Uncertainty

[imwithyou]

I've been with my bf for 3 years and recently we got into the conversation of years to come which then lead to marriage. I always avoid this with him as i know it makes him uncomfortable, it's not that i want to get married right now but i would like to know where our relationship is going and he ended up saying to me how he would like to explore his options meaning that i most likely wouldnt be the girl he will marry. He could see this made me upset (tho i was suprisingly calm about it) and after we talked he apologised and said he didnt know why he said that, but then why would a guy say that if he didnt mean it? isn't it if your with a girl for so many years and you loved her you wouldnt be thinking about being with someone else?

 

im really confused if i should stay with him or not. i guess i sort of feel that im wasting my time being with someone who i think doesnt want to be with me as i would like to be with someone for a few years before getting married and i was hoping to before hitting 30 (im 24 now), but then in saying that i also see it that he has been good to me and taught me a lot of things and helped me deal with situations better so in some ways he has made me a stronger person and vise versa, but maybe thats all we're ever meant for, i really dont know. its just what he said is really weighing over me and im so confused.

 

He has never told me he loves me and he never holds my hand or be affectionate in public and he always looks at other girls when we're out though i dont care about that as much as i used to, after all he is a boy. maybe i am just one of those girls who watches too many love stories. We havent talked about our conversation since but he has been doing things that shows he is sorry but i just dont know what to do, i dont want to force him to be with me, i just dont get why he doesnt break up with me if im not what he's looking for. i want to be with him, not just to get married but because of the person he is and what we have shared together, its really hard to let that go, i was heartbroken by my first boyfriend and for it to happen again now with a guy that means even more to me is really hard.

 

I'm not asking for someone to tell me to break up with him or not, i guess just any advice on the situation to help guide me in the right direction.

[bichin]

If he doesn't love you and you are not the light of his life after 3 years then think about it this way. You are wondering if you are really the woman for him when you should really be examining if he is really the man for you!

[Eocsor]

There is nothing wrong with finding out if he sees a future with you. It's been three years and you don't want to be spinning your wheels. I see nothing wrong with talking about where he sees this relationship going. Some guys have to be lead kicking and screaming to the altar. Or maybe he wants to be established before you two settle down.

 

The only way to know is to bite the bullet and have the conversation. But if he doesn't see a long term future, whats the point of continuing?

[Betweenthebars]

He doesnt tell you he loves you, and it's been three years? I'm sorry, I just haven't ever heard that before. Here's what I will say: after everything I've been through, at 18 I decided I wouldn't be with someone if I knew there was no possibility of us getting married. If I couldn't see a future with a man, or if a man was only into me just to have fun, I wouldn't get emotionally involved... Specifically so I wouldn't run into a situation like yours. Because I can imagine how much uncertainty hurts. I've seen it, a lot. You need to decide if you are satisfied with him not being head over heels in love with you. You need to figure out if you would rather find someone who loves you, who wants a future with you... Or if you want to stay in a comfortable, yet uncertain situation.

[ToF]

"I want to explore my options" = "I do like you, maybe love you, but I am dating you so I don't have to be alone while I continue to search for the 'one' I'm going to marry."

 

Sorry, but if he still wants to explore his options after three years ... He is not committed to you long-term. I say you toss this fish back to sea, as hard as it is.

[WockaWocka]

I've been with my bf for 3 years and recently we got into the conversation of years to come which then lead to marriage. I always avoid this with him as i know it makes him uncomfortable, it's not that i want to get married right now but i would like to know where our relationship is going and he ended up saying to me how he would like to explore his options meaning that i most likely wouldnt be the girl he will marry. He could see this made me upset (tho i was suprisingly calm about it) and after we talked he apologised and said he didnt know why he said that, but then why would a guy say that if he didnt mean it?

he's not necessarily sorry for what he said, but he is sorry if it drove you away, he still wants to be with you a while longer before he explores his other options.

 

He has never told me he loves me and he never holds my hand or be affectionate in public and he always looks at other girls when we're out

These behaviors are all consistent with what he said above about the future. PDA often boils down to personal preference but not saying "I love you" after a few years is pretty symbolic.

 

i dont want to force him to be with me, i just dont get why he doesnt break up with me if im not what he's looking for.

Not everyone is this goal-oriented when it comes to dating. Women are told at a young age that we should date to marry. But for some people, especially men, they can happily date someone for years without any particular intent to get married. They value the physical and sexual companionship and other relationship 'perks' but aren't necessarily looking for their true love.

 

Your guy sounds great and obviously you like a lot of the qualities he has to offer.

 

If you proceed in the relationship you should take what he said about not wanting to get married (and also not saying 'I love you') at face value: he's not looking for a long-term relationship. Too many women make the mistake of thinking that if they're still together after x years then the guy definitely wants to marry them. In your case it's kind of a blessing in disguise that he was honest upfront, now you can make an informed decision.

[Madamdiva007]

Do you guys live together? Are you guys an exclusive couple? Or does he still consider it "casual dating"?

[imwithyou]

Do you guys live together? Are you guys an exclusive couple? Or does he still consider it "casual dating"?

 

no we dont live together, i live on my own and he lives with his parents but we both work together. were i guess an exclusive couple, its not a casual thing, we have spent almost everyday together over the 3 years and have always been there and helped eachother.

 

We had the talk last night which lead to us breaking up but today he said he doesn't want to break up, he doesn't want me out of his life, and when i said even if we were just friends he said he doesnt want to be just friends. im still really confused. last night i asked him about 'exploring his options' and he said because he doesnt know what else is out there and that he wished he met me last. i am his first girlfriend but it breaks my heart that he thinks he has to be with someone else before realising that maybe i am the right girl for him, i said that i wouldnt wait for him if thats how he feels. i asked how he felt about me and he said he likes me a lot, i asked why only like and he said how he has trouble expressing his feelings and that i didnt know how much he likes me, so im not sure if i should just take that because i could see that i mean a lot to him when he was talking to me, he had so much trouble speaking and had tears, he said he couldnt see his life without me and that he always dreams about me, but he said i deserve better and doesnt know why i was with him. its just the whole exploring his options thats messing everything up.

 

but then tonight after work he wanted to talk and said that he wants to give it another shot, he said we should live for now because right now he wants me and no one else but now the thing that has me confused is he wants to spend less time together because he thinks that will avoid arguments. he said to allocate one day where we do something fun and leave some days so we do whatever it is we need to do by ourselves. i said that it wouldnt avoid anything, and even that we have argued every now and then we always make up the next day. it never interfered with our study or anything we had to do. i really dont know what to do, i want to be with him so much but why does he think we need to spend less time together? i know we spend most of our time together but we never had problems about that before, i dont know why he thinks that, he didnt get why i took it so bad. am i over exaggerating? i know we cant spend every minute of every day together, its not like thats how we've been these 3 years, maybe the last year its been every day but not full days, itd be a few hours, only a couple days when were both off work and uni itd be a full day, i just dont see why thats wrong i ended up walking away because i couldnt think, he followed me to the car but if he wanted to say something he couldve opened the door because i sat there for a bit trying to think, instead he stood there then walked off and sent me a message saying he tried. am i seeing things wrong? i just dont understand how seeing less of eachother is going to fix anything, i see it as worse but do i settle for that? as much as i want to be with him i just disagree that thats what we should do