abandoned Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Hello I am a 41 year old man that has lost a huge spark. I am from Toronto,and am living in Finland,Been here 10 years now! I am a musician and a single father.I recently broke up with a woman that I had been with for the last 6 years.She also is a single parent.We did not leave together.This woman I was with had very terrible mood swings and a bad anger problem when drinking,it caused a lot of fights.I always look past this because i saw in her a good heart,and as crazy as she could be,she could be even more crazy in bed.In the 6 years we were together,she never said the word sorry at all.Everything was always my fault..and i would not really care..I would forgive and look past so easy..my friends all said she treated me like a dog..even her own son said to me that,I did more for her and her kids than anyone in her life,and i deserve better.It seemed every time she would have a mood swing,i was on my way home..never could just be a small fight. I rented a cottage for her and me and our kids..the first 2 days were great..then she was so so so happy..it was scary..i knew what was next..with the high comes the low.Well she made a huge fight out of a very small thing and left.I have not seen her since...i have been calling her,but she told me it just dont work...because of me mostly..blames me for everything.She will not take any look at herself at all.I did more for her and her kids than anyone in my life...and im the bad guy...she actually told the police that im calling her on the phone to much...I hate her mood swings and her anger problem...but i look past that...i just cant let go...Ithink about her all the time. Most people that saw how she was to me,can not see why im not just happy...she did mess up every holiday,special day xmas,(every year) with her terrible mood swings...my best friend told me 3 years ago"man she is just night right for you"!... but why i still go nuts here....we were very close in bed...we were some how connected....i tried to get her look her mood swings...but that makes her just push more...im not perfect ..i have my bad things...i can yell,,and swear...but i feel i was so good to her....how can she push me away....and more..why dont i be happy shes gone...most think i should.So I have been so so down...just almost stay in bed...my kids see im down...I cant stop thinking if shes meets someone soon...I cant do anything i just make my kids food..and go to my gigs... i thought we were so close in a special way... So Lost without her PLEASE HELP Link to comment
Tanzi Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 She was so happy that it was scarey and this was followed by a low that caused a huge fight? ... its sounds to me like she is possibly bipolar. If she is refusing to see anyone as regards her mood swings then I'm not sure what anyone can do to help. You can't help someone who is refusing to help themselves. You know, there is more to a relationship than great sex but I understand that you love her and this is hard for you. I think you should push aside thoughts of her finding someone else. If she really loved you then I doubt she would want to find someone that quickly .. after 6 years together? If she does then it just goes to show how little she thinks of your relationship or even how deep routed her problems are. I think you should stop looking past her behaviour now. You have done that for far too long and I don't think it has helped in the long run. You need to start respecting yourself more. By allowing her to walk all over you she has learnt not to respect you. You can't force her to come back so, for now, you need to try to accept the situation for what it is and give her some time to cool down. In the meantime you need to build up your strength and self-respect and take a good look at what you had and what it is you really want because this can't be it. Should she come back then you need to stand firm and tell her that you won't take her back unless she seeks help for her mood swings and maybe even her drinking. Link to comment
abandoned Posted September 1, 2011 Author Share Posted September 1, 2011 a-little blue Thanks, that seems like a very good idea! Its really hard for me,my parents sent me back and forth about 25 times from age of 7 to 16. This makes it hard for me to be pushed away. Your words on looking at her behavior really are hitting home.One time for Halloween i had a gig..so she came my hotel after.I had a bottle of wine ,fancy food,candles..was trying to be romantic. went ok, then after we did what couples do,I was just falling asleep and she bite my leg...not a love bite but she like really bite me hard..so i sat up and yelled ouch! as i did that ,she punched me in the face.I got up and grabed her legs so she was face down on the bed...was like...why are you hitting me..she got up...with crazy look in her eye,and went to go out of the hotel room naked..i garbed her and told her im working here...put clothes on.She left.Then I called her to ask like.. * * * ...and she said i stole her purse! I said your purse is by the bed where you left it..I took her the Purse,tried to get her to come in and go to sleep...but she grabed a bus to Helsinki...when ever this came up...it was all about how i hurt her foot...when i brought up that ..like hey you bit and punched me....She would just say ..well its over than...that night there was no fight...I was falling asleep after sex...and was bit and punched....and its my fault I hurt her leg trying to keep her from hitting me again.... Link to comment
