Ivory_Tower Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Actually, one than one of my friends cheated this weekend. I stood on the sidelines and watched all of this go down because I didn't really know what else I could do. I figured that they are adults and they probably know not to do that if you've been dating someone exclusively for at least six months and it's FB official...right? Prior to going out, my friend said that she and her boyfriend had gotten in a fight because he was in a bad mood that day. She also said he "objectifies her" and only talks about her appearance all the time, etc. Then, she goes out and drinks and dances on guys she doesn't know and makes out with them rather than discussing the fact that she was upset with her boyfriend. I think the worst part of the weekend was the fact that she wasn't even drunk. I might have cut her a little slack if she had been blackout drunk, but I don't even think she was tipsey!!!!!!! Later, she said, "Don't judge me, okay?" Surely this means that she knows what she did was wrong? She was walking straight and making sense. HELP! What do I do? Stay out of it? Her boyfriend is really nice and I don't think it's fair that she cheat, but then say she would dump him and never look back if he did the same to her. Link to comment
Ivory_Tower Posted September 1, 2011 Author Share Posted September 1, 2011 My other friend also cheated on her guy, but I'm not sure of their status and whether they even consider themselves "bf" "gf" so I wasn't as worried about that. When I say cheating I mean grinding up on the guy in a sexual manner. Going to the back to hide and make out with them, etc. Link to comment
Kitkat973 Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 It sounds like you're considering telling her boyfriend more to punish her than because you think he should know. Link to comment
blackhawks1287 Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Tell him because you say he is a nice guy, and the fact that your friend is doing this in front of you...to which she knows she will put you in an uncomfortable situation. I would tell him out of pure morality, not to be vindictive towards her... Link to comment
Ivory_Tower Posted September 1, 2011 Author Share Posted September 1, 2011 It sounds like you're considering telling her boyfriend more to punish her than because you think he should know. Sorry about that! I copied and pasted paragraphs from someone else because the person had mirrored the same thoughts as I had. I took that part out so that it would be just my own words (I know what your thinking - gosh, this girl is lazy! Would you do me a huge favor and read the post again. I didn't mean to have a vindictive tone. He's a friend of mine, but I wouldn't consider him one of my best friends. I guess I just feel like I was put in a awkward position. I have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach right now. Link to comment
Ivory_Tower Posted September 1, 2011 Author Share Posted September 1, 2011 Tell him because you say he is a nice guy, and the fact that your friend is doing this in front of you...to which she knows she will put you in an uncomfortable situation. I would tell him out of pure morality, not to be vindictive towards her... I wasn't meaning to be vindictive, sorry. Uncomfortable is exactly how I feel right now. Good word for the situation. Link to comment
blackhawks1287 Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 I wasn't meaning to be vindictive, sorry. Uncomfortable is exactly how I feel right now. Good word for the situation. That is fine... I get it, but do tell him. Why live with her guilty actions...it is not fair to you, and trust me...you will not be the bad person here regardless of what happens. By her wanting you to keep this a secret, you are just as guilty as she is...so just think about that. Link to comment
Ivory_Tower Posted September 1, 2011 Author Share Posted September 1, 2011 That is fine... I get it, but do tell him. Why live with her guilty actions...it is not fair to you, and trust me...you will not be the bad person here regardless of what happens. By her wanting you to keep this a secret, you are just as guilty as she is...so just think about that. The next day we were in the hotel room and she was hungover asking myself and the other girl (who was also acting the same way, which I have to add I don't condone if you are single, etc) if she should tell him. The other girl said, "NO, we were just having a bit of fun." I added that she should tell him anyways because I said if he found out later he would be angry. They both said that they weren't going to say anything and looked at me!!! If I tell, everyone will know it was me! How should I go about doing this? I have always told my own boyfriend if I did anything questionable because I would feel too bad keeping a secret Link to comment
Ivory_Tower Posted September 1, 2011 Author Share Posted September 1, 2011 Meanwhile I'm seeing pictures of her and her boyfriend on a romantic date via FB like nothing ever happened... Link to comment
blackhawks1287 Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 You are being maniupulated by two girls who want you to lie and act in an immoral fashion...friends shouldn't be doing that and they shouldn't be making you feel guilty for THEIR actions. Tell him and tell those girls to "quit having a bit of fun" then. Be assertive and tell them that they are being total * * * * * es and how you are losing respect for them for their actions. You are being a pushover letting them handle you in this way, so you should not be controlled by the fear of who told who what. You are not spreading rumors...you are telling the truth. Whether he of the other guy believes it is his choice to make, but as long as you tell him then your hand can be clean. But don't be a participator in this. I remember when my ex broke up with me, and the lies I found out her friends were keeping from me. These friends apparently liked the hell out of me and thought I was a great BF, but never could tell me the truth about what was going on. Needless to say...I do not talk to them because of their actions. Why deal with people who can't be straight and moral and knowingly put you into situations that are not right. Do what is best for you and speak your mind. That is all. Quit worrying about what they will think of you, because in the end...you are doing the moral and respectful thing. That is all that matters really whether you choose to believe it or not. HE DESERVES TO KNOW. Case and point... Link to comment
Pinnacle Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Can I ask you a question? What if the roles were reversed? Would you have any reservation at all telling your friend that her boyfriend has grinded and made out with some other girl on the dance floor? Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 I've had friends like this in the past. I used to just keep quiet and figure they are adults, let them live their own lives, and just continued the friendship. However, now I would still keep quiet, but probably not stay friends. Women like this tend to be rather attention-seeking and selfish, and really, not good friends. I mean, if she can lie to the man she supposedly loves, she can lie to you and screw you over too. I might distance myself from them. Link to comment
