I need help Please!

[TarProductions]

Hello, I have a problem. The girl that I love and would like to marry, still is not over her ex husband. She tells me that she loves him as a person but, no longer is in love with him. She claims that she has moved passed everything but, why it is that he never wanted to have sex with her which casued the divorce. She says that he will always be in her life, as a friend. That she will not ignore him if he messages her on facebook. I told her that I am fine with that but, wouldn't be okay with her going out with him to dinner or lunch. She said that she needs to try to meet up with him because thats the only way he will talk to her about. When she tries to do it over the phone or online he tells her he has to go. I told her that until she completely move past him that I will not consider proposing to her. She claims that its not fair because she has asked him the last three years, and he still hasn't given her an answer. I told her that I will not be married to someone who still feels the need to figure out past problems from years ago with her ex-husband, and that she should have figured this out before getting into other relationships. So I guess what I am asking, is should I end it? Should I give her an ultimative? Please help.

[DN]

She is not in a position to be able to offer you a good relationship while she is still hung-up on her old one. In your place I would walk away and find someone whose sole romantic focus was me.

[TarProductions]

She is not in a position to be able to offer you a good relationship while she is still hung-up on her old one. In your place I would walk away and find someone whose sole romantic focus was me.

 

But, How? I have never loved anyone the way that I love her. I have been in a lot of relationships and have NEVER felt this way.

[mhowe]

As you can see, you can't change her behavior. If it has been three years, I would say you need to move on. She is never going to get "closure" from her ex -- it comes from within. She may be using this behavior as a way to keep you at arms length.

[TarProductions]

As you can see, you can't change her behavior. If it has been three years, I would say you need to move on. She is never going to get "closure" from her ex -- it comes from within. She may be using this behavior as a way to keep you at arms length.

 

She said when he tells her, that she will be able to move on. Should I send this guy a message. Tell him how he needs to explain it to her. That he is preventing her from living her life???

[mhowe]

He is not preventing her from living her life. They are divorced. He owes her no further explanation.

 

She is preventing her from living her own life. Closure comes from accepting what has happened and moving on. She doesn't want to move on. You can't change that. It would be incredibly intrusive and counter productive for you to ever have a conversation with him about her.

 

I will say it again; you can't change her behavior. Only your own. Quit accepting this nonsense of an excuse as to why she will not commit to you.

[Hollyj]

But, How? I have never loved anyone the way that I love her. I have been in a lot of relationships and have NEVER felt this way.

 

I have been in a similar situation. If they are still hung up on the ex it will NEVER work. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't love you? If you really want to feel some pain, and further erode your self-esteem, then stick around.

 

I would end the relationship, as you're wasting your time on someone who will never be able to commit themselves to you!

[Hollyj]

She said when he tells her, that she will be able to move on. Should I send this guy a message. Tell him how he needs to explain it to her. That he is preventing her from living her life???

 

No way!!!!!

 

She is a big girl and will have to work through this on her own. You cannot control or change this situation.

[TarProductions]

I have been in a similar situation. If they are still hung up on the ex it will NEVER work. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't love you? If you really want to feel some pain, and further erode your self-esteem, then stick around.

 

I would end the relationship, as you're wasting your time on someone who will never be able to commit themselves to you!

'

 

But, thats the thing. I do know that she loves me.

[mhowe]

How do you know that? Because it certainly isn't by her actions.

[Hollyj]

If she loved you completely, this would not be an issue. She is choosing not to let go.

[DN]

She may love you in a fashion but while she is still so involved emotionally with her ex she cannot enter into a healthy relationship with you.

[Tanzi]

She is still looking for closure. That in itself is a sign that she hasn't really let go properly. I spent months seeking answers from my now ex-husband but after a while I realised there was nothing more he really needed to say, the answers were either already there but I wasn't ready to see or accept them or he simply couldn't answer because he didn't know the answer himself. Anyhow the point is after a while I no longer cared for these answers. I accepted the situation for what it was and found my own closure.

 

Closure is acceptance and it really seems she hasn't found that. You are right not to proceed any further with a marriage proposal. Where you go from here though I don't know. That she hasn't let go of the past isn't fair on you or your relationship.

 

Do you think that her failed marriage has caused her to feel insecure about herself, especially the fact that he didn't want to have sex with her. That must have been a huge knock to her self-confidence. Maybe she feels knowing the "truth" behind the reason may actually make her feel better about herself. If that is the case then perhaps talking to a counsellor may help. Maybe she needs help with certain issues and she is directing her need towards the wrong person. Whatever the reason, the fact that she is still constantly seeking closure from her husband isn't healthy for your relationship.

[Hollyj]

I agree! Sounds like she is still seeking validation from this guy.