Tanzi Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 She punched you? While you were sleeping? Went to walk out the room naked? She is seriously disturbed and she needs help. If she doesn't then this won't get better and you shouldn't hsve to put up with this. I have s feeling you will here from her again but for your sake, and hers, you need to stand firm now. Link to comment
abandoned Posted September 1, 2011 Author Share Posted September 1, 2011 well she bite me first, then when i sat up in pain,she punched me...that was 3 years ago...but she always would bring it up...that i hurt her leg...I know she has this crazy side..but I saw past it.I saw her heart..The sad put is, she does not see it.If you even try to get her to look at herself...your out of her life. those close to her,like her sisters her sons at one time,,,were put off her facebook,and out of her life...But I saw she has a good heart, and hated her mood swings,but loved her! She never cheated on me! and behind this wall off crazy mood swings is a great soul! Link to comment
Tanzi Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 And were there other incidences like this? She needs to justify why she did it so she has created a story that you hurt her first. She sounds extremely mixed up. Link to comment
abandoned Posted September 1, 2011 Author Share Posted September 1, 2011 Yes, another time at a gig at a ski resort hotel on newyears eve she got very drunk! I tried to get her to slow down,as she is a tiny girl and drinking so much.The hotel manager said we could go swiming after the gig..so we (the band) told our girlfriends we would meet them in the pool.Mine did not show up. So after the swim,Ifound her past out in our room,that was fine for me.I made sure she was ok .then went next door to have after party with band. Then we heard doors slamming big time..when i went to see what was happening,it was her open and slamming the doors! When she saw me she yelled how could i leave her alone and started punching me like 20 times..im not proud of this but after telling her many times to stop it...i hit her back...I was very mad at myself for that. I should just ran away from her....the other thing that was really hard with her is these mood swings were like at the snap of your fingers and look out.There was never any talking to her to solve these things..so I would just latter take the blame and say sorry..... Link to comment
abandoned Posted September 2, 2011 Author Share Posted September 2, 2011 This just sucks still anyway! Link to comment
chitown9 Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 She does sound like she could be bipolar with the mood swings, but that does not explain the anger and physical abuse and drinking. This is all way beyond what anyone can deal with and I suggest that you give up. You are not going to win this one... Link to comment
abandoned Posted September 2, 2011 Author Share Posted September 2, 2011 She does sound like she could be bipolar with the mood swings, but that does not explain the anger and physical abuse and drinking. This is all way beyond what anyone can deal with and I suggest that you give up. You are not going to win this one... Yes she has some huge issues, I still looked past them,I loved her unconditionally. But im starting to wonder if my fear of abandonment problem kept me with her,and is really running the show now? I dont miss her mood swings at all, or her crazy ways...but when she was in a good mood things were great... Link to comment
abandoned Posted September 2, 2011 Author Share Posted September 2, 2011 this sucks...thanks for your replies....cant stop to think of her.. i felt she was my soulmate...under those crazy ways... Link to comment
abandoned Posted September 2, 2011 Author Share Posted September 2, 2011 seems its hard to get out of bed today! Link to comment
chitown9 Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 seems its hard to get out of bed today! Reality is sinking in. Seriously, think about it. This woman has the capacity to kill you in your sleep. There is someone far better for you out there that you will have a healthy relationship with. This one just is not working for you...... Link to comment
Tanzi Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 this sucks...thanks for your replies....cant stop to think of her.. i felt she was my soulmate...under those crazy ways... maybe I'm missing something here but how is this woman your soulmate? I really don't understand how you can feel you are soulmates with someone when you are constantly treading on egg shells to avoid a catastrophic fall-out with them. Or where you have to pamper to their every whim, stroke their ego and constantly apologise for things you haven't done in order to avoid a drop in mood. Or where that person bites and punches you, pushing you to a point where you actually hit back. If she can suddenly attack you in your sleep for no apparent reason who knows what else she is capable of. Honestly, does this sound like soul mates to you? It doesn't sound as though she is capable of being anyone's soulmate. You said yourself that she has never once said sorry to you or to see any wrong in what she has done to you. How are you her soulmate? I think what has happened here is that you have been hanging on so hard over the last 6 years and invested so much energy into this relationship ... not just to make it work but to avoid so many craters in the road along the way ... that you now don't know what to do with yourself. You have all this "loose" energy. She has taken up every inch of your being with her mood swings and crazy and erratic behaviour and now ... nothing. Its rather like looking after a child who has now left home. Perhaps you could do with talking to a counsellor because you have been somewhat a victim of this woman's crazy, mixed up