I Messed Up, How to Apologize?

[Gimpyrks]

Hey everyone.

I had been seeing this guy all through out this summer. We got super close and slept with each other a few times towards the end of the summer. I am in a different state right now then he is because I am in college. But...before I left something happened. He went on vacation to see his family for two weeks. He said that he would be back in time to make it to my going away party. Well needless to say he didn't come to my party, and he never contacted me while he was away. I wasn't too bothered that he didn't contact me while he was away because he was visiting his family that he hadn't seen in three years. When he didn't show up to my party I was hurt...very hurt, and my family put it in my head that he had used me. I guess deep down I felt that way too because that became my way of thinking. So I sent him a text explaining how mad I was at him for missing my party when he said he would come. Then I called him on his cell and just said, in a nice tone "Hey...you missed my party today was just seeing what was up and I guess we need to talk". Then I sent him a facebook message because someone mentioned to me that maybe he had gotten hurt. So I sent him a facebook message saying that I was worried about the possibility of him being injured so if he was okay to just tell me. Well, then I guess my twin sister sent him an e mail that was pretty mean.

 

Two days ago I got a text from him. He explained that he had extended his family vacation because he enjoyed it so much and that his cell phone didn't work out in the state he was in. I live on the east coast and he was in Cali. He also said that he was mad at me for the drama I caused and that we were over. I have never caused drama in the relationship, this was the first incident. I feel like I messed up and I enjoyed him so much in my life and I want to apologize..but every time I think of an apology it doesn't come out right =/ I really stink in these situations. It's been two days since he contacted me and I feel heart broken. More so then when he didn't contact me after my party (then I was just ticked off because I felt like he used me).

 

Should I apologize? I really miss him. I know I'm in college and I'll meet new people but..I don't know he felt perfect for me. Can I get some pointers on making a good apologizing?

[Gimpyrks]

I also do NOT want to send him an apology text, it'll take too long for me and I would really love to be able to send him a letter instead..is it worth to ask him for his address? I don't think I'd be able to make an appropriate apology talking to him either.

[guynextdoor]

Are you talking about the same guy that you been seeing who has a gf?

 

 

[Gimpyrks]

Yeah..I guess that was my biggest goof =/ I saw a pic of him with another girl and it was a small pic but it looked like his ex...but it wasn't and he claims he is planning on moving out..and I believe him actually.

[Gimpyrks]

I called him out on it too I said "you don't bring an "ex" on vacation with you!" and he got really offended and said it wasn't his ex but a family member. I guess thats what I get for snooping on fb =/

[mhowe]

You don't have a prayer with this guy any longer. You've accused him of behavior he didn't do, you've ranted at him for missing a party when you didn't know the circumstances of why, your sister got involved.....he's running for the hills and not looking back. You can't apologize your way back into his life.

 

You need to move on -- and learn the lesson here. If you don't think he "used you", which it doesn't sound like with the info you posted, you need to not listen to outsiders (family) judge the validity of your relationship.

[Gimpyrks]

Yeah I ranted at him for missing a huge party that was super important to me..wouldn't everyone else do the same? I just told him how hurt I was that he didn't come when he said he would.

[Gimpyrks]

This was a HUGE part of my life I wanted him to be there for.. I told him I wasn't mad that he extended his vacation but just that he didn't give me any kinds of heads up

[tattoobunnie]

I'm so confused. The guy totally doesn't care about you, and you still think you need to apologize? Um...it's called, buying a phone card, using someone else's phone, email, postcard, pay phone, hotel phone. HELLO!

 

I have traveled the world without an operating cell phone, and still have managed to find a way to send emails and make phone calls. He could have sent a quick message that he couldn't make it.

 

I dunno...I wouldn't put up with this bum.

[Gimpyrks]

See this is where I am so torn!! A part of me believes what tattoobunnie says then another part of me says that it might be a good excuse >.

