When a date just "happens" and you're intimidated

[emilybravo]

I feel like I shouldn't be dating at all after the last string of bad relationships I've been in and the healing I'm trying to do. On the other hand, when the universe just throws something at you, you don't want to say no right? After hanging out with this guy once with a friend of mine and a friend of his, it was great and social and not awkward, and I thought we'd just be friends. Then he texted me this week to ask if I wanted to go out for drinks. I got there and it was just him (I figured he'd have his friends along again). But we had a great time and there was no lack of stimulating conversation and when he paid for everything, I sort of knew he thought it was a date. Then we talked about it and he said, "duh, I wanted to date you since I met you that day" but said he understood completely if I didn't want that. I told him it's not that I'm not attracted to him, just nervous. At the end of the night we were holding hands and kissing.

 

Now I'm freaked out.

 

I'm really just ranting and it would be nice if others shared similar stories. Have you been in this situation and been intimidated by the person who asked you out? I feel like this guy is just too good for me, not the type who is usually attracted to me. He went to an Ivy League university, is wordly in ways I am not, and really really attractive. He looks like Christian Slater. I just want to run away before it goes anywhere and I get hurt. But why am I assuming the worst about it all, that he'll hurt me? Ugh. He's so hot.

[CMS]

Wow wow wow, easy there sister, where is the self confidence in anything you said? do me a favor and become more independent and confident, start believing you are the prize and you deserve the good things happen to you.

 

You will forever be a victim if you keep believe that you do not deserve anything good coming your way so start putting on that big girl pants and tell yourself that your are worthy of happiness, and every setback in the past is just another learning experience

[oldenoughtoknow]

Why do you feel intimidated all of a sudden? You think you're okay friend material for him, but that's as far as it goes? Don't worry, you'll get used to it. Back in my dating days, I've been out with very attractive women - far more attractive than the category I think I would fit into. Actually, I've been living with a woman for almost two years that makes me wake up and shake my head in disbelief every morning. I just consider myself really lucky. In the past, I've had long term relationships with women who had ivy league educations and earn double what I make. That's really bucking the gender stereotypes. I remember thinking about it for a second or two, but hey, we got along well, and they didn't think anything about it, so what do I care? Enjoy. It will become what it will become. No need to fret needlessly. Remember, he's choosing to be with YOU, right?

[blackhawks1287]

I feel like the girl I am trying to date, feels the same way you do.

 

It is cool to get this perspective. I have no advice, and in the end I can't guarantee anything, but I think it is worth a shot.

 

Clearly you feel something or you wouldn't have entertained such a physical aspect of a first date. This girl as well to me, second time meeting up and we were very close kissing, being cute etc even in front of her friends. But because she is out of a LTR for about three months, claims to want nothing with him again, feels a little reserved, but I am not sure.

 

I think that based on what you are telling me that there is nothing, other than your own fears, from continuing. There is nothing about this guy and his behavior and his honesty in wanting to date you that should deter you from trying it out.

 

I asked this girl out after we hung out twice, but she reversed it and invited me out with more of her extended friends. I don't know what that mean, I think I am analyzing it too much, but she didn't reject it the offer. I have the same insecurities you do about people intentions, and I am jaded from past relationships. But I think the best advice I can give is just to go with it with an optimistic attitude and know going in that there is always a possibility of getting rejected and hurt, but at least you tried. Know there is a possibility of failure and it can make the outcome if there is one a lot easier to bear.

 

Go for it.

[DylanNotorious]

The universe is throwing you a bone, and you should just go for it! Don't think the worst, think that here is a descent guy who is interested and likes you. Take a chance girl, because there are no guarantees in the game of love!

[Stay_home]

It could be an opportunity of a lifetime, meeting a gentleman with his hat on straight and his ducks aligned in a row; it's certainly not a very common trend these days. And if that's really what you want, there's nothing to fear when that day finally comes and you meet someone worthy. This could be the day, this could be the guy. So as many have suggested, you need to relax, breathe and just take it one step at a time and let things flow naturally. It's ok to be nervous sometime, but don't let it stop you.

[emilybravo]

You guys are smart. I need to relax. It's just intimidating because someone like this guy has never been interested in me (hot, mountain-climbing ivy-leaguer). I need to not judge him on the alphabet soup behind his name, as he's not judging me in that way. Thanks for the vote of confidence guys.

