Strong attraction to a married woman.

[Sim54]

haha. That's not really self control though is it? Just denial.

You can't get rid of your feelings any more than you can just cut off your arm coz it's hurting you.

Your feelings are YOU! By trying to get rid of them you are actually abandoning yourself.

Instead of trying to cut your heart out, learn to take better care of yourself.

See your friends, get to the gym, eat and sleep better. When you feel overwhelmed take a time out and spend a few minutes alone with yourself. Talk yourself down gently, as you would if you were a parent calming your child.

 

The simple truth is that you can't get rid of your feelings anyway. They simply won't go away like that.

Only time, and focussing back on you and your life will allow them to slip away.

But it will not happen over night.

There is no pill or instant fix to this.

Learn to deal with that.

[stuka80]

you're right of course. and i have been trying to focus on other things. trying to keep myself busy with friends. lord knows i've been through this road before and i could do it again.

[Sim54]

mate, i feel you, and i know how hard it is. And it goes on and on. It's just the flip side of falling in love.

[CookiePepperco]

Hi stuka80 - I know this is an incredibly old post - but, what ever became with you and her?

[stuka80]

Hi stuka80 - I know this is an incredibly old post - but, what ever became with you and her?

 

Hey, thanks for showing interest lol, anyway I ended up leaving the company about a year and a half ago and just lost contact with her. Throughout the almost 3 years i worked with her, i kept up the effort of trying to forget her, avoid her and only being polite and friendly and professional and because of that, my feelings for her subsided a bit, but they never went away completely, it was still pretty strong. I think she was just one of those women that i naturally would always be attracted to, no matter what stage in my life i'm in. She made it very obvious that she was interested in me and was very forward in her attraction towards me til the very end. In the time i knew her, i discovered, not from her but from a different source that she was pretty much forced into her marriage due to social reasons.(She is Armenian from Iran) Even finding out that fact, i still did not pursue her.

 

On my last day at work, i wanted to have a proper goodbye with her and i decided to break my "arms length" rule and allowed myself to be comfortable and open to her and gave her a hug goodbye. Later on that day, as i was leaving she ran up to me and we had a 2nd goodbye, and this time...she was the one that reached out and hugged me, then i looked at her as she walked away. That was the last time i ever saw her. I dont really have those feelings for her anymore, since its been a year and a half now but to be honest, she still crosses my mind every day...a few seconds here and there throughout the day.... If i saw her again, i wouldn't be surprised if those feelings came back, in the time i've known her she pretty much fit my criteria for an ideal partner in pretty much every way.

[CookiePepperco]

Thank you for the update Your ability to demonstrate amazing self-control is admirable. Perhaps more admirable then King David who did you know was best known for his indiscretion with a peasant woman Bathsheba. His own lack of self-control nearly destroyed his image forever. Look at that, you may be mightier than Kind David....thanks again, take care!

[PaintWithLight]

Thank you for the update Your ability to demonstrate amazing self-control is admirable. Perhaps more admirable then King David who did you know was best known for his indiscretion with a peasant woman Bathsheba. His own lack of self-control nearly destroyed his image forever. Look at that, you may be mightier than Kind David....thanks again, take care!

 

I think King David was known for more than Bathsheba. Was she a peasant? I thought her husband was a military leader?

 

Biblical analogies aside, the OP should stay away from married women. He did the right thing.

[stuka80]

Your ability to demonstrate amazing self-control is admirable.

 

Thank you, it was extremely difficult...so many times i just wanted to give in...but i think i had good "life coaches" that it kept me straight and on the right path. I met her husband actually a couple times during company events...he was staring at me alot..i think he might've known or suspected that his wife was attracted to me because she would steal glances at me and come over to talk to me and generally just be attentive towards me, like i said, she was very forward with me. But i was able to look at him right in the eyes as he looked into mine and not feel shame or guilt because i knew i never did anything to cross the line and respected his marriage enough to not pursue his wife.

 

And being a student of history and the humanities in general, i appreciate the King David reference, haha. He was known as a wise king, and the Bathsheba incident proves that nobody in this life is perfect, we have failings, some worse than others.

