Broke up with her today and feel absolutely terrible.

[feelingbadly]

So I've been dating a woman for the past few months; the first, actually, since a 5 year relationship ended last September. We got along great at first, and I genuinely loved being with her. Over time, however, I noticed that we'd fight more and more about stupid * * * * , and that she was really passionate about always proving herself right and arguing. Soon, I started to lose my attraction to her physically, and that's where I've been at; freaking out because I didn't want to tell her that we should end things.

 

Well, today I did, and I feel terrible. I went into it hoping she's want to remain friends, but she basically shot that concept down, saying she doesn't do the "friend" thing. She said "can we just say goodbye?" and that was it. This was so not my intention or what I was hoping would happen, and it's got me terribly upset. The thing is, I really like this woman and consider her one of my closest friends these days, but I simply couldn't have walked around and not told her how i've felt; it wouldn't have been fair to either of us. She's got a few years on me, and I can't be wasting her time like that.

 

So, yea. Right now I feel like crying, upset as hell that I might never even really see her again. Any good words would be much appreciated.

[feelingbadly]

Starting to wonder if I did the right thing. Tempted to call her and try to work things out.

[pietro5266]

I've been through this. It would be very difficult for her to remain friends, at least in the short-term, because she will likely be hurting very badly and trying to get over her feelings for you. In order for her to get over her feelings for you, she has to stop being addicted to you, and she can't do that and still remain in contact with you. In the long-term, she may change her mind.

 

You probably feel bad because, as you said, she'd become your closest friend. In fact, you probably got so caught-up in your relationship with her that you lost contact with everyone else you knew. Now that you don't have her around, you're alone -- no girlfriend, no friends. And it's a big loss, even for you as the dumper; losing a person out of your life always is, no matter the circumstances. Yes, it sucks. I've been on both sides of this.

If you truly feel that this was not the right relationship for you (and it sounds like it wasn't), then you made the right decision. You should also give yourself a lot of credit for not going-out and finding someone else before breaking-up, but doing it truly out of how you felt about your now-ex. The best thing for you to do now is go out and build yourself a social support network of friends and acquaintances, people who will have a lot more longevity in your life than many of your romantic relationships. I'm working on this now myself.

 

I may be going through a similar situation soon, so you may be writing me some advice in the near future. Until then, good luck!

[Lavender25]

I've never been on the "dumper" end before, but if you just ended things with her tonight then I think you both need more time to sort this out before coming into contact again.

 

In your post you speak of maybe missing her friendship. If there aren't romantic feelings there then I wouldn't contact her because it would only cause her more pain. Can you maybe try to explain your feelings some more? I would like to know more information because I went through a break up a few months back and you sound like my ex. Maybe if I can understand your feelings and reasoning I might be to answer some questions I've had.

[feelingbadly]

My feelings for her at this point are pretty much 100% non-romantic. That said, I feel more about her than a regular platonic "friend;" I actually really care about her, trust her and feel terrible that I hurt her. It upsets me because I can't help it if I'm not really attracted to her anymore, but that doesn't mean that part of me doesn't actually love her in a way. So it's hard.

[Lavender25]

My feelings for her at this point are pretty much 100% non-romantic. That said, I feel more about her than a regular platonic "friend;" I actually really care about her, trust her and feel terrible that I hurt her. It upsets me because I can't help it if I'm not really attracted to her anymore, but that doesn't mean that part of me doesn't actually love her in a way. So it's hard.

 

That's hard to hear

 

I don't think you should contact her. Leave her alone and let her heal.

 

At the moment I am currently in contact with my ex via text. It's a long story but he had contacted me out of the blue and then disappeared again. When I confronted him about it he apologized and said he was a jerk and didn't know what to say but that he missed me. We've been sending texts back and forth for a week now with just small-talk catch-up stuff. I'm in a place where I think I can handle contact from him but I know I want a relationship with him. While I feel like I've finally gotten to a comfortable place in my life, I haven't been able to stop thinking about him and want to reconcile. I can't be entirely sure what the case is on his end, but I know I would be hurt if this was only platonic. I'd rather our conversation just drop off and stop than to hear him say that to me.

[feelingbadly]

ugh. i feel so * * * * ty right now it's not even funny.

[EmmaB78]

I'm a little confused - her passion for certain topics caused you to lose physical attraction to her? Were you losing these arguments or was she mean during them? Or did something in her appearance change?

[feelingbadly]

she would turn everything into an argument just for the sake of arguing and to be right. it's not that confusing.

[EmmaB78]

Watch the snark - just trying to help. Anyway, I misunderstood - I thought you meant, like, debating political issues or something. But it sounds like you mean stupid little things like, say, getting overly offended at an innocent comment or some such. Thing is - she'd probably keep doing this as a friend, except now it would be worse because she'd also have an underlying feeling of having been rejected. I'm guessing she'll come around eventually, but I'd just give it some time and let her contact you. You might send one last email or something saying that you'd really like to be friends when she's ready, and until then, you'll respect her space. That way, if she does decide to contact you at some point, she won't second guess herself wondering if you really want to hear from her. But I don't know what other people think of that.

[doyathink]

Try to think long term here. If you cant see yourself with her in 5 years...then leave her be so start healing. If you can honestly say you cant live without her...then put some thought into a letter....read it over tomorrow and see if you still feel that way...and either send it, or dont.

[lovedlost]

Pietro, I couldn't have said it better myself. I'm actually in the same exact situation as feelingbadly - with some minor differences. Anyway, I just told someone I really care about, that I've been dating for 10 months that we should go our separate ways. I still wanted to be in the relationship, but I had to walk away because there were things, like his time committment to me, and some lack of affection, that I felt would eventually hurt me more if I stayed in it. I wanted him to be more like he was when we first got together, but for whatever reason, it wasn't the same. Anyway, right after I told him, I was devastated. You would think that he was the one that dumped me. I realized that the person I spent so much time with for these past few months, would no longer be around. Outside of everything, we were very good friends, and he was the one I spent most of my free time with. The next day I thought about being retroactive with my decison to break-up, simply because I was feeling so bad and lonely with him being gone. But deep down I know that i would've been simply acting out of fear, and discomfort. In the long run, if i decided to ask him to get back with me, i know i would have the same issues. So, Feelingbadly, I guess my advice to you is to stick with your decision. I'm sure you made it after thinking long and hard. Right now you are reacting out of remorse, loneliness, and fear. You truly are not alone in this process, even though it may feel that way. Keep yourself active, but also get to know yourself again on a personal level to occupy the void you may be feeling. Hope you feel better soon. I am working on it myself.

[Eocsor]

You've made the decision, the right one if you ask me, so now stick to it and for goodness sake stay out of her life from now on. Dumpees always misinterpret any contact from the Dumper. Your intentions may be good but the results won't be, It will just prolong the pain for her. So stay away. Even if she said she wanted to be friends right away, you know she's lying. So best for the foreseeable future to leave her be.

 

PS if you've been dating her for a few months now and your elationship of 5 years ended last September, she's a rebound. It takes a lot longer than a few months after a significant relationship ends to clear out all the emotional baggage. Maybe try being single for a while so you don't hurt anyone else.