mind and often victims need support too. She was out of touch with reality and, I suspect, along the way you have lost a view on reality too because what you had here isn't real. This isn't how it should be or how it has to be. However only she can help herself ... just as only you can help yourself. You have let this woman treat you badly for far too long and to be honest that probably hasn't helped either of you. maybe if you had stood firm in the relationship (ie. told her that you can't go on in a relationship unless she seeks help or refused to apologise for things she should know she has done wrong) then she may have sought help. Instead all that apoligisng has just clarified that she is right and that nothing is wrong with her way of thinking. I'm not, by any means, suggesting that any of this is your fault because this is her problem ... but she made it your problem too and I think in the long run you have helped make it harder on yourself. Also, its hard to respect someone when they allow you to treat them like a doormat which, as harsh as it sounds, seems to have happened here. She has no respect for you anymore, maybe she never did. All this journey you have travelled with her and look how she is stilll treating you .... calling the police, telling them you are harrassing her. After everything you have put up with? You have the chance here to make things a whole lot better for yourself, why not embrace it. Link to comment
abandoned Posted September 2, 2011 Author Share Posted September 2, 2011 I really thank you for your words here! I think you are so right.The walking on eggshells is so dead on! I once had a great sense of humor, and was very confident, as im a front man band and singer.She always put me down..nothing I did was ever good enough..and to think i did more for her and her kids,than I did for me and mine. I still dont see how she could be like that, and not want me...i did so much for her... but your right, Time to look out for me...thanks, you really nailed this one for me! Link to comment
Lester Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 Mild Schizophrenia? Abandon, It’s hard for all of us… but she may be doing you a favor. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 I really thank you for your words here! I think you are so right.The walking on eggshells is so dead on! I once had a great sense of humor, and was very confident, as im a front man band and singer.She always put me down..nothing I did was ever good enough..and to think i did more for her and her kids,than I did for me and mine. She has done this to you ... you deserve and can have so much more than this. Link to comment
abandoned Posted September 2, 2011 Author Share Posted September 2, 2011 She has done this to you ... you deserve and can have so much more than this. well . im off to my friday night gig...feeling a bit better,from some of this...guess it will take time still...was with her 6 years...I feel more angry now than sad, after thinking of what you people have said...gonna put alot of my feelings in to tonights show.... One thing is weird of all this..we really got along well in sexual ways..but when i see what your all saying, i guess i was treated like a dog..i dont deserve that...i tried to be so good to her...well of to my gig..... Link to comment
abandoned Posted September 2, 2011 Author Share Posted September 2, 2011 sometimes when she would go crazy, if i saw knifes on the counter, i would put them away.. she hit me with many things over the years! Link to comment
Tanzi Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 sometimes when she would go crazy, if i saw knifes on the counter, i would put them away.. she hit me with many things over the years! Thats no way to live. This really could be a blessing in disguise and a chance for you to have something so much better. Onwards and upwards, so "they" say! Link to comment
abandoned Posted September 3, 2011 Author Share Posted September 3, 2011 I was just thinking, about a year ago my girlfriend got like a 1000e electric bill. It was The companies fault, they were not charging enough, and then adjusted it.Any way she did not have the cash,so I borrowed a friends clubhouse and played a gig there to raise money for it.I cooked pizza and chili for days, set it all up. She was going to work the bar, but she got drunk instead...so i worked the bar ,played a show for 2 hours.she got a friend to do the bar when i played....I had worked for like a week on this thing...set it all up..did the cooking...made the posters..was a lot of work...in the end she did not do a thing..and it was for her! at the end of the night she went on that there was not enough spices on the pizza, so I said" thats all you have to say after all I have done here?" she got mad at that and tried to get a fight going....i just tried to ignore it....by the end of the night we went to her house....she started yelling something about the pizza and went to sleep in her daughters bed...I Slept on the sofa ...OMG looking at it right now....it makes me sick... * * * .. how can anyone be that way to someone who did all that to help them....."!"`???????????????????? i dont get it! Link to comment
Tanzi Posted September 3, 2011 Share Posted September 3, 2011 Keep 'em coming. You are finally opening your eyes. She doesn't deserve you! Link to comment
Tanzi Posted September 3, 2011 Share Posted September 3, 2011 Keep 'em coming. You are finally opening your eyes. She doesn't deserve you! Link to comment
abandoned Posted September 3, 2011 Author Share Posted September 3, 2011 Only once your out of the fire,can you see how badly you got burned. Link to comment
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