[CookiePepperco]

Yes, King David is described as the golden child, a boy who slays Goliath with a slingshot, a successful warrior, and a pious ruler BUT the whole point of my reference was to highlight the flaws in David as an adulterer. The consequences of their affair dominated his remaining years AND this one incident David breaks 50% of the Ten Commandments. I was trying to make a quick point without giving an entire bible lesson (failed that) Yes, I may have misspoken by referring to her as a peasant and her husband was commander in battle and was considered one of the “mighty men of David”.

 

Anyway, the OP did stay away from the married woman but, unless you personally have experienced the excitement that kick starts your hormones into overdrive, you can’t discount the science of hormones that cause neurological and chemical changes that drives us to behave in a less than stellar manner. My second point is that many of us are clueless to the source of our arousal, feeling ashamed and guilty not realizing that some of our behavior is beyond our control.

 

Man you got my brain going for a minute Mr. PaintwithLight!

[CookiePepperco]

History is the best - History channel and H2 are my favorite. This is way off subject but may I recommend you watch "The men who built America" it's about John D. Rockefeller, Cornelius Vanderbilt, Andrew Carnegie, Henry Ford and J.P. Morgan. And another good one is about General William T. Sherman and his civil war march accross the south this man's military strategy was genius (before anyone jumps in - I should mention that some of his tactics were a teeny-weeny bit ruthless but, no ones perfect LOL).

 

And whoa, you met her husband? That must have been an intense and stressful moment. It sounds like you handled yourself properly - Good for you!

[stuka80]

my interest in history is more on the military side as well as philosophical like Cicero or Epictetus, so i know Sherman's campaign fairly well and youre right, it was brilliant. The way in which he conducted it was the same in style and conduct as the german panzers that overran Europe or the Mongols in the 13th century. Anyway, yes very off topic lol. But im glad i stumbled upon another lover of history

[mhowe]

Our behavior is NOT beyond our control. We may experience impulses based on chemistry, genetics or instinct. However, our response is entirely of our choosing. If you choose not to engage your frontal cortex ---- that is a choice.

[PaintWithLight]

my interest in history is more on the military side as well as philosophical like Cicero or Epictetus, so i know Sherman's campaign fairly well and youre right, it was brilliant. The way in which he conducted it was the same in style and conduct as the german panzers that overran Europe or the Mongols in the 13th century. Anyway, yes very off topic lol. But im glad i stumbled upon another lover of history

 

The German Panzers were out of communication for most of their campaign and lived totally off of the land by foraging? Their main thrust was to break the spirit of the civilian population? Sherman neckties, 40 acres and a mule. Keep reading.

[stuka80]

Let me be clearer, i was referring to his maneouvering power. He got rid of all baggage and unecessary equipment with his troops basically stripped to their fighting core, he moved on a wide and irregular front, which threatened multiple objectives, with his army split into 5 or 6 different marching columns. when one was resisted by the enemy, others would be moving forward and maneouvering past the enemy army engaged. so that the enemy army either had to fight with its flank exposed or retreat.

 

He forced an enemy army that was inferior to his own, acting on a strategic defensive to constantly launch tactical offensives against him. That is artistic brilliance rarely seen in history. That was a new method not seen before in the american civil war and basically how the panzers operated in 1939-41.

[PaintWithLight]

We will agree to disagree much like your original question about pursing married women.

 

Sherman's whole intent was to make Georgia howl. He was largely unopposed by an enemy army so the ony flank he had to worry about was his own. What was innovative was he descision to complete abandon his supply line and live off the land. Of course, this meant confiscating and outright theft of private citizens property but this was seen as a punitive measure against the rebellious South. I agree the Civil War is fascinating.

[CookiePepperco]

Our behavior is NOT beyond our control. We may experience impulses based on chemistry, genetics or instinct. However, our response is entirely of our choosing. If you choose not to engage your frontal cortex ---- that is a choice.

 

Hi ya mhowe you stalking me - or you are just heck bent on persuading me of your point of view. We are all entitled to our opinion and yours is just wrong. There is a saying that 10% of conflict is due to difference of opinion and 90% is due to delivery and tone of the message - SO STOP YELLING AT ME!

[Unreasonable]

An opinion can't be wrong. While Mhowe can be abrasive at times, her opinion is absolutely on point (in my opinion).

[CookiePepperco]

Hi unreasonable to your comment I say “The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to Cookie.” Proverbs 12:15... lol

 

Seriously though I hear you and point taken.