Ivory_Tower Posted September 1, 2011 Author Share Posted September 1, 2011 I'll just have to tell him. It just sucks that they put me in this position. I just contacted her via text message and said, "Hey, have you told ____ anything about this weekend. I think you should." Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 I've had friends like this in the past. I used to just keep quiet and figure they are adults, let them live their own lives, and just continued the friendship. However, now I would still keep quiet, but probably not stay friends. Women like this tend to be rather attention-seeking and selfish, and really, not good friends. I mean, if she can lie to the man she supposedly loves, she can lie to you and screw you over too. I might distance myself from them. I agree. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like this. Also, notice how she makes up some excuse that her bf objectifies her....if she is so upset about a man objectifying her, why in the world would she run out and grind and make out with some strange man who is also objectifying her. Her rationale just doesn't make sense. Link to comment
imsuperman Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 I agree that you need to tell him. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 I'd leave telling him about what's already happened. However, I would also tell her that I feel uncomfortable colluding in this sort of behaviour on her part: a) because her boyfriend's a nice guy and she would be better sorting out her problems herself, rather than mutually using total strangers to 'punish' him in her own mind. b) because if the roles were reversed you'd be furious about how badly she was being treated. c) that you're being pulled into something which is making you feel 'yuk'. I'd also tell her that you don't want to be going out with her if this is how she's going to behave, and that if it happens again you WILL be telling her boyfriend. You can make it clear that you've said nothing about what's happened in the past, but this is getting to be too much. Phrase it as gently as you like, but make sure the message is clear. As it stands you are colluding in a situation which is compromising your own morals, causing you conflicting loyalties and making you feel used. Don't let it stay like that! Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 My advice is to stay out of it... you will do yourself no good by being in the middle... Then let me recommend you get new friends... ones who don't put you in such a position. I've had to let a dear friend go because I didn't much care for her behavior of sleeping around on her husband of just a few months. I felt sorry for her and him but ultimately it was their life to live. I just stopped doing things with her... it made me sad but sadder was being part of her behavior. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 My advice is to stay out of it... you will do yourself no good by being in the middle... Then let me recommend you get new friends... ones who don't put you in such a position. I've had to let a dear friend go because I didn't much care for her behavior of sleeping around on her husband of just a few months. I felt sorry for her and him but ultimately it was their life to live. I just stopped doing things with her... it made me sad but sadder was being part of her behavior. Agree totally with this. It's not your place to tell her boyfriend anything, but maybe find some friends whose priorities do not include cheating and lying. Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 I watched a friend cheat on his girlfriend for 8 months with another friend of mine. I hated every second. And I would voice my opinion to him and just get an earful of excuses. Even though it has ended now, I had to stop being friends with him. I just couldn't look at him with any respect. And all he told his girlfriend is that he developed feelings for another girl, so she doesn't know the full story. It's horrible. I told him that I hate hanging out with both of them because it's uncomfortable knowing these things about her relationship that she does not. He thinks I'm ridiculous for not being friends with him over this, but I don't care. So I agree with the posters that say to distance yourself from these girls. I chose not to tell his girlfriend because it's not my place, even though it's tempting. Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 I agree. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like this. Also, notice how she makes up some excuse that her bf objectifies her....if she is so upset about a man objectifying her, why in the world would she run out and grind and make out with some strange man who is also objectifying her. Her rationale just doesn't make sense. yes, they always have a "good reason" to cheat. Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 If your prepared not to be friends with this girl anymore i would. Because she is probably going to find every way to excuse her behavior and some how turn all the attention on to you for just letting him know. Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Agree totally with this. It's not your place to tell her boyfriend anything, but maybe find some friends whose priorities do not include cheating and lying. Not only is it not her place, I suspect that if she told the bf, he would not believe Ivory. The gf would spin some story about how Ivory wants to break them up, she is miserable and jealous, blah blah blah, and then the bf will listen to the gf and be angry at Ivory! Now, unless you have photo proof (and even then, maybe not!) I doubt he'll believe you over his gf. Link to comment
Huntress0527 Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 I would wash my hands of everyone and walk away. While it may seem like the right thing to do to tell the boyfriend to save him some hurt down the line it's really not your place to step on toes and tell him. Your friend is not a true friend and it's time to terminate the friendship. Link to comment
Ivory_Tower Posted September 1, 2011 Author Share Posted September 1, 2011 Not only is it not her place, I suspect that if she told the bf, he would not believe Ivory. The gf would spin some story about how Ivory wants to break them up, she is miserable and jealous, blah blah blah, and then the bf will listen to the gf and be angry at Ivory! Now, unless you have photo proof (and even then, maybe not!) I doubt he'll believe you over his gf. Annie is right. She's an incredibly jealous person and often compares her body to my own, etc. And holy smokes!!!! I have pictures! One is of us at the bar and it kind of looks like the guy she cheated with is cradling her and has his face close to hers - seriously!!!!!!! Link to comment
annie24 Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Annie is right. She's an incredibly jealous person and often compares her body to my own, etc. And holy smokes!!!! I have pictures! One is of us at the bar and it kind of looks like the guy she cheated with is cradling her and has his face close to hers - seriously!!!!!!! she'll say 'it's a joke' photo. like they were 'posing for fun.' Link to comment
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