[emilybravo]

Although I feel better about this situation and recognize the right attitude I need to have to date this guy, I'm a little concerned that it wasn't right to kiss him on the first date. The only other time I've kissed someone on a first date, it ended in a pretty serious heartbreak for me (well, that guy was using me as a rebound and I was too blind to see that, so I suppose it couldn't have ended well). I was talking to a male friend of mine about what happened and how I felt and he said, "Whoa, you made out on the first date? You need to slow it down!" This guy I'm so intimidated by initiated the kiss and the hand-holding. Now I'm wondering if I should try to keep the upper hand and thinking paranoid thoughts like "he's too arrogant, he knows he can get what he wants, etc." AAAHH!! What are your thoughts about guys who kiss on the first date (not the first meeting)?

[abitbroken]

Stop with the "the universe throws something at you" because that is a helpless attitude. You yourself are in charge of what is going on - you are not just a leaf blowing in the wind and are at the mercy at whatever other people do to you. You are an active participant in your life. This happened because you met someone who you got along so easily with. And then you got insecure when he mentioned "dating." That is all that happened. You drew this man towards you because you were enjoying his conversation, were at ease, just as much as he was enjoying yours. You have a choice here to end this and wallow in your insecurities, or you have a choice to go out with him again, and just decide that you aren't going to move fast (no sleeping with eachother, etc.). If you were at ease with him before he said the "d" word, go out with him until you feel comfortable, free and easy again.

 

So what if you kissed him on the first date. If 50 percent of people kiss on the first or second date and 50 percent don't (i don't know the real statistic,), There is a chance you will be heartbroken by a guy you kissed on a first date just by a numbers game - if you kiss half the guys on the first date that you dated. A guy that broke my heart had brown hair. our first date was a movie - so does that mean every man with brown hair that goes to the movies with me will break my heart? No.

 

Just because you kissed on the first date doesn't mean you have to go any farther on the second.

[meoww]

I wouldn't be so intimidated by his education, the Ivy League is full of resourceful and bright people but it's not like out of this world. He may exude ambition and intensity, but it's been cultivated by long years of hard work. There is a lot to account for this, like having access to real opportunity at a young age, learning from a motivated student body, and often, just being somewhat wealthy or coming from an academic background. Given the opportunity, I think many people could adapt to an environment like this and flourish.

 

It just hits a nerve for me because I'm reminded of an ex who was so out of touch. If you really like him, then go for it but don't let him take all the power in the relationship. You just have to do something about the insecurity it has awakened in you, you sound like you want more out of life.

 

I wouldn't play any power games if you are genuinely developing feelings for him. At some point you might to want to mention how he makes you feel inferior, in a productive way. If he's a good guy he'll understand!

[emilybravo]

A guy that broke my heart had brown hair. our first date was a movie - so does that mean every man with brown hair that goes to the movies with me will break my heart? No.

 

LOL, you are so right! I'm going to see this guy again for sure, and there won't be anything physical beyond kissing. I'm just feeling really excited, high on endorphins, you know? Floating on air in fact, not only because of this hot morsel of a man, but because I'm just having a generally good week. I found out that I won't pay a cent for school this year in the master's program I'm entering due to scholarships and an assistantship, I'm going to see two dear old friends I haven't seen in years because they moved to a city nearby, and yeah, I need to stop with the "Oh no, when's the axe going to fall?" attitude. It is a bad habit I should break. I so often see myself as a pinball being hit around in the pinball machine of life. On some level I guess I like it that way because it helps me explain away certain weirdness---like when you find yourself in a situation or taking a choice not entirely made by you and you're thinking, "How did this happen?! It's fun!" Examples from my past include a spontaneous decision to go on a cross-country road trip. See what I mean--I'm not a passive leaf blowing in the wind, but that situation couldn't have happened had my friend not decided to fly out from Ohio to a town two hours from where I live on that particular weekend. And I wouldn't have met this hot ivy-leaguer (I should really stop labeling him as such huh?) had he not walked into the farm store where I work and had me explain how the CSA program works. I say I believe in science, but it's fun to believe in silly things like fate sometimes.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Well now you're starting to sound better. Don't worry about kissing on the first date. I think that's a good sign. I enjoy people who are smart enough to know what they want and confident enough to go for it when they see it. And don't worry about who has the upper hand. That kind of gamesmanship never builds anything worth having. Be assertive over what you want and maintain boundaries over what you don't. That's healthy. That's attractive. That will make an ivy leaguer stop and take notice.