[mhowe]

I called him out on it too I said "you don't bring an "ex" on vacation with you!" and he got really offended and said it wasn't his ex but a family member. I guess thats what I get for snooping on fb =/

 

It's way more than not showing up at your party, its the above, it's your sisters snarky email or text ---- and it's also probably that while you dated for the summer, you only got intimate towards the end, and he's just not that invested in the relationship.

[Gimpyrks]

Thats possible too...yeah I so messed up I know I did. We didn't even really start considering outselves "dating" until he started coming up north to visit me which I don't really remember when that was. We got intimate about the last month I was there. We had been hanging out for three or three and a half months.

[aulelia]

hold on, did this guy have a girlfriend or not, or does he have a girlfriend?

 

what was the party for - was it your birthday?

[tattoobunnie]

She could of had sex with him from the very beginning...and it wouldn't make him more or less invested as well.

 

Honestly...snap out of it! The reason why you got upset is because the guy was unaccountable. Nor did he even apologize for not coming to your event. He made a promise that he did not keep.

 

There are plenty of accountable fish in the sea that follow-through on things!

[Gimpyrks]

No he doesn't have a girlfriend.

It wasn't a bday party it was my going away party for college. Im a second year college student but this is the first time I'm in a different state to go to school. I'm half way accross the country and the party was the last available time for him to see me before I left.

[Gimpyrks]

Thank you tattoobunnie for those words.

[lapse]

Gimp? I love your pic. That's the kind of character to turn to at times like these. Good friends indeed.

 

I don't like to claim any certainty when I don't know a person, but here's the thing...the facts as they are. If he had a tenth of the consideration for you that you had and have had for him, he would have called you while he was vacation. I'm sure there were phones available to him over the weeks that he was gone. Do you think he really did not make a single phone call or send a text while he was away? He could have contacted you, *especially* if he was staying longer than expected. I hate to tell you something that squashes your hope because I know that you want to hold on to that hope that his actions were not what they seem, that his intentions were good, that *you* ruined it (because then maybe you can fix it, too!). However, that does not appear to be the case. I'm sorry, gimp, I don't think you did anything wrong.

 

Deflecting and reflecting the blame is a classic way for some people to avoid responsibility. It's just... classic. What can I say? I've been in a similar situation and it took me a few rounds to finally stop fabricating acceptable excuses for others and to stop accepting responsibility for someone else's actions (or lack thereof). Truth be known, I still struggle with it. I think it often has to do with our desire to uphold our own version of who another person is. It's ok, however, to be wrong about someone. What's not ok is to refuse to accept it. This guy sounds like an arsehat who would rather make you second guess yourself than bear the "burden" of honesty.

[aulelia]

Did you give your sister authority to write the email?

 

Families meddling is always a bad bad bad idea whether you are dating or married. Leave him alone for a bit.

[Gimpyrks]

No I didn't say she could write it. But I don't blame her for writing it..A) she's my twin so she's more protective then a regular sibling B) she saw how upset I was about it.

Thank you lapse for your input Its just confusing because I believe that both sides of the story could be possible. But I agree..if he did really care about me he would have tried to contact me.

 

Aulelia: I was thinking the same thing. Maybe not contacting him until Christmas. If we can't have a romantic relationship maybe we can still get a friendship. I would be okay with that, I was always okay with being just friends with him (its complicated to explain lol).

[aulelia]

So cool that you are a twin. Having said that, he may have felt attacked. I think it's important to note that because while yes he is a d--k for not being good at communicating [hate that], he should not have to feel like he is dating both of you which is what he may have felt with that email from your twin.

 

I know this is hard because you like him but I think perhaps leaving him alone for a while might do some good. Men are hunters right? So they don't want to be hunted - big generalisation and not one size fits all but it could help here.

 

I think if you want a romantic future with him as well, don't let him friendzone you!

[Gimpyrks]

Thank you again aulelia. I believe I will leave him alone until Christmas break or maybe after Christmas, that way I can have some happy time before I get the really good or bad news.