How can i stop my mom from being so demanding and forceful? and nag less?

[iamminzy]

My mom is so emotionally abusive that it makes me lack confidence in myself. She never likes what I do and even when I try to explain to why I want to do something. She always makes me listen to her and says negative stuff about me. She says you can't do it because you lack this and that. How well does she know? How does she know I can't do something if she doesn't believe me or let me try?

 

I chose marketing for a reason because I like the major but she says marketing is about sales and putting yourself out there. You need to know how to sweet talk to people. I always been shy all my life so I know its gonna be hard for me, but why can't she just let me be? She keeps forcing me to find a job at her workplace... She's making lack motivation to find a job in the marketing field... I wish she can't just keep her mouth shut for once and listen and be more open minded and well-rounded. Today I went to help out at a campaign, I know I just graduated but she said, you just graduated you should be looking for a real job. Graduates don't find volunteer jobs. When I interned at City hall, she said it's not paid, you shouldn't do it. Why didn't the District Supervisor help you find a job? She's always on my case and forcing me to do this and that. It's like talking to a rock. She always goes like what?! you know how to ice skate? you know how to swim? you know how to dance? you know how to do this and that? I said yea... are you sure you know how? She never believes me until she sees it, but still doesn't approve or praise me when I do things well. When I was little she never gave me encouragement, so I would give up half way because she never praised me. Always told me you're too old for that when I was just a kid then.

 

She always wants me to be like this person. She always compare me with my cousin. She says my cousin acts like a sweetheart and how she talks like a lady with manners and can make people laugh when she says something intelligent. Her room is so clean and told me to be more like her. Pssh... i swear my cousin adores the attention from the grownups, kinda act all innocent and perky around them trying to be perfect and everything. BUt she dumb as heck... I swear she doesn't know how to set the radio on her car and I was like omg... do I have to teach you? She's just an intelligent bookworm but everything else she doesn't know much about.

 

She already knows that I always lose, break things, trip, fall, get hurt, etc... I'm careless and clumsy, but you think I want to be like that? I tried so hard not to lose or break things or fall or trip... but she always complain and says that you're an adult now. You need to be more responsible and just today she made a fuss for at least an hour about how I lose things and stuff and she needed the eye drop because her eye was hurting. The more she screams/yells, the more I scream back at her because I hate her reaction. I hear her always yelling and even when it just a normal talk, she ends up yelling. Like when I don't do what she asks right away. She forced me to take a shower exactly at 5pm, if i past it only a little she chases me around and spanks me. Or she forces me to eat medicine when I just coughed couple times and thinks i'm sick. or forces me to do this and that. So I started to become more rebellious because I can't stand her anymore.

 

Today she was being really negative about the campaign I helped out for. She said negative things about the guy running for mayor and his parents. I just told her I spoke with the parents and they seem really niced and they asked me questions about myself. She says well of course they want to talk to you and ask questions. These kinds of people are sneaky and they won't talk about themselves as much because they are trying to suppose their son and will say many nice things to you so you can help them out more. I honestly can say I don't agree with her. It's just the matter of having a nice conversation and getting to know more people. I told her the reason why I want to help out is because I want to support the guy, and I want to gain people skills by talking and getting to know more people. I told my mom doing volunteer work is good because you're gaining experience and it shows that you have a kind heart and is willing to help the people and the community and she agreed with me. I am very openminded and I thought she would be too, but I guess not...

 

I was thinking of going to therapy with her because she doesn't listen to me and rather listen to other people other than me. She never trusts me and always says I'm a liar.

[chitown9]

I think that it would be a great idea to participate in therapy with you mom. Please keep us posted as to how that goes......chi

[Betweenthebars]

Therapy is a good idea.

 

Then again, so is moving out.

[CatsMeeoow]

Have you stopped to think how your mother was raised? Was she treated like this by her parents? This may be the only parenting style she knows.

 

How many times in this past week have you complimented your mother?

 

Therapy can be helpful in improving communication but only if both parties truly want to be there. In the meantime take a step back and try saying some positive things to your mother - "that was a good suggestion"... "I really like the color of your sweater today"... Keep in mind if this isn't something you've typically done before someone might be wary of underlying intentions so give it some time. There will be resistance at first as there always is in change in behaviors but sometimes it just needs to start with you. Let the negativity from her roll off you... smile and thank you and move on but keep up with the positive comments for at least 30 days and see what happens. I know it will be hard because at first you'll be the only one participating but hang in there and see if she learns how to give as well as receive.

 

Good Luck

[bulletproof]

Move out. Get a job, any job whether it's in your major or not, and move out. It's time to break the ties. She probably won't like it but it's part of growing up. Just staying and complaining about it won't get you anywhere.

[tattoobunnie]

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Check out the story.

 

Your parents give you power. I'm not sure why she calls you a liar...has she always been this way? Having gone to Landmark myself, when I read what you wrote, it sounds like she's a total worry wart about you, and cares a lot about you. Sometimes it's really about admitting to her that when she says this, it makes you feel this, then creating a new possibility of how you want your relationship to be with her.

[sunnyv]

Moving out would be my suggestion. My mom we like this too then I moved out abscissa felt so much better about myself. U only have control of ur life nit her. My Mon still says negative things. I try to stay away when she gets like this but I think it is who she will always be. She makes my sis out to becthe best and tfat is how it will always be. Uggh but I just do my own thing that's all u can do.

 

Good luck and just take care of u.

[trezz]

sometimes the reason why a person behaves in a certain way does not matter as much as the effect the behaviour has.

do you need to know why she does this?

maybe in time that will be important but to me the immediate effect on your life is too negative and you may need to distence yourself from harm even if the harm comes from a person who is not aware of their negative effect on you.

therapy sounds good, are you strong enough or do you need to move out and gather strength first?

[catfeeder]

The most liberating thing I ever figured out was that I will never change my mother. Period.

 

I dropped the 'child' role with my parents. I quit trying to manipulate approval, which is a habit--but it's my own behavior, not theirs. My life stopped being an open book for opinions, and I was able to put my focus on my own opinions and actions, instead.

 

When adolescents and teens fail to rebel during younger years, they fail to gain the independence that kids learn by being sneaky. So learn that now. Humor Mom by thanking her for her ideas, then go do whatever you want. Without permission, and without apology.

 

I would also do whatever it takes to earn the money to move out. You can't decide that your parents are done raising you while you stick around for them to keep raising. So go work two jobs if you have to, which will keep you busy enough to stop worrying about what anyone else thinks.