Don't know what to think about this anymore

[confusedgirlll]

I posted about my ex-FWB Googling me and leading to my website 789 times in a 6-month time frame. Look at my other thread if you want to read it.

 

But here’s an update:

 

I talked to him because the doubt was killing me about what it meant that he was still Googling me and posting somewhat sad messages on YouTube on the songs we used to listen to. He wasn’t hesitant to meet up with me so we got together and he’s definitely lost some weight since I last saw him. We talked and I told him that when I said I wanted a relationship, I meant with him and I apologized for not specifying this. I told him I never saw that’s what he wanted with me so I thought the best way was to end it because I never meant to push him into a relationship. This point of me not specifying was emphasized by DN, and I thank you for encouraging me to speak with him since it answered my questions (to an extent).

 

But either way, he said he thought we were a couple, but it takes time for him to “move forward” in a relationship so he never knew where we were going. He said he loved me like he’s never loved anyone but I broke his heart when I pushed “him out” of my life, and that he was still hurt over it. I asked him why he didn’t try to make it official between us or tried to keep us together. He said he never thought he never would have a “real” chance with me because he never felt he was “good-looking” enough for me.

 

He practically put all the blame on his past and his low self-esteem, which I can understand so I asked him if he thought we should give it one more shot as a couple, and he just kissed me. I pushed him away because I knew where that was going (we were FWB, right?), and I told him I just wanted an answer as to what he wanted to do about us because the uncertainty was killing me. I told him that I knew about him Googling me, and about his YouTube account and it was killing me that he didn’t try to reach out to me instead of just finding these random ways of coping.

 

After this, he said he didn’t know what he wanted but that his heart was still broken “because of me” and he just broke down and cried. He apologized for crying, and I told him it was fine; I tried to console him and told him that he just needed to tell me what he was feeling for once. He just stayed quiet and then I just walked away, but he didn’t say anything. I tried but I don’t think it’s ever going anywhere.

 

I think this just means I’m just gonna have to give on us ever being together. I think it was worth trying, but I’m afraid he’s just far from being able to have a sane relationship.

 

I'm mostly venting but what do you think this all means?

[DN]

I think you handled it well and should now give him time to think about what you said and what he wants to do. But that doesn't mean you should raise hopes that he may want you as you want him - in fact, you would be better to assume he doesn't and begin to move on.

 

he now knows everything he needs to know - if he doesn't come to you now it's because he won't not because he isn't sure what you want.

[confusedgirlll]

I think I would have been better off telling him this before we broke up, but at that time I wasn't thinkinly clearly. I always thought he wasn't a guy that'd want a relationship at all, but clearly he's more emotional than I thought. He just builds walls that are difficult to get through and give people the wrong impression.

 

Right now he's probably scared that he's gonna go through the same process again that we went through when we broke up, which apparently was really tough for him. All this time I thought he was out there partying, but he's really lost himself. He's grown out his hair, a beard, lost weight, looks a bit pale. If he wasn't who I know he is, I would say he's the ugliest guy I've ever seen, and yet he's all I want.

 

It's crazy how the heart works.

 

Thanks for giving me the idea of talking to him about it. Even though I'm not necessarily happy about how it went down, I was set on what I was going to say and I couldn't have been clearer. At least I feel relieved it's out of my chest. I think the next step is to block his IP from visitting my website. I don't want to have to see he's still doing it without reaching out. I don't really think he is... Too many fears.

[Tanzi]

I think you now have solid answers to your questions. You also have explained how you felt at the time, how you still feel and what lead you to end the relationship. You have done all you can do you have left the ball is in his court. At least you won't have to be plagued with "what ifs" and "what only's" anymore. Whatever happens, though, don't go back to being what feels to you like FWB. Should you get back together then you both need to know where you stand from the outset.

[confusedgirlll]

You're right, I need some type of structure to know where we stand. He's right about us being like a couple back then because there wasn't one thing we didn't do together. Everyone assumed we were a couple. It was obvious to everyone except for us but I was so afraid to express my feelings for him because we just weren't one, officially. 8 months down the road of healing, and I was still nervous to talk to him about this.

[blackhawks1287]

How do you know it was him specifically that viewed you so many times in that period of time?

[Tryptophan]

I read both of your threads because the googling thing intrigued me since I googled my ex a couple of times but I think this guy is just a coward. The reason he's a coward is quite frankly, irrelevant. We all can have "traumatic" childhoods if we decide it's going to be that way. Trauma is just a perception, some things are more traumatic than others but the victims can do things to alleviate what they feel and even "fix" themselves. This guy seemed to have something meaningful with you, and he let his insecurities get in the way so he chose to victimize himself even further.

 

It's good that you to express how you felt one last time but I don't think he's gonna come back to you because of fear, and honestly it seems to be the best thing for you. He needs to help himself before he can be with anyone else.

[SeekFortitude]

This guy seemed to have something meaningful with you, and he let his insecurities get in the way so he chose to victimize himself even further.

 

This is a good point. Sometimes I feel like my ex did this too.