Dumper wants to get back together.... I'm not so sure.

[notquitepsycho]

This really isn't as much about him right now as it is about me.

 

I think it boils down to that I can't give him a clean slate right now. I don't want to be evaluating his attempts to show me things are different now by a scale that isn't fair because of my own hurt. If we ever do try again I want to be able to just enjoy the sweet things and not have the fear in the back of my mind that this is just going to be a rinse-repeat, you know? Nor should it be about him jumping through hoops to win me back.

 

I'm leaving to go out of state today so hopefully there will be many other things to keep my mind occupied, because this week kinda messed my head up. I hadn't thought about him this much in months (it's 4 months post breakup).

 

Any words of wisdom for me to keep in mind while I'm out of town if I start thinking too darn much?

[Hollyj]

What's the background? Why did he end the relationship?

[notquitepsycho]

He says he ended it because he wasn't feeling like he thought he should and that he wasn't treating me like he thought he should because of it. He knew I liked to cuddle but wasn't feeling like cuddling much, etc.

 

He was extremely depressed and stressed because he was unemployed so he wasn't able to take his medication. But he said something hurtful when we broke up, that he wasn't feeling attracted to me. He says seeing me recently made him realize that wasn't an issue any longer, and that he spent most of the time we were apart thinking about me.

 

But I have self-esteem issues and being told someone's not attracted to me is hard to get over.

 

BTW: he's now employed in a great job with great benefits and health insurance, and the financial situation that was causing stress has eased for him. If it really was situational, things could be very different now. I just want to be in a place where I could give him the chance he would actually deserve instead of it being like him "proving" himself. I don't want to be unfair to him.

[ForumGuy]

I think you are right about not being able to "give him a clean slate" no matter what the reason for the break-up was. I would generally suggest that if you find yourself willing to make another go of it, you make him work for it some.

[Hollyj]

How did he treat you when he was employed? I know he was in a difficult place but, it is never an excuse to be hurtful.

 

Only you can decide if you can trust him. What happens the next time there is a problem? Will he bail, again? I think you need to go back and examine the entire relationship, and see if there were any other red flags or patterns you are missing.

[pennyloafer2]

If you both won't give each other a clean slate (not forget, but definitaly forgive and let go of all past resentment) then there's no point in being in a relationship. But definitely take some time to think about this.

[notquitepsycho]

I've thought about it and I think what it boils down to is that there were several incidents that had a similar theme... all small things.... not huge gigantic ones until the last....

 

Tactlessness.

 

Naturally since I wanted to get over the feelings for him after the breakup (spent two weeks absolutely NC, then *extremely* little contact and all initiated by him for another two and a half months), I tried to remember the things I didn't like when I thought about the things I missed. And this was a biggie for me, partially because even he commented on the fact I am a very tactful person myself. I try to think before I speak, consider how my actions will affect others... it's a big part of my belief system -- "Do as you will, so long as you harm none", the maxim that comes from the belief that the energy you manifest is what you attract, and that what you put out comes back to you.

 

It's possible to be both tactful and truthful, and that's what I try to do. And there are times for brutal honesty. But what gets me is thoughtless unnecessary honesty, because there is such thing as too much of it. And as much as the song "I'm Sensitive" by Jewel could be seen as a desire for a person to walk on eggshells around them, a lot of it fits and I don't think it's unreasonable (like, don't go into detail about sexual encounters with others, seriously dudes...). And a few times the thoughtless unnecessary honesty has been very painful.

 

I firmly believe in not going into a relationship to change someone or expecting them to change. But I don't know if I can deal with it in the long-term, especially if he's just going to keep hurting me thoughtlessly. But it also seems mean to use that as a reason to not get back together with him because the ways he has hurt me have not been intentional -- intent requires thought.

 

And I kinda feel like I'd be being a b-word if I brought it up, because it's not a nice thing to say to someone. And some people can't handle constructive criticism. I don't want to come accross like I'm being cruel or dogging him about his faults... he's not a bad person. He's inexperienced in many ways -- he said I've been the most serious relationship he's been in, and we never lived together. I'm divorced. It's a fault, but it's not his fault, if that makes any sense at all.

 

I love him. I was in love with him before and I could fall in love with him again... maybe I still am even though I've worked so hard to repress it.

 

--------

 

As far as how he treated me before he lost his job... we were coworkers. When we met I was with someone else and we were just friends. He was there for me through that breakup (that was my last major relationship, five years) but the friendship line was never crossed because we worked together. We only got together after he got laid off.

[pennyloafer2]

Sounds like you're ready to let go, you just need closure.