the OP's ex... the one going back to her ex? Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted September 3, 2011 Share Posted September 3, 2011 why do people think that the dumper always comes back eventually? I'm pretty sure most don't. They have in my case, all of them. I speak for myself, but they just never found better, so they go back to what was better. I allowed two to stay as my friend, killing all hope of us getting back together when they did try. Its a matter of when. Though I do believe my recent ex of 3 years might be the one that never comes back, only because our story doesnt fit the typical mold in my experience. Link to comment
thelastsong Posted September 3, 2011 Share Posted September 3, 2011 I really feel for you. I was also dumped for an ex. I know it's hard and it hurts a lot, but we'll both get through it. It really isn't best to wait around wondering if or when they'll come back. You've gotta be strong and start focusing on yourself. Easier said than done, I know, but it's just one step at a time. Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted September 3, 2011 Share Posted September 3, 2011 They have in my case, all of them. I speak for myself, but they just never found better, so they go back to what was better. I allowed two to stay as my friend, killing all hope of us getting back together when they did try. Its a matter of when. Though I do believe my recent ex of 3 years might be the one that never comes back, only because our story doesnt fit the typical mold in my experience. how long did it take for each of them to come back? maybe its different if you're a real catch or something, i dunno. Link to comment
SorrowandPain Posted September 3, 2011 Share Posted September 3, 2011 alphadragon, I am no expert in relationships but if anything, it seems like she already did her running back - to her original ex. If anything, you were the rebound. I know the pain of being abandoned sucks but just be thankful it was only a 3 month relationship. Link to comment
Mellie Posted September 3, 2011 Share Posted September 3, 2011 I would say that "comes running" is a complete misnomer. They might give you a prod after days, weeks, months or even years, but "comes running" would be a bit strong. Saying that, I did have one guy track me down 7 years after the (extremely brief) relationship he ended, telling me how he had a great job, great prospects, house of his own, all the hard sell, you're so beautiful, I keep seeing you around, can I take you to dinner? WTH? I ignored it and got another 2 years later when I'd relocated to another part of the country The others, I've had tentative contact weeks or months after the breakup, how are you and what have you. If you don't play the game (as I didn't with one), you'll never know what they were up to. I've had reconciliations where they've made contact and I've talked them back in, or taken the softly softly approach (depends on the timescale and situation). But I've never had anyone march back in and say they've made a huge mistake. And there's never (to my knowledge) been a 3rd party involved. The thing with playing the game is, it sets you back. And if you do manage to get reconciliation - the holy grail most people in Getting Back Together are looking for - if the issues that caused the breakup in the first place aren't resolved, you're just setting yourself up for the whole thing to repeat itself further down the line. I've just learnt this lesson myself and would be very wary of trying to patch things up that were broken in the future. I guess it all depends on the reason it happened in the first place, but aside from that, the breakup itself could be hugely damaging to the relationship. If someone left me for someone else running back wouldn't be an option. I'd have them blocked on all forms of media and never speak to them again. Edit: Actually, come to think of it, that's wrong. There was a 3rd party with the one who reappeared 7 years later. I guess that's why he was trying so hard. He found me on Friends Reunited (yer right!). Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted September 3, 2011 Share Posted September 3, 2011 how long did it take for each of them to come back? maybe its different if you're a real catch or something, i dunno. 2 month relationship came back in 3 months (sex was off the wall... literally, lol) then 5 months again- break up: i was a rebound, her ex came back and she bu with me 2 month relationship back in a week (i played my cards right with this one and she broke up with me without thinking... but i didnt like her lifestyle, so even tho she quickly reached out to me after she broke up with me... i was in a way dumping her... my pride was way too high at that time, and i had way too many options at the time too that i just laughed at her attempts to get me back)-break up: her friends and family didnt like me so she dumped me 8month relationship came back in 1 1/2 years (we were really compatable, had a deep connection, she has a bf now, she was the first person i messaged when my ex broke up with me since i told her i would marry her when me and my ex ended, i said that as a joke, but trust i wasnt the desperate dumper with her, i was the guy she still had the hots for even tho i was a hot mess during the breakup) breakup:she lost attraction to me, i was needy and clingy 8 month relationship came back in 5 months and still contacts me and still tries for the past 5 years (i was just there for her when she needed me, she will never forget what i did for her when she was abandoned by her babyfather)-breakup: the father of her baby wanted her back, plus we fought too much at the end 4 month ldr came back in 6 months (was willing to abort her child and leave her husband for me.. she had issues obviously, our connection was strong tho, our phone calls would last until the sun came up and she never met any guy like me, ever). break up: i dont know why she broke up with me, she was nuts about me, i mean this girl thought i was a god, she once spent 3000 on calls to me, i think her dad might have pushed me out, he was a rich dude that didnt like my look, or maybe the fact that I am not a typical white guy with half a million in my bank account... I think thats it... and i didnt take any of them back. Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted September 3, 2011 Share Posted September 3, 2011 Also, my bestfriend left her husband of 11 years. Her reason was because the spark was gone, and they werent compatable. She ended up getting with a complete opposite, and this guy was BAAAAD. She realized she made a mistake when a year hit. She refused to sign the divorce papers, and was a complete mess all her life. She is still alone, even though she gets attention from many guys, even those that are 10 years younger than her. Every man she has been with has either been bad, or not her "type". I think she is still chasing that past ex in someone else, and she has all but lost hope. She cried when I told her my ex broke up with me, especially when she realized her story was the same as mine, except I am the dude. She got very emotional when I told her I would never contact her again, and I dont care where she goes, or what happens to her. Apparently her ex did the same, and he completely vanished from her life and refused to talk to her again (hes married now). Link to comment
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