[mhowe]

Hi ya mhowe you stalking me - or you are just heck bent on persuading me of your point of view. We are all entitled to our opinion and yours is just wrong. There is a saying that 10% of conflict is due to difference of opinion and 90% is due to delivery and tone of the message - SO STOP YELLING AT ME!

 

What is the conflict?

[JustWishing]

An opinion can't be wrong. While Mhowe can be abrasive at times, her opinion is absolutely on point (in my opinion).

 

Agreed, she is the one who puts us right back into reality when we start to stray and get carried away by our own feelings. It's a good thing.

 

I think it is nice to have someone update a thread after all this time, because it is always interesting how those situations turned out in the end. OP have you ever tried to find her through social media? Do you know where she is at or what she does now, or do you just leave it at how things are right now?

[stuka80]

I've looked for her in social media, but either she doesn't have one or she's using a different name(highly doubtful). She's just the type of person that it doesn't surprise me that she doesn't have social media. One of the things i really liked about her was that she's got a traditional and old fashioned feel to her, she's not the type to constantly be on her phone, and the only time i ever saw her on it was when she was making phone calls to her sister about something.

 

And yes, i know where she lives, less than a mile away from me, not because i stalked her but because i saw her walking in the street one day near my house and asked her if she needed a ride somewhere. And before then, i already had a hunch she lived in my city because like i said, her ethnicity is Persian Armenian and there happens to be a huge population of them in my city, i just didn't expect her to live that close to me. Aside from that, i have no idea what she's been up to or if she even still works in my previous job. I pretty much left it alone...although i still have her number, i've never really called her nor been tempted to...i just have it, i dont really know why...it kinda reassures me i guess...i will probably delete it i just dont know when or why i haven't already.

[mhowe]

Some women don't feel the need for social media nor an attachment to their phone. Go figure!

[WordUp87]

Stuka80, I stumbled upon your post looking for advice on being attracted to a married woman, and your description of the situation fits mine really closely. I can't tell you how excited I was to see that you actually gave an update all these years later!

 

God it's sh**ty knowing that it will probably end up like your situation no offense. But the fact is, like you, I don't think I could ever go down that path with her out of respect for her, her husband, and myself. But it's your sentence here:

 

I don't really have those feelings for her anymore, since its been a year and a half now but to be honest, she still crosses my mind every day...a few seconds here and there throughout the day.... If i saw her again, i wouldn't be surprised if those feelings came back, in the time I've known her she pretty much fit my criteria for an ideal partner in pretty much every way.

 

that really gets me. I can't stop thinking about this girl. You say it's been a year and a half and you still think about her daily. Wow.

 

Here's my situation though: I've worked with this girl for about a year (which incidentally is about the amount of time she's been married). She's really pretty but I never payed too much attention to her; she was just another co-worker, and I work with quite a few pretty girls (nice I know). It was her birthday a couple months ago, and we were working together on a super mellow day. I had a ton of time and went to get her cupcakes and surprise her to sing happy birthday with our co-workers. She was super pleased, and ever since we've had this crazy energy between us. She makes being at work so much better. I'm excited to go to work tomorrow cause she'll be there. It's all I can do throughout the day not to think about her.

 

Even so...strangely enough it feels ok that she's unavailable right now. Maybe that's because I have a lot of other stuff going on in my life right now, but either way I'm just grateful I get to see her when I go to work.

 

Anyways, thank you for your post and the update, it's nice to know I'm not alone in this situation. Your post made me smile and was also quite sad. Are we destined to go through life with unrealized passion in our breast? Is that the way life is supposed to be?

 

-D

[vellocet]

I guess i just want reassurances from people wiser than me that i am doing the right thing and that getting involved with her is a very bad train wreck waiting to happen. Any advice on how to get rid of a very strong infatuation?? Any help is much appreciated.

 

Yes, it is a train wreck and deciding to avoid her is absolutely the right thing. Because if you pursued her, IMO, you'd be one of those jerk OM that don't care that you are hurting another fellow man, and also if she reciprocated you'd just have a cheating woman on your hands.

 

So you are doing the right thing. But I will say that if you decide to pursue her, you'll get what you deserve, a cheating woman that would have no problem cheating on you too. So maybe thinking about that will help to get rid of this infatuation.