[abitbroken]

Don't say "there won't be a kiss" as far as going as far as putting your hand up if he tries. Instead, just have the date at somewhere where there would be no drinking involved, no close dancing and no "alone" at one of your houses. If you surround yourself with activity, or go to a coffee house or anywhere that isn't make out central, you are not putting yourself in the environment or the mindset that you are wanting to make out. Just see where the evening goes and focus on getting to know him better. If at the end of the evening he walks you to your car and gives you one good night kiss, or walks you to your door and does the same - just let it happen if you want it. Just don't do the full on make out kiss in the middle of the date and you'll be fine.

 

In otherwords, don't TRY for a kiss but don't awkwardly block it either.

[emilybravo]

Oh, I didn't say there wouldn't be more kissing, just nothing past that. I recently went on another date with this fellow and it was really really good. We went kayaking and he cooked dinner. Spectacular views, sunset, wine, hand-holding, kissing...very cliché date. It was fun, but on the other hand, he was very quiet the whole time. Maybe he was just enjoying nature, but it was weird. The first few dates are normally full of getting-to-know-you conversations. I'm really trying too hard to gauge whether this guy is just looking to sleep with me or what. I need to not focus on that and just enjoy the dates we have. I'm just wondering if and when he will want to get out of this "just us two alone" thing and hang out with his friends. I sort of cleared the air and let him know in other words that there are so many attractive girls around here, so if he's just looking to sleep with me, move on because i'm not ready for that right now. He sort of laughed and said, "You think I'm some sort of creep don't you?" and then said, almost to himself, "So you don't want an empty relationship." It was said in that tone of voice like you'd say, "Don't forget to buy milk when you're out. Check."

[emilybravo]

He hasn't called me since that date (5 days) and you know, something that kinda bothered me happened on that date. He mentioned something about an event taking place that he might be going to with some friends. He had told me about that event on our first date and said, "You've never been? Oh we have to go!" so I said, "Oh, didn't you say you wanted to go to that together?" And he paused and said, "We'll see. Let me look at the logistics of it." I was like, "LOL, are you embarrassed to introduce me to your friends?!" and he laughed and said no and "we'll see" and the subject was changed.

 

It looks to me that he's no longer interested. Maybe he saw that I wasn't going to put out...who knows? I think if he doesn't call by this weekend it's a clear sign. I mean, after four good dates with someone, wouldn't you want to see that person at least once a week? And if he doesn't want me to meet his friends, that's not a good sign. He's probably just dating around. It's cool, I've been there and am not offended. But I hope he gives a clear message he is not interested instead of ignoring me from here on out. That's the decent thing to do.

[emilybravo]

Aaaand I texted him today. Just a friendly hi and thanks for the nice time last week. That was 8 hours ago and he hasn't responded. I give up. It's just common courtesy to respond to a text. It's amazing how worried I was about this guy at first, and now *poof*, into thin air, and I have nothing to worry about anymore. Screw dating for now I say!

[Jetta]

Okay this will sound rude but guys marry beneath them (educationally speaking) a lot. Odds are you're more beautiful than you realize and don't let the ivy league school scare you off. He likes you, he's making an effort, give him a chance.

[brazilgirl21]

You sound like. I have dated my fair share of ivy leaguers in the past 2 years and always felt that way. Then I realized thousands of people graduate from Ivy League schools each year and they are not as special as we make them.

 

Just chill and try to enjoy things.

[shl025]

Ahhhh I feel the same right now. The guy I am talking to is stable, good looking, financially independent, has a lot of work experience... he just has a lot more on his table than I do on mine. I feel like he can stop talking to me anytime when he finds a better woman. So I do know what you are talking about. I do feel insecure, but what can we do? You just gotta try your best and see if you are really interested in him, not for his qualities.

[emilybravo]

That guy ended up being a total cad to me. Was only looking for a roll in the hay. And now I see that I need to have more confidence in myself and never feel like I'm beneath someone no matter what alphabet soup they have behind their name and no matter how much more money than me they have. I treat people better than he does. I'm better in some ways.

 

You should keep your head high, shl025, and don't call him too much...and especially don't make the mistake I made of calling him after he'd not contacted me in 10 days! Good luck, I hope yours doesn't turn out to be a cad.