I am starting to feel no pain and not in the good way

[AvonRepus]

I did disappear from ENA for a while and I thought I was doing good. Some of you might remember my old threads-married for 3 years,husband drug-addict,cheater,liar,thief bla bla -love is blind,etc. I was facing an eviction but I kept NC ,then he cut off my utilities,NC continued. Till last couple weeks,he's been emailing me,asking me stuff about the house and our cat.

Started stopping by "to help me",asking for money,saying he misses me and maybe we can move in together in his home town. I bought my flight ticket last week (I am from Europe,currently living in Ohio) and he was all tears and how I ruined everything by not believing him and accusing him of lies ,so convincing I almost believed him. Next day I found a love card from his I assume ex-girlfriend,so there was proof I was not crazy like he made me think for a second . Proof they were living together and proof he's just another p.o.s.

 

Anyway I kept the letter and did not say anything,I was worried about my cat and he was supposed to take care of her so I kept my poker-face actually I was cheerful and acting normal. The other day we went out together,slept in the same bed,I kinda wanted to see how am I going to feel about it-and it wasn't the same. I thought after 3 months of being miserable and missing him ,his arms around me will bring relief. Thank god I was wrong.

Today I got a video clip of him and his new crush making out. Charming.

And then I flipped. Again.On his phone,on her phone,on their e-mails. I just flipped.

 

I am leaving in 10 days,living currently in a hotel room I can't really afford,he took all the furnitures and I am kinda feeling lost. And numb. That's what really scares me,I feel like something broke in me,not just heart-broken but emotionally fell apart.

 

I need something good in my life. I was really living my life,I was really moving on,maybe a little bitter,but who wouldn't be.. and now I feel sooo lost. Thanks to him. Why oh why he has to do things like this?!

[Deciduous]

Hi AvonRepus,

 

This is not a set back. Despite your husband's many, many failings, he is what is familiar to you. And the familiar has fallen way. Of course there are moments of feeling lost. You are not a robot. Its natural grieve what is gone. Who blames you for that?

 

Yet you wisely realise that the old life was neither nurturing nor helpful in your development as a balanced and well rounded person.

 

You deserve more. And you are reaching for it, despite the bleak moments now. You will get there. You are being soooooo tough on yourself. Look at what you accomplished by walking away. IT TAKES GUTS. You are proud and strong woman and you decided not to put up with an unhappy lifestyle. Does that sound like failure to you? It doesn't to me.

 

Heartbreak comes in waves, normally One day you feel fine. The other you miss him terribly. The next you feel numb. And so on and so on. This is the natural journey. THIS IS NORMAL.

 

Doesn’t mean you are slipping backwards.

 

I enclose a link detailing the stages that usually come up during a break-up. link removed

 

Maybe it will help. Maybe it won’t, but either way, be proud at how far you have come. You were in a bitterly tough situation and you fought tooth and nail to get out.

 

Be proud. Keep going. You are one of the strong ones.

 

Deci

[Timahani]

I am sorry that you had to go through that, it must be ruff. Nonetheless, it is funny how one erroneously believes that they are weak, but in the midst of the storm the person is able to muster up enough courage to go on. Thats what you have done...so my advice to you is to be patient with yourself and love you. This is just another hill in life that you must climb.

 

In terms of your emotional "numbness", that is just your bodys way of protecting itself from the pain. In due time, when you feel safe and are in a stable environment, you will begin the grieving process...again its just going to take time.

 

...My prayers or